Register 2019: hedges and bits

Statements from 2019 that are not plain sincere assertions: sincere claims the speaker hedged or marked as uncertain (with the hedge words quoted), and statements made as a bit. Plain sincere, unhedged statements are on the video pages. Back to the overview.

John

1041 statements · sincere 93% · playful 7% · other bits 0% · hedged or unsure 6%

Sincere but hedged (59)

Split by hedge type (derived from the quoted hedge words with a fixed word list — see the overview): epistemic doubt 39 · wish / hope 4 · opinion marker 3 · other hedge 7 · hedge words not recorded 6.

Epistemic doubt (39)

real uncertainty about whether it is true

2019-01-01 · How to Make Goals, Not Resolutions — That will be hard because the Looking for Alaska Hulu series will probably film this year (2019), as will a movie of Let It Snow, which John wrote with Maureen Johnson and Lauren Myracle. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:37)
2019-01-08 · I Quit Social Media. Here's How It's Going — John spends less time on the news but might be better informed, for instance knowing much more about what is happening in Yemen. — hedged: “I think I might be” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:43)
2019-01-22 · Maureen Johnson and Lauren Myracle's Let It Snow — John understands the press: Lauren and Maureen are successful, acclaimed authors but his name probably gets more clicks, and three authors' names are hard to fit in a headline. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:27)
2019-02-05 · Deepfake: A Brief History of Unreliable Images — John says Maryland Senator Millard Tydings probably lost re-election in 1950 because of a forged photo purporting to show him talking to the American Communist Party leader. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:26)
2019-02-12 · Are Textbooks Obsolete? — Asked whether textbooks are becoming obsolete, John answers maybe. — hedged: “Maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:55)
2019-02-19 · Battling Apathy and Searching for Meaning on Question Tuesday — John says that to maximize lifetime income you probably shouldn't get a liberal arts degree, but income is not the only metric for judging the quality of a human life. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:56)
2019-03-05 · Way, Way Down the Rabbit Hole — John says the negative of that photo was probably destroyed in World War II with 30,000 other Sander negatives, though a print seemed to exist. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:27)
2019-03-26 · Optimism and Spider People: Question Tuesday from the Looking for Alaska Set — John's favorite Catholic saint is probably St. Francis, but Sister Corita Kent would be his favorite if canonized, as a recent Art Assignment video explains. — hedged: “Probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:57)
2019-04-16 · Doing Somethings — The description plugs John's podcast The Anthropocene Reviewed and says maybe someday they will do live shows to benefit Partners in Health. — hedged: “Maybe” [epistemic doubt] (video description)
2019-04-30 · The Thing with Feathers — It might still fall apart: Wimbledon must win or tie the last game to stay up, but they have a chance. — hedged: “It still might all fall apart” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:26)
2019-04-30 · The Thing with Feathers — Wanting effort to count may be the wrong way to see it: like Ramsdale's ridiculous save on a deflected shot, most scrambles mean nothing, but you can't know which effort will work. — hedged: “I think that might be” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:54)
2019-05-07 · How I Read and Why — Perhaps he should have unshakable beliefs, but for now John is letting books, art and life shake them. — hedged: “Maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:33)
2019-05-21 · Keanu Reeves: A Love Letter — What fascinates John most is Keanu's off-screen work with the press and his seeming ability to keep a sense of self while famous, which John reports is tricky. — hedged: “seemingly” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:27)
2019-06-04 · On Sharing the Walk — John had a great weekend and is probably experiencing peak happiness; his voice is hoarse from four days of screaming. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:01)
2019-06-04 · On Sharing the Walk — John has been thinking about the verb 'to treasure': valuing something can lead to hoarding it, when what would help the universe most might be to share what you value. — hedged: “might” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:03)
2019-06-04 · On Sharing the Walk — John says the jersey had brought him a lot of joy, and maybe it was time for it to bring someone else joy. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:17)
2019-06-25 · Seemed Like a Good Idea: Eugene Schieffelin and the European Starlings — The description asks which current ideas are as bad as Schieffelin's starling idea, answering probably quite a few. — hedged: “Probably” [epistemic doubt] (video description)
2019-06-25 · Seemed Like a Good Idea: Eugene Schieffelin and the European Starlings — John says Schieffelin may have been the first to introduce the house sparrow to North America, to exterminate the caterpillars infesting the trees of Madison Park. — hedged: “might have been” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:29)
2019-06-25 · Seemed Like a Good Idea: Eugene Schieffelin and the European Starlings — An old story says Schieffelin introduced starlings to bring every bird in Shakespeare's plays to the US, but there seems to be no contemporary evidence for it. — hedged: “doesn't seem” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:24)
2019-07-09 · Life Hacks My Wife Taught Me — John says sponges are warm, wet and full of air pockets, ideal for bacteria, and putting them in the dishwasher to sterilize them might make the problem worse. — hedged: “might” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:27)
2019-07-16 · star struck — Fame is relative: Hank would probably act calm with Firmino, not from immunity but because to him Firmino isn't that famous, while John knows even his dentist's name. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:29)
2019-07-23 · What to Love and How — John guesses fans will now tell each other where they were in 2019, when Jordan Henderson lifted the trophy for Liverpool again. — hedged: “I guess” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:27)
2019-07-30 · The Mexican Repatriation — During the Great Depression the US deported at least 400,000 and possibly as many as 2 million Mexican-Americans, most of them US citizens. — hedged: “possibly” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
2019-08-06 · Uncertain and Afraid — Something is clearly wrong, John says, and maybe part of why he feels uncertain and afraid is that he doesn't know quite what. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:56)
2019-08-27 · Are Viruses Necessary? — John says someone with the flu might have over a hundred trillion flu viruses in their body. — hedged: “might” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
2019-08-27 · Are Viruses Necessary? — John tells Hank that Journey to the Microcosmos helped him grasp the diversity and ubiquity of life on Earth and is maybe his favorite YouTube channel of all time. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:26)
2019-09-17 · 'end the stigma' — The first, maybe most important, researched cause of stigma is perceived peril: highly stigmatized illnesses are often seen as a threat to healthy people. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:58)
2019-09-17 · 'end the stigma' — The mentally ill are often seen as unstable or dangerous, so the perceived peril may be less about catching the illness than becoming its indirect victim. — hedged: “may” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:27)
2019-09-17 · 'end the stigma' — Education seems to help reduce this stigma, but only to an extent. — hedged: “It does seem like” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:27)
2019-09-17 · 'end the stigma' — Syphilis was probably the world's most stigmatized illness 200 years ago, but it is now curable. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:55)
2019-11-01 · On Looking Up to Your Little Brother — Watching it took John back to writing the first draft of Looking for Alaska alone in a small furnished Chicago apartment, recovering from what would now be called a mental health crisis. — hedged: “I guess” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:41)
2019-11-01 · On Looking Up to Your Little Brother — John can't remember being this excited to read a book since perhaps Deathly Hallows. — hedged: “It might have been” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:39)
2019-11-07 · I took a year off social media. Here's what happened. — John might eventually return to use the platforms only for promotion, but for now he would get sucked back into the feed, given his long history of failing to moderate his social media use and other obsessions. — hedged: “might” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:58)
2019-11-07 · I took a year off social media. Here's what happened. — He still spends much time online: too much email, dumb Google News stories, and some lurking on Twitter and Reddit, which he will probably keep doing. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:26)
2019-11-12 · still learning — John says Burns probably wrote at least three of the song's verses himself. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:29)
2019-11-12 · still learning — John says the song is perhaps most famous for inspiring the title of Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye, whose Holden Caulfield mishears 'meet a body' as 'catch a body'. — hedged: “perhaps” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:26)
2019-11-19 · Kylie Jenner Shows Me What's Wrong with Reddit — John says Jenner apparently said 'rise and shine' in a funny way that was widely memefied, then quickly released merch. — hedged: “I guess” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:31)
2019-11-19 · Kylie Jenner Shows Me What's Wrong with Reddit — John says the trademark applications might not be approved, because several other companies already hold rise-and-shine-related trademarks. — hedged: “which they might not be” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:26)
2019-11-26 · old fashioned parts video — John gives examples: Partners In Health might need money to support a clinic in the Navajo Nation or to buy medical supplies in Haiti. — hedged: “might” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:27)

Wish / hope (4)

a wish about the future, not a claim about what is true

2019-02-19 · Battling Apathy and Searching for Meaning on Question Tuesday — John says Turtles All the Way Down is being made into a movie, hopefully, and Hannah Marks, who is wonderful and often watches these videos, has been hired as director. — hedged: “hopefully” [wish / hope] (00:02:26)
2019-03-26 · Optimism and Spider People: Question Tuesday from the Looking for Alaska Set — Asked whether he'll ever write a new book, John says he hopes so. — hedged: “I hope so” [wish / hope] (00:02:26)
2019-06-11 · Why I Haven't Written a New Book — John intends to publish more novels, hopefully many more, and meanwhile is grateful his existing books still find new readers. — hedged: “hopefully” [wish / hope] (00:03:19)
2019-10-15 · I'm Having a Lot of Feelings — John knows he is done growing up but hopes he is not done growing. — hedged: “I hope” [wish / hope] (00:02:55)

