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What to Get for a Cancer Patient

2023-07-07 · list · Hank · 9:17 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Everyday life (also: Health) · mode: Advice & reviews · tags: heavy topic

Drawing on his own cancer treatment and thousands of Twitter replies, Hank advises how to help a sick friend: offer something specific rather than asking what you can do, give practical help and restful gifts, avoid unsolicited advice, and above all keep hanging out with them, scheduled for the long haul.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Hank, now one of the people others want to help, shares what he and thousands of people on Twitter appreciated

  • ★★ Hank says that, as someone people now want to help, he asked on Twitter, and thousands of people told him what they had and had not appreciated while sick. — 00:00:00 · Twitter

00:00:29 — Do not ask what you can do; practical help: meal delivery and gas cards, rides, meals in disposable containers

  • ★★★ Hank advises against asking a sick person what you can do: think of something yourself and ask if it is good, since 'what do you need' feels like a burden and 'which Pringles' feels like a gift. — 00:00:29
  • ★★ Hank says asking what you can do almost feels like a way to get out of actually doing something, since the sick person will not ask, and it adds work to an already stressful burden. (hedged) — 00:00:29
  • ★★★ Hank reports that, somewhat surprisingly, the most appreciated thing in the Twitter replies was meal delivery gift cards; people also named gas cards and rides. — 00:01:12 · Twitter
  • ★★ Hank says needs differ: for someone in a financially difficult spot an expensive gift can feel bad when what they need is gas money to reach the doctor. — 00:01:12
  • ★★ Hank advises asking before making meals for sick people, since tastes differ and they may have dietary restrictions, including from their illness. — 00:01:41
  • ★★ Hank says cleaning a casserole dish or Tupperware is work some sick people cannot do, so he has appreciated food in disposable containers such as aluminum pans. — 00:01:41

00:02:10 — Gifts: restful self-care items, his bald head, flowers later rather than in the first week, no white lilies, ask before giving food

  • ★★ Hank says the gifts he appreciated most imply he should focus on himself, healing and resting: blankets, pillows, and smaller things like bath bombs, soap, tea or lotion. — 00:02:10
  • ★ Hank says someone gave him oil for his bald head, shows the head, and notes it turns out to be a good shape; he had always had hair. (playful) — 00:02:39
  • ★★ Hank got many flowers in the first week, so he suggests scheduling flowers for two or three months after hearing the news. (hedged) — 00:02:39
  • ★★ Hank warns, having just learned it, that white lilies are mourning flowers: giving them to a sick person is like saying you are thinking about their funeral. — 00:03:08
  • ★★ Hank advises asking before giving food a person might feel bad ignoring or throwing away, because being sick can change one's relationship with food. — 00:03:08

00:03:38 — The most wanted thing is people: hang out, offer visits without dropping in, and schedule check-ins over months and years

  • ★★★ Hank was shocked that by far the most requested thing from others during illness was people, just hanging out, a feeling he shared but had thought made him a weirdo. — 00:04:02
  • ★★ Hank says being sick is stressful, time-consuming, or boring and isolated; sometimes he feels awful and wants to lie around, sometimes he feels good and wants a call. — 00:04:02
  • ★★★ Hank suggests being near a sick friend's home and offering to bring something and hang out, rather than dropping in unannounced when they might be puking. — 00:04:30
  • ★★ Hank reports that respondents said over and over that they do not want surprise drop-ins but do want visits, by phone, in hospital or at home. — 00:04:59
  • ★★ Hank reports respondents said check-ins and hangouts get further spaced out and less common as their illness progressed. — 00:04:59
  • ★★★ Hank says support floods in the week people hear of an illness but fades two months, six months, six years in, so schedule your support. — 00:05:36
  • ★★ Hank says he treats everything in his life as a project, including his relationships with his son, his wife and his brother: things to invest in and schedule. — 00:05:36 · Orin Green, Katherine Green, John Green

00:06:05 — Avoid advice unless you have been through it; never sway someone from a treatment plan made with their doctor

  • ★★★ Hank says friendships do not happen unless they are invested in, so support for a sick friend should go on the calendar. — 00:06:05
  • ★★ Hank suggests a reminder every two weeks to send the person funny TikToks, offer a phone call, or bring them a coffee. — 00:06:05 · TikTok
  • ★★★ Hank advises against giving a sick person advice unless you have been through something pretty similar. — 00:06:05
  • ★★ Hank says he wants to hear advice from people who have had Hodgkin's lymphoma and ABVD, his chemo regimen; talking with people who have been through cancer has been very helpful. — 00:06:05 · Hodgkin lymphoma, chemotherapy
  • ★ Hank cites a tip only experienced patients know: suck on ice chips during the bleomycin. — 00:06:34
  • ★★ Hank finds it useful when someone who had his regimen says weed helped with nausea, but does not care when he hears it from someone who just smokes a lot of weed. — 00:07:03
  • ★★★ Hank says one of the scariest things about being sick is fearing you are not doing the right thing for your health, which cannot be known for certain and is hard not to obsess over. — 00:07:03
  • ★★★ Hank says suggesting other treatments should be done very carefully and never to sway someone from a treatment plan made with their doctor, who knows more than you. — 00:07:03

00:07:51 — Sick people want normal socialization; it is an excuse to hang out with a friend; people need people; sign-off

  • ★★★ Hank says sick people mostly want the same things as anyone: to joke about their kids, relive grad school fun, talk about submarine disasters and hear what is up with you. — 00:07:51
  • ★★★ Hank says socializing with a sick person gets normal immediately: do not treat them as a delicate flower or as if already mourning them; they will discuss their illness as much as they want. — 00:08:20
  • ★ Hank says he loves to complain about being sick and would love people to let him. (playful) — 00:08:49
  • ★★★ Hank concludes that visiting a sick friend is just an excuse to hang out with a friend: once basic needs are met, what people need most, whatever their health, is people. — 00:08:49

In the description and comments

  • ★★ The description adds: help the helpers, whether with fun self-care products or by telling them you love them and they are doing a great job. — video description
  • ★★ The description says cancer treatment is very hard physically and psychologically, and knowing he is doing what needs to be done, even if it really sucks, is extremely valuable. — video description

Threads in this video

Where the stories that moved here went next

Mentioned

Central: disease

Also: People: Katherine Green · Orin Green

Organizations: TikTok · Twitter

Concepts: ABVD · bleomycin · cannabis · chemotherapy · friendship · gift card · Hodgkin lymphoma

Products: Pringles · Tupperware

Also centred on disease: Empathy and its Limits

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