Register 2009: hedges and bits

Statements from 2009 that are not plain sincere assertions: sincere claims the speaker hedged or marked as uncertain (with the hedge words quoted), and statements made as a bit. Plain sincere, unhedged statements are on the video pages. Back to the overview.

John

1065 statements · sincere 70% · playful 28% · other bits 3% · hedged or unsure 11%

Sincere but hedged (91)

Split by hedge type (derived from the quoted hedge words with a fixed word list — see the overview): epistemic doubt 33 · wish / hope 8 · opinion marker 24 · other hedge 20 · hedge words not recorded 6.

Epistemic doubt (33)

real uncertainty about whether it is true

• 2009-01-13 · Beanie John's Love Advice — John thinks the journal was an assignment for a composition class, so it is mostly song lyrics copied to fill space, such as Ice Ice Baby. — hedged: “I'm pretty sure” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:29)
• 2009-01-18 · PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA Inaugurated: Some Historical Background — John says inaugural addresses matter but are usually boring, and suspects Obama's will be boring too despite his skill as a speechwriter. — hedged: “I suspect” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:12)
• 2009-01-27 · Before Looking for Alaska… — John says the Nerdfighter Ning has suffered from neglect, so much that many viewers probably don't know what it is. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:58)
• 2009-02-10 · Paper Towns Tastic Question Tuesday — John does not know whether Paper Towns will be a movie; he is writing the screenplay, so it is up to him whether it is good enough. — hedged: “I guess” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:46)
• 2009-02-10 · Paper Towns Tastic Question Tuesday — On colours: the book has much Moby-Dick in it (white imagery, Black Santas, Margo's middle name meaning red); like Melville, John wanted to subvert white as a symbol of purity and put Margo outside the good/evil dichotomy. — hedged: “kind of” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:51)
• 2009-02-10 · Paper Towns Tastic Question Tuesday — The paperback will probably not have either current cover, so John tells viewers who want these covers to get them now. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:36)
• 2009-02-15 · Stimulus Plan Explained — John calls Keynes probably the most important 20th-century economist, who explained that a massive stimulus, such as World War II, could have ended the Great Depression. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:19)
• 2009-03-08 · PEEPS for Bangladesh — John says he has work to do on his 'caveman brain' about people he doesn't physically know, and suggests maybe using people you know to connect you to strangers, like poor people in Bangladesh. — hedged: “it occurs to me that maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:15)
• 2009-03-15 · Lighting a candle for Rwanda — John says it seems valuable, 15 years later, to tell Rwandans 'you are not them, you are us', acknowledging their loss and sharing hope for their country's future. — hedged: “it seems to me” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:23)
• 2009-04-21 · Question Tuesday — Paper Towns may become a movie: the people who made Juno optioned the rights with John writing the screenplay, which he is working on now. — hedged: “Yeah, maybe.” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:04)
• 2009-05-03 · Important (Temporary) Video — John suggests Nerdfighters get Hank something: buy his CD, bake him a Hank cake, or wish him happy birthday on YouTube. — hedged: “Maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:29)
• 2009-05-04 · Oinkbarf Pandemic! An Intellectual Response to Swine Flu — John says it now appears people may have overreacted: swine flu kills closer to 1% of victims, and people generally rather than only those 25 to 45. — hedged: “may have been” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:52)
• 2009-06-07 · I Will Call Him Louis: Australia Rocks! — John says the sandwich is winning the vote, so Hank will likely see him eat a fat sandwich on Tuesday. — hedged: “it seems likely” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:46)
• 2009-06-14 · Iran Election Fraud: 5 Reasons to Doubt the Results — John reports that dozens of moderate clerics and reformist political leaders in Tehran and across Iran have been arrested; Mousavi is apparently not under house arrest but is 'being closely monitored by police', which John says sure seems like house arrest. — hedged: “apparently” [epistemic doubt] (video description)
• 2009-06-14 · Iran Election Fraud: 5 Reasons to Doubt the Results — John adds that there seems to be significant violence at universities around Iran, with hundreds of arrests and reports of tear gas in the dorms. — hedged: “seems” [epistemic doubt] (video description)
• 2009-06-14 · Iran Election Fraud: 5 Reasons to Doubt the Results — John maintains that Ahmadinejad, and possibly Supreme Leader Ayatollah (Khamenei), stole the election. — hedged: “possibly” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:29)
• 2009-06-14 · Iran Election Fraud: 5 Reasons to Doubt the Results — Reason one: Tabriz, Mousavi's home city, historically votes for him or his ethnic group's candidate, yet apparently voted 2 to 1 for Ahmadinejad - like John McCain winning Chicago. — hedged: “apparently” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:48)
• 2009-07-05 · Sarah Palin Resigning! Four Possible Reasons Why — John finds it more likely that Palin quit to make money. — hedged: “seems more likely to me” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:44)
• 2009-07-12 · On Iran, Islam, and Amazingly Stupid Comments — John says he is a Christian but theologically probably has more in common with some liberal Muslims than with some conservative Christians. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:26)
• 2009-07-14 · Sell Outs! — John says YouTube can't survive without advertising, and as vlogging becomes more their job neither can they, since he assumes no one wants to pay for Vlogbrothers videos. — hedged: “I assume” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:37)
• 2009-08-10 · HipPOTATOmus — John calls cooking school amazing, delicious and sort of life-changing. — hedged: “sort of” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:23)
• 2009-08-16 · Health Care Overhaul Summarized Via MASSIVE PIG — John says the 'keep feeding the pig' camp opposes an overhaul; many are happy with their healthcare, and he thinks they don't want to pay for people's stupid decisions. — hedged: “I think they probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:25)
• 2009-08-30 · 100 QUESTIONS ANSWERED!!!!!!! — Asked whether he will write a sequel to Looking for Alaska, John answers probably not. — hedged: “Probably not” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:15)
• 2009-09-04 · Health Care Reform Thought Bubble — John says the 'keep feeding the pig' camp opposes an overhaul; many are happy with their healthcare and, he thinks, don't want to pay for others' stupid decisions. — hedged: “I think they probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:00)
• 2009-09-12 · Special Friday Video! (On Saturday) — If Kristina reaches Antarctica, John says, there could be videotaped Nerdfighter happy dances on all seven continents. — hedged: “could potentially” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:36)
• 2009-09-13 · Sex, Sports, and Caster Semenya — John says it is widely reported Semenya may have an intersex condition, androgen insensitivity syndrome, which he describes as being chromosomally a woman with small undescended testes. — hedged: “may have” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
• 2009-09-13 · Sex, Sports, and Caster Semenya — John says those who failed are the sport's administrators, who should have decided in advance whether Semenya was eligible; sports must live with dumb, arbitrary but unambiguous rules. — hedged: “it seems to me” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:15)
• 2009-09-22 · Paper Towns in Paperback: A How-to Guide — John suggests writing a Nerdfighter note, a note slipped into copies of his books telling readers they may be a nerdfighter and pointing to nerdfighters.com. — hedged: “you might want to” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:45)
• 2009-09-27 · TV For Chickens — John suggests that if chickens need TV to avoid killing each other, maybe he shouldn't eat so many eggs, but calls that response inadequately complex. — hedged: “Maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:38)
• 2009-10-25 · Fame: The Road Trip — John proposes that reality-show stars don't live on after death: Lauren Conrad is likely to be remembered less than a high school English teacher. — hedged: “likely” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:08)
• 2009-11-08 · H1N1 Vaccine Fears — John suggests Jennings may have recovered because her initial diagnosis noted a probably significant psychogenic component, sarcastically offering her pee-injecting doctor as the other explanation. — hedged: “Maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:18)
• 2009-12-15 · In Which A Secret Is Revealed — To a viewer whose crush asks her advice on asking out another girl, John suspects he actually likes her: boys commonly use this 'colossally stupid' strategy. — hedged: “I might be wrong about this” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:52)
• 2009-12-29 · Adorable Puppy Explains Health Care Bill — John says covering more uninsured adults will also cover more uninsured children, and the bill will likely let people stay on their parents' insurance until about 27. — hedged: “likely” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:41)