Opinion marker (3)

marks a view as the speaker's own; not doubt

2019-03-05 · Way, Way Down the Rabbit Hole — John learned of two pictures apparently never publicly seen, one a Sander photo taken three years earlier of one of the boys, Otto Krieger, with his family. — hedged: “I don't think” [opinion marker] (00:00:58)
2019-07-12 · Why Are We Still Doing This? - Reunion Video! — John says it would be very hard for him to stop making the videos; he thinks he would spiral. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:33)
2019-10-08 · Looking for Alaska (...with Alaska) — John says this time the series is going to happen, he thinks. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:29)

Other hedge (7)

a hedge that matches none of the word lists

2019-01-01 · How to Make Goals, Not Resolutions — There is also the possibility of a Turtles All the Way Down movie, and John wants to be present for all of it. — hedged: “the possibility of” [other hedge] (00:02:45)
2019-01-15 · On Burning Resentment — John hasn't read Looking for Alaska in almost 15 years, but gathers that almost none of what people like about it was in the resentment-fueled drafts. — hedged: “From what I can gather” [other hedge] (00:02:26)
2019-03-12 · Going Home with Alaska and Miles — John says the eight-episode Hulu adaptation of his first novel, Looking for Alaska, is supposed to begin shooting soon. — hedged: “is supposed to” [other hedge] (00:00:00)
2019-07-02 · On Sunlight — John says it is reported that in 1634 Jean Nicolet, the first European to cross Lake Michigan, thought he had reached China. — hedged: “It's reported that” [other hedge] (00:00:29)
2019-08-27 · Are Viruses Necessary? — John says that, like all mammals, he is part virus: something like five to eight percent of the human genome comes from viruses. — hedged: “something like” [other hedge] (00:00:29)
2019-10-30 · this is a video about pineapples. — John says King Ferdinand of Spain was purportedly the first person to taste a pineapple on European soil, in 1496. — hedged: “purportedly” [other hedge] (00:01:56)
2019-11-12 · still learning — John says Holden doesn't get that the poem is about two adults hooking up because he isn't ready to, yet the social order, and arguably an adult in his life, treat him as if he is. — hedged: “arguably” [other hedge] (00:02:55)

Hedge words not recorded (6)

marked as unsure, but the hedge words were not quoted

2019-02-12 · Are Textbooks Obsolete? — John says he has no idea how this will turn out and is terrible at predicting the future. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:03:24)
2019-07-23 · What to Love and How — John asks whether you can be a Christian without damning those who aren't, a Liverpool fan without hating Manchester United, and whether an us can survive without a them. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:02:25)
2019-08-06 · Uncertain and Afraid — John doesn't know how we unwind from this labyrinth of terror and outrages, but believes we will. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:02:26)
2019-09-03 · Death, Love, and John's Religion: The Big Questions Take Over Question Tuesday — John says the female Stegosaurus may have lain on her side, or they may have backed up into each other, but we don't really know. — speculative (hedge words not recorded) (00:01:27)
2019-10-15 · I'm Having a Lot of Feelings — John may understand his anxiety differently in the future; he doesn't know. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:02:55)
2019-11-19 · Kylie Jenner Shows Me What's Wrong with Reddit — John doesn't know how the story got published: maybe a source exaggerated, maybe a miscommunication. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:02:11)

Joke (2)

a gag; not a claim

2019-06-04 · On Sharing the Walk — John jokingly credits the win primarily to his giving away the jersey and only secondarily to the players. (00:01:52)
2019-08-20 · Hank and John's Smooth Airport Reunion — John doesn't want a spaceship love story; they settle on a love story in a room in space prison, 'Space prison love', due in 2031 at his writing pace. (00:01:41)

Hypothetical (1)

a thought experiment or "what if"

2019-10-30 · this is a video about pineapples. — John suggests rich visitors from 18th-century Europe or North America would ask not why we put pineapple on pizza, but why we don't put it on everything. (00:02:55)

Playful (68)

