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Am I ... Good?

2026-01-20 · letter vlog · John · 5:07 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Books & writing · mode: Personal essay · tags: self promotion

John tells Hank that a Tumblr quote he had no memory of writing, attributed to Zombicorns, his 2010 Project for Awesome novella, led him to break his rule against rereading his own work; finding it enjoyable makes him wonder whether his published work is better than he remembers, and he concludes that dismissing his writing also dismisses the readers who love it.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — A Tumblr quote from Zombicorns, John's forgotten 2010 P4A novella, and a whiskey-fuelled reread

  • ★★ Searching his tag on Tumblr, John came across a quote attributed to him that he had no memory of writing; unlike usual misquotes, it carried an attribution. — 00:00:00 · Tumblr
  • ★★ The quote came from Zombicorns, a novella John wrote in 2010 for the Project for Awesome about a zombie apocalypse caused by corn monoculture. — 00:00:00 · Project for Awesome
  • ★★ John had almost entirely forgotten Zombicorns, but that night, perhaps because of a couple glasses of whiskey, he decided to reread it. (hedged) — 00:00:00

00:00:29 — John's policy against rereading his work and his habit of seeing only its failures

  • ★★ John has a strict policy against rereading his own work: there are other books, and since he can no longer change anything, rereading brings only intense self-loathing. — 00:00:29
  • ★★ John has not reread his first novel, Looking for Alaska, in about 22 years; asked about it, he says he doesn't know, it was half his life ago. — 00:00:29 · Looking for Alaska (novel)
  • ★★ John remembered Zombicorns as truly terrible and thinks of most of his work that way: he sees only its insufficiencies and failures, not what resonated with millions. — 00:00:58
  • ★★ John says this is partly how his mind works and partly the result of things that happened around 2014, which he and Hank discuss in this week's (week of 19 January 2026) Dear Hank and John. — 00:00:58 · Dear Hank and John

00:01:27 — Zombicorns turns out enjoyable: a passage read aloud, and art made to delight and instruct ourselves

  • ★★★ On rereading, John was surprised to find Zombicorns, though no literary achievement of significance, quite enjoyable, with genuinely good moments, and not nearly as bad as he remembered. — 00:01:27
  • ★ John jokes that maybe he is just in his "I celebrate myself and I sing myself" era. (playful, hedged) — 00:01:27
  • ★★ John reads a passage from Zombicorns' first chapter, in which the narrator 'completes' a zombified kid who attacked his puppy. — 00:01:27
  • ★★ John declares the line about completing a head all over the dining room credenza objectively good. (playful) — 00:01:56
  • ★★ John does not pretend Zombicorns is Toni Morrison, but it is good, and being able to like his own work again after a long while is fun. — 00:02:40
  • ★★★ Extending last week's (week of 12 January 2026) video, John says we make art not only to delight and instruct others, as Horace said 2,000 years ago, but also to delight and instruct ourselves. — 00:02:40
  • ★★ John grants that Zombicorns is also bad in many ways: a bit overwritten, with predictable plot twists and weak world creation. — 00:02:40

00:03:09 — Impostor feelings, his first novel in ten years, writers' insecurity, and why dismissing his work dismisses readers; sign-off

  • ★★★ Since Zombicorns' flaws didn't bother him, John wonders whether his published work might also be good, or at least better than he remembers. (hedged) — 00:03:09
  • ★★ John says he has always felt a bit like an impostor, but reading this thing he wrote for charity in 2010 made him believe in himself again. (playful) — 00:03:09
  • ★★★ John is writing fiction again, his first novel in almost ten years, and wonders whether anything he has to say will resonate with or be useful to anyone. — 00:03:09
  • ★★ John says it is also the job of the story to be useful to him, and it has been. — 00:03:38
  • ★★★ John says most writers he knows are profoundly insecure: writing is an insecure-making business because you bring your deepest, most vulnerable self to the story and open yourself to public praise and criticism. — 00:03:38
  • ★★ John says most people he knows, himself included, cannot fully separate their work from themselves when criticised. — 00:03:38
  • ★★ Though aware he is a rare success (35 million books sold, many languages), John has always been dismissive of his qualities as a writer, to pre-empt criticism. — 00:04:08
  • ★★★ Taking up a Tumblr user's point, John says that calling himself a bad writer also dismisses readers who love his work, the last thing he wants. — 00:04:37 · Tumblr
  • ★★ John toasts Zombicorns as a novella with much to recommend it and some good lines, written by someone trying very hard who didn't want you to know it. — 00:04:37

Threads in this video

  • looked back · P4A 2010 edition — The quote came from Zombicorns, a novella John wrote in 2010 for the Project for Awesome about a zombie apocalypse caused by corn monoculture. (00:00:00)
  • restate · What is art for? — Extending last week's (week of 12 January 2026) video, John says we make art not only to delight and instruct others, as Horace said 2,000 years ago, but also to delight and instruct ourselves. (00:02:40)
  • told · John writes his first novel in almost ten years (2025) — John is writing fiction again, his first novel in almost ten years, and wonders whether anything he has to say will resonate with or be useful to anyone. (00:03:09)
  • restate · Why make things? — John says it is also the job of the story to be useful to him, and it has been. (00:03:38)

Where the stories that moved here went next

Mentioned

Central: Zombicorns

Also: People: Horace · Toni Morrison

Projects: Dear Hank and John · Project for Awesome

Works: Looking for Alaska (novel) · Song of Myself

Organizations: Tumblr

Concepts: impostor syndrome · monoculture

Also centred on Zombicorns: My Zombie Apocalypse Novella · CONCUSSED Question Friday · QUESTION FRIDAY: Spelling is Hard Edition · Project for Awesome 2026 Kickoff!

Replies to

  • continues · why we make art — “It's an extension of what I talked about last week.”

Later videos replying to this one

Part of an exchange of 3 videos, 2026-01-13 – 2026-01-23.