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How to Name Your Baby Properly

2011-03-02 · list · Hank · 3:46 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Everyday life · mode: Advice & reviews · tags: self promotion

Replying to John's funny-names list, Hank gives future parents seven comic rules for naming a baby, then concludes there are no rules: you are not your name. He closes by plugging his Miami show before his Haiti trip.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Reply to John: parents should spare children the anguish of a bad name; Hank's guide

  • ★★ Responding to John's video on Ima Hogg, Harry Baals and Chris P Bacon, Hank says a parent's job is to help a child avoid unnecessary anguish, and a bad name can cause significant anguish. — 00:00:10

00:00:31 — Seven rules for naming a baby: say it out loud, name what you call, check the language, no cuteness, avoid top names, spell normally, use a real name

  • ★★ Rule one: say the name out loud in every possible permutation, perhaps running it past a focus group of 12-year-olds. (playful) — 00:00:31
  • ★★ Rule two: name your child what you will call your child. — 00:00:53
  • ★★ Hank's parents always called him Hank but named him William, so when asked his name at a doctor's office or airport he has to stop and think. — 00:00:58 · Hank Green
  • ★★ Rule three: if you don't speak the language where your child will grow up, get native speakers to help. — 00:01:17
  • ★★ Rule four: stop trying to be cute with names that play on the surname; Hank admits he'd love a daughter named Olive Green but says don't do it. (playful) — 00:01:32
  • ★★ Rule five: check the top baby names and avoid them, because names are a unique identifier; a name shared with 10% of a child's social group has failed. — 00:01:52
  • ★★ Hank says John and Jennifer are no longer even in the top 10; the top baby names of 2010 were Jacob and Isabella, and there were more Jaydens than Johns. — 00:02:14 · John (name)
  • ★★ Rule six: spell like a normal person; unusual spellings change nothing except forcing the child to spell their name every time. — 00:02:26
  • ★★ Rule seven: name your child a real name, not a comic book character, item of clothing, profession, or a virtue like Chastity they will rebel against. (playful) — 00:02:48

00:03:06 — Final rule: there are no rules; you are not your name; sign-off

  • ★★★ Hank's actual final rule: there are no rules; Harry Baals and Ima Hogg prove you are not your name and it doesn't really matter. — 00:03:06
  • ★★ A bad name probably won't lead to anything but a little extra adolescent angst, which adolescents will find somewhere anyway. (playful, hedged) — 00:03:17

00:03:27 — End screen: Haiti immunizations; buy tickets for the Miami show in advance

  • ★★ Hank has just had his immunizations for Haiti, where he will be in about a week. — 00:03:27
  • ★★ Hank will be in Miami in less than a week and urges viewers to buy tickets for his show in advance, as there may be none at the door. — 00:03:33

Humor (significant)

  • Andrew Peacock's parents never tested his name out loud; Hank notices his story is turning into a limerick. — 00:00:46

    “Anyway, punchline: Droopycock.”

  • Named William but called Hank, he hesitates when an airport official asks his name. — 00:01:03

    “they're hastily adding me to the suspicious flyer list.”

  • Rule three: get native speakers to check the name. — 00:01:25

    “it probably would be a better place for those Harry Dongs.”

  • A couple named Silva think it adorable to call their kids Sterling and Hi-Ho. — 00:01:45

    “Hi-Ho Silva is going to be an adolescent and you don't want him to have another reason to hate you.”

Threads in this video

Where the stories that moved here went next

Mentioned

Central: personal name

Also: Bugs Bunny · Chris P. Bacon · Haiti · Harry Baals · Ima Hogg · Miami · Scooby-Doo

Also centred on personal name: Harry Baals & Dick Trickle: The Funniest Names in History

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