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Your 4-Minute Guide to ALL 32 TEAMS at the 2018 World Cup

2018-06-12 · list · John · 3:59 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Sports · mode: Curiosity & trivia · tags: timely hook, self promotion

In under four minutes John introduces all 32 nations at the 2018 World Cup in Russia with a fact or a joke each, names Egypt (for Mohamed Salah) his adopted team, and says he will live-tweet every game at @sportswithjohn.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — The World Cup every four years, bribable FIFA, and no United States

  • ★★ Every four years the 32 best men's national soccer teams gather for the World Cup. — 00:00:01
  • ★ The World Cup is played in whichever country has most successfully bribed FIFA officials. (satire) — 00:00:06
  • ★★ The World Cup is the most watched sporting event in the world. — 00:00:10
  • ★★★ The United States will not be at the World Cup. — 00:00:12 · United States

00:00:17 — Argentina to Iceland: Messi, the Socceroos, Egypt as John's adopted team, England's fans

  • ★★ Argentina have Lionel Messi, arguably the best player never to win the World Cup. (hedged) — 00:00:17
  • ★★ Australia's team is called the Socceroos, which makes them hard to dislike. (playful) — 00:00:21 · Australia
  • ★★ Belgium have argyle on their uniforms, so they'll probably win the tournament. (joke, hedged) — 00:00:25
  • ★★ Brazil are always a joy to watch, except against Germany, and are the favourites to win this year (2018). — 00:00:28
  • ★★ Colombia's jerseys look like they have an armpit sweat pattern, but John praises star James Rodríguez's extraordinary good looks. (playful) — 00:00:34
  • ★★ Costa Rica just passed the US in life expectancy and beat the US twice in World Cup qualifying. — 00:00:41 · United States
  • ★★ Croatia have a chessboard on their uniform. — 00:00:46
  • ★★ Denmark invented Lego, which makes them fun to root for. (playful) — 00:00:49
  • ★★ Egypt have qualified for their first World Cup since 1990. — 00:00:52
  • ★★ Egypt are led by Mohamed Salah, whom John calls a noted hero and dreamboat. (playful) — 00:00:56
  • ★★ Egypt's goalkeeper is 45, which John calls an inspiration to old people like himself. (playful) — 00:00:59
  • ★★★ All in all, Egypt are John's adopted team for the World Cup. — 00:01:04
  • ★★ Every World Cup England's fans expect an early exit; the team reaches the quarterfinals, loses there, and fans are shocked it did exactly what it always does. (playful) — 00:01:08 · England
  • ★★ France's mascot is a rooster. — 00:01:23
  • ★★ France are a trendy pick to win, but John is dubious since they couldn't beat the US in a friendly over the weekend. — 00:01:26 · United States
  • ★★ Germany are very good, and their manager always looks like an aging Beatle trying to hail a cab. (playful) — 00:01:31
  • ★★ Iceland qualified for the World Cup despite having a population smaller than Wichita, Kansas. — 00:01:35
  • ★★ Iceland would be a great adopted team for John if not for his undying love for Mohamed Salah. (playful) — 00:01:44

00:01:50 — Iran to Uruguay: Panama, Peru, Putin, Senegal's chances, Suárez's nearly perfect record

