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I'm Not Edward Cullen: A Song

2009-03-11 (said on 2009-03-12 — implied: date said in the video; uploaded -1 days later) · song · Hank, Katherine Green · 2:57 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Pop culture · mode: Comedy & performance · tags: song or performance, guest or collab, self promotion

Hank and Katherine sing a comic duet in which a boyfriend cannot live up to Edward Cullen and his girlfriend insists she can only love Edward, mocking Twilight's idealised vampire.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Hank's verse and chorus: his girlfriend wants him cold and hard; he's not Edward Cullen

  • ★ The description says the song is on the album This Machine Pwns n00bs and gives the chords (C, F, G). — 00:00:00

  • ★★★ In song, Hank plays a boyfriend whose girlfriend won't love him because he isn't Edward Cullen, though he can wear sparkly makeup and golden contacts. (parody) — 00:00:32

    “You don't love me 'cause I'm not Edward Cullen.”

00:00:57 — Katherine's verse and chorus: only Edward can protect her; rich, a century-old virgin; she can't love Hank

  • ★★ Katherine Green: Katherine's character answers that only Edward can protect her, citing his century of saved-up wealth and virginity, and says she can't love the boyfriend. (parody) — 00:00:57 · Katherine Green

00:01:52 — Bridge exchange (fancy cars, farting, the womb) and final double chorus

Humor (dominant)

  • Katherine lists Edward's virtues: protection, century-old investments. — 00:01:07

    “For a century he saved his virginity for me.”

  • Hank sings that loving Edward for his fancy cars is superficial. — 00:01:58

    “but Edward Cullen also never ever has to fart.”

  • In the bridge, Hank answers Katherine's praise of Edward with a jab at Twilight's vampire pregnancy. — 00:02:03

    “I hope someday his child will rip its way outta your womb.”

Mentioned

Central: I'm Not Edward Cullen · Katherine Green

Also: Edward Cullen · Forks, Washington · Twilight

Only in the description or credits: Aston Martin · This Machine Pwns n00bs (album)

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