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The Worst Things About Not Having Cancer

2024-03-15 · letter vlog · Hank, Grace · 6:43 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Health (also: Personal life) · mode: Personal essay · tags: heavy topic, self promotion, guest or collab

More than four months into remission from Hodgkin lymphoma, Hank walks through the hardest parts of leaving cancer treatment (losing the feeling of care, the fear of relapse, survivor guilt toward cancer friends, not getting your old body or self back) and argues that good news can still be weird and hard.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Remission update, a clip from his friend Grace's video, and why the transition out of treatment deserves discussion

  • ★★★ Hank says it has been more than four months since his last scan declared him in remission from Hodgkin lymphoma; that beats the alternative, but some things about it he doesn't like. — 00:00:00 · Hodgkin lymphoma
  • ★ Hank says his friend Grace, who has also been going through cancer treatment, just uploaded a video about this. — 00:00:00
  • ★ Grace: In a clip from her video, Grace voices the post-treatment urge to make up for lost time: get creative, get a schedule, work out. (playful) — 00:00:00
  • ★★ Hank says his experience is unrepresentative: he has a lot of support and comparatively little treatment. — 00:00:29
  • ★★★ Hank says the transition out of cancer treatment is not discussed as much as it should be, and grows more relevant as treatments get more powerful. — 00:00:29

00:00:58 — First point: the care of treatment ends and normality feels like being ignored

  • ★★ Hank says in Missoula he was extremely well taken care of during treatment: he saw his doctor at least twice a month and was getting scans, chemo and radiation. — 00:00:58 · Missoula, Montana, chemotherapy
  • ★★★ Hank's first and worst point: during treatment, hard-working, high-status people fretting over you makes you feel valued; after remission, being plopped back into normality feels like being ignored. — 00:00:58 · cancer

00:01:57 — Second point: remission is not the end; relapse risk and checking in with the cancer center

  • ★★★ Hank's second point: he expected remission to mean being done, but it isn't; he might have cancer again at any moment. — 00:01:57
  • ★★ Hank says the peak time for relapse of his cancer is in about the next year, and a relapse would make him a trickier case than most people. — 00:01:57 · Hodgkin lymphoma
  • ★★ Hank says a relapse would probably show up as swollen lymph nodes in the neck, armpit or groin, but could show up in many other ways. (hedged) — 00:01:57 · Hodgkin lymphoma
  • ★★ Hank's doctor told him to keep feeling his armpits and neck for lymph nodes and to call if anything seems weird, but bodies seem weird sometimes. (playful) — 00:01:57
  • ★★ Hank says each time he has called, the cancer center said it didn't seem like cancer but he was right to call; he waffles between overreacting and certainty the cancer is back. — 00:02:26
  • ★★ Hank wants to be invited back into the system and to know the people there still care for him, even if he isn't seeing them twice a month. — 00:02:26

00:02:55 — Anxiety spikes, cancer friends who relapsed or died, survivor guilt and fairness

  • ★★★ Hank says he doesn't want to die, and every couple of weeks he has anxiety spikes in which he becomes certain the cancer is back. — 00:02:55
  • ★★ Hank says he made many cancer friends during treatment: some have relapsed, some are terminal, and some have died. — 00:02:55
  • ★★★ Hank says he cannot stop feeling a bitter, guilty relief that he is not in his cancer friends' situation; you wonder not just why you got sick but why you got better. — 00:03:27
  • ★★★ Hank says the only thing that helps is accepting that fairness is a human idea and the universe doesn't care about it. — 00:03:27

00:03:56 — Third point: you don't get to go back, in body or self; big changes and a new you after treatment

  • ★★★ Hank's third point: you don't get to go back, mentally or physically; treatments leave a mark, and he won't have the body he had before. — 00:03:56 · chemotherapy
  • ★★ Hank says people don't understand this, especially young people's peers, who have less experience with illness and assume you're all better. — 00:03:56
  • ★★ Hank says it is not unusual for cancer treatment to cause lifelong disability. — 00:04:25 · cancer
  • ★★★ Hank says the self has also been through something important, so back in your old life you can't tell if you fit; fighting to stay alive and just being alive differ greatly. — 00:04:25
  • ★★ Hank thinks this is why many people make big changes after cancer treatment: a marathon, a book, tattoos, or becoming a professional stand-up comedian. — 00:04:55
  • ★★ Hank recommends a 100-day plan of self-discovery after treatment if you're able, even something simple like chess, coding, biking or a little daily art. — 00:04:55
  • ★★★ Hank says when big things happen the whole person doesn't come through: a different you comes out, perhaps interested in new things, and finding them can be joyous with support. — 00:05:24

00:05:53 — Conclusion: lucky and guilty; good news can be weird and hard

  • ★★ Hank says he knows he is very lucky and feels guilty about being this lucky. — 00:05:53
  • ★★★ Hank says it is important to talk about this because unambiguously good news can still be super weird and super hard. — 00:05:53

00:06:20 — Between Two Kingdoms recommendation, sign-off, congratulations to John and his Crash Course guest lecture

  • ★★ Hank recommends Suleika Jaouad's Between Two Kingdoms as a beautiful, well-done discussion of this. — 00:06:20
  • ★★ Hank congratulates John on his work in D.C. and the big news going on. — 00:06:20 · John Green
  • ★★ Hank says they just announced John's Crash Course guest lecture, a new thing Crash Course is doing. — 00:06:20 · Crash Course, John Green

In the description and comments

  • ★★ The description says Hank feels weird about this video, happy but nervous: having googled 'probably isn't cancer' and then it was, every weird blood test or abdominal pain now carries that shadow. — video description

Threads in this video

Where the stories that moved here went next

Mentioned

Central: cancer · Hodgkin lymphoma · remission · survivor guilt

Also: People: Grace (friend, mentioned from 2024)

Projects: Crash Course

Works: Between Two Kingdoms

Concepts: absurdism · chemotherapy · Disability · personal identity · Radiation therapy · stand-up comedy

Places: Missoula, Montana · Washington, DC

Only in the description or credits: Suleika Jaouad

Also centred on remission: Remission

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