Wish / hope (8)

a wish about the future, not a claim about what is true

• 2009-04-21 · Question Tuesday — Asked whether Hank will make a second CD, John says he hopes so. — hedged: “I hope so” [wish / hope] (00:02:04)
• 2009-05-04 · Oinkbarf Pandemic! An Intellectual Response to Swine Flu — John reminds Hank his birthday is Tuesday, says he'll get him a little something, and hopes Nerdfighters will make videos too. — hedged: “Hopefully” [wish / hope] (00:00:46)
• 2009-06-29 · GAY is NOT an INSULT — John hopes Hank is having fun with their parents and Katherine. — hedged: “I hope” [wish / hope] (00:03:08)
• 2009-09-08 · My Puppy's SECRET SHAME (and Paper Towns) — John asks fans to be patient about the movie and hopes to have more of an update soon. — hedged: “hopefully” [wish / hope] (00:02:08)
• 2009-10-06 · Victoria Beckham In Your Pants — John hopes to see many Nerdfighters in Chicago and Indianapolis, promising presents and lots of hilarity. — hedged: “I hope” [wish / hope] (00:02:29)
• 2009-10-18 · The Balloon Boy Hoax — John films from a room that will hopefully someday be his bathroom but is still another uninhabitable room in his house. — hedged: “hopefully” [wish / hope] (00:00:00)
• 2009-12-06 · LOSERS!!!! — John hopes Nerdfighteria gets to do something like this again, saying it was a real pleasure to share the day with them. — hedged: “I hope” [wish / hope] (00:01:25)
• 2009-12-20 · Awesome Project Is Awesome — Having brought attention to organizations that decrease world suck, John hopes viewers will join him in donating to some favourites; he is still choosing where his $1,000 goes. — hedged: “I hope” [wish / hope] (00:01:51)

Opinion marker (24)

marks a view as the speaker's own; not doubt

• 2009-01-04 · Israel. Gaza. PUPPY! — John thinks removing Hamas from power, as Israel wants, is a great idea, but notes most analysts expect the invasion to strengthen Hamas. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:29)
• 2009-01-27 · Before Looking for Alaska… — John concludes that the brothers cannot run the Ning by themselves. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:05)
• 2009-02-10 · Paper Towns Tastic Question Tuesday — Q is not really based on John's high-school self; he thinks they share nothing except being tall and vaguely nerdy. — hedged: “I don't think” [opinion marker] (00:01:51)
• 2009-02-10 · Paper Towns Tastic Question Tuesday — The book is about how we misimagine other people and our stories; Radar's parents own the world's largest Black Santa collection because John finds it funny and it asks us to imagine the world more complexly. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:36)
• 2009-04-25 · Saturday Video?!?!?! — John doubts happy dances can be copyrighted and gives a viewer permission to teach his happy dance in her aerobics class. — hedged: “I don't think” [opinion marker] (00:02:03)
• 2009-05-03 · Important (Temporary) Video — John says he is getting Hank something he thinks is pretty nice. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:29)
• 2009-05-04 · Oinkbarf Pandemic! An Intellectual Response to Swine Flu — John is somewhat terrified of new and strange diseases, he thinks because of an easy-seeming college science class, 'AIDS, Ebola, and Emerging Viruses', unsuitable for hypochondriacs. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:58)
• 2009-05-04 · Oinkbarf Pandemic! An Intellectual Response to Swine Flu — John thinks pandemics make us afraid not of death but of oblivion, forcing us to grapple with the futility of effort. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:03:02)
• 2009-06-14 · Iran Election Fraud: 5 Reasons to Doubt the Results — John sets out to give five reasons why he thinks Iran's presidential election was fraudulent. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:01)
• 2009-07-05 · Sarah Palin Resigning! Four Possible Reasons Why — John guesses the cause is reason four, an unannounced brewing scandal, adding that he has been wrong before and would happily admit it. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:03:12)
• 2009-07-14 · Sell Outs! — John doesn't think making an awesome CD you work hard on, as Hank did, and telling people they can buy it is selling out, nor sharing his books, any more than Derek Jeter hitting hard. — hedged: “I don't think” [opinion marker] (00:01:30)
• 2009-07-14 · Sell Outs! — John thinks it would be selling out to tell or imply that people couldn't be Nerdfighters unless they bought the brothers' stuff. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:07)
• 2009-08-10 · HipPOTATOmus — John thinks they should get the Nerdfighters something and asks Nerdfighters what they want. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:00)
• 2009-08-16 · Health Care Overhaul Summarized Via MASSIVE PIG — John asks whether healthcare is a privilege or a right: if a privilege, the uninsured who can't pay should go untreated; he thinks we treat them because we believe it is a right. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:03:20)
• 2009-09-04 · Health Care Reform Thought Bubble — John asks whether healthcare is a privilege or a right: if a privilege, the uninsured who can't pay should go untreated; he thinks we treat them because we believe it is a right. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:57)
• 2009-09-12 · Special Friday Video! (On Saturday) — John thinks we all deeply want to believe the lie that evil is outside of us, which is why we watch these shows again and again. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:01:07)
• 2009-09-12 · Special Friday Video! (On Saturday) — John adds that our brains like stories that make sense, and a key difference between real-life and TV stories is that TV stories make sense. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:01:36)
• 2009-10-18 · The Balloon Boy Hoax — John says he isn't casting aspersions: he thinks everyone struggles with wanting attention, including him, but he doesn't get it. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:03:31)
• 2009-10-25 · Fame: The Road Trip — John thinks we are genetically coded to seek respect, not from everyone but from the people whom we respect. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:36)
• 2009-11-15 · Gus Is A Bug — Even without a copy, John proposes Nerdfighters remake the book: draw pictures for the text he reads and upload them to the Ning so he can reconstitute his childhood experience. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:01:40)
• 2009-11-17 · Question Tuesday: The Free Money Edition — For 48 hours after upload (until 19 November 2009), John will pay $2 toward Hank's CD for buyers using the DFTBA.com/John link, so it costs $13; he plans to pay Hank in $2 bills. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:01:34)
• 2009-11-17 · Question Tuesday: The Free Money Edition — Asked for coming-out tips, John advises honesty and says the hard part is not saying 'I'm gay' but being understanding of however parents respond. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:33)
• 2009-11-29 · John Reviews Twilight and New Moon — John thinks Edward and Bella's relationship dynamics are troubling and that obsession shouldn't be conflated with love, though everyone romanticises those they adore, especially in high school. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:18)
• 2009-11-29 · John Reviews Twilight and New Moon — John thinks whether Harry Potter or Twilight is better is "a question wrongly asked", as the series pursue different goals and readers can read broadly enough for both and more. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:48)

Other hedge (20)

a hedge that matches none of the word lists

• 2009-01-04 · Israel. Gaza. PUPPY! — Because the Israeli army invaded the Gaza Strip last night, John feels he has to discuss it on Newsday although it makes him miserable, and shows puppy footage to counter that. — hedged: “I suppose” [other hedge] (00:00:02)
• 2009-02-08 · All Aboard the Fail Boat — John guesses Williamson will say there was a Holocaust and apologise so he can be a bishop, and says rehabilitating him would be an error. — hedged: “my guess is” [other hedge] (00:01:10)
• 2009-02-15 · Stimulus Plan Explained — John says the stimulus may or may not work, and he thinks the US is in for a 'crap storm' no matter what. — hedged: “I happen to think” [other hedge] (00:03:21)
• 2009-03-10 · How to Get Girls to Like You — John theorises girls (not named Bella) have a warning system against obsessive guys, which is helpful because no girl or other person will ever fill the holes inside you. — hedged: “I have this theory” [other hedge] (00:01:52)
• 2009-04-14 · The World's Largest Balls — John says that, to his knowledge, all of the world's largest balls are located in the United States. — hedged: “to my knowledge” [other hedge] (00:00:00)
• 2009-05-04 · Oinkbarf Pandemic! An Intellectual Response to Swine Flu — John suspects pandemic fear goes deeper: pandemics make us think that everyone will die and that one day no humans will be left to remember there were humans. — hedged: “my suspicion is” [other hedge] (00:02:21)
• 2009-05-05 · HANKO DE MAYO! Happy Birthday Hank! — John says he is in the process of getting the actual Rock-afire Explosion to record Hank's song Book 8, his 'real present', if all goes to plan. — hedged: “If all goes according to plan” [other hedge] (00:01:29)
• 2009-06-14 · Iran Election Fraud: 5 Reasons to Doubt the Results — Reason four: the interior ministry announced results within about two hours, counting about ten million more ballots thirty times faster than ever before. — hedged: “like” [other hedge] (00:02:44)
• 2009-06-14 · Iran Election Fraud: 5 Reasons to Doubt the Results — Reason five, 'the possible acknowledgment': people inside Mousavi's campaign report the interior ministry told Mousavi he had won shortly before announcing on TV that he had lost. — hedged: “possible acknowledgment” [other hedge] (00:03:14)
• 2009-08-10 · HipPOTATOmus — On the way home they saw the ocean, which John says he could almost set a novel at. — hedged: “almost” [other hedge] (00:01:15)
• 2009-08-11 · The Island of Nerdfighteria? — John says he is going to do his level best to be in the UK in May of next year (2010). — hedged: “do my level best” [other hedge] (00:01:01)
• 2009-08-16 · Health Care Overhaul Summarized Via MASSIVE PIG — John argues that the inefficiency of this socialized medicine is what makes US healthcare more expensive than anywhere else in the world. — hedged: “I would argue” [other hedge] (00:03:13)
• 2009-08-30 · 100 QUESTIONS ANSWERED!!!!!!! — Asked whether Paper Towns will be published in France, John answers in French that he thinks so. — hedged: “Je pense que oui” [other hedge] (00:00:22)
• 2009-09-04 · Health Care Reform Thought Bubble — John argues the inefficiency of this socialized medicine is what makes US healthcare so much more expensive than anywhere else in the world. — hedged: “I would argue” [other hedge] (00:02:24)
• 2009-10-11 · Puppy Elephant Defends Capitalism — John says he thinks the free market is in many ways a great thing. — hedged: “I happen to think” [other hedge] (00:00:50)
• 2009-11-01 · NaNoWriMo!!! — John tells Hank he is seriously going to try to write 50,000 words of a story over the next month. — hedged: “going to try” [other hedge] (00:02:45)
• 2009-11-29 · John Reviews Twilight and New Moon — John saw the New Moon film and found it kind of stupid, but it reminded him what he likes about Twilight: fun, escape from the world's pain, and the argument that true love triumphs, true or not. — hedged: “to be honest I thought” [other hedge] (00:02:18)
• 2009-12-15 · In Which A Secret Is Revealed — John says making the shared thumbnail your video's thumbnail is hard; they think they've cracked YouTube's algorithm, but a P4A video can be great without it. — hedged: “We think” [other hedge] (00:02:16)
• 2009-12-29 · Adorable Puppy Explains Health Care Bill — John says premiums for healthy, relatively young men like him might go up, though that may be offset by an overall decrease in health-care costs from the subsidized insurance pool. — hedged: “it's possible” [other hedge] (00:00:58)
• 2009-12-29 · Adorable Puppy Explains Health Care Bill — John says he will try to answer further questions about the bill in the comments. — hedged: “I'll try” [other hedge] (00:03:38)

