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My Butt Has Some Complaints About Australia

2017-09-15 · letter vlog · Hank · 3:59 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Economics (also: Health, Personal life, Everyday life) · mode: Personal essay · tags: self promotion

Back from VidCon Australia with jet lag, Hank complains that his nice Melbourne hotel had miserable toilet paper, says butt problems such as hemorrhoids, fissures and IBD are common and nothing to be ashamed of, and argues that businesses cut the premium for nicer toilet paper at the cost of people with butt problems.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Jet lag, the nice Pan Pacific hotel in Melbourne and VidCon Australia

  • ★ Hank, jet-lagged, says he is using the tripod for support so he doesn't fall over. (playful) — 00:00:01
  • ★★ Hank stayed at a very nice hotel in Melbourne, part of the Pan Pacific chain, with a river view and soft sheets. — 00:00:08
  • ★★ Hank says the whole VidCon Australia experience was so nice and he loves Australians. — 00:00:28 · Australia

00:00:46 — The hotel's terrible toilet paper; Hank's Walmart job and why Walmart toilet paper is bad

  • ★★ Hank says the nice hotel's toilet paper was a miserable disgrace. (playful) — 00:00:46
  • ★★ Hank recalls working at Walmart, where people took whole toilet paper rolls home; replacing them, he would find someone had filled a backpack with it within two hours. — 00:01:00
  • ★ Hank says Walmart doesn't have nice toilet paper because people would take it. — 00:01:18

00:01:23 — Butt problems are common and not shameful; what a bad toilet paper experience does; diaper rash cream

  • ★★★ Hank says many people have butt problems, such as hemorrhoids, anal fissures and IBD, and they should not be ashamed of them. (hedged) — 00:01:25
  • ★★ Hank notes that America has no bidets while Europe has plenty. (playful) — 00:01:48 · United States, Europe
  • ★★ Hank thinks many people without butt problems don't realise how bad they can be. (hedged) — 00:01:56
  • ★★ Hank says a single bad toilet paper experience can ruin days of his life, making walking something he doesn't want to do. — 00:02:03
  • ★★ Among his strategies, Hank recommends carrying a little tube of diaper rash cream for lubrication. (hedged) — 00:02:13

00:02:19 — The butt-cheeks song

00:02:40 — Buying the most expensive toilet paper, confusing pricing, and why businesses skimp on it

  • ★★ Hank orders the cheapest thing at restaurants but buys the most expensive toilet paper, assuming the makers have done something. (hedged) — 00:02:51
  • ★★ Hank says toilet paper pricing is intentionally confusing and wants a per-yard cost; that is how profit works. — 00:03:10 · capitalism
  • ★★ Hank jokes that 'make a product, confuse the consumer, profit' also works for the American medical system. (satire) — 00:03:17 · United States
  • ★★ At home people don't notice the 20% or 40% premium they pay for nicer toilet paper. — 00:03:35
  • ★★★ Hank argues a business buying lots of toilet paper sees that premium as a big expense to eliminate, at the cost of people with butt problems having a good day. — 00:03:41 · capitalism

00:03:51 — Sign-off

In the description and comments

  • ★★ The description links tour tickets and says the Orlando show is still not on sale; they are working hard to sort it out. — video description
  • ★ The description says it will be interesting to see what YouTube's demonetization algorithm makes of a video about butt problems and toilet paper. (playful) — video description · YouTube

Humor (significant)

  • Hank praises the hotel's sheets and imagines the cotton's inner life. — 00:00:21

    “Cotton that grew out of the ground with one hope in its little cotton brain. To make me happy.”

  • After calling it a very nice hotel with terrible toilet paper, Hank wonders about Australians. — 00:01:23

    “Do Australians just have like iron butts?”

  • Hank breaks into a song over a beat, miming butt cheeks with his hands. — 00:02:33

    “The motion I'm making is a simulation of the action of both of your butt cheeks.”

  • After 'step three, profit' works for the American medical system, Hank addresses the burn. — 00:03:26

    “Oh, you guys gonna have to get some salve for that burn, which you will charge yourselves way too much for.”

Threads in this video

Where the stories that moved here went next

Mentioned

Central: Toilet paper

Also: Projects: VidCon Australia

Organizations: Pan Pacific Hotels Group · Walmart

Concepts: Anal fissure · capitalism · health care prices in the United States · Hemorrhoids · Inflammatory bowel disease · jet lag

Places: Australia · Europe · Melbourne · United States

Products: Downy

Only in the description or credits: demonetization · Orlando, Florida · YouTube

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