What makes a good romantic relationship or friendship?
Since 2009 John has warned against mistaking obsession for love, and he holds that strong marriages rest on mutual generosity and that shared projects bring people closer. Hank says friendship and love take time and work, and in 2025 he resolved to spend more time with his friends. In 2013 Hank pushed back on John's view of friendship and romance, while agreeing friendship is undervalued.
Axis: mutual understanding of a whole person ... pursuit / idealisation of a prize
Positions by date: 43 records in 42 videos. shift and revise mean the position moved; tension — disagreement with the other speaker.
John
| date | how | position | video |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2008-05-20 | first on record | John says people who are mostly ideas are more attractive, but in his experience loving a person who is mostly an idea is not sustainable. | Guys Love Giraffe Love 00:00:41 |
| 2009-03-10 | restate | John advises that neediness and obsessive focus drive girls away, no person can fill the holes inside you, and girls should be treated as people. | How to Get Girls to Like You 00:01:29 |
| 2009-04-21 | restate | John says obsession comes from fixating on one person's affection as the key to happiness, but no single person stands between you and happiness and fixation is not love. | Question Tuesday 00:01:40 |
| 2009-11-29 | restate | John says Edward and Bella's dynamics are troubling and obsession shouldn't be conflated with love, while granting that everyone romanticises those they adore. | John Reviews Twilight and New Moon 00:02:19 |
| 2010-05-10 | restate | John says a romantic partner shouldn't only 'maybe' like you, boys who don't like smart girls aren't worth dating, and some people simply won't want to kiss you. | Advice on Dumb Boyfriends, Going to College, and More 00:01:21 |
| 2010-09-24 | restate | John tells 15-year-old Hank that sexuality is not that big a deal and that romantic relationships are not the only important relationships. | Dumping My Girlfriend 00:02:21 |
| 2011-02-14 | restate | John criticises the obsession with romantic love, as if loving sustained relationships required sleeping together, and asks why Best Friends Day isn't the biggest shopping day. | CHUBBY BUNNY...blergh! 00:01:07 |
| 2011-04-11 | restate | John holds that worries about a partner (is he gay, is he cheating) are questions for the partner, not Google: talk to each other, even if that leads to a break-up. | Is My Boyfriend Gay? Is He Cheating? 00:01:57 |
| 2012-04-17 | restate | John says the secret to a successful marriage is mutual generosity (and liking the same TV programmes). | Thoughts on Romance and Sex in an Airport 00:02:22 |
| 2013-01-22 | restate | John argues 'more than friends' wrongly makes face-licking the step past friendship: he and the Yeti are more than friends because of shared responsibilities, and his friendship with Shannon is not 'just' anything. | How to Be More Than Friends: Question Tuesday 00:01:14 |
| 2014-01-24 | restate | Answering why love is so hard, John says love should always be a little bit of work because it matters. · also in: John and Hank Hanging Out but they Keep Getting Younger and More Pixelated | The Naughty Professor: Hank and John at the Beach - REUNION! 00:01:50 |
| 2014-09-05 | restate | John says shared projects strengthen relationships: he and Hank are closer because they do things together. · also in: John and Hank Hanging Out but they Keep Getting Younger and More Pixelated | REUNION TUESDAY! FRIDAY! WHATEVER! 00:02:13 |
| 2016-03-29 | refine | John passes on his parents' advice for a strong marriage: mutual generosity. | My New Book, Marriage Advice, and Hamilton: 50 Snapchat Questions Answered! 00:03:18 |
| 2017-05-23 (said on 2017-05-14, implied) | restate | For marriage advice, Sarah reminded John of a Philip Larkin poem ending 'we should be careful of each other, we should be kind while there is still time'; John wishes the same for him and Hank. | Boxes, Butterflies, and Regular Aunts: Live from the Past, It's Question Tuesday 00:03:23 |
| 2018-08-07 | restate | John says the friendship didn't happen all at once, it wasn't love at first sight, but as they spent more time with Chris and Marina he began to hate Indianapolis less. | How I Made Friends 00:02:47 |
| 2019-09-03 | restate | Asked if he believes in true love, John says not really, but in something more miraculous: two people not made for each other can share a lifetime of joy, grief, wonder and hope. | Death, Love, and John's Religion: The Big Questions Take Over Question Tuesday 00:01:27 |
| 2019-09-10 | restate | John says he always knew Sarah was smarter than him but has aimed to be a contender in the room with her; for 16 years they have read each other's writing and challenged each other's ideas. | Another Contender in the Room 00:00:29 |
| 2020-09-08 | restate | John says third things are essential not only to marriages but to many other relationships: BTS could be one in a friendship, a YouTube channel in a sibling relationship. | That's the way. 00:01:20 |
| 2021-08-03 | restate | Telling Hank he loves him feels like looking at the sun or confessing a secret; the vulnerability may be what makes it hard, and John dislikes it though it is essential to loving and being loved. | I L*** Hank 00:00:29 |
| 2023-08-03 | restate | John says what we really need and can give each other is accompaniment and attention: walking with and listening to each other so no one goes through things alone. | I love you, Hank. Happy Esther Day. 00:04:47 |
| 2024-05-21 | restate | John says Sarah has always been another contender in the room with him; the rule is to take each other seriously, respect each other and acknowledge one another's complexity. | Getting Personal about Getting Personal 00:02:38 |