Hedge words not recorded (6)

marked as unsure, but the hedge words were not quoted

• 2009-06-14 · Iran Election Fraud: 5 Reasons to Doubt the Results — John says the whole story is not yet known and it is possible the elections were somehow not rigged. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:03:28)
• 2009-07-22 · Truth or Fail with John! Famous Authors Edition — Purported fact one, posed as one of two options: the playwright Tennessee Williams choked to death on a bottle cap. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:00:00)
• 2009-07-22 · Truth or Fail with John! Famous Authors Edition — Purported fact two, posed as the alternative: the poet Edna St. Vincent Millay died a virgin. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:00:00)
• 2009-08-21 · Truth or Fail: John Green Books — Purported fact one, posed as one of two options: American Civil War general John Sedgwick's last words were 'they couldn't hit an elephant at this dist(ance)'. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:00:29)
• 2009-08-21 · Truth or Fail: John Green Books — Purported fact two, posed as the alternative: American poet Emily Dickinson's last words were 'Doctor, do you think it was the sausage?' — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:00:29)
• 2009-12-01 · Shaving for Pakistan — John says the world wants to help Pakistan but doesn't know where to start (education, infrastructure or corruption); everyone is paralyzed while the Pakistani Taliban kill moderate leaders. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:02:45)

Satire (1)

a mock position (e.g. a fake moral panic) — the opposite of what is meant

• 2009-04-05 · The EVIL BABY ORPHANAGE Returns for North Korea — Via an imagined letter from China, John mocks North Korea's totalitarianism, cult of personality, refusal to let people leave and killing of political enemies. (00:01:56)

Fiction (1)

a story or novel read aloud; the words belong to characters

• 2009-01-27 · Before Looking for Alaska… — In the childhood book, each family member makes a New Year's resolution: Mom to clean the drawers, Dad to weigh under 600 pounds, Hank to bathe, John to try his hardest; only John's comes true. (00:00:21)

Joke (21)

a gag; not a claim

• 2009-02-01 · Super Bowl Analysis from an Idiot — John says if the Cardinals lose Super Bowl 43 they need a more awesome mascot and suggests ninjas (with the Ask a Ninja guy), the Arizona Mother-in-laws, and the Arizona Herpes. (00:01:09)
• 2009-02-01 · Super Bowl Analysis from an Idiot — John calls Daniel Biss, 'Brotherhood 2.0 resident mathematician and linguist', about the plural of herpes, concluding the singular would be 'herpum' (the Arizona Herpums). (00:01:38)
• 2009-03-10 · How to Get Girls to Like You — Asked how to get nerd girls to like you, John jokes that girls love his puppy Willy, so his first advice is to become a puppy (or a kitten or sneezy panda). (00:01:18)
• 2009-05-24 · WROCK! — In a mock open letter, John tells the Twilight fandom to call him when it can rock like that. (00:00:50)
• 2009-06-21 · The World Sucks: Help it Suck Less — John mockingly insists the charity pitch needs viral-video gimmicks - a hamster on a piano eating popcorn, a baby biting a finger, a drugged kid after the dentist. (00:00:03)
• 2009-07-05 · Sarah Palin Resigning! Four Possible Reasons Why — Riffing that Chewbacca is not an average politician either, John decides he wants Chewbacca as president with Han Solo as vice president and translator, and ends 'Chewy for president 2012'. (00:03:12)
• 2009-07-11 · Chewbacca for President! Let the Wookie Win! — John jokingly sets out three main arguments against Chewbacca becoming US president in 2012 and rebuts each. (00:00:00)
• 2009-07-11 · Chewbacca for President! Let the Wookie Win! — Argument one, that the US already has a suitable president, John grants as fair, except that he is not a Wookiee. (00:00:00)
• 2009-07-11 · Chewbacca for President! Let the Wookie Win! — John jokes Chewbacca is ineligible: not natural-born (a galaxy far away), deceased as the 1999 Star Wars novel Vector Prime shows, and fictional. (00:00:45)
• 2009-07-11 · Chewbacca for President! Let the Wookie Win! — John jokes that the Constitution can be amended, so people who call it impossible should let the Wookiee win. (00:00:45)
• 2009-07-19 · Harry Potter Nerds Win at Life — John says that when he played 20Q thinking of puppy-sized elephants, a creature 'in pre-existence', it guessed unicorns. (00:02:08)
• 2009-07-19 · Harry Potter Nerds Win at Life — John says he answered 20Q honestly about Hank and it guessed Perez Hilton. (00:02:43)
• 2009-07-28 · Love and Romance Questions ANSWERED — Asked where the nerdy girls are, John jokes that they are right here, watching the video. (00:01:13)
• 2009-08-11 · The Island of Nerdfighteria? — John jokes that if each subscriber gave the brothers $100 they could buy a private island and make Nerdfighteria a real country. — hedged: “could potentially” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
• 2009-09-27 · TV For Chickens — John jokes that angry YouTube commenters need to watch more TV to wash off their aggression. (00:01:38)
• 2009-11-01 · NaNoWriMo!!! — His imagined interlocutor cites Baby-Sitters Club 43, 'Claudia's Sad Goodbye'; John jokingly agrees it is great but the exception that proves the rule. (00:00:59)
• 2009-11-17 · Question Tuesday: The Free Money Edition — John jokes he dislikes unicorns for refusing to disarm, loves glitter, and calls fruitcake the unicorn of the cake genre. (00:01:05)
• 2009-11-22 · Hank in FAMY — John opens by pretending the video is about a Marxist revolution in Benin, asks 'Are the new viewers gone yet?', then admits he made it up. (00:00:00)
• 2009-12-06 · LOSERS!!!! — John warns MIT that one day there will be a decisive contest for 'internerdial domination' and Nerdfighteria is coming for them. (00:03:19)
• 2009-12-13 · Eyelash Malaria — John notes he pointed at his pants but wants the questions left in the comments, not in his pants. (00:03:27)
• 2009-12-17 · THE 2009 PROJECT FOR AWESOME!!! — John jokes that at an ultrasound the technician let them hear the unborn baby say it hates malaria but can do nothing about it from inside the amniotic sac. (00:01:17)

Hypothetical (4)

a thought experiment or "what if"

• 2009-01-04 · Israel. Gaza. PUPPY! — If these steps happen, John says Hamas will be out of power within a year, and Fatah and Israel can draw a map like 1949 with real Palestinian sovereignty, even at some security cost. (00:02:58)
• 2009-05-04 · Oinkbarf Pandemic! An Intellectual Response to Swine Flu — John grants an obvious reason to fear it: if 10% of the infected needed hospitalisation, hospitals would quickly run out of beds. (00:02:12)
• 2009-10-11 · Puppy Elephant Defends Capitalism — John sketches a business: a dollar of fabric makes a puppy-sized elephant costume sold for $5, reinvested into more costumes until you are rich. (00:01:06)
• 2009-11-08 · H1N1 Vaccine Fears — John says the story made him feel that even a 1 in 10 million chance of that side effect was one he did not want. (00:00:47)

