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How to Apologize like a Fartbag

2013-11-22 · list · Hank · 3:58 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Everyday life · mode: Advice & reviews · tags: community lore

Hank argues that after hurting someone you either regain your awesome through a real apology or become a 'fartbag' who blames the person they hurt, and lists do's and don'ts for apologizing: accept blame, feel bad, provide context without excuses, and change.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Hank is still in the studio, where banjo is being tracked for his album

  • ★ Hank is still in the studio, where banjo is being tracked for one of his albums, something he never expected. — 00:00:01

00:00:07 — DFTBA is hard; after doing something crappy you either apologize or become a 'fartbag' (definition, toe example)

  • ★★ Hank says Nerdfighteria's slogan of seven years, 'Don't forget to be awesome', is good because it is hard: being awesome needs constant vigilance and everyone will slip up. — 00:00:09 · DFTBA, Nerdfighteria
  • ★★★ Hank says that after doing something crappy you can either regain your awesome through a real apology or become a fartbag. — 00:00:30 · fartbag

  • ★★★ Hank defines a fartbag ('a technical definition') as a person who hurts someone and then blames the hurt person for their pain, like stepping on a toe and complaining. (playful) — 00:00:39 · fartbag

    “a person who hurts someone and then blames the person they hurt”

00:00:58 — Do's and don'ts of apologizing: don't blame, feel bad, don't ask forgiveness, understand, give context, accept blame, it's strength, change; sign-off

  • ★★ Hank: don't blame people for how they feel; telling someone you hurt they are too sensitive or don't understand your suffering makes you a fartbag. — 00:01:04 · fartbag
  • ★★ Hank is sick of the idea that we should feel the minimum of negative emotions; if you did something sucky you should feel bad, which is what a conscience is. — 00:01:18
  • ★★ Hank: an apology is not a request for forgiveness; you may hope for forgiveness but should not make further requests of the person you hurt. — 00:01:37
  • ★★ Hank: figure out and internalize what you did wrong, or the apology will be worthless and you will end up blaming the person who is hurt. — 00:01:54
  • ★★ Hank: figure out why you did the hurtful thing; don't make excuses, but do give context, since understanding is a powerful force in relationships. — 00:02:07
  • ★★★ Hank: don't just express sympathy but accept the blame; you are sorry that you hurt your friend, not that your friend is hurt. — 00:02:38
  • ★★ Hank: tell the people you hurt that you see what you did, know you can't undo it, and will not do it again. — 00:02:49
  • ★★★ Hank says the biggest cause of fartbaggery is believing all social interactions are zero-sum games, so apologizing feels like losing or submitting. — 00:02:56 · fartbag
  • ★★★ Hank says apologizing is a sign of strength, not weakness: it shows you and your ego can handle making a mistake. — 00:03:11
  • ★★ Hank cites research finding that people who apologize feel weaker but are seen as stronger, while those who don't feel stronger but are seen as weaker. — 00:03:20
  • ★★★ Hank: finally, tell the people you hurt how you are going to change, and then actually change. — 00:03:34

00:03:46 — An unidentified voice introduces a video about getting called out and how to apologize

In the description and comments

  • ★★ Hank's description says he has been thinking about apologies because some good friends did dumb things and made very good apologies, while some people online seem convinced they are always right. — video description
  • ★★ Hank writes that you're never always right, and that not intending to hurt someone has no bearing on whether you hurt them. — video description
  • ★★ Hank recommends Chescaleigh's video on apologizing, which helped him and is more specific to being called out for hurting a whole group with your language or actions; he calls her really amazing. — video description

Humor (significant)

  • Illustrating a fartbag: someone steps on your toe, you say 'ow', and they respond by blaming you. — 00:00:50

    “God, stop standing everywhere”

  • If you don't understand what you did wrong, you'll end up blaming the person who is hurt. — 00:02:03

    “Fartbag!”

  • Hank's last rule: actually change after apologizing. — 00:03:39

    “Cause otherwise you're just a very eloquent lying fartbag.”

Threads in this video

Mentioned

Central: apology

Also: DFTBA · fartbag · zero-sum game

Only in the description or credits: Franchesca Ramsey

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