  • ★★ Iran's backup goalkeeper slept on the floor of the pizza restaurant where he worked until signing a professional contract a few years ago. — 00:01:50
  • ★★ Almost all Japan's players play for Japanese teams, so it's no excuse to say MLS can't develop World Cup-level players. — 00:01:56
  • ★★ Mexico are obviously the best team in North America. — 00:02:04 · United States
  • ★★ Mexico's Rafa Márquez will be playing in his fifth World Cup. — 00:02:06
  • ★★ Morocco have a very strong defense, which they will need against Spain and Portugal. — 00:02:10
  • ★★ Nigeria have the best kits in the tournament and might go far, but they are in the hardest group. (hedged) — 00:02:14
  • ★★ Panama qualified for their first World Cup ever; John is 'totally over' them beating the US in qualifying, and asks how the US lost to Trinidad. (playful) — 00:02:20 · United States
  • ★★ Peru, home country of John's friend the writer Daniel Alarcón, with a sash on their uniform and their first World Cup since 1982, is an excellent adopted team, unless you look into 'these dreamy eyes'. — 00:02:29
  • ★★ Poland are a good long-shot pick to go far if their star striker Robert Lewandowski is in form. — 00:02:42
  • ★★ Portugal have Cristiano Ronaldo 'if you're into that kind of thing'; John is working through his issues around Real Madrid. (playful) — 00:02:47
  • ★★ Russia is hosting the tournament, and John won't say more because he is genuinely scared of Vladimir Putin. (playful) — 00:02:54
  • ★★ Saudi Arabia are the biggest underdogs. — 00:02:59
  • ★★ Serbia's defense has tons of experience, or, put another way, they're old. (playful) — 00:03:00
  • ★★★ Though nobody agrees, John thinks Senegal could reach the semifinals because Sadio Mané is very good, and denies any Liverpool bias. (hedged) — 00:03:05
  • ★★ South Korea's coach is only four years older than Egypt's goalkeeper. (playful) — 00:03:14
  • ★★ Spain are kind of the Yankees of soccer. (hedged) — 00:03:17
  • ★★ Sweden no longer has Zlatan Ibrahimović, football's biggest personality, 'so why bother?' (playful) — 00:03:20
  • ★★ Switzerland specializes in neutrality, perhaps why they play so many excruciatingly boring nil-nil draws. (joke, hedged) — 00:03:25
  • ★★ Tunisia's kits look so good John bought one, though he fears their World Cup will be brief. — 00:03:31
  • ★★ Uruguay's striker Luis Suárez has bitten opponents on three occasions, yet in more than 99% of his competitive games he hasn't bitten anyone. (playful, hedged) — 00:03:35

00:03:50 — Live-tweeting every game at @sportswithjohn; sign-off

  • ★★★ John will live-tweet every game of this year's (2018) World Cup from his sports Twitter, @sportswithjohn. — 00:03:50 · Twitter

Humor (significant)

  • Where the World Cup gets played — 00:00:06

    “which is played in whatever country has most successfully bribed FIFA officials.”

  • England's fans predict an early exit every World Cup, then are shocked by it — 00:01:08

    “that their national team did EXACTLY what it always does.”

  • Germany's manager — 00:01:31

    “looks like an aging Beatle trying to hail a cab.”

  • Suárez has bitten opponents three times, but in 99% of games he hasn't — 00:03:35

    “a NEARLY perfect record.”

Threads in this video

Where the stories that moved here went next

Mentioned

Central: FIFA World Cup

Also: People: Cristiano Ronaldo · Daniel Alarcón · James Rodríguez · Lionel Messi · Luis Suárez · Mohamed Salah · Rafael Márquez · Robert Lewandowski · Sadio Mané · Vladimir Putin · Zlatan Ibrahimović

Projects: Sports with John

Organizations: FIFA · Liverpool FC · Major League Soccer · New York Yankees · Real Madrid CF · Twitter

Concepts: life expectancy

Places: Argentina · Australia · Belgium · Brazil · Colombia · Costa Rica · Croatia · Denmark · Egypt · England · France · Germany · Iceland · Iran · Japan · Mexico · Morocco · Nigeria · North America · Panama · Peru · Poland · Portugal · Russia · Saudi Arabia · Senegal · Serbia · South Korea · Spain · Sweden · Switzerland · Trinidad and Tobago · Tunisia · United States · Uruguay · Wichita, Kansas

Products: Lego

Only in the description or credits: Rosianna Halse Rojas

Also centred on FIFA World Cup: Mmmm....PARTS · You're Gonna Die · GOOOOOOOL!!!! · ALL THE SHIRTS (and some paths to community) · Who Should We Root For? · Sports are Dumb

Later videos replying to this one

  • 2018-06-15 · Sports are Dumb (Hank) — continues — “But I will admit, coming into your video, a certain lack of interest in the World Cup” (00:01:51)