Playful (293)

a real point made in a joking way; the paraphrase records the meant core

• 2009-01-03 · Giraffe Love and Other Questions ANSWERED — John agrees and, as previously noted, says people love giraffes who love giraffes, maybe because giraffe mating habits are fascinating. — hedged: “Maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:27)
• 2009-01-03 · Giraffe Love and Other Questions ANSWERED — John says male giraffes nudge females with their heads to make them urinate, then drink the urine to taste whether the females are ovulating. (00:00:36)
• 2009-01-03 · Giraffe Love and Other Questions ANSWERED — John calls himself an optimist only in the sense that he thinks humanity's relentless attempt to extinguish itself will fail for the foreseeable future. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:01:37)
• 2009-01-03 · Giraffe Love and Other Questions ANSWERED — Asked whether he is Kurt Vonnegut, John says he wishes he were. (00:01:47)
• 2009-01-04 · Israel. Gaza. PUPPY! — John quips that both sides are animals, since, as the Romans put it, man is a wolf to man. (00:00:02)
• 2009-01-11 · SOMALI PIRATES! France Penetrates Chad! — John sarcastically says these African events are front-page news only in an alternate universe where people care more about others' well-being than about American actresses' narcissism. (00:00:02)
• 2009-01-11 · SOMALI PIRATES! France Penetrates Chad! — Chad is a landlocked Central African nation with two traffic lights in the whole country, neither of which works. (00:00:02)
• 2009-01-11 · SOMALI PIRATES! France Penetrates Chad! — John reads from Wikipedia's Chad page that the French first 'penetrated' Chad in 1891, then plays the wording for laughs. (00:01:01)
• 2009-01-11 · SOMALI PIRATES! France Penetrates Chad! — John mocks the Transitional Federal Government: nine years old so hardly transitional, influence over a third of the country so hardly federal, unable to govern so hardly a government. (00:02:35)
• 2009-01-13 · Beanie John's Love Advice — John says the journal runs to about 200 pages and mentions Hank zero times, nor their parents or grandparents; it is all about him. (00:00:00)
• 2009-01-13 · Beanie John's Love Advice — John finds a late entry vowing to be truthful from now on, which leaves him reading the journal assuming much of it is untrue. (00:01:27)
• 2009-01-13 · Beanie John's Love Advice — John says the journal shows he loved a girl immensely whose last name he had forgotten, and he is appalled at an unkind remark about her that he wrote and kept. (00:01:27)
• 2009-01-13 · Beanie John's Love Advice — John tells girls that boys are more like his teenage self than like Edward Cullen, and tells boys to be nice to a girl they like, not creepily so. (00:02:00)
• 2009-01-13 · Beanie John's Love Advice — John reassures eighth graders and their parents that it is probably not this bad, since he turned out all right. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:21)
• 2009-01-18 · PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA Inaugurated: Some Historical Background — John teases that the Declaration of Independence almost didn't happen because someone got drunk at a bar, a story he may tell someday. (00:01:23)
• 2009-01-18 · PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA Inaugurated: Some Historical Background — John advises Obama to keep his inaugural address short and wear a coat, and congratulates him. (00:02:41)
• 2009-01-25 · Puppet Santa Dance Party / Hard Times in Book Publishing — Because text alone would be boring, John says Argyle, the one-eyed book-reading sock puppet, and Black Santa will hold a dance party to a song from Hank's new CD. (00:00:00)
• 2009-01-27 · Before Looking for Alaska… — John says he is in the fifth week of his office reorganization project, which, he says wryly, is going swimmingly. (00:00:02)
• 2009-01-27 · Before Looking for Alaska… — Growing up in Orlando, John believed as a child that being rich meant having stairs in your house, even imagining the IRS taxed households by their stairs. (00:00:34)
• 2009-01-27 · Before Looking for Alaska… — John apologizes to his parents for the book's insults, then tells Hank he could in fact stand to take more showers. (00:01:46)
• 2009-02-01 · Super Bowl Analysis from an Idiot — John raises in passing, while saying he won't discuss it, the moral dubiousness of paying men to play a sport he says statistically shortens their lives by 15 years. (00:00:00)
• 2009-02-01 · Super Bowl Analysis from an Idiot — John jokes, in passing, that Americans suffer a weird collective mental illness that makes them want to watch corporations sell them goods and services. (00:00:40)
• 2009-02-01 · Super Bowl Analysis from an Idiot — John mocks the Arizona Cardinals, trying to win their first Super Bowl, saying their nickname is the lamest since the Premier League's Bolton Wanderers. (00:00:40)
• 2009-02-01 · Super Bowl Analysis from an Idiot — John offers a final name, the Arizona blood-drinking silver-haired virgins, saying the NFL, for all its success, has almost completely failed to reach the Twilight fan demographic. — hedged: “I really feel like” [opinion marker] (00:02:08)
• 2009-02-01 · Super Bowl Analysis from an Idiot — John says Google's top autocomplete for 'is Edward Cullen' is 'is Edward Cullen real?', found while checking if Edward is a virgin; John answers that he is not real. (00:02:34)
• 2009-02-01 · Super Bowl Analysis from an Idiot — John predicts that, entirely due to mascot superiority, the Steelers will win the Super Bowl by six. (00:03:02)
• 2009-02-08 · All Aboard the Fail Boat — John introduces the Fail Boat, the puppy-captained vessel Nerdfighters use to travel Nerdfighteria and to sail the world learning about places experiencing world suck. (00:00:06)
• 2009-02-08 · All Aboard the Fail Boat — John calls Richard Williamson a crazy person and jokes that his craziness is why he had been excommunicated from the Catholic Church. (00:00:36)
• 2009-02-08 · All Aboard the Fail Boat — After public outcry Williamson agreed to reconsider the historical evidence of the Holocaust, which John likens to reconsidering whether America had a president called Ronald Reagan. (00:01:00)
• 2009-02-08 · All Aboard the Fail Boat — John says Nerdfighteria takes the attack on women's pants personally: the in-your-pants book-title joke is funny, a hoopskirt designed to rob women of power is not, and Williamson will not take his in-your-pants jokes. (00:01:33)
• 2009-02-08 · All Aboard the Fail Boat — John titles the Australia item 'Just because it's cold in your house doesn't mean global warming is a lie' news. (00:02:24)
• 2009-02-08 · All Aboard the Fail Boat — Dressed as Hank (or as John in a Hank costume), John sends best wishes to cheer up Australian Nerdfighters, then shows a Nerdfighter-made John disguise. (00:03:04)
• 2009-02-15 · Stimulus Plan Explained — John wears his bronze medal from the 1994 Alabama State Academic Decathlon, joking it shows he was once ranked a third-best high-school economist. (00:00:00)
• 2009-02-15 · Stimulus Plan Explained — John adds that Keynes's last words were "I wish I'd drunk more champagne." (video description)
• 2009-02-15 · Stimulus Plan Explained — John says the US is obviously not in a Great Depression, offering joking proofs: he doesn't walk uphill to school both ways or steal tomatoes to survive as Nanny and Pawpaw did. (00:01:19)
• 2009-02-21 · Paper Towns and PUPPY — Relaying a question, John tells Hank he needs to do the Carrie Bradshaw punishment now. (00:02:15)
• 2009-02-22 · Big Oil RIPS YOU OFF — via Unfair Mathematics — John claims to present unassailable evidence that oil companies rip people off through the 'evil magic of demon mathematics'. (00:00:00)
• 2009-02-22 · Big Oil RIPS YOU OFF — via Unfair Mathematics — John's letter to Exxon tallies his losses over the last two years at about eight cents from Exxon and two cents from Shell, and asks Exxon to send him his eight cents. (video description)
• 2009-02-22 · Big Oil RIPS YOU OFF — via Unfair Mathematics — Even at the height of the 2008 oil bubble, a gallon of gasoline cost less than a gallon of Fierce Grape Gatorade, which John finds odd given the work of extracting and refining oil. (00:00:00)
• 2009-02-22 · Big Oil RIPS YOU OFF — via Unfair Mathematics — Traditional rounding (one to four down, five to nine up) rounds down four ninths of the time and up five ninths of the time, John says. (00:00:58)
• 2009-02-22 · Big Oil RIPS YOU OFF — via Unfair Mathematics — Oil companies use the rounding that gets them an extra penny one twentieth of the time: 5% of American gasoline purchases are charged an extra penny. (00:01:27)
• 2009-02-22 · Big Oil RIPS YOU OFF — via Unfair Mathematics — John says a weekly buyer's yearly loss is not two and a half pennies but, per the oil companies, three, and in total millions of dollars every year. (00:01:27)