a real point made in a joking way; the paraphrase records the meant core

2019-01-01 · How to Make Goals, Not Resolutions — John tries to make SMART goals; after garbling the acronym ('Roll Tide', 'Rob Thomas'), he settles on SMA goals: specific, measurable, attainable. (00:01:27)
2019-01-01 · How to Make Goals, Not Resolutions — John can't do much to stop the government shutting down, but wants to do whatever he can to stop himself shutting down. (00:03:45)
2019-01-08 · I Quit Social Media. Here's How It's Going — His phone still orders food, hails rides and more: basically a magic wand that just can't tell him how people feel about Will Smith in the Aladdin movie. (00:00:44)
2019-01-15 · On Burning Resentment — John says you can have 70 million YouTube subscribers and still imagine yourself a plucky underdog: the human capacity for self-pity is endless. (00:00:58)
2019-01-22 · Maureen Johnson and Lauren Myracle's Let It Snow — John proposes a better headline, 'Netflix's YA movie Let It Snow has a chillingly good cast led by Kiernan Shipka', which might get fewer clicks without search-optimized names. — hedged: “might” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:56)
2019-01-29 · Do You Believe in Miracles? — John says there is no way Wimbledon can win against Millwall, but there was no way they could win the last one either. (00:03:23)
2019-02-05 · Deepfake: A Brief History of Unreliable Images — John jokes the deepfake shows how bad Hank would look with a mustache and reminds him that he himself is no Tom Selleck. (00:00:00)
2019-02-05 · Deepfake: A Brief History of Unreliable Images — John says faked photos have long spread disinformation and changed history: Mussolini hid that he needed a horse trainer to look like Napoleon. (00:01:27)
2019-02-19 · Battling Apathy and Searching for Meaning on Question Tuesday — John collects football scarves: very limited function, but a beautiful form. (00:00:58)
2019-02-19 · Battling Apathy and Searching for Meaning on Question Tuesday — John says he studied English and religious studies, and now sits in a basement talking to a camera. (00:01:56)
2019-02-19 · Battling Apathy and Searching for Meaning on Question Tuesday — John still eats cereal with water, says it is still delicious and refuses to be shamed for it. (00:02:26)
2019-03-26 · Optimism and Spider People: Question Tuesday from the Looking for Alaska Set — Asked 'over, under, or in between?', John answers 'through', citing Robert Frost: the only way out is through. (00:02:26)
2019-04-16 · Doing Somethings — John calls it a horrible campaign slogan: not something prudent or good, just something. (00:02:26)
2019-04-23 · untitled — After John titled a college story 'Things Remembered, Things Forgotten', his creative writing professor put a moratorium on his titles. (00:00:00)
2019-04-23 · untitled — Looking for Alaska was the first novel John tried to title 'More Light Than Heat', after a Hamlet line about love that blazes with more light than heat. (00:00:29)
2019-04-23 · untitled — With every book John at some point wants to call it 'More Light Than Heat', and his publisher Julie Strauss-Gabel says no. (00:00:58)
2019-04-23 · untitled — John's kids joke that his next novel will be called 'Lizards All the Way Up'; maybe it will be. (00:01:27)
2019-05-07 · How I Read and Why — John notes that the number of books about conjoined twins is truly astonishing. (00:00:29)
2019-05-14 · An Open Letter to Professional YouTubers — John is somewhat repulsed by the word 'influencer', which makes him feel like a dystopian villain, which maybe he is. (00:00:00)
2019-05-28 · 3 Minutes and 58 Seconds of Darkness — John found 2007 camcorders good at static human-built spaces but overwhelmed by the actual world: a few fluttering leaves turned his camcorder into an impressionist painting. (00:00:22)
2019-05-28 · 3 Minutes and 58 Seconds of Darkness — John recalls photographing himself and Sarah in the 'vast and empty' Utah salt flats, angling the camera to leave out the many other people photographing themselves there. (00:01:04)
2019-06-04 · On Sharing the Walk — John says he should admit a jersey can't affect a match thousands of miles away, but he doesn't understand that, only intellectually: he is incurably superstitious, and who is he to say why they won. — hedged: “I guess” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:43)
2019-06-11 · Why I Haven't Written a New Book — As an example, John has not seen Fifty Shades of Grey yet feels he must have an opinion of it, and kind of does, though maybe the movie is amazing. (00:01:27)
2019-06-25 · Seemed Like a Good Idea: Eugene Schieffelin and the European Starlings — John mocks an old birding book that welcomed the starling's 'cheery' whistle over the chatter of house sparrows: only experimental-music fans call it cheery, and we introduced the sparrows too. (00:01:56)
2019-07-09 · Life Hacks My Wife Taught Me — John says he was profoundly unhappy for much of his 20s and, in retrospect, a large part of the problem was not changing his bed sheets often enough. (00:00:00)
2019-07-09 · Life Hacks My Wife Taught Me — John recommends changing your sheets once a week: getting into a bed with clean sheets is the purest sensory wonder and gives every week moments of splendor. (00:00:29)
2019-07-09 · Life Hacks My Wife Taught Me — In his teens and twenties John believed bath towels needn't be laundered because they only dried his clean body; he now calls that worldview incorrect. (00:00:29)
2019-07-09 · Life Hacks My Wife Taught Me — John thanks Josephine Cochrane, inventor of the automatic dishwasher, which has saved millions of work hours at the small cost of ruined cutting boards and unsterilized sponges. (00:01:56)
2019-07-09 · Life Hacks My Wife Taught Me — On their Caribbean honeymoon John brought beers to the beach but forgot a bottle opener, so Sarah opened them with her two-day-old wedding ring. (00:02:55)
2019-07-12 · Why Are We Still Doing This? - Reunion Video! — John pops in as a surprise guest and the brothers greet each other at VidCon. (00:00:00)
2019-07-12 · Why Are We Still Doing This? - Reunion Video! — John calls the closed balconies a great metaphor for the internet: one person pees off a balcony and nobody else ever gets a balcony again. (00:00:29)
2019-07-12 · Why Are We Still Doing This? - Reunion Video! — Asked whether they would switch personalities and lives, John says no: he likes Hank's kid, but not as much as his own kids. (00:02:33)
2019-07-16 · star struck — John knows people are just people but can't help himself: put him in front of Roberto Firmino and he will melt. (00:00:29)
2019-07-16 · star struck — In a grocery store cereal aisle a young person started screaming; John looked around in panic for the emergency before realizing he was the emergency. (00:00:58)
2019-07-23 · What to Love and How — Traffic was terrible, but John and Alice amused themselves by singing the Wijnaldum song for two straight hours. (00:00:00)
2019-08-20 · Hank and John's Smooth Airport Reunion — John says the second most embarrassing thing about Hank is that he faked a British accent for a full year as a teenager. (00:00:33)
2019-08-20 · Hank and John's Smooth Airport Reunion — Couple portmanteaus are for people in love and dating, like Bennifer, or William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman, together about 30 years. (00:02:34)
2019-08-20 · Hank and John's Smooth Airport Reunion — An announcement says someone left an inflatable crayon at the security checkpoint, which, John jokes, is cause for a full airport alarm. (00:03:03)
2019-08-27 · Are Viruses Necessary? — John has a cold: when he was younger a cold was a slightly annoying background hum, and now it is a borderline catastrophe. (00:00:00)
2019-09-10 · Another Contender in the Room — John says the first thing he learned from the book is that it's probably harder to support someone writing a book than to write one. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:26)
2019-10-08 · Looking for Alaska (...with Alaska) — When the book came out in 2005, John never imagined it would be in print 14 years later, still finding new readers who see its payphones and pre-vaping nicotine as historical fiction. (00:00:29)
2019-10-15 · I'm Having a Lot of Feelings — John was anxious TSA would ask about the Pizza John Halloween masks in his backpack, but got through with no problem. (00:00:00)
2019-10-15 · I'm Having a Lot of Feelings — John says the Pizza John masks are available at DFTBA.com for a properly horrifying Halloween costume. (00:00:29)
2019-10-28 · PIZZAMAS IS HERE!!!! — John jokes that he might need to grow a mustache, and one appears on camera; he calls it terrible, worse for being subtle. (00:00:00)
2019-10-28 · PIZZAMAS IS HERE!!!! — John claims the mustache that inspired Pizzamas was the first mustache not to know whether it was ironic, now a widespread phenomenon. (00:00:00)
2019-10-28 · PIZZAMAS IS HERE!!!! — John presents a Pizza John mug, for drinking coffee in a classy, sophisticated and slightly mustachioed way. (00:00:29)
2019-10-28 · PIZZAMAS IS HERE!!!! — John presents a 'magnificently subtle' Pizza John sweatshirt. (00:00:29)
2019-10-28 · PIZZAMAS IS HERE!!!! — John says everything is available only during Pizzamas at DFTBA.com and urges viewers to go right now, admitting a false sense of urgency. (00:02:09)
2019-10-28 · PIZZAMAS IS HERE!!!! — John says that now their profits go to charity, he has become a much harder seller. (00:02:09)
2019-10-28 · PIZZAMAS IS HERE!!!! — John presents two pins, 'pineapple pizza forever' and a crossed-out pineapple saying 'nope'; whichever sells more will be declared Nerdfighteria's collective opinion on pineapple on pizza. — hedged: “I guess” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:46)
2019-10-28 · PIZZAMAS IS HERE!!!! — John presents a Pizza John pennant, so buyers can brag about having gone to pizza college. (00:03:15)
2019-10-30 · this is a video about pineapples. — John says this is partly because international shipping rates are set by a secret cabal independent of actual transportation costs. (00:00:00)
2019-10-30 · this is a video about pineapples. — John says rich people worshipped pineapples a couple hundred years ago: regular access was the 18th-century rich person's version of owning a space exploration startup. (00:00:58)
2019-10-30 · this is a video about pineapples. — Pineapples are now $3 at the grocery store any day, John says; an 18th-century rich person would wonder how we resist gorging on those prickly sweet miracles. (00:02:55)
2019-11-01 · On Looking Up to Your Little Brother — John notes that YouTube had launched a couple of weeks earlier, but he had not yet heard of it. (00:00:00)
2019-11-01 · On Looking Up to Your Little Brother — John read a passage including the line about a party attended only by two deeply uninteresting people, thereby insulting the few who came. (00:00:29)
2019-11-01 · On Looking Up to Your Little Brother — John shows the Pizzamas sweatshirt and scarf, available only during Pizzamas, then reads his note about pretending supplies are limited. (00:03:37)
2019-11-05 · Letting It Snow with Kiernan Shipka, Shameik Moore, Anna Akana, and Blogbrother John Green — John replies that they could have: he has seen them in other things made without the authors, and those were good too. (00:01:49)
2019-11-19 · Kylie Jenner Shows Me What's Wrong with Reddit — John says even with a trademark he could still say 'rise and shine' to his children every morning, but couldn't start a cosmetics line by that name. (00:01:16)
2019-11-19 · Kylie Jenner Shows Me What's Wrong with Reddit — John says Jenner's lawyers presumably knew this, as they are also seeking to trademark the spelling with three i's in 'rise' and five vowels in 'shine'. — hedged: “presumably” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:32)
2019-11-19 · Kylie Jenner Shows Me What's Wrong with Reddit — John notes the only Gold Coast Bulletin story he read this year (2019) was that one: he is much more likely to click on its inaccurate news than its accurate news. (00:02:26)
2019-11-26 · old fashioned parts video — John predicts YouTube will someday probably move comments to a sidebar, so his pointing down at the comments will look like pointing at his pants. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:44)
2019-11-26 · old fashioned parts video — As a reward for reaching the end, John shows a picture of himself and Hank as reindeer, one month of the 2020 Project for Awesome calendar. (00:03:44)
2019-12-03 · We Are Cats Now, I Guess? — John says he can't act: he is such a bad actor that his cameo in the film adaptation of his book was cut, though he kept the wardrobe and wears it now as 'Girl's Father'. (00:00:27)
2019-12-03 · We Are Cats Now, I Guess? — John says one calendar month is like the trailer for the movie Cats, only self-aware and for charity. (00:01:03)
2019-12-03 · We Are Cats Now, I Guess? — At the DFTBA warehouse in Missoula, Montana, staff are crushing hundreds of these 'reprehensible' pennies into souvenirs as P4A perks. (00:01:41)
2019-12-10 · On Loneliness — Replying in a channel comment to a viewer who says one can hear the mustache, John laughs that it is still present. (video description)
2019-12-17 · The Best Days of My Decade — John jokes he'll probably never again see Hank in a tuxedo, so he is glad he took the chance. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:44)

Hank

1075 statements · sincere 87% · playful 11% · other bits 2% · hedged or unsure 8%

Sincere but hedged (76)

Split by hedge type (derived from the quoted hedge words with a fixed word list — see the overview): epistemic doubt 52 · wish / hope 3 · opinion marker 8 · other hedge 6 · hedge words not recorded 7.

