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How To Be a Baby Properly

2013-06-07 · list · Hank · 3:27 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Philosophy & meaning (also: Science & nature) · mode: Personal essay

Hank welcomes his newborn niece Alice with a comic six-step guide to being a baby built on newborn biology, ending on the sincere point that a baby's cuteness lets people see beyond their own lifespans and care about the future.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Welcome to Earth, Alice: born into perhaps the most interesting time in history; the future could go either way

  • ★★ Hank welcomes Alice to Earth, 'a wonderful, terrible place', and says she is being born into what may be the most interesting time in human history. (hedged) — 00:00:00 · Alice Green
  • ★★★ Hank: if all goes well, in Alice's lifetime humans will walk on Mars, computers become intelligent, the paralyzed walk again, absolute poverty all but end, and she may live past 100; or technological society may implode. It could go either way. (hedged) — 00:00:12 · Mars, extreme poverty, Alice Green

00:00:42 — Uncle Hank's guide to being a baby, steps 1-5: born premature, crying, sleeping in 2.5-hour stretches, mouthing things, crying to communicate

  • ★★★ Hank explains that human babies are born quite premature compared with other placental mammals because our heads evolved to be so big they are hard to deliver later in development; a newborn is basically still an embryo. — 00:00:54
  • ★★ Hank says newborns want to be swaddled, warm and to hear whooshing noises, and that a baby's cry is designed to tap directly into the parents' sympathy. (playful) — 00:01:13
  • ★★ Hank advises Alice to sleep about two and a half hours at a time so her parents approach but never quite reach REM sleep, joking that they will start hallucinating. (playful) — 00:01:40 · Alice Green
  • ★★ Hank says that because newborns are so underdeveloped their nervous system is poor and complex sensing is concentrated in one area (he gestures), so babies put things in their mouths to learn what they are. (playful) — 00:01:55
  • ★ Hank says babies have two ways to communicate; the first, crying, should be used all the time, whatever the baby feels (hungry, sleepy, bored). (playful) — 00:02:09

00:02:32 — Step 6: cuteness - the key to hope, to seeing beyond our lifespans and to caring about the future

  • ★★★ Hank: a baby's cuteness is extremely potent - not just for inspiring love but the key to our hope, our ability to see beyond our own lifespan and feel part of a continuum back to the first self-replicating life. — 00:02:32
  • ★★★ Hank: the baby's cuteness reminds us that decisions we make now will affect her, her children and their children, and that she is the next, hopefully better, step in humanity. — 00:02:55

00:03:18 — Hank wishes he could see Alice and John; 'Craig, I will see you on Tuesday'

  • ★★ Hank wishes he could see and hold Alice, and see John, but won't for a while; he signs off to Craig instead of John: 'Craig, I will see you on Tuesday'. — 00:03:18 · Alice Green, Craig Benzine

In the description and comments

  • ★★ Hank's description says he has talked to John a lot since the birth: John is excited, exhausted, enjoying time with his family, and far less freaked out than when Henry was born. — video description · Henry Green
  • ★★ Hank writes that it is really weird to lose John not just from YouTube but largely from Tumblr and Twitter too, and asks viewers not to forget about him while he is gone. — video description · John Green, YouTube, Tumblr, Twitter

Humor (significant)

  • Crying is as easy as making any other noise for a baby, Hank explains — 00:01:24

    “But you're gonna want to look like it's really difficult.”

  • Hank advises Alice to sleep in two-and-a-half-hour stretches so her parents never quite reach REM sleep — 00:01:48

    “Which is going to be hilarious when they start having hallucinations.”

  • After declaring Alice the next, hopefully better, step in the process of humanity — 00:03:16

    “I hope that's not too much pressure.”

  • Instead of signing off to John, who is on leave, Hank signs off to next week's guest host — 00:03:24

    “But, Craig I will see you on Tuesday.”

Threads in this video

Where the stories that moved here went next

Mentioned

Central: Alice Green · cuteness

Also: artificial intelligence · Craig Benzine · extreme poverty · Mars · obstetrical dilemma · Rapid eye movement sleep

Only in the description or credits: Henry Green · Tumblr · Twitter · YouTube

Also centred on cuteness: John Reviews Kids Movies

Later videos replying to this one

  • 2013-06-11 · How To Be John Green (Craig Benzine) — imitates — “The reason that I'm so good at impersonating a baby is because of your most recent video, Hank.” (00:01:09)

Part of an exchange of 4 videos, 2013-06-04 – 2013-06-14.