• 2009-02-22 · Big Oil RIPS YOU OFF — via Unfair Mathematics — John adapts the Lincoln line about fooling people: when it comes to math you can fool all the people all the time. (00:01:27)
• 2009-02-22 · Big Oil RIPS YOU OFF — via Unfair Mathematics — John says he will let Hank know how the Exxon letter goes. (00:01:56)
• 2009-02-22 · Big Oil RIPS YOU OFF — via Unfair Mathematics — John calls the video this week's (week of 16 February 2009) installment of 'Why Mathematics Matters'. (00:01:56)
• 2009-02-22 · Big Oil RIPS YOU OFF — via Unfair Mathematics — Though he has not owned a car for much of his adult life, John calculates Exxon owes him about eight pennies and has written asking for his eight cents back. (00:01:56)
• 2009-02-24 · How to Make Guys Like You — John says all their videos except those with giraffe sex as the thumbnail are watched by nearly three times more women than men. (00:00:34)
• 2009-02-24 · How to Make Guys Like You — John says there are about six ways to get 15-year-old boys to like you: become a giraffe, become World of Warcraft, be 'hot', be yourself, act like an idiot, consider different boys. — hedged: “from what I can tell” [other hedge] (00:00:52)
• 2009-02-24 · How to Make Guys Like You — John distinguishes the normal human meaning of 'hot' (suitable for mating) from a culturally constructed one (malnourished, breast implants) and says nothing about the latter is inherently hot. — hedged: “I don't think” [opinion marker] (00:01:00)
• 2009-02-24 · How to Make Guys Like You — John says adults are obliged to advise 'be yourself' though it doesn't work, since no one knows what being yourself means. (00:01:35)
• 2009-02-24 · How to Make Guys Like You — John says boys secretly feel stupid, awkward and eyelid-fluttery too; once you realize all brains gesture and everybody feels awkward, boys will like you. (00:02:20)
• 2009-02-24 · How to Make Guys Like You — John advises Katie to consider nerd boys: they don't sparkle, but they are sensitive, caring and sweet, if a little needy. (00:02:37)
• 2009-02-24 · How to Make Guys Like You — John tells boys that nerd girls are the world's greatest underutilized romantic resource, and that denying they are hot is a Paris Hilton-esque failure to understand hotness. (00:02:52)
• 2009-02-24 · How to Make Guys Like You — John says he is so excited for Song Wednesday that he has to do a little dance. (00:03:05)
• 2009-03-01 · Free Will Fetish — John says an anonymous 17th-century French girl helped create modern philosophy with her crossed eyes. (00:00:00)
• 2009-03-01 · Free Will Fetish — John says Descartes believed in never getting up before noon. (00:00:00)
• 2009-03-01 · Free Will Fetish — John says Descartes had a fetish for cross-eyed women. (00:00:00)
• 2009-03-01 · Free Will Fetish — John says Descartes realized his attraction came from a cross-eyed girl he played with as a child. (00:00:38)
• 2009-03-01 · Free Will Fetish — John says that once Descartes connected the childhood memory to his desire, the desire went away; he took this as showing the mind controls the body, a linchpin of his defense of free will. (00:01:07)
• 2009-03-01 · Free Will Fetish — John reveals, whispering, that the vlogbrothers now have more subscribers than Google, the company that owns YouTube. (00:02:12)
• 2009-03-08 · PEEPS for Bangladesh — John apologises for the Truth or Fail subscription-box spamming problem, saying they didn't expect it and it will never happen again. (00:00:00)
• 2009-03-08 · PEEPS for Bangladesh — John jokes that nerdfighting is a full-service emotional operation that takes you to all the possible feelings. (00:02:15)
• 2009-03-08 · PEEPS for Bangladesh — John says he will try to set the Question Tuesday world record on Tuesday, and tells Hank to dress up as Carrie Bradshaw soon to avoid a YouTube mutiny. (00:02:42)
• 2009-03-10 · How to Get Girls to Like You — Asked why he never sings, John says at the end of 2007 he gave nerdfighters the gift of him not singing anymore. (00:02:40)
• 2009-03-15 · Lighting a candle for Rwanda — John says he has just arrived in Holland without sleep for 34 hours and is filming, confused, in the world's smallest hotel bathroom. (00:00:00)
• 2009-03-22 · John Loves Amsterdam — John says he loves the Netherlands: its public transportation, nice teachers' lounges in public schools, daring architecture and cafes serving bitterballen. (00:00:45)
• 2009-03-22 · John Loves Amsterdam — John describes a Dutch delicacy of white bread, butter and chocolate sprinkles, admitting he pretty much made up its name (heard as 'Hakkenslaken'). (00:01:06)
• 2009-03-22 · John Loves Amsterdam — John urges Nerdfighters who read Dutch to buy Paper Towns in Dutch so his publisher Lemniscaat brings him back to Holland for more bitterballen. (00:02:46)
• 2009-03-24 · Peeps! Prom! Puppy! — Featured photos include cakes (one a Looking for Alaska cover reading 'a cake'), John licking a cat, and remarkable Nerdfighter shoes. (00:02:38)
• 2009-03-24 · Peeps! Prom! Puppy! — John asks whether he is just an overly proud dog parent or whether Willy really sits adorably like a cat. (00:03:07)
• 2009-03-29 · Tiny Chickens Cause Epic Fail — John says he saw a doctor yesterday for a bad illness he calls 'tiny chicken disease', with his sinus passages blocked. (00:00:00)
• 2009-03-29 · Tiny Chickens Cause Epic Fail — John says Hank has owed a Carrie Bradshaw dress-up for about six months and won't do it, and claims to speak for Nerdfighters in being mad. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:35)
• 2009-03-29 · Tiny Chickens Cause Epic Fail — John tells Hank to dress up as Carrie Bradshaw and says he is boycotting Hank's videos until he sees it in a video thumbnail. (00:01:09)
• 2009-04-05 · The EVIL BABY ORPHANAGE Returns for North Korea — John says nerdfighter Naomi suggested reviving the Evil Baby Orphanage; he hesitated until North Korea launched a long-range missile, so now it's time. (00:00:08)
• 2009-04-05 · The EVIL BABY ORPHANAGE Returns for North Korea — John recaps the Evil Baby Orphanage: invented almost two years ago (May 2007) by nerdfighter Brooke as a compromise in the debate over killing baby Hitler via time travel. (00:00:25)
• 2009-04-05 · The EVIL BABY ORPHANAGE Returns for North Korea — John explains Brooke's compromise: go back in time, kidnap evil baby Hitler and take him to the Evil Baby Orphanage, a school designed explicitly for evil babies in "like, Tibet or something". (00:00:39)
• 2009-04-05 · The EVIL BABY ORPHANAGE Returns for North Korea — John says the orphanage stalled not over building a time machine but over the brothers' continuing disagreement about time-travel paradoxes, which they should now set aside. (00:00:55)
• 2009-04-05 · The EVIL BABY ORPHANAGE Returns for North Korea — John notes two differences from himself: North Korea is run by 'a crazy dude', Kim Jong-il, and has nuclear weapons. (00:01:37)
• 2009-04-05 · The EVIL BABY ORPHANAGE Returns for North Korea — John reports North Korea launched a long-range missile into the ocean; though the launch failed, the international community, even China, is really mad. (00:01:41)
• 2009-04-05 · The EVIL BABY ORPHANAGE Returns for North Korea — John proposes putting Kim Jong-il's dead father Kim Il-sung in the Evil Baby Orphanage, which he says would save millions of lives and reunify Korea. (00:02:15)
• 2009-04-05 · The EVIL BABY ORPHANAGE Returns for North Korea — John says building the needed time machine is no challenge: nerdfighters do everything asked, e.g. they ate 317 Peeps for him. (00:02:27)
• 2009-04-05 · The EVIL BABY ORPHANAGE Returns for North Korea — John cites nerdfighters' pond sand filter in Bangladesh as proof of what they can do. (00:02:45)
• 2009-04-12 · The Death of Youtube?? Redesign Coming — John explains that huge audiences watch user-made clips like water-skiing squirrels for free, but advertisers such as Lucky Charms won't associate their brand with them, preferring shows like American Dad and Bones. (00:01:32)
• 2009-04-12 · The Death of Youtube?? Redesign Coming — To prove user-generated content can sell Lucky Charms, John pitches them as the vampires of breakfast cereal, but the pitch turns into a warning about health and diabetes, and he concedes he can't sell them. (00:02:03)
• 2009-04-12 · The Death of Youtube?? Redesign Coming — John tells YouTubers not to get mad at YouTube for wanting to make money, but to get mad at him for being bad at selling Lucky Charms. (00:02:39)
• 2009-04-14 · The World's Largest Balls — John reads the Aristotle quote on Joel's MySpace (a clear goal, the means, adjust all means to that end) and adds a mock fourth precept: don't make that end a rubber band ball. (00:01:10)
• 2009-04-14 · The World's Largest Balls — John says he has seen all of those balls of twine, and the one in Darwin, Minnesota is the most impressively ball-like. (00:02:14)