Epistemic doubt (52)

real uncertainty about whether it is true

2019-01-04 · Bid Daddy Likes Pork Rinds - P4A Recap 2018! — Maybe the wonderful P4A feeling can't be had all the time, but Hank hopes the recap brings a little of it back now. — hedged: “Maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:17)
2019-02-01 · We Have Destroyed Copyright Law — Hank says this is possible because of safe harbor laws, including a big US one that says rights holders cannot sue YouTube for laws broken by its users. — hedged: “Apparently” [epistemic doubt] (00:05:46)
2019-02-01 · We Have Destroyed Copyright Law — Hank judges John's video probably not fair use, but argues it was excellent FA Cup promotion and even the English Football Association would agree it is better up than blocked. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:09:05)
2019-02-01 · We Have Destroyed Copyright Law — Hank calls Article 13 pretty scary: it makes intellectual property much stronger, which in his opinion probably makes creativity a lot weaker. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:11:49)
2019-02-01 · We Have Destroyed Copyright Law — Hank hints that, if John looks closely, he might be able to watch his blocked Tuesday video, slightly modified. — hedged: “there might be a way” [epistemic doubt] (00:12:07)
2019-02-22 · I Don't Want The Same Things Anymore — Hank says that if the person who started the conference can feel this way, anyone can in any circumstance; it's just human nature. — hedged: “I guess” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:29)
2019-03-01 · I Get a Robocall While Making a Video About Robocalls — Hank says his in-laws' phone gets maybe seven calls a day, three or four of them from people trying to steal their money. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:29)
2019-03-01 · I Get a Robocall While Making a Video About Robocalls — Hank says telecom companies may be able to do something about part of the problem if they worked harder on it. — hedged: “may” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:11)
2019-03-01 · I Get a Robocall While Making a Video About Robocalls — Hank says this is likely all due to just a few hundred or maybe a thousand scammers operating in the US. — hedged: “Likely” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:09)
2019-03-08 · Does "The Press" Hate YouTube? — Hank says it is also likely some journalists think YouTubers shouldn't have so much power and don't mind taking them down some notches. — hedged: “it's also likely” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:09)
2019-03-08 · Does "The Press" Hate YouTube? — Hank says the YouTube community has done great things, but culture hasn't figured out what to make of it, which might be why advertisers hesitate and why he wants journalists covering it. — hedged: “that might be why” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:08)
2019-03-08 · Does "The Press" Hate YouTube? — Hank says MatPat's video leaves the feeling that we don't know where to place the blame, maybe because there isn't a good place. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:37)
2019-03-15 · Why We Stopped Making Explainers: EXPLAINED — Hank worries that people want the opposite of editorial structures: individuals they trust because they share their values and are charismatic; trusting a source on charisma rather than rigor is bad. — hedged: “it seems like” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:44)
2019-03-15 · Why We Stopped Making Explainers: EXPLAINED — Hank suggests they may have stopped making so many explainers because they started to feel part of that trend. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:14)
2019-03-22 · How to Get a Colonoscopy — Hank says this is maybe his third or fourth colonoscopy; not remembering suggests it is no longer a big deal for him. — hedged: “I think this is maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:25)
2019-04-05 · TOO MANY MILKS — The description says Hank announces a zine, possibly. — hedged: “Possibly?” [epistemic doubt] (video description)
2019-04-05 · TOO MANY MILKS — Hank says all of his and John's after-tax DFTBA profits will go to charity, probably to help do a project with Partners In Health. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:15)
2019-04-05 · TOO MANY MILKS — Hank says the DFTBA Brewing merch is available only until today, maybe through the weekend. — hedged: “Maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:22)
2019-04-05 · TOO MANY MILKS — Hank says that, apparently, he can still make an entirely unscripted video. — hedged: “I guess” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:35)
2019-05-03 · What Game of Thrones is Really About — Hank offers a more positive reading of Game of Thrones so far: a common enemy ended some, but not all, petty squabbling, and the alliance it forged may give the last squabbler a very bad time. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (video description)
2019-05-03 · What Game of Thrones is Really About — There may never be another coal plant built in the US. — hedged: “may” [epistemic doubt] (00:09:36)
2019-05-10 · The Worst Product Ever — Hank says disposable DVDs are not okay, but we should think about throwing away a DVD every time we buy a Coke, since in waste terms they are about the same. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:24)
2019-05-17 · Keanu. — Hank suggests that what happens to us when we die may matter less than what happens to everybody else, and turning such thoughts outward could help many parts of our lives. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:54)
2019-05-31 · Uncomfortable Nuance: Natural Gas Edition — Hank says more regulated fracking in Asia could help bring an immediate end to new coal plants in China and India, probably the most important short-term goal for curbing the climate crisis. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (video description)
2019-06-14 · What /Actually/ Happened at Chernobyl — Hank says energy rose rapidly and something broke, perhaps several things, locking the graphite rods in the most dangerous position. — hedged: “It could have been a lot of different things” [epistemic doubt] (00:10:51)
2019-06-28 · My New Obsession — Hank can't quite explain why microscopic life astounds him; maybe because it was invisible and unknown for almost all of human history. — hedged: “Maybe it's because” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:15)
2019-06-28 · My New Obsession — Hank adds that maybe it is just because the microcosmos is really pretty, its organisms are our neighbors, and he wants to know more about them. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:47)
2019-07-05 · You Need to Know About This Ridiculous Fish — The sunfish's huge fecundity may suit its prey: jellies can boom one year and vanish the next, so a species gains from multiplying fast and maturing quickly to exploit prey explosions. — hedged: “might” [epistemic doubt] (video description)
2019-07-05 · You Need to Know About This Ridiculous Fish — Sunfish are named for sunning themselves flat on the water, perhaps to warm up before diving back to cold depths, or so seagulls will peck worms off them. — hedged: “Maybe both, maybe neither.” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:50)
2019-08-02 · The Cutest Octopus — There are 13, possibly 14 or 11, known Dumbo octopus species; scientists are confused because several were found only once, one not since the 1800s. — hedged: “possibly 14, possibly 11” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:13)
2019-08-02 · The Cutest Octopus — Their rarity doesn't mean humans destroyed them: they are probably fine and just live in hard-to-reach parts of the ocean, with probably many more species unknown. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:33)
2019-08-03 · I Love John: Esther Day 2019 — Disliking the traditional way of celebrating, Hank and Katherine don't celebrate Valentine's Day at all, but maybe they should find their own way. — hedged: “maybe we should” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:25)
2019-08-16 · ...Not My Proudest Moment — It seems, Hank says, that the more you have, the warier people are of taking from you; the less you have or seem to have, the more society exploits, punishes or gives up on you. — hedged: “it seems like” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:51)
2019-08-16 · ...Not My Proudest Moment — Hank wants a sociologist to explain it, but it seems real: both a cause of increasing inequality and something that worsens with it, and the source of much bad. — hedged: “it seems like” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:15)
2019-08-23 · The Amazon isn't "Burning" - It's Being Burned — Hank says the spreading fires could lead to a feedback loop that ends the Amazon. — hedged: “could” [epistemic doubt] (00:05:42)
2019-09-06 · Trump is Abnormal, It's His Superpower — Hank says someone, probably Trump, drew a Sharpie line on the map to include a slice of Alabama. — hedged: “probably President Trump maybe somebody else” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:21)
2019-09-06 · Trump is Abnormal, It's His Superpower — Hank says Sharpiegate is maybe important as a ham-fisted illustration of the degradation of the shared foundation of truth. — hedged: “Maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:51)
2019-09-20 · Why Does Australia... (this video is bad, I'm sorry) — Hank plans to watch The Fairies on YouTube and then maybe edit his book on the banks of the Yarra River. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:30)
2019-10-11 · Your Life Will be Better After you Know About Frogmouths — Hank says frogmouths are terrible parents and very bad nest builders, possibly because of their tiny legs and specialized beaks, and often lose eggs or chicks to falls. — hedged: “Possibly” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:51)
2019-10-18 · They Hacked Me — The hackers didn't seem to get into anything very important, but it is hard to tell. — hedged: “seem” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:58)
2019-10-18 · They Hacked Me — Hank says most of those who think they were never hacked probably have been without knowing it. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:58)
2019-10-18 · They Hacked Me — Hank says other platforms might have been hacked without anyone knowing, and those passwords are on sale. — hedged: “might” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:27)
2019-10-18 · They Hacked Me — Hank hopes his experience can be a wake-up call and a call for change, not for the individual but for society. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:57)
2019-10-29 · The Truth about None Pizza with Left Beef — Hank invites viewers to ask questions about the book, which he will probably talk about on Thursday. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:55)
2019-10-31 · Book News! — The first book is 330-something pages; the sequel will probably be over 400, a more involved story with more happening and more points of view. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:27)
2019-11-04 · This Cat Makes No Sense — The description suggests the useless pupils make the cats cute to humans and so may help save them by keeping captive breeding programs going. — hedged: “may actually” [epistemic doubt] (video description)
2019-11-04 · This Cat Makes No Sense — Hank says low to the ground the depth of field is shallower, and vertical pupils seem to keep horizontal blur for distance judging without losing the vertical contrast stereopsis needs. — hedged: “seem to” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:26)
2019-11-06 · Can You Be a Good Person in 2019? — Hank says this is rough to hear because he kind of believes it: every day the world gets a little more complicated and being a good person gets a little harder. — hedged: “I kind of believe it” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:51)
2019-11-15 · Are audiobooks worse? — Hank says retention seems measurably better on average when reading than when being read to, though it varies from person to person. — hedged: “it seems like” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:19)
2019-11-15 · Are audiobooks worse? — Hank says media is about enjoying being human, and loving a story told by a good storyteller is probably something he shares with every one of his ancestors. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:37)
2019-12-13 · Is This the Cutest Animal Noise? — The description says prehensile-tailed porcupines live in Central and South American canopies eating fruit and leaves; wild ones stay quiet to avoid notice, and Kemo is apparently more vocal than most captive ones. — hedged: “apparently” [epistemic doubt] (video description)
2019-12-13 · Is This the Cutest Animal Noise? — Hank grants there are cuter animals but doubts there are cuter-sounding ones, and plays Kemosabe's cooing. — hedged: “I don't know if” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:06)

