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How I Made Friends

2018-08-07 · story · John · 4:00 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Everyday life · mode: Personal update

Following up Hank's video on adult friendship, John, a loner made nervous by social events who loves deep connections, tells how after moving to Indianapolis in 2007 his attempts to make friends failed until he met Chris and Marina at a neighborhood party; he concludes he had not failed, just not succeeded yet, and that towns are made of people.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Reply to Hank's friendship video: John's solitary hobbies, social nervousness and the difficulty of finding deep connections

  • ★★ John says he likes to spend time by himself: most of his hobbies (reading, writing, gardening, listening to podcasts) are things generally done alone. — 00:00:07
  • ★★ John says he gets anxious in situations with lots of new people, not primarily because of his mental illness but because many people find social engagements nervous-making, especially alone. (hedged) — 00:00:18 · mental disorder
  • ★ John says in such situations he is often not his best self, self-conscious about how much he talks or sweats, which makes it hard to be in the conversation. — 00:00:31
  • ★★★ John says he loves the warmth of deep connections with close friends and family, but without them already it is hard to find them without putting yourself in nervous situations where you struggle to engage. — 00:00:41

00:01:09 — Moving to Indianapolis, failed attempts to make friends, meeting Chris and Marina at the neighborhood party and the slow growth of the friendship

  • ★★★ John says he and Sarah moved to Indianapolis in 2007 for Sarah's job, making him a 'trailing spouse'; he knew almost no one and, working alone in his basement, struggled to make friends at work. — 00:01:09 · Sarah Urist Green, Indianapolis
  • ★★ John says he volunteered, attended events and accepted every invitation, as the internet advised, but none of it worked; drained and discouraged, he felt Indianapolis wasn't the place for him. — 00:01:25 · Indianapolis
  • ★★★ A few months after moving, at the street's annual neighborhood get-together John didn't want to attend, Chris introduced himself; with Chris's fiancée Marina they talked, and John asked for Chris's number. — 00:01:46 · Sarah Urist Green, Indianapolis
  • ★ John says he didn't want to go partly because everyone on his street was kind of old, like 40, with kids and stuff. (playful) — 00:01:58
  • ★ At the party they talked about Chris's time in the Peace Corps and John's time as a hospital chaplain, and about living on a street full of old people. — 00:02:34
  • ★★ John says the friendship didn't happen all at once, it wasn't love at first sight, but as they spent more time with Chris and Marina he began to hate Indianapolis less. — 00:02:47 · Indianapolis
  • ★★ Chris and Marina both worked from home then, and they often went to lunch together, so John astonishingly sort of had work friends. — 00:02:56
  • ★★ John describes Marina as compassionate and incredibly thoughtful, someone who makes you feel heard and cared for, and Chris as hilarious, charismatic and deeply loyal. — 00:03:03
  • ★★ Knowing John was lonely, Chris invited him into his IndyCar fantasy league and over to watch TV, and through Chris John made more friends. — 00:03:13 · Indianapolis

  • ★★★ John says he eventually wanted to stay in Indianapolis for good, because towns are made out of people in the end, and he has come to love many people there. — 00:03:23 · Indianapolis

    “towns are made out of people in the end”

00:03:34 — He had not failed, only not succeeded yet; 11 years of friendship; sign-off

  • ★★★ John says he didn't want to go to the party because he had tried and thought he had failed at making friends; in fact he just hadn't succeeded yet. — 00:03:34
  • ★★ This week (week of 6 August 2018) Chris, Marina, Sarah and John celebrate 11 years of friendship; now they are the old people with kids at the neighborhood party, and John couldn't be more grateful. — 00:03:43 · Sarah Urist Green

Threads in this video

Mentioned

Central: Chris Waters · friendship · Indianapolis · Marina (friend, mentioned from 2016)

Also: IndyCar Series · loneliness · mental disorder · Peace Corps · Sarah Urist Green · trailing spouse · Vince Vaughn · Vincent D'Onofrio

Also centred on Chris Waters: John and Chris Meet in the Middle

Also centred on friendship: How to Make Friends · How Do Adults Make Friends? · So, I've got cancer · Views · My 2025 Bingo Card · I Was a Teenage Dirtbag

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