• 2009-04-14 · The World's Largest Balls — Noting that two major balls of twine have mailboxes, John writes the ball of twine a letter: it says something interesting about America, but he couldn't figure out what, so he cut it from his novel. (00:02:47)
• 2009-04-19 · Weekend of Surreality — John says folk legend Peter of Peter, Paul and Mary 'opened' for him at the Philadelphia Book Festival, then admits that would make John the opener for a children's band, Trout Fishing in America. (00:00:48)
• 2009-04-19 · Weekend of Surreality — John recalls that at his wedding to the Yeti, he and she nearly got dehydrated because people kept stopping to congratulate them while they tried to get water. (00:01:47)
• 2009-04-21 · Question Tuesday — Asked what a Nerdfighter is, John jokes that people haven't spent the 24 hours needed to watch all 465 videos, and says Nerdfighters are made out of awesome instead of bones and organs. (00:00:00)
• 2009-04-21 · Question Tuesday — John recommends Maureen Johnson's brilliant Suite Scarlett, out in paperback in a few days, as a way to get her to like you (or become a puppy). (00:02:04)
• 2009-04-21 · Question Tuesday — Asked why he doesn't blink, John recalls his March 2007 hospital visit for an eye infection, known to Brotherhood 2.0 viewers, and jokes that they installed robot eyes. (00:03:31)
• 2009-04-25 · Saturday Video?!?!?! — John's problem with Peeps is that their flavour doesn't change with their colour; he believes flavour and colour should be correlated, and has the same problem with M&Ms. (00:00:35)
• 2009-04-25 · Saturday Video?!?!?! — Asked how to get a Nerdfighter to notice you like him romantically, John advises simply telling him so. (00:01:34)
• 2009-04-25 · Saturday Video?!?!?! — Asked whether his opinion on zombies vs. unicorns has changed since 2007, John says only in that he hates unicorns more than ever. (00:01:34)
• 2009-04-25 · Saturday Video?!?!?! — Asked whether the world will end in 2012, John dismisses the worry as dated eschatological anxiety. (00:01:34)
• 2009-04-25 · Saturday Video?!?!?! — John's favourite things about libraries are free books and secret superhero librarians. (00:01:34)
• 2009-04-25 · Saturday Video?!?!?! — Asked whether anyone reads books anymore, John says he has extensive empirical evidence that people still read books. (00:02:03)
• 2009-04-26 · Peanut Butter Face Discusses Sri Lanka — John says he can follow about six news stories at once and lists them: the economic crisis, Iraq, Pakistan, the Craigslist killer, North Korea and Lindsay Lohan's breakup. (00:00:07)
• 2009-04-26 · Peanut Butter Face Discusses Sri Lanka — John says he knows how to make people pay attention to serious international news: Peanut Butter Face. (00:00:48)
• 2009-04-26 · Peanut Butter Face Discusses Sri Lanka — John says the Tamil Tigers, who invented contemporary suicide bombings and the suicide vest, are Hindus and some Christians, and not very religious. (00:00:54)
• 2009-05-03 · Important (Temporary) Video — John records on his iSight because he spent an hour and a half in downtown Minneapolis looking for a cable to get footage off his camcorder and, it being Sunday, could not get one. (00:00:00)
• 2009-05-04 · Oinkbarf Pandemic! An Intellectual Response to Swine Flu — John asks Nerdfighters to answer in comments what you can do with a bust of Edgar Allan Poe. (00:00:39)
• 2009-05-04 · Oinkbarf Pandemic! An Intellectual Response to Swine Flu — John calls swine flu 'oinkbarf', joking it is the technical name, and admits he probably uses the name because he is still a bit terrified of it. (00:01:20)
• 2009-05-04 · Oinkbarf Pandemic! An Intellectual Response to Swine Flu — John says we generally respond to the futility of effort by ignoring it; he doesn't think about a day when no one reads Shakespeare, let alone his books. (00:02:51)
• 2009-05-05 · HANKO DE MAYO! Happy Birthday Hank! — John wishes Hank a happy birthday on Hanko de Mayo, noting Hank is 29, which makes John feel old. (00:00:00)
• 2009-05-05 · HANKO DE MAYO! Happy Birthday Hank! — John asks whether eight-year-old Hank, listening to the Rock-afire Explosion, would have imagined writing a song they would record. (00:01:29)
• 2009-05-10 · What Could You Do with a Poe Bust?! — John answers 'What could you do with a Poe bust?' with a run of comic uses: on his head, playing Wii, sunglasses, a talking 'nevermore', waterboarding, fitness equipment, a garden gnome. (00:00:13)
• 2009-05-10 · What Could You Do with a Poe Bust?! — In the end John decides he will just keep the Poe bust on the mantel. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:01:28)
• 2009-05-10 · What Could You Do with a Poe Bust?! — In a P.S. voiced as the Poe bust, John tells Australian Nerdfighters to look in the sidebar for information about his upcoming events. (00:01:30)
• 2009-05-17 · Burma! Myanmar? BURMA! — John observes that what follows the words 'there was a military coup' is generally pretty bad, and jokes about sending militaries a memo that coups are bad. (00:00:40)
• 2009-05-17 · Burma! Myanmar? BURMA! — John refuses to say Myanmar because the junta chose it: if a US military junta renamed his country, he would not want others to use the new name. (00:01:04)
• 2009-05-19 · Question Tuesday! — John says he has only about an hour to make the video, so he will do it 'Brotherhood 2.0 style' with poorer edits and champagne poppers. (00:00:00)
• 2009-05-19 · Question Tuesday! — John says his first job was loading semi-trucks with boxes of stereo equipment in a warehouse, like Tetris in 110-degree heat with 30-pound pieces. (00:01:19)
• 2009-05-24 · WROCK! — John says a woman in an Apple store recognised him and told him she used to watch his videos. (00:00:00)
• 2009-05-24 · WROCK! — John says that at the LeakyCon bar someone dressed as Dumbledore put a hand on his shoulder and bought him a drink. (00:00:29)
• 2009-06-07 · I Will Call Him Louis: Australia Rocks! — John says he is very tired but is making the video anyway because he cannot afford to be punished again. (00:00:00)
• 2009-06-07 · I Will Call Him Louis: Australia Rocks! — John says the duck-billed platypuses reminded him that evolution can do extraordinary things. (00:01:33)
• 2009-06-07 · I Will Call Him Louis: Australia Rocks! — John remarks that many at the gathering are filming it, joking that they can only enjoy it later when they replay it. (00:02:03)
• 2009-06-10 · Eating a FAT SANDWICH — John opens 'Cooking with John', the show where they make and eat disgusting things; the last episode was a blenderized McDonald's Happy Meal. (00:00:00)
• 2009-06-10 · Eating a FAT SANDWICH — John explains the challenge: eat the nutritional equivalent of a Carl's Jr. specialty burger as its constituent parts - fat, corn syrup, salt and protein - plus a bun. (00:00:16)
• 2009-06-10 · Eating a FAT SANDWICH — John says he bought the strawberry-flavored protein because it was cheaper and will probably regret it. (00:00:30)
• 2009-06-10 · Eating a FAT SANDWICH — John's recipe: a quarter cup of Crisco, one teaspoon of high fructose corn syrup (Mrs. Butterworth), one teaspoon of salt and two scoops of strawberry soy protein, blended, on a wheat bun. (00:00:44)
• 2009-06-10 · Eating a FAT SANDWICH — John finds the fat sandwich 'kind of delicious' at first - strawberry, salty, sugary, fatty - but halfway through it tastes bad and he feels sick, and powers through. (00:02:10)
• 2009-06-10 · Eating a FAT SANDWICH — A voiceover freezes the footage so young viewers need not see John vomit; John then finishes the sandwich. (00:03:11)
• 2009-06-10 · Eating a FAT SANDWICH — John says that, just like regular fast food, the first couple of bites were delicious and then it became progressively grosser. (00:03:37)
• 2009-06-14 · Iran Election Fraud: 5 Reasons to Doubt the Results — John asks Nerdfighters to vote in comments on whether he should keep or shave his beard; unlike Iran, he says, he will adhere to the results. (00:00:05)
• 2009-06-14 · Iran Election Fraud: 5 Reasons to Doubt the Results — John says moderates who try to run for president are routinely barred (comically 'like 37,000'), which has often led to low turnout. — hedged: “like” [other hedge] (00:00:41)
• 2009-06-14 · Iran Election Fraud: 5 Reasons to Doubt the Results — John calls the incumbent president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, 'a bit of a douche-nozzle'. (00:00:57)
• 2009-06-17 · Half a Beard — John reports almost 5,000 people voted on his beard, preliminarily to keep it - but says the Yeti always has 10,000 votes, and asks Sarah to decide. (00:00:00)
• 2009-06-17 · Half a Beard — An off-camera compromise to keep half the beard follows (who proposes it is unclear); John shaves off half, which took like 45 minutes, cutting himself six times. — hedged: “like” [other hedge] (00:00:26)