Wish / hope (3)

a wish about the future, not a claim about what is true

2019-03-22 · How to Get a Colonoscopy — Editing on the Friday of his colonoscopy, Hank says the video is at least educational and hopefully leads more people to screen for colon cancer, which is why it runs over four minutes. — hedged: “hopefully” [wish / hope] (00:06:55)
2019-07-12 · Why Are We Still Doing This? - Reunion Video! — Hank hopes to edit a longer version of the video for Hankschannel, as it was very hard to edit down. — hedged: “I hope” [wish / hope] (video description)
2019-10-31 · Book News! — Hank hopes the book will be on shelves within the next 12 months. — hedged: “I hope” [wish / hope] (00:03:30)

Opinion marker (8)

marks a view as the speaker's own; not doubt

2019-01-11 · What is Burnout? — Hank writes that much discussion of burnout concerns people who have opportunity but have long been sold the wrong kind of fuel; he thinks it important to be grateful for opportunities, find good fuel, do good work and work hard. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (video description)
2019-01-11 · What is Burnout? — Hank doesn't love the idea that burnout is a problem of overwork; he thinks it comes more from being overly convinced that work is the most valuable, or only valuable, thing we do. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (video description)
2019-01-11 · What is Burnout? — Hank says this matters especially in our twenties, and thinks American reliance on 'all-capitalism-all-the-time' is a big part of how workers have been exploited and put in unsustainable situations. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (video description)
2019-01-18 · Should You Burn Dirty Fuel? — Hank thinks the most common unhealthy fuel was negative feelings about yourself: fearing being disappointing, which differs from fearing you'll disappoint someone else. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:01:56)
2019-06-21 · How to Lie While Telling the Truth — Hank thinks he will share a little of his next book on the tour. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:03:46)
2019-07-12 · Why Are We Still Doing This? - Reunion Video! — Asked why he stopped making straight-up silly videos, Hank says the rest of the internet got good at being silly but not at being earnest, and he is quite earnest. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:55)
2019-07-26 · The Best $10,000 I Ever Spent — Hank thinks drug companies believe creating more money is the same as creating more value. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:59)
2019-10-31 · Book News! — Hank thinks the cover will be orange. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:31)

Other hedge (6)

a hedge that matches none of the word lists

2019-03-29 · The Largest Theft of All Time — Hank says the Fortaleza heist was, depending on how you count, the largest bank robbery of all time, yet basically nothing next to the largest thefts of all time. — hedged: “depending on how you count” [other hedge] (00:00:31)
2019-05-24 · The Monterey Bay Aquarium Has a Secret — Jellies, older than fish, appear to be taking up the slack, so jellyfish blooms are more common and the intake cylinders must be replaced more often. — hedged: “appear to be” [other hedge] (00:06:14)
2019-06-21 · How to Lie While Telling the Truth — Hank bets Autopilot does prevent crashes to some extent, and later says such safety features (though it should not be called autopilot) will save many lives. — hedged: “I bet” [other hedge] (00:01:43)
2019-08-23 · The Amazon isn't "Burning" - It's Being Burned — Hank says there are natural wildfires in the Amazon in the dry season, now under way, and their number appears to be increasing. — hedged: “appears to be” [other hedge] (00:01:27)
2019-08-30 · The Earth Shouldn't Have Oxygen — Hank says the Amazon rainforest is a sink for something like 90 billion tons of carbon dioxide, a huge service we need. — hedged: “something like” [other hedge] (00:02:51)
2019-09-20 · Why Does Australia... (this video is bad, I'm sorry) — Hank has heard that the film Hustlers is good. — hedged: “I have also heard” [other hedge] (00:02:03)

Hedge words not recorded (7)

marked as unsure, but the hedge words were not quoted

2019-01-11 · What is Burnout? — Hank admits he doesn't know what burnout is: he thought it was working until mind or body collapsed, but he has worked through burnout and been burned out on one part of life but not another. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:00:00)
2019-04-19 · Making your Nothings into Somethings — Hank says he doesn't know how to set up passive somethings; he has had a lot of practice and is still not great at it. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:03:27)
2019-07-05 · You Need to Know About This Ridiculous Fish — Hank guesses the two look alike because they share a low-quality, abundant, slow food source, so the mola mola evolved for efficiency, not speed: such flippers are slow but use little energy. — speculative (hedge words not recorded) (video description)
2019-07-05 · You Need to Know About This Ridiculous Fish — Hank wonders about convergent evolution: turned on its side a mola mola swims much like a sea turtle, as if its odd shape has a good reason. — speculative (hedge words not recorded) (00:01:32)
2019-09-06 · Trump is Abnormal, It's His Superpower — Hank says he doesn't know the way through; he is only describing a situation. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:03:13)
2019-10-31 · Book News! — Asked when the book is out, Hank says he doesn't know: much sooner now the draft is done, but much remains, including many people reading it first. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:00:58)
2019-11-04 · This Cat Makes No Sense — Hank says nobody knows how Pallas's cats ended up with their round pupils. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:00:58)

Satire (3)

a mock position (e.g. a fake moral panic) — the opposite of what is meant

2019-11-29 · My Most Controversial Opinion — Voicing Twitter, Hank says the most-controversial-opinion question is content: an easy format to put your own spin on without coming up with something fresh. (00:00:12)
2019-11-29 · My Most Controversial Opinion — Voicing Twitter, Hank says you're just supposed to say something dumb that everybody will be mad about, to make people mad, because it's engaging. (00:00:30)
2019-11-29 · My Most Controversial Opinion — Voicing Twitter, Hank says the formula is a dumb opinion most people despise while a minority backs you, which keeps the conversation going. (00:00:53)

Fiction (10)

a story or novel read aloud; the words belong to characters

2019-05-03 · What Game of Thrones is Really About — When the story begins, a ten-year summer has made Westeros so prosperous that it has resources left over for armies, backstabbing and war. (00:00:33)
2019-11-06 · Can You Be a Good Person in 2019? — In season three everyone goes to the Bad Place, even rule-following Doug Forcett: the modern world is so messed up you can't live in it without being bad, and no one has earned the Good Place in 521 years. (00:00:29)
2019-12-20 · Reading the First Chapter of A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor — The chapter opens with the narrator announcing a decision to stop lying to the reader. (00:00:35)
2019-12-20 · Reading the First Chapter of A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor — The narrator says there are only three kinds of lie: the kind you don't want to get caught telling, the kind you don't care if you get caught telling, and the kind you can't get caught telling. (00:00:40)
2019-12-20 · Reading the First Chapter of A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor — The second kind is about the lying, not the outcome: repeated, changed and abandoned, it is a tool for weakening reality and so strengthening yourself. (00:01:04)
2019-12-20 · Reading the First Chapter of A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor — The third kind happens when only you know the truth; the narrator has been telling it for years, and it has felt like a kindness. (00:01:27)
2019-12-20 · Reading the First Chapter of A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor — Everyone's picture of reality is incomplete (scientists don't know where most matter is; the narrator doesn't know life in Yemen), but revealing something that would change everyone's story and worsen lives can seem like too much power. (00:01:42)
2019-12-20 · Reading the First Chapter of A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor — Nothing special suits the narrator to make that decision for a whole planet; the only reason is ugly, vulgar luck. (00:02:13)
2019-12-20 · Reading the First Chapter of A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor — Wary of the narrator's own habit of exercising too much power, the narrator will let others tell the story from several perspectives, to share the responsibility. (00:02:26)
2019-12-20 · Reading the First Chapter of A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor — The narrator reveals the lie: doing everything possible to make the reader believe everything is going to be okay. (00:03:13)

Joke (6)

a gag; not a claim

2019-08-20 · Hank and John's Smooth Airport Reunion — Asked why a viewer's cat smells like a diseased goat, Hank advises getting it checked out. (00:03:03)
2019-09-20 · Why Does Australia... (this video is bad, I'm sorry) — Hank searches 'why is Hank Green' and immediately takes it back. (00:03:20)
2019-09-27 · Crisis — Googling for a crisis, Hank finds Chiquita explaining what it is doing about the banana crisis, and declares a crisis of crises. (00:00:20)
2019-11-08 · Trolling Through John's YouTube History...GUESS WHAT I FOUND!? — Hank thanks John for a wonderful Pizzamas and wishes him luck in his new vending machine business. (00:03:45)
2019-11-29 · My Most Controversial Opinion — Hank's controversial opinion is 'butt is legs': butt is butt, but also legs, since your leg bone is in your butt. (00:01:17)
2019-11-29 · My Most Controversial Opinion — When Twitter argues the gut ends in the butthole so butt is torso, Hank replies that butt transitions to butthole as arm transitions to hand. (00:02:11)

