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Super Bowl Analysis from an Idiot

2009-02-01 · John · watch on YouTube · Sports · comedy performance

On Super Bowl Sunday John mocks the Arizona Cardinals' 'lame' bird mascot, proposes absurd replacement names, jokes about the NFL and Twilight fandoms, and predicts the Steelers will win by six due to mascot superiority.

What is said

00:00:00 — Greeting; Super Bowl commercials; Chicago over-21 appearance at Mark Bazer's live talk show at the Hideout; what John won't talk about

  • ★★ John tells over-21 Nerdfighters near Chicago he will be part of Mark Bazer's live talk show at the Hideout on Friday, February 6 at 6:30; it costs five dollars. — 00:00:00 · Chicago, Nerdfighteria
  • ★★ John raises in passing, while saying he won't discuss it, the moral dubiousness of paying men to play a sport he says statistically shortens their lives by 15 years. (playful) — 00:00:00

00:00:40 — The Arizona Cardinals: lame nickname, championship drought, vegetarian bird, four replacement mascot suggestions (ninjas, mother-in-laws, herpes)

  • ★★ John jokes, in passing, that Americans suffer a weird collective mental illness that makes them want to watch corporations sell them goods and services. (playful) — 00:00:40
  • ★★ John mocks the Arizona Cardinals, trying to win their first Super Bowl, saying their nickname is the lamest since the Premier League's Bolton Wanderers. (playful) — 00:00:40
  • ★★ John says the Cardinals have the longest current championship drought in the NFL, jokingly linking it to their vegetarian bird mascot. — 00:01:09
  • ★★ John says if the Cardinals lose Super Bowl 43 they need a more awesome mascot and suggests ninjas (with the Ask a Ninja guy), the Arizona Mother-in-laws, and the Arizona Herpes. (joke) — 00:01:09
  • ★ John calls Daniel Biss, 'Brotherhood 2.0 resident mathematician and linguist', about the plural of herpes, concluding the singular would be 'herpum' (the Arizona Herpums). (joke) — 00:01:38 · Daniel Biss, Brotherhood 2.0

00:02:08 — Twilight-vampire mascot; NFL fans vs Twilighters Venn diagram; googling Edward Cullen

  • ★★ John offers a final name, the Arizona blood-drinking silver-haired virgins, saying the NFL, for all its success, has almost completely failed to reach the Twilight fan demographic. (playful) (hedged) — 00:02:08 · Edward Cullen
  • ★★ John says Google's top autocomplete for 'is Edward Cullen' is 'is Edward Cullen real?', found while checking if Edward is a virgin; John answers that he is not real. (playful) — 00:02:34 · Google, Edward Cullen

00:03:02 — Edward Cullen is not real; prediction: Steelers by six; sign-off

  • ★★ John predicts that, entirely due to mascot superiority, the Steelers will win the Super Bowl by six. (playful) — 00:03:02

Humor (dominant)

  • John acts out the Bolton Wanderers' players being asked if they want to play soccer, playing on the name 'Wanderers'. — 00:00:40 > «Mmm, yeah, kinda, but I also just kind of want to walk around aimlessly.»
  • John wants a team name that celebrates tenacity, reminding opponents they can't stop you, only hope to contain you. — 00:01:38 > «Like the Arizona herpes.»
  • John shows a 'professionally produced' Venn diagram of NFL fans and Twilighters with very limited overlap; the only place the circles touch... — 00:02:34 > «is me.»
  • Google's top suggestion for 'is Edward Cullen' is 'is Edward Cullen real?'. — 00:03:02 > «No, no, he is not real. He is not real, and he is not possible.»

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