• 2009-06-17 · Half a Beard — John says their father never taught him to shave; he didn't need to when he left for boarding school in 10th grade, and his 10th-grade girlfriend taught him. (00:00:26)
• 2009-06-17 · Half a Beard — John says he is about 20% bigger than he used to be; the Wii Fit he and Sarah got calculated his BMI and made his Mii portly. — hedged: “about” [other hedge] (00:01:05)
• 2009-06-17 · Half a Beard — John teases that Hank, though in better shape than him, also has 'a little bit more of you in the middle' than he used to. — hedged: “I don't know” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:34)
• 2009-06-17 · Half a Beard — John concedes BMI is unscientific and not that important but keeps it as a category; he is tempted to forfeit the push-ups. (00:02:06)
• 2009-06-17 · Half a Beard — John has hired a personal trainer, a semi-professional strongman; in the first session he thought he would puke and was told to go ahead. (00:02:06)
• 2009-06-17 · Half a Beard — In a P.S. John says he abandoned the half-shaved look and shares Nerdfighters' pro- and anti-beard chants from 'the great beard debate of 2009', finding the anti-beard one most convincing. (00:02:35)
• 2009-06-21 · The World Sucks: Help it Suck Less — John says real-life volunteering is important, but now there are volunteer opportunities for 'obsessive agoraphobes who love to edit video' like the brothers. (00:01:31)
• 2009-06-29 · GAY is NOT an INSULT — John says not everyone watching is awesome and reads comments posted on Vlogbrothers videos in the last week, replacing each curse word with a famous American poet's name. (00:00:22)
• 2009-06-29 · GAY is NOT an INSULT — John tells commenters that the contraction of 'you are' is spelled with an apostrophe and asks them to check before submitting a comment. (00:01:05)
• 2009-06-29 · GAY is NOT an INSULT — John says calling someone stupid implies knowing the difference between stupid and smart, a case not helped by using 'stupid' as a noun. (00:01:29)
• 2009-06-30 · Nerdfighter MARRIAGE PROPOSAL — John says he has lost about three pounds in the fitness challenge but expects Hank to win the BMI part, so he must focus on running and push-ups. — hedged: “I'm pretty sure” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
• 2009-06-30 · Nerdfighter MARRIAGE PROPOSAL — Asked about an object behind his head, John runs through a My Little Pony, wooden shoes from Dutch fans and a sculpture of Willy as the Dread Pirate Fireball Wilson Roberts. (00:00:39)
• 2009-06-30 · Nerdfighter MARRIAGE PROPOSAL — Asked to propose for a viewer, John says Nerdfighters sometimes meet, fall in 'nerdfighter-like' and occasionally love, but he is unsure about proposing to someone other than his wife. (00:00:39)
• 2009-06-30 · Nerdfighter MARRIAGE PROPOSAL — John says he is more nervous than when he asked a girl to prom, and afterwards shaking with excitement. (00:01:25)
• 2009-07-05 · Sarah Palin Resigning! Four Possible Reasons Why — John says that as soon as anyone says 'scandal', both Sarah Palin's supporters and her detractors start shouting and basically become giant squids of anger. (00:02:13)
• 2009-07-11 · Chewbacca for President! Let the Wookie Win! — John recalls that in his last video he offhandedly said Chewbacca would make a great president with Han Solo as vice president and chief translator, and the idea had legs. (00:00:00)
• 2009-07-11 · Chewbacca for President! Let the Wookie Win! — John dismisses argument three, Chewbacca's poor communication and bellicosity: public servants should be more like him, loyal and self-sacrificing. (00:01:14)
• 2009-07-12 · On Iran, Islam, and Amazingly Stupid Comments — John says Nerdfighters have a guy in Bangladesh, Shawn, who pwns poverty with their money, and that Shawn has an amazing new video about his work there. (00:00:00)
• 2009-07-12 · On Iran, Islam, and Amazingly Stupid Comments — Since his Iran election video John has read many amazingly stupid YouTube comments; he says Nerdfighter comments are generally thoughtful and respectful, unlike non-Nerdfighters'. (00:00:29)
• 2009-07-14 · Sell Outs! — John reports many Nerdfighters commented that almost all ads beside his Sunday video were for Scientology or mail-order brides. (00:00:00)
• 2009-07-14 · Sell Outs! — John says the brothers do not want Nerdfighters buying mail-order brides online: buying a wife on the internet is immoral. (00:00:00)
• 2009-07-14 · Sell Outs! — John says ads on their videos have been hilarious or humiliating before, including one that seems to mock Hank and one selling a test to tell if your husband is gay. (00:00:46)
• 2009-07-14 · Sell Outs! — John says arranging his bookshelves 'to look like that' (shown on screen) in every video wouldn't be selling out, only a bit unseemly, so he doesn't, though he says his publishers always ask. — hedged: “I don't even think” [other hedge] (00:01:30)
• 2009-07-14 · Sell Outs! — John calls Hank's album brilliant and life-changing, with a link in the sidebar. (00:01:30)
• 2009-07-22 · Truth or Fail with John! Famous Authors Edition — John introduces the literary edition of Truth or Fail, which he calls YouTube's only (or at any rate best) game show: viewers click the true one of two purported facts or fail. (00:00:00)
• 2009-07-26 · Volunteering (In Your Pants) — John opens by saying he will not talk about the damage recently inflicted upon the puff. (00:00:00)
• 2009-07-26 · Volunteering (In Your Pants) — John recounts that he and Maureen Johnson discovered in a coffee shop that adding 'in your pants' to book titles makes them funnier, and runs through examples. (00:00:37)
• 2009-07-26 · Volunteering (In Your Pants) — John says some places in the world have no books, and that real access to reading needs lights to read by, libraries and the right books, not just books. (00:01:26)
• 2009-07-26 · Volunteering (In Your Pants) — John says the foundation chooses books with people in the camps, based on what they need and want (after joking it picks the best in-your-pants jokes). (00:02:24)
• 2009-07-28 · Love and Romance Questions ANSWERED — John advises asking a boyfriend about marriage and talking it over, calling it weird that culture thrusts marriage on women: boys deliberate for months, girls get seconds to answer. (00:00:55)
• 2009-07-28 · Love and Romance Questions ANSWERED — John says an ordinary first kiss is no big deal, but for a kiss with tongue his one piece of advice is that the tongue should not lead. (00:01:30)
• 2009-07-28 · Love and Romance Questions ANSWERED — John says guys who don't like girls smarter than them are exactly the guys you don't want to date. (00:03:32)
• 2009-07-28 · Love and Romance Questions ANSWERED — To overcome shyness about asking a boy out, John says just ask: call him now, before the video ends, and say John Green told you to. (00:03:45)
• 2009-08-06 · Robert Pattinson and DJ Railstone — John says listening to an interview with Pattinson made him want him to shut up because it was ruining the image. (00:00:40)
• 2009-08-06 · Robert Pattinson and DJ Railstone — A Nerdfighter emailed that 20Q guessed Flava Flav for Holden Caulfield; John jokes that the two have a lot in common. (00:00:40)
• 2009-08-10 · HipPOTATOmus — John can show little footage because the Yeti is in all of it, and showing her would make Nerdfighteria collapse. (00:00:23)
• 2009-08-10 · HipPOTATOmus — A potato looked like a hippo; John called it the hippotato, and the woman's son said it should be called the hippotatamus. (00:01:15)
• 2009-08-10 · HipPOTATOmus — John says the Philo Apple Farm definitely doesn't forget to be awesome. (00:01:15)
• 2009-08-11 · The Island of Nerdfighteria? — Answering a suggestion, John enthusiastically urges Hank and Nerdfighters to make an online hip-hop collaboration between Hank and Natalie from Community Channel happen. (00:00:32)
• 2009-08-11 · The Island of Nerdfighteria? — Rejecting an iPod for every subscriber, John says most probably already have one and it would cost about $10 million. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:01)
• 2009-08-11 · The Island of Nerdfighteria? — John recalls the brothers may already have a choreographed dance to Vanilla Ice's 'Ice Ice Baby' from childhood, and maybe one to R.E.M.'s 'Stand', and hopes they stay unseen. — hedged: “I think we might” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:01)
• 2009-08-11 · The Island of Nerdfighteria? — John catches a viewer's attempt to trick him into saying he loves unicorns and declares that he hates unicorns. (00:01:39)
• 2009-08-11 · The Island of Nerdfighteria? — Asked again to show the Yeti after three years, John says he cannot, because her cuteness would break viewers' computers. (00:01:39)
• 2009-08-11 · The Island of Nerdfighteria? — John is off to a personal training session so he can beat Hank in the coming fitness challenges. (00:02:28)