Hypothetical (2)

a thought experiment or "what if"

2019-02-01 · We Have Destroyed Copyright Law — Hank's hypothetical: if The Daily Show claims a clip containing public-domain NASA footage, everyone else using that footage gets claimed, since Content ID can't tell the parts apart. (00:04:44)
2019-07-26 · The Best $10,000 I Ever Spent — By prevailing theory, doubling his drug's price so 25% of users can't afford it creates more value because more money is made; Hank says it creates less, serving fewer people. (00:02:17)

Playful (116)

a real point made in a joking way; the paraphrase records the meant core

2019-01-18 · Should You Burn Dirty Fuel? — Hank is in Seattle and very tired; travelling with a two-year-old is, he says sarcastically, very easy. (00:00:00)
2019-01-18 · Should You Burn Dirty Fuel? — Hank says vegetarian sandwiches in Montana are not the saddest thing ever. (00:00:00)
2019-01-18 · Should You Burn Dirty Fuel? — Hank notes that John, off Twitter, probably doesn't know the President of the United States invited a football team to the White House to eat McDonald's. (00:00:00)
2019-01-25 · A Floridian's Guide to Living Someplace Very Very Cold — Hank says the locals' cold-weather secrets weren't secret (everyone said layers), while nobody told him not to touch metal with bare hands because they thought no one would. (00:00:20)
2019-01-25 · A Floridian's Guide to Living Someplace Very Very Cold — Hank recommends a cheap tool he shows, ideally two, since a broken one leaves a $15,000 machine useless for want of a $4 one; avoid the super short ones. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:12)
2019-01-25 · A Floridian's Guide to Living Someplace Very Very Cold — Hank warns, with evident experience, not to leave a gallon of milk in the back of the car. (00:03:30)
2019-02-01 · We Have Destroyed Copyright Law — Hank says piracy was excruciatingly slow before the internet but he did it anyway, recording radio mixtapes and trading fan-subbed anime tapes. (00:00:16)
2019-02-01 · We Have Destroyed Copyright Law — Hank says it is good that safe harbor laws spare YouTube responsibility for creators' dumb decisions, since even trustable creators like John and him can't be trusted not to break the law. (00:06:47)
2019-02-01 · We Have Destroyed Copyright Law — Hank says there are not enough lawyers alive to argue all the fair use cases YouTube has created. (00:08:20)
2019-02-08 · Screwing Up: Two Stories From When I Worked at a TV Station — Hank says his first college summer he worked at Walmart, a weird experience where he made a lot of friends and cleaned up a lot of poop, a story for another day. (00:00:00)
2019-02-08 · Screwing Up: Two Stories From When I Worked at a TV Station — Hank says one lesson was that whatever you know about lighting or screenwriting, you are dirt if you can't properly coil a cable. (00:00:00)
2019-02-08 · Screwing Up: Two Stories From When I Worked at a TV Station — Hank says it was 2000, he was 19 or 20, had poor fashion sense (still does) and wore a lot of thrift store clothes. (00:01:00)
2019-02-15 · The Most Bizarre Stock Photos I Could Find Brought to Life by Your Captions — The description says Hank made the video with many very funny people on Twitter and thanks the 'inspired artists' of istockphoto.com for their 'beautiful pieces of art'. (video description)
2019-02-22 · I Don't Want The Same Things Anymore — Hank says the biggest secret of online video is that no one has any idea what they're doing. (00:00:29)
2019-02-22 · I Don't Want The Same Things Anymore — Hank says other things are on sale, such as the bobbleheads they made too many of, now two dollars plus shipping. (00:02:26)
2019-02-22 · I Don't Want The Same Things Anymore — Hank says the sale is also to get warehouse space: Kanan is mad and wants them to make some. (00:03:25)
2019-03-01 · I Get a Robocall While Making a Video About Robocalls — Hank is visiting his in-laws in Florida, has had five slices of key lime pie in five days, and finds their landline both inefficient and kind of adorable. (00:00:00)
2019-03-01 · I Get a Robocall While Making a Video About Robocalls — While filming, Hank gets a robocall and tells it he is making a video right now. (00:01:27)
2019-03-08 · Does "The Press" Hate YouTube? — Hank says Montana makes national news only when a state senator wanted to legalize drunk driving or someone wanted to sell the state to Canada. (00:01:11)
2019-03-15 · Why We Stopped Making Explainers: EXPLAINED — Hank lists explainer topics: Brazil, Israel and Palestine, Syria (twice), and US subjects: mass incarceration, net neutrality, Benghazi and tax plans. (00:00:00)
2019-03-15 · Why We Stopped Making Explainers: EXPLAINED — Hank says, wryly, that society seems to need highly trained people dedicated only to explaining reality to us. (00:02:44)
2019-03-22 · How to Get a Colonoscopy — Hank says the gut is about 30 feet long and the prep takes about an hour to pass through, which is only 0.0056 miles per hour. (00:05:37)
2019-03-22 · How to Get a Colonoscopy — During his prep Hank did a surprising amount of online shopping and tells Katherine he bought a bunch of shirts, possibly from bad decision-making. — hedged: “which may just be because” [epistemic doubt] (00:06:17)
2019-03-22 · How to Get a Colonoscopy — Hank names his doctor (Aaron Stone, as heard), jokes he could have studied stones, and says they must have used the extra smooth insertion scopes from Olympus. — speculative (hedge words not recorded) (00:06:55)
2019-03-29 · The Largest Theft of All Time — Hank says he meant this to be a fun video, but it took a turn and ended up making him really mad. (00:00:00)
2019-03-29 · The Largest Theft of All Time — The description sardonically says not to worry, there is a minimum wage, 'ish'. (video description)
2019-03-29 · The Largest Theft of All Time — Hank sums up the first defence of wage theft, that minimum wages stop undocumented immigrants and the very poor from getting work at all because the laws are too strict. (video description)
2019-03-29 · The Largest Theft of All Time — Hank says the biggest thefts are not from banks, which are doing just fine, but from people. (00:01:14)
2019-04-05 · TOO MANY MILKS — Hank says 'vacation' is a stretchy word: on vacation we often just do abnormal work, like a wedding with 500 strangers or a day off to buy a car. (00:00:12)
2019-04-05 · TOO MANY MILKS — Hank says he did four April Fools' jokes: DFTBA Brewing is not and never will be a real thing, but its merch is real. (00:01:05)
2019-04-05 · TOO MANY MILKS — Hank says SciShow Pee isn't a real show but is a real YouTube channel that would get a silver play button at 100,000 subscribers; it will never post again, so viewers should just subscribe. (00:01:30)
2019-04-05 · TOO MANY MILKS — Hank says sequels are wild: he recently made up a person for the book, found it didn't work, and got rid of them; deciding who exists is his job. (00:02:58)
2019-04-05 · TOO MANY MILKS — Hank says there are too many milks: his two-and-a-half-year-old son asks for oat milk in his tea. (00:03:17)
2019-04-12 · Escalators: We're Not Doing it Wrong (Mostly) — The description says Hank isn't immune to imagining a narrative, but we don't need people righteously standing on the wrong side of escalators and lecturing commuters about a YouTube video. (video description)
2019-04-12 · Escalators: We're Not Doing it Wrong (Mostly) — Hank says he has worked professionally on the internet since before Millie Bobby Brown existed, so he knows how to turn something interesting into a righteous click. (00:02:18)
2019-04-19 · Making your Nothings into Somethings — Hank says that two days ago, during a father-son bonding moment, his son sneezed into his mouth, and now he has a cold. (00:00:00)
2019-04-19 · Making your Nothings into Somethings — Hank says his brain has tiny chickens in it and he isn't thinking clearly, but John's video made him think and he wants to work through it as a back-and-forth. (00:00:00)
2019-04-19 · Making your Nothings into Somethings — The description says Hank is a habit guy: he has put the seat down every time since his mom asked at 13 and signals in one-way parking garages. (video description)
2019-04-19 · Making your Nothings into Somethings — Hank teases John for assuming he knows an E.E. Cummings poem; he had to hear the line about seven times to grasp it. (00:00:27)
2019-04-19 · Making your Nothings into Somethings — Hank admits his YouTube history is full of Lockpicking Lawyer videos and one of a man carving a pencil from a pencil from a pencil: great, but a passive nothing. (00:03:27)
2019-05-17 · Keanu. — Hank notes John has a thing for Keanu Reeves and will someday make his own Keanu video; this video is only about the one Colbert interview. (00:00:00)
2019-05-31 · Uncomfortable Nuance: Natural Gas Edition — Hank says that with only 240 characters on Twitter you have to be more attention-grabbing, maybe more vulgar and outraged, a topic for another video. — hedged: “one might say maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
2019-06-07 · 8 Things I Wish I Knew When I was Writing my First Novel — Hank thanks John for the years of practice and jokes that his advice to John would be to write a soccer novel. (00:03:29)
2019-06-21 · How to Lie While Telling the Truth — Hank says nobody writes a headline about fewer teenage births because no one cares about good news. (00:01:01)
2019-06-28 · My New Obsession — Hank calls Stentor coeruleus big, beautiful and voracious: the blue whale of pond scum. (00:03:00)
2019-07-05 · You Need to Know About This Ridiculous Fish — Hank says the internet is almost as good at sharing weird animals as at sharing celebrity drama and reality-destroying rage lies. (00:00:13)
2019-07-05 · You Need to Know About This Ridiculous Fish — Sunfish aren't cute, with terrified eyes, open mouths and many parasites, but we have no idea what goes on in them, and Hank wants every mola mola to know he loves it. (00:03:36)
2019-07-12 · Why Are We Still Doing This? - Reunion Video! — Their Lyft driver asked whether they were going to 'that Chuck Green thing'; Hank says he is really honored if people still associate VidCon with 'Chuck Green'. (00:03:18)
2019-07-19 · In Which Hank Consumes the Juice of Over 400 Gushers — Hank describes the gush juice as sweet but first extremely sour and heavy, making his salivary glands release as much saliva as they could. (00:00:59)
2019-07-19 · In Which Hank Consumes the Juice of Over 400 Gushers — Hank says having drunk the gush was worse than drinking it: his stomach was very upset and acidic, and the crash lasted the rest of the day. (00:02:21)
2019-07-26 · The Best $10,000 I Ever Spent — His Honda Civic was rear-ended so hard the other car's airbags went off without a scratch on it, but Hank, who doesn't care much about cars, would be a poor brand ambassador. (00:00:00)
2019-07-26 · The Best $10,000 I Ever Spent — Hank holds up the $1,000 savings bond he got on graduating from college, just for a good thumbnail so people will watch. (00:02:59)
2019-08-02 · The Cutest Octopus — A male Dumbo octopus hands a female a package of sperm, and she waits until she is in a good situation to care for eggs before fertilizing them. (00:02:35)
2019-08-02 · The Cutest Octopus — Hank says Dumbo octopuses are good: cute, strange, mysterious and great at family planning. (00:02:50)
2019-08-03 · I Love John: Esther Day 2019 — Hank jokes that his Saturday video, a day after his octopus video, throws a wrench in the schedule. (00:00:00)
2019-08-09 · Decluttering the Somewhat Embarrassing Nightstand of a 39 Year-Old Best-Selling Author — In the grand tradition of people online assuming others care about their inane details, Hank tours his nightstand, which probably says more about him than any home tour or drugstore haul video. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
2019-08-09 · Decluttering the Somewhat Embarrassing Nightstand of a 39 Year-Old Best-Selling Author — Hank used to keep his iPad on the nightstand to look at tweets, but must hide it since his son turned two and screams for 15 minutes whenever he sees an iPad. (00:00:00)
