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How to Make Friends

2013-01-25 · letter vlog · Hank · 3:57 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Everyday life · mode: Advice & reviews

Hank argues that real friendship - uncovering and liking each other's brokenness - is rare and undervalued compared with romance; making friends needs repeated, unplanned interactions, initiative, vulnerability and hard questions, and spouses should be best friends.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — We are all differently broken 'rusted-out love machines'; friendship as removing emotional putty and liking someone because of their brokenness; close friends are few (two to three)

  • ★★ Hank says people's physical insides are roughly the same, but emotionally everyone is different - differently broken - and humans are very good at creating important relationships. — 00:00:00

    “We are differently broken, semi-functional, rusted-out love machines.”

  • ★★★ Hank defines friendship as removing the constructed emotional putty we show the world, uncovering the rusted edges, and liking the person not despite but because of that asymmetry. — 00:00:00

    “actually continuing to like that person not just in spite of all of that asymmetry but because of it.”

  • ★★ Hank says that kind of friendship takes a lot of work and upkeep, so it is not possible with very many people. — 00:00:29

  • ★★ Hank says studies of friendship count not Facebook friends but people you can share intimate things about your brokenness with: on average two to three per person. — 00:00:29 · Facebook

00:00:58 — Reply to John: friendship and romance differ, but friendship is undervalued and romance glorified (matchmaking industry, compatibility quizzes); without friends they are hard to find

  • ★★★ Replying to John's last video, Hank would not belittle the difference between the emotional intimacy of friendship and the emotional and physical intimacy of romantic relationships. — 00:00:58 · John Green
  • ★★★ Hank agrees friendships are undervalued: culture glorifies romance, matchmaking is an industry with in-depth compatibility quizzes, and nothing similar exists for friends. — 00:00:58
  • ★★ Hank says that without good friends it can be really hard to find them, adding 'I know about that.' — 00:01:27

00:01:56 — How to make friends: repeated, unplanned interactions; take initiative, share yourself, let people help you, think about them complexly

  • ★★★ Hank says psychologists in the 1950s found friendship requires repeated, unplanned interactions, which is why many friends come from school or work. — 00:01:27
  • ★★★ Hank advises people without school or a physical workplace to put themselves where repeated unplanned interactions will happen, and to figure out how themselves. — 00:01:56
  • ★★★ Hank advises taking the initiative: start conversations, share yourself, treat interactions as ends not means, let people help you and ask favors, listen and think about people complexly. — 00:01:56 · imagine others complexly
  • ★★★ Hank says that only makes acquaintances; real friends need important, uncomfortable conversations - what you want to be in five years, what you dislike about yourself, what you love and hate most. — 00:02:26

00:02:55 — Ask uncomfortable questions; it's okay to break up with friends; don't marry someone who isn't your friend; the brothers are married to their best friends; sign-off

  • ★★ Hank says we should be thankful for friends we made organically who accept us, and that it's okay to break up with friends who don't, as with romantic partners. — 00:02:55
  • ★★★ Hank says not to marry a romantic partner if you don't appreciate each other's 'bizarre broken sculpture within': it probably won't work unless you are very good friends. (hedged) — 00:03:24
  • ★★ Hank tells John they are both very lucky to be married to their best friends. — 00:03:24 · John Green, Katherine Green, Sarah Urist Green

Threads in this video

Mentioned

Central: friendship · propinquity

Also: Facebook · imagine others complexly · Katherine Green · number of close friends · romantic love · Sarah Urist Green

Also centred on friendship: How Do Adults Make Friends? · How I Made Friends · So, I've got cancer · Views · My 2025 Bingo Card · I Was a Teenage Dirtbag

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