| 2025-08-26 | restate | John says the real work of a relationship is making someone feel loved and appreciated all year round, which Hank is brilliant at. | Not to Criticize Hank… 00:03:33 |
| 2026-01-06 | restate | As a sentimentalist, John argues love is both a feeling and a decision: feelings come and go as decisions don't, and as a decision love involves sacrifices and compromises. | Hope Is Not a Feeling 00:01:27 |
| 2026-02-10 | restate | John says old friends, like siblings, sometimes need shared projects as an excuse to connect. | I Was a Teenage Dirtbag 00:03:43 |
| 2026-05-05 | restate | John says siblings, especially entering adulthood, sometimes need shared problems and opportunities, a shared site of interest, to connect; he and Hank have had that since 2007. | Noted Brother Hank Green 00:01:40 |
| 2026-06-23 | restate | John says a long marriage has an accomplishment piece and a beauty piece; they are lucky to be a close family with extraordinary parents who helped make them who they are. | A Very French Reunion 00:07:14 |
| 2026-09-30 | restate | John says the ultimate bit commitment is lifelong relationships: choosing one or two among eight billion people and sticking to it for life, which proves an interesting, complicated bit. | The Point of Life 00:00:50 |
| 2026-10-06 | restate | John says that for him friendships often form through shared affinities. | Make Your Art. 00:00:29 |
Hank
| date | how | position | video |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2012-03-16 (said on 2012-03-17, implied) | first on record | Hank holds that a friend-zone relationship is unhealthy for both people, that trying to make someone love you by doing everything for them is a horrible way to get love, and that real, mutual-respect friendship is the healthy alternative. | Exiting the FRIENDZONE 00:01:17 |
| 2012-04-20 | restate | Hank says adult friends are made as always (shared acquaintances and interests, mutual tolerance) and kept by doing things together; married people can keep opposite-sex friends unless a mutual urge to kiss arises. | Thoughts on Growing up 00:02:37 |
| 2013-01-25 | restate | Hank says friendship means uncovering each other's brokenness and liking the person because of it; such friends are rare; spouses must be very good friends. | How to Make Friends 00:00:29 |
| 2013-01-25 | tension | Hank takes exception to John's last video: he would not belittle the difference between friendship's emotional intimacy and romance's emotional and physical intimacy, though he agrees friendship is undervalued. → refers to How to Be More Than Friends: Question Tuesday | How to Make Friends 00:00:58 |
| 2014-03-14 | refine | Hank says romantic relationships can be wonderful but need consent, and their joy comes from discovering both are into it; not saying no is not saying yes. | Sexual Abuse, Consent, and Culture 00:02:35 |
| 2018-08-03 | restate | Hank says valuing others is what friendship and love are, and the one thing he knows: love is not free; it takes a devotion of time and energy; it takes work. | How Do Adults Make Friends? 00:03:41 |
| 2019-08-03 | restate | Hank says we may assume loved ones know, but they still want to hear it, and it is good to say it out loud. | I Love John: Esther Day 2019 00:01:00 |
| 2021-05-07 | restate | With careers, community and content tied together for so long, the brothers share an identity Hank finds really healthy: one's success is the other's success. | Are We The Same Person? 00:01:18 |
| 2022-08-03 | restate | Hank says their relationship is built largely on collaboration, earning respect and impressing each other; 'I love you', meaning unconditional care, belongs to a different, good but unfamiliar playing field, so it is uncomfortable. | Why is it So Hard to Say 'I Love You'? 00:00:58 |
| 2023-05-19 | restate | Hank's lesson: all the time he has invested in friendships, even when hard or busy, has been joyful in the moment and wise in the long term; he has really needed friends lately. | So, I've got cancer 00:09:15 |
| 2023-07-07 | restate | Hank says friendships do not happen unless they are invested in, so support for a sick friend should go on the calendar. | What to Get for a Cancer Patient 00:06:05 |
| 2025-01-03 | restate | Hank's New Year's resolution is to spend more time with his friends: he does not invest enough in those relationships, for reasons partly internal and partly external that he can't tease apart. | My 2025 Bingo Card 00:05:06 |
| 2025-08-03 | restate | Hank says he does need John to know he loves him regardless of what they do together, how John feels or whether John likes his ideas, because John is his brother, and that saying it unconditionally matters. | Why I Actually Love My Brother 00:02:14 |
| 2026-09-29 | restate | Hank's advice: friendships are super important; committing to a bit is not a strategy but happens with certain friends, so if you find people to do it with, do it. | Pretend You Don't Know This 00:03:36 |
| 2026-10-07 | refine | Hank says he often feels no good at helping people through hard times, though he has improved with age, and has found that people just need little gifts and recognitions. | The 5 Meanest Things We've Named a Species 00:00:00 |
Background
| date | how | position | video |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2009-07-28 | background | John says guys who don't like smart girls are the guys you don't want to date. (playful) | Love and Romance Questions ANSWERED 00:03:32 |
| 2009-12-15 | background | John advises telling a friend about romantic feelings calmly, as 'I like you if you like me', without putting the friendship in jeopardy. (playful) | In Which A Secret Is Revealed 00:03:18 |
Dates are upload dates, which set the order. Where the speaker gives a different recording date in the video, it is added as "said on YYYY-MM-DD, implied" (derived from the date said in the video).