2019-08-09 · Decluttering the Somewhat Embarrassing Nightstand of a 39 Year-Old Best-Selling Author — Hank, a 39-year-old man, cannot bring himself to throw away a battery-less fart noise machine. (00:01:18)
2019-08-09 · Decluttering the Somewhat Embarrassing Nightstand of a 39 Year-Old Best-Selling Author — Hank threw two of the most complex and astounding objects ever created by humans into the drawer rather than spend 20 minutes finding them new homes, and calls himself a terrible person. (00:01:48)
2019-08-09 · Decluttering the Somewhat Embarrassing Nightstand of a 39 Year-Old Best-Selling Author — Hank keeps all his enamel pins in a Snitch Witches box and recommends everyone have one. (00:01:48)
2019-08-09 · Decluttering the Somewhat Embarrassing Nightstand of a 39 Year-Old Best-Selling Author — Hank holds up a piece of useless metal (unnamed, apparently a penny) that he says his government is too busy being terrible to get rid of. (00:02:43)
2019-08-09 · Decluttering the Somewhat Embarrassing Nightstand of a 39 Year-Old Best-Selling Author — Hank tallies the drawer: 22 business cards and a business postcard, two flash drives, eight writing utensils, 17 stickers, so many cables, $1.60 and about $1,200 of electronics. (00:02:43)
2019-08-16 · ...Not My Proudest Moment — The description says Hank can't believe he hadn't told this story yet, maybe because of all the shame. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (video description)
2019-08-20 · Hank and John's Smooth Airport Reunion — Hank would write a novel with John: it would have great spaceships and great love stories. (00:01:41)
2019-08-20 · Hank and John's Smooth Airport Reunion — A texted 'million dollar idea' is offered free to the world: a novel made of a single 52,000-word YouTube comment. (00:02:04)
2019-08-30 · The Earth Shouldn't Have Oxygen — Hank complains, as one of his science-communicator beefs, that no collective word covers respiration and combustion except 'oxidation', which is too broad. (00:01:14)
2019-09-13 · You Need to Know About This Caterpillar — Hank says moths have a branding problem: 'butterfly' is a beautiful word, while 'moth' is a name we're stuck with. (00:00:28)
2019-09-13 · You Need to Know About This Caterpillar — Hank says most people, like predators, find the caterpillars not worth the risk though they are harmless, and asks people to be nice: they are a marvel, if a little terrifying. (00:03:12)
2019-09-20 · Why Does Australia... (this video is bad, I'm sorry) — Hank claims the vlogbrothers pioneered the Google-autocomplete video format, which everybody then stole, though he says he is not bitter. (00:00:27)
2019-09-20 · Why Does Australia... (this video is bad, I'm sorry) — Hank modifies the bit: he types 'why is Australia' into Twitter search and answers what comes up. (00:00:45)
2019-09-20 · Why Does Australia... (this video is bad, I'm sorry) — A tweet asks why Australia is performing, which Hank believes is about Eurovision; he wonders when Australia joined Europe and quips that Europe is just an idea. — hedged: “I believe” [opinion marker] (00:00:55)
2019-09-20 · Why Does Australia... (this video is bad, I'm sorry) — Hank says he is not a geologist, but geologists exist and viewers should ask one. (00:01:45)
2019-09-20 · Why Does Australia... (this video is bad, I'm sorry) — Answering Sigrid's question about Australia's obsession with fairies, Hank lists fairy floss, fairy bread, fairy penguins, fairy lights, and 'the fairies', which he assumes are boats. (00:02:15)
2019-09-20 · Why Does Australia... (this video is bad, I'm sorry) — Hank discovers The Fairies, an Australian children's franchise, and mocks its YouTube description calling it both international and unique. (00:02:58)
2019-09-27 · Crisis — Hank lists the crises on offer: constitutional crises a couple of times a week, housing, existential always, and climate, where scientists would like people to panic. (00:00:00)
2019-09-27 · Crisis — Hank says he and John are proper middle-aged men and should know how to deal with this. (00:00:30)
2019-09-27 · Crisis — Hank's first strategy is avoidance: listen to 'Shaky Shaky' by Daddy Yankee, or find solace in YouTube videos, poetry videos, potato plants, a friend or a dog. — hedged: “might” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:40)
2019-09-27 · Crisis — Hank says yes, he is writing a book about this right now, so he thinks about it a lot. (00:01:45)
2019-09-27 · Crisis — Hank is very tired and 'Australia hungover': he jokes about too many VBs, then says he just didn't sleep enough. (00:01:50)
2019-09-27 · Crisis — Grabbing every tweet the moment it comes out is like stuffing peanut M&Ms in your mouth: four is not better than two, and 17 is unhealthy, messy and not enjoyable. (00:02:05)
2019-10-04 · In Defense of Bad Flags — Hank says Montanans identify instead by their single statewide area code, 406, which everybody loves, and by the old license plate design, which is quite good. (00:00:29)
2019-10-04 · In Defense of Bad Flags — Since the TED talk an alternative flag has arisen among a certain kind of Milwaukeean, the kind who watches TED Talks. (00:00:58)
2019-10-11 · Your Life Will be Better After you Know About Frogmouths — Hank announces the Pizza John Halloween mask, sold before Pizzamas because it is needed before then, at DFTBA: the worst thing they've ever done, and he loves it. (00:03:22)
2019-10-11 · Your Life Will be Better After you Know About Frogmouths — Hank says Orin saw the Pizza John product and said it brings them the pizza. (00:03:22)
2019-10-25 · Unscripted and Unhinged — Hank says he usually writes a script, but this video has none: the document just says 'good morning, John'. (00:00:00)
2019-10-25 · Unscripted and Unhinged — Hank says financial advisors don't love this reasoning because it makes them no money, and there are no highly paid charity donation advisors. (00:02:11)
2019-10-29 · The Truth about None Pizza with Left Beef — Hank says that in October 2007 a man used Domino's new online ordering, chose no cheese, no sauce and normal beef on the left, and Domino's cooked a crust with beef balls. (00:00:22)
2019-10-29 · The Truth about None Pizza with Left Beef — Hank says a reblog predicted laughing about it 10 years later; 12 years on he is still laughing. (00:01:26)
2019-10-29 · The Truth about None Pizza with Left Beef — Hank cannot go outside to do a Pizzamas dance because of a blizzard, and forgot his maybe-favorite shirt at home. (00:02:19)
2019-10-29 · The Truth about None Pizza with Left Beef — Hank says we will never again live without none pizza with left beef, and he will always have neurons dedicated to it. (00:02:19)
2019-10-31 · Book News! — Asked about McElroy references, Hank says probably, and maybe he'll add one for the asker. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:48)
2019-10-31 · Book News! — Hank says there are a lot of Keanu references, and a Despacito question makes him want to add Despacito. (00:01:48)
2019-11-06 · Can You Be a Good Person in 2019? — Unlike Jason's friend Big Noodle, Hank says, he has time to work out whether oat milk is better for the world than almond milk, and it is. (00:01:40)
2019-11-08 · Trolling Through John's YouTube History...GUESS WHAT I FOUND!? — Hank recaps this Pizzamas: Left Beef, Good Cats, the Let It Snow premiere, and John going to people's houses. (00:00:12)
2019-11-08 · Trolling Through John's YouTube History...GUESS WHAT I FOUND!? — Hank says everyone is sometimes confused by the YouTube algorithm; with a shared account he can't tell when YouTube is being weird versus when his brother is, as with sudden vending machine business recommendations. (00:00:35)
2019-11-08 · Trolling Through John's YouTube History...GUESS WHAT I FOUND!? — Expecting that John has been watching vending machine videos, Hank looks through the vlogbrothers channel's YouTube history for the last couple of weeks. (00:00:58)
2019-11-08 · Trolling Through John's YouTube History...GUESS WHAT I FOUND!? — John's history shows him watching his own Vice Sports special ('not embarrassing at all') and a lot of Tetris and Football Manager videos. (00:01:20)
2019-11-08 · Trolling Through John's YouTube History...GUESS WHAT I FOUND!? — Hank finds a Bob Ross-like yellow-paint piece, a couple's channel he doesn't know, sailing videos though John dislikes water, and several Auld Lang Syne performances he guesses are research. — speculative (hedge words not recorded) (00:01:36)
2019-11-08 · Trolling Through John's YouTube History...GUESS WHAT I FOUND!? — As Hank suspected, John watched many vending machine business videos, 15 to 20 minutes long and all watched to the end, plus one on what a laundromat costs to run. (00:01:58)
2019-11-08 · Trolling Through John's YouTube History...GUESS WHAT I FOUND!? — Seeing a vending machine video with 1.3 million views, Hank says YouTube is so weird now. (00:02:16)
2019-11-08 · Trolling Through John's YouTube History...GUESS WHAT I FOUND!? — The history also has MinutePhysics, football, Rick and Morty, Good Place videos (Hank's), Jürgen Klopp, and a Harvard advanced algorithms lecture. (00:02:30)
2019-11-08 · Trolling Through John's YouTube History...GUESS WHAT I FOUND!? — Hank watched The Adventure Zone season 3 trailer twice; John watched Safiya Nygaard choosing her wedding dress and a Mike Tyson hoverboard fail. (00:02:55)
2019-11-08 · Trolling Through John's YouTube History...GUESS WHAT I FOUND!? — Of the pineapple and no-pineapple items, pineapple is winning so far, perhaps because no-pineapple people don't much care. (00:03:20)
2019-11-15 · Are audiobooks worse? — Hank finds it annoying that YouTube won't let them add an on-screen link unless they also link to a video. (00:03:44)
2019-11-22 · I'm Just Really Mad About Heteronyms… — The description says it's neat to have so many words for words, but you'd think linguists in charge would do a better job. (video description)
2019-11-22 · I'm Just Really Mad About Heteronyms… — Hank argues the 'just' in the idiom is redundant, since every desert is by definition what you deserve. (00:01:14)
2019-11-22 · I'm Just Really Mad About Heteronyms… — Hank fumes that words spelled alike but sounding different are not called heterophones, the name the system of prefixes and suffixes would give them. (00:03:14)
2019-11-22 · I'm Just Really Mad About Heteronyms… — Hank says figuring all this out took half an hour of his life. (00:03:14)
2019-11-29 · My Most Controversial Opinion — When Twitter yells at him for the controversial opinion it asked for, Hank tells Twitter this is the world we have chosen for ourselves. (00:02:36)
2019-11-29 · My Most Controversial Opinion — Because they made a Pizza John bandana this year (2019), DFTBA is now also doing a 'Hank-erchief'; Hank doesn't expect to sell many but they had to make the joke. (00:03:38)
2019-12-06 · It is Much Easier to Destroy than Create — A jigsaw puzzle has none of that: Hank can't think of anything with less impact on the world than reassembling a wintertime scene. (00:00:27)
2019-12-13 · Is This the Cutest Animal Noise? — Replying in a channel comment to a viewer who felt the video was setting up a longer lesson, Hank says this is life under the four-minute rule. (creator comment)
2019-12-13 · Is This the Cutest Animal Noise? — Hank says Kemosabe, an Animal Wonders porcupine, inspired the idea: years ago it visited Hank on SciShow and he freaked out, joking it would seem normal for it to step out of a spaceship. (00:00:10)
2019-12-13 · Is This the Cutest Animal Noise? — Hank says both are called porcupines because the name means 'spine pig' (pork plus spine): they are thorn pigs. (00:02:36)
2019-12-13 · Is This the Cutest Animal Noise? — Hank praises Animal Wonders' work, people and videos, admitting he is biased because his company produces them. (00:03:29)
2019-12-27 · Why I'm Worried about 2020 — Hank recalls, with disgust, that he had a Motorola Droid in 2009. (00:00:33)

