Skip to content

Should I Feel Guilty?

2018-11-01 · letter vlog · Hank · 3:56 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Philosophy & meaning (also: Personal life) · mode: Personal essay

Starting from a tenant who felt 'made to feel guilty' about pulled-up wildflowers, Hank separates guilt for things one did from guilt for unearned advantages such as never needing student loans, and argues that deserving is the wrong frame: the question is what to do with advantages, letting guilt motivate helping others rather than weigh one down.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Candy-bar opening; Hank's landlord and the new tenant argue over pulled-up flowers

  • ★ Hank, with a few dozen little candy bars, asks John to sit for four minutes while he works some things out. (playful) — 00:00:02
  • ★★ Hank recalls watching his landlord (he calls him Snickers) ask the new front-house tenant (Heath) if he pulled up the back-garden flowers; Heath said he pulled up weeds. — 00:00:08

00:00:41 — The wedding wildflowers; Hank's confusion about guilt; guilt for things done unintentionally

  • ★★ The landlord said they were wildflowers grown from the seeds thrown at his wedding, and Heath replied that now he was just making him feel guilty. — 00:00:41
  • ★★ Hank says he is honestly confused about guilt — not the legal status but the emotion. — 00:00:47
  • ★★★ Hank says he understands feeling bad for doing something wrong even unintentionally, since that negative emotion can make him behave better in future. (hedged) — 00:00:53

00:01:20 — Guilt for advantages others lack: his book deal, no student loans thanks to a wealthy grandfather

  • ★★ Hank says 'I didn't do it on purpose' is not the same as 'you didn't do it': having done it, you can act so it won't happen again, as when accidentally knocking over an old lady. (hedged) — 00:01:27
  • ★★ Hank says he also feels bad about having things others lack, like his book deal and well-received book while many other great books never got published. — 00:01:36 · An Absolutely Remarkable Thing
  • ★★★ Hank never had student loans because his grandfather ran businesses and was wealthy; his family was not wealthy but had a safety net his friends lacked, and he has always felt guilty about it. — 00:01:49
  • ★★ Hank says feeling this negative emotion when he didn't do anything doesn't seem fair. — 00:02:05

00:02:18 — Three ways of dealing with unearned advantage; psychologists on a little guilt being pro-social

  • ★★ Hank says he always thought there were three ways to deal with unearned advantage, and was wrong; the first is not thinking about it, easier if you only spend time with people like you. — 00:02:22
  • ★★ The second way is telling yourself a story in which you deserve the wealth, having worked unequally hard and smart. — 00:02:30
  • ★★ The third way is to feel guilty because you don't deserve your advantages. — 00:02:42
  • ★★ Hank says psychologists think a small amount of guilt is good, encouraging pro-social behaviour: thinking of your community, helping, volunteering, donating. — 00:02:46
  • ★★ Hank says guilt is still unpleasant, so one asks whether it makes sense to feel guilty about being born with money; his answer is yes. (hedged) — 00:02:58

00:03:12 — Deserving is the wrong frame: use guilt to do good with advantages; sign-off

  • ★★★ Hank says he deserves neither his guilt nor his advantages, nor his ulcerative colitis or healthy child: deserving is the wrong frame; the question is what to do with what you have. — 00:03:12
  • ★★★ Hank concludes: don't waste energy ashamed of what you didn't do; recognize your advantages and let guilt motivate you to help people who weren't so lucky. — 00:03:41

In the description and comments

  • ★★ In the description Hank says that everyone watching, just by having high-speed internet, also has many advantages that might not be obvious. (hedged) — video description
  • ★★ Hank writes that being told your normal is actually inequality can feel like an attack, as Heath felt attacked by Snickers, though the guilt was his own mind trying to help him behave differently. — video description

Threads in this video

Mentioned

Central: guilt · social privilege

Also: An Absolutely Remarkable Thing · meritocracy · prosocial behavior · Student loan · ulcerative colitis (concept)

Also centred on social privilege: Neck Beards and Fitness Challenges · Time for AWESOME · Started from the Bottom: Benjamin Franklin and Drake Compared · Deserving · How I (barely) Passed 11th Grade English · ...Not My Proudest Moment

← Previous: The Looking for Alaska Thing · Next → Let Us Now Praise the Panda Person