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The Weirdest Post-Chemo Symptoms

2023-09-01 · letter vlog · Hank · 7:04 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Personal life (also: Philosophy & meaning) · mode: Personal update · tags: heavy topic

Hank lists the unexpected side effects of finishing chemotherapy (no more blood donation, re-rolled hair and a possible beard, ocular migraines, health anxiety, survivor guilt, learning he was not needed for everything) and, prompted by a dead TikToker whose videos keep posting, reflects that we all keep posting through culture and that what we make may not be about us.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Greeting, unsure of the day; a young TikToker with cancer who died but whose videos keep posting

  • ★★ Hank started following a young man on TikTok after getting cancer because he talked about his cancer; the man has died but his videos, normal content, keep being posted. — 00:00:00 · TikTok

00:00:26 — Post-chemo side effects: no more blood donation, re-rolled hair, a possible beard

  • ★★★ Hank expected side effects from cancer and chemotherapy but did not realize there would be side effects to stopping chemotherapy and no longer having cancer. — 00:00:26 · chemotherapy
  • ★★ Hank, an O-negative universal donor who always felt guilty when not donating blood, is now no longer allowed to donate, which frees him of that guilt. (playful) — 00:00:46
  • ★★ Hank says people told him that hair lost to chemo grows back re-rolled: curly may become straight, bald may regrow, gray may be lost or gained, some become gingers. — 00:00:55 · chemotherapy
  • ★ Hank found no research on how chemo regrowth works, perhaps because it is fairly trivial compared with everything else a patient goes through. — 00:01:32
  • ★★ Having re-rolled his head, Hank appears to have less head hair and expects to be more bald than before. (hedged) — 00:01:32
  • ★★ Hank, who could never grow much facial hair (two failed goatees), says he might now be able to grow a beard. (hedged) — 00:02:01
  • ★ Hank stares at beards, even studied a former colleague's beard at a housewarming party, asking teen-boy questions at 43. (playful) — 00:02:30

00:03:00 — Chemo-beard joke; we all keep posting after death through the words and culture we leave

  • ★★★ Hank says we all get to keep posting after we are gone: the words he says were coined by forgotten people, so culture is them still posting. — 00:03:00

    “we all kind of get to keep posting after we're gone”

  • ★★ Hank says he is made of millions of tiny influences from people he can never know, and calls being part of that a remarkable thing. — 00:03:29

00:03:50 — Ocular migraines, health anxiety, survivor guilt, and stepping back from work with help from others and John

  • ★★ Since finishing chemo Hank has had ocular migraines (a light show, then nausea and throbbing), though they don't last long for him. — 00:03:50 · chemotherapy
  • ★★ Hank has health anxiety; he expected work anxiety to distract from it, but the feeling of work anxiety triggers his health anxiety. — 00:04:20
  • ★★ Hank has a tinge of survivor guilt, feeling he has no space to talk about cancer because it didn't hurt him enough, which he knows is irrational. — 00:04:20
  • ★★ Despite feeling necessary for years, Hank was able to stop and do what he needed, thanks to help from many people and especially John. — 00:04:49 · John Green

00:05:48 — Not needed for everything; what posthumous videos say and what one would make without seeing the response

  • ★★ Hank felt needed for everything but wasn't: the work kept going without him, which is great news and a lesson. — 00:05:48
  • ★★★ Wondering what posthumous videos are trying to say, Hank suggests they may say that the things we make aren't really about us. (hedged) — 00:06:10

00:06:37 — Clarifies he is not dead and did not schedule videos; sign-off

  • ★★ Hank asks what you would make if people would watch it but you could not see how they felt, which is very different from how he imagines creation. — 00:06:37

In the description and comments

  • ★★ The description says Hank is on Dropout's show Dimension 20, which he is a big fan of; the first episode is on YouTube, and Dropout is one of his favorite subscriptions. — video description

Humor (significant)

  • Hank opens unsure which day it will be for John — 00:00:00

    “could be any could be any of the major ones any of the major seven of the days”

  • Being barred from giving blood frees guilt-ridden O-negative Hank — 00:00:55

    “Freedom! I'm free of that one.”

  • Hair regrowth after chemo compared to re-rolling stats — 00:00:55

    “Like, it's your Dungeons & Dragons character, you're rolling for charisma and for strength and stuff.”

  • Hank imagines viewers thinking his new beard makes him look like a nerdy Jason Statham — 00:02:01

    “you weren't thinking that no one was thinking that”

  • Hank studies other men's beards at a housewarming — 00:02:30

    “i'm over here like a 43 year old man asking like teen boy questions”

  • Hank fears beard-hungry guys will seek chemo — 00:03:00

    “And I just don't want to see chemo beard trending on TikTok.”

  • After a video about posthumous posting that opened unsure of the day, Hank clarifies — 00:06:37

    “just for clarity, I'm not dead.”

Threads in this video

Where the stories that moved here went next

Mentioned

Central: chemotherapy · cumulative culture · young guy Hank followed on TikTok

Also: anxiety disorder · blood donation · Dungeons & Dragons · Jason Statham · Migraine · survivor guilt · TikTok

Only in the description or credits: Dimension 20 · Dropout

Also centred on cumulative culture: I Gotta Go: Signing Off and Thinking about Inspiration · Redefining What it Means to Matter · 5 Songs You've Never Heard That You've Heard 1000 Times · Dear Young People, You Terrify Me · What a Concept!! · On Immunity, Inoculation, and Individuals

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