Other voices

58 statements · sincere 81% · playful 19% · other bits 0% · hedged or unsure 0%

Playful (11)

a real point made in a joking way; the paraphrase records the meant core

2019-06-18 · Question Tuesday with Miles and the Colonel: Manolo! — a guest: A guest says John is way funnier than people think, has more 'drip' than you'd expect, knows all the new music and is very hip. (00:00:00)
2019-06-18 · Question Tuesday with Miles and the Colonel: Manolo! — Denny Love: Asked what name he would pick the way Alaska picks hers, Denny Love chooses Manolo, his name in Spanish class, which he thinks means the romantic one; Charlie was Pierre in French. (00:01:12)
2019-07-23 · What to Love and How — Alice Green: Asked by John, Alice says she is six and that Liverpool has won the European Championship six times. (00:03:51)
2019-08-20 · Hank and John's Smooth Airport Reunion — both: Asked their Patronus, the brothers name a tiny, new baby bear cub that sometimes falls over and a very old fox. (00:02:34)
2019-10-08 · Looking for Alaska (...with Alaska) — a guest: Asked if they know how John feels about Keanu Reeves, a guest answers that John Green loves Keanu Reeves. (00:01:27)
2019-11-05 · Letting It Snow with Kiernan Shipka, Shameik Moore, Anna Akana, and Blogbrother John Green — a guest: Asked how many marshmallows are optimal in hot chocolate, a cast member makes a top layer, eats it, then adds another. (00:01:00)
2019-11-05 · Letting It Snow with Kiernan Shipka, Shameik Moore, Anna Akana, and Blogbrother John Green — a guest: Asked when to start decorating, a cast member stays on the fence: those who start right after Halloween and those after Thanksgiving are all good people. (00:01:49)
2019-11-05 · Letting It Snow with Kiernan Shipka, Shameik Moore, Anna Akana, and Blogbrother John Green — a guest: Asked for a favourite gas station snack, a cast member jokes Australia has no gas stations, then names honey soy chicken chips. (00:02:53)
2019-11-05 · Letting It Snow with Kiernan Shipka, Shameik Moore, Anna Akana, and Blogbrother John Green — a guest: Asked where to watch Let It Snow, the cast says November 8 and, they add, from then in perpetuity. (00:03:23)
2019-12-31 · Project for Awesome 2019 Recap (BUTT IS LEGS) — a guest: A livestream voice opens the 13th annual Project for Awesome, noting the P4A is now a teenager. (00:00:00)
2019-12-31 · Project for Awesome 2019 Recap (BUTT IS LEGS) — a guest: In the livestream's 'butt is legs' debate, participants argue the butt is the top or what happens above the legs, and one rules that medically and anatomically butt is legs. (00:00:32)