Why is it So Hard to Say 'I Love You'?

2022-08-03 · letter vlog · Hank · 3:09 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Personal life · mode: Personal essay · tags: calendar ritual

On Esther Day, Hank tells John he loves him and explores why that is hard: it makes you vulnerable, and the brothers' relationship was built on competition, respect and accomplishment; it is getting easier as they age, as he feels life's impermanence, and because Esther Day made them practice.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Happy Esther Day and 'I love you'; why it is hard to say to John: vulnerability and a relationship built on competition and respect

★★ Hank wishes John a happy Esther Day, tells him he loves him, and says that saying it is getting easier, and he has ideas why. — 00:00:00 · Esther Day, John Green, Esther Earl
★★ Hank notes it is harder to say 'I love you' to John than to Mom, Katherine or Orin, and that it is very hard to say why we do or feel anything. — 00:00:00 · Sydney Green, Katherine Green, Orin Green
★★★ Hank says the simplest answer is that saying 'I love you' leaves you very vulnerable: it is like telling someone they have the power to hurt you very much. — 00:00:29
★★ Hank says brothers can have competitive, even antagonistic relationships, as he and John once did; their relationship has long not been zero-sum, but that history is in its foundation. — 00:00:29 · John Green
★★★ Hank says their relationship is built largely on collaboration, earning respect and impressing each other; 'I love you', meaning unconditional care, belongs to a different, good but unfamiliar playing field, so it is uncomfortable. — 00:00:58

00:01:27 — Why it is getting easier: age, impermanence, and Esther Earl's Esther Day making them practice

★★ Hank's first reason it might be getting easier: they are getting older, and accomplishment and competition are more tempered. (hedged) — 00:01:27
★★★ Hank's second reason: he is more aware that all this is temporary, and something deeper and truer than earning respect through accomplishment will matter more and more. — 00:01:56
★★★ Hank's third reason: Esther made them practice. — 00:01:56 · Esther Earl, Esther Day
★★ Hank explains that Esther Earl, an early community member, died of cancer in 2010, and asked how to celebrate her birthday, chose non-romantic love: a Valentine's Day for all other kinds of love. — 00:01:56 · Esther Earl, Nerdfighteria, cancer

00:02:40 — Esther Day updates: tonight's livestream and a This Star Won't Go Out t-shirt; sign-off

★★ Hank says anything new is hard the first time, and outside one's experience still hard the fifth, but after about 12 Esther Days it is easier, which is a good gift. — 00:02:40 · Esther Day, Esther Earl
★★ Hank announces an Esther Day livestream tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern with people from This Star Won't Go Out, Esther's family, John and Sarah, and the Animal Wonders folks. — 00:02:40 · This Star Won't Go Out (charity), Esther Earl, John Green, Sarah Urist Green, Animal Wonders, Esther Day
★★ Hank announces a t-shirt designed by Karen Hallion whose proceeds all go to This Star Won't Go Out, a charity that helps families with sick kids. — 00:02:40 · This Star Won't Go Out (charity)

In the description and comments

★★ The description asks viewers to register for the Esther Day livestream (8 PM Eastern) featuring Sarah and John. — video description · Esther Day, Sarah Urist Green, John Green, Esther Earl

Threads in this video

callback · The brothers' agreement never to use the L-word about each other (2010) — Hank wishes John a happy Esther Day, tells him he loves him, and says that saying it is getting easier, and he has ideas why. (00:00:00)
milestone · Esther Day: the brothers' annual videos on Esther Earl's birthday about what she chooses (2010) — Hank marks Esther Day 2022, saying the brothers have now practised saying 'I love you' about 12 times thanks to Esther. (00:02:40)
retold · Death of Nerdfighter Esther Earl, John's friend (2010) — Hank explains that Esther Earl, an early community member, died of cancer in 2010, and asked how to celebrate her birthday, chose non-romantic love: a Valentine's Day for all other kinds of love. (00:01:56)
restate · What makes a good romantic relationship or friendship? — Hank says their relationship is built largely on collaboration, earning respect and impressing each other; 'I love you', meaning unconditional care, belongs to a different, good but unfamiliar playing field, so it is uncomfortable. (00:00:58)
reminder · The brothers ask viewers to join the annual Esther Day livestream party (2021) — Hank announces an Esther Day livestream tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern with people from This Star Won't Go Out, Esther's family, John and Sarah, and the Animal Wonders folks. (00:02:40)
reminder · John asks Nerdfighters to tell someone they love that they love them on Esther Day (2010) — Hank says anything new is hard the first time, and outside one's experience still hard the fifth, but after about 12 Esther Days it is easier, which is a good gift. (00:02:40)
reminder · Hank invites viewers to donate to This Star Won't Go Out on Esther Day (2012) — Hank announces a t-shirt designed by Karen Hallion whose proceeds all go to This Star Won't Go Out, a charity that helps families with sick kids. (00:02:40)

Where the stories that moved here went next

Esther Day: the brothers' annual videos on Esther Earl's birthday about what she chooses (2010) — running; last: milestone, 2026-08-03

Mentioned

Central: Esther Day · Esther Earl · love

Also: People: Katherine Green · Orin Green · Sarah Urist Green · Sydney Green

Projects: Animal Wonders

Works: This Star Won't Go Out shirt

Organizations: This Star Won't Go Out (charity)

Concepts: cancer · romantic love · Sibling rivalry

Events: Valentine's Day

Only in the description or credits: Karen Hallion

Also centred on love: I Love My Brother · Happy Esther Day! · Lives Made of Love - Esther Day 2016 · Two Love Stories · Uncertain and Afraid · you're bundled up now? wait till you get older.

← Previous: Liberty Leading the People: How Revolutions Turn · Next → Let's Make Some Fish