• 2009-08-16 · Health Care Overhaul Summarized Via MASSIVE PIG — John likens the boar to America's healthcare system: impressively or distressingly huge; the debate boils down to killing him, putting him on a diet, or feeding him. (00:00:18)
• 2009-08-16 · Health Care Overhaul Summarized Via MASSIVE PIG — John partly empathises: seeing chocolate-covered bacon at the fair, he didn't want to be on the financial hook for people who eat it. (00:02:36)
• 2009-08-21 · Truth or Fail: John Green Books — John introduces Truth or Fail, 'YouTube's bonely game show': he gives two purported facts and viewers click the true one or fail. (00:00:00)
• 2009-08-25 · The Gift of Gary Busey — John, the day after his 32nd birthday, thanks Hank for the birthday video and says, in playful hyperbole, it made him happier than anything ever has. (00:00:00)
• 2009-08-25 · The Gift of Gary Busey — John shows that Willy has damaged the 'great white wall of cow' (now two-legged and tailless) and seems to have blinded the sock puppet. — hedged: “seems to have” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
• 2009-08-25 · The Gift of Gary Busey — John says the internet is often flashy lights, but occasionally, like a thousand monkeys at typewriters, makes something magical, such as the Gary Busey family portrait. — hedged: “Sometimes I feel like” [opinion marker] (00:01:12)
• 2009-08-25 · The Gift of Gary Busey — John argues the creator of the Gary Busey family portrait was not thinking of riches or fame but of doing a great idea well to make people happy. (00:01:40)
• 2009-08-30 · 100 QUESTIONS ANSWERED!!!!!!! — John names The Mountain Goats his favorite, second and fourth favorite band, with Hank third, and Hank's anglerfish song as his favorite Hank song. (00:00:50)
• 2009-09-06 · How To (Not) Demolish a Wall — A week later, John says with mock pride he can do what no one can: fail at demolishing a wall, and will teach how in six steps. (00:00:20)
• 2009-09-06 · How To (Not) Demolish a Wall — Step one, the Octopus: John throws himself against the wall, as he once did to find out whether he was an octopus; he still isn't. (00:00:45)
• 2009-09-06 · How To (Not) Demolish a Wall — Step three: Dad said John needed a crowbar; John, likening crowbars to handguns, resisted but was eventually convinced to buy one. (00:01:35)
• 2009-09-06 · How To (Not) Demolish a Wall — John tried the crowbar for about an hour and a half, then got angry and hit the wall, making the holes seen in it, then took a nap. (00:02:00)
• 2009-09-06 · How To (Not) Demolish a Wall — Finally John checked for live electrical wiring where he had been swinging his steel crowbar, and found there is some. (00:02:33)
• 2009-09-06 · How To (Not) Demolish a Wall — Recapping the six steps, John declares himself a proud and epic fail, and teases that only time will tell whether Hank will see the wall on Tuesday. (00:02:42)
• 2009-09-08 · My Puppy's SECRET SHAME (and Paper Towns) — John says Willy agreed not to eat the things John loves in exchange for John keeping his secret shame, but broke the deal by eating part of the great white wall of cow. (00:00:00)
• 2009-09-08 · My Puppy's SECRET SHAME (and Paper Towns) — John came home to find Willy had chewed his figurine of the Wookiee (Chewbacca), leaving it armless with a damaged foot. (00:00:52)
• 2009-09-08 · My Puppy's SECRET SHAME (and Paper Towns) — John reveals Willy's secret shame: he was born with an extra tailbone that bends his tail downward. (00:00:52)
• 2009-09-12 · Special Friday Video! (On Saturday) — John shows drawings on the wall: the great white wall of cow ridden by Willy as the Dread Pirate Fireball Wilson Roberts, and a unicorn meant to motivate him, since he hates unicorns. (00:00:00)
• 2009-09-12 · Special Friday Video! (On Saturday) — John contrasts CSI, where David Caruso outwits master serial killers, with real murders, where detectives end up comforting a remorseful killer who got drunk and killed a friend. (00:01:07)
• 2009-09-12 · Special Friday Video! (On Saturday) — John is excited to see Nerdfighters seeking political office, joking that the Nerdfighter agenda is 'in your pants' book titles and puppy-sized elephants. (00:02:51)
• 2009-09-13 · Sex, Sports, and Caster Semenya — John jokingly opens Newsday with the news that there is 'no more wall', then says that is not the real news. (00:00:00)
• 2009-09-20 · Health Care Reform: The Hank Factor — John casts Hank as the small business people mean when they call small business 'the engine that drives job growth in America'. (00:00:00)
• 2009-09-20 · Health Care Reform: The Hank Factor — John says Hank has ulcerative colitis, describing it comically as a disease whose details you don't want to know. (00:00:00)
• 2009-09-20 · Health Care Reform: The Hank Factor — John says not every hardship of Hank's is his to fix, joking about Hank's childhood love of My Little Ponies. (00:01:35)
• 2009-09-27 · TV For Chickens — John says that when he and Sarah (the Yeti) started dating he had to attend contemporary art shows he knew nothing about, secretly wishing for regular dates. (00:00:00)
• 2009-09-27 · TV For Chickens — John says the chickens love the show: it makes them less anxious, less likely to peck at themselves and much less likely to kill other chickens. (00:01:09)
• 2009-09-27 · TV For Chickens — John says chickens killing other chickens is apparently a huge problem on chicken farms. — hedged: “Apparently” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:38)
• 2009-09-27 · TV For Chickens — John says if everyone stopped eating eggs and chickens, chickens would go extinct: their natural defenses have been bred out, and they exist only because they are delicious. (00:02:08)
• 2009-09-28 · Paper Towns Winners and Ningmasters — John announces that Nerdfighters have convinced the bots at 20q.net that Paige Railstone is a real person. (00:00:06)
• 2009-09-28 · Paper Towns Winners and Ningmasters — John says hating unicorns doesn't mean he doesn't love people who love unicorns. (00:00:41)
• 2009-09-28 · Paper Towns Winners and Ningmasters — Reading a lolspeak comment built on a Woody Guthrie line he used in Paper Towns, John says Guthrie could not have imagined it. (00:02:18)
• 2009-10-04 · NERD ALERT: Presidential Last Words — John says Hank's video on the 13 severed hands of Star Wars blew his mind with its brilliance and made him doubt he is a nerd. (00:00:00)
• 2009-10-04 · NERD ALERT: Presidential Last Words — John says he remembered he has memorized all the known last words of American presidents, which reassures him he is a nerd. (00:00:20)
• 2009-10-04 · NERD ALERT: Presidential Last Words — John mocks Jefferson for resigning his daughter to his country, imagining her asking whether he believes humans can own other humans, a jab at his slaveholding. (00:00:45)
• 2009-10-06 · Victoria Beckham In Your Pants — John restates the 'in your pants' rule: adding the words to the end of a book title often makes it funnier, and Nerdfighters keep finding examples, the last being 'Pooh Gets Stuck'. (00:00:00)
• 2009-10-06 · Victoria Beckham In Your Pants — John says a Nerdfighter may have found an even better example: Victoria Beckham's book 'That Extra Half an Inch', subtitled 'Hair, Heels, and Everything in Between'. — hedged: “might have found” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:32)
• 2009-10-11 · Puppy Elephant Defends Capitalism — John says his basement flooded on Friday (9 October 2009), so he must take out all the carpet; fixing it will cost a fortune ('a billion dollars') and he is cranky. (00:00:10)
• 2009-10-11 · Puppy Elephant Defends Capitalism — John says that when he gets cranky, he puts Willy in his tiny elephant costume. (00:00:16)
• 2009-10-11 · Puppy Elephant Defends Capitalism — John jokes that critics who call him a left-wing communist will, for one day, call him a right-wing fascist instead. (00:00:54)
• 2009-10-11 · Puppy Elephant Defends Capitalism — John says the free market lets him get competing bids from multiple contractors, making his basement repair as cheap and efficient as possible. (00:01:27)
• 2009-10-18 · The Balloon Boy Hoax — John says the Yeti came home to find him crying with relief that the Colorado boy was not in the balloon but safe in his attic. (00:00:00)
• 2009-10-18 · The Balloon Boy Hoax — John recounts the story as first told: a six-year-old supposedly climbed into the family's flying-saucer balloon, which flew for hours before being pulled down with no child inside. (00:01:05)
• 2009-10-20 · The Bella Twins Like Paper Towns — John says that because he won, the Bella Twins, professional wrestlers, held his book and said his name. (00:00:29)
• 2009-10-20 · The Bella Twins Like Paper Towns — John jokes that he can't believe a gigantic nerd like him won a popularity contest. (00:00:29)
• 2009-10-20 · The Bella Twins Like Paper Towns — John shows the celebration video he made for YALSA, a skit in which he poses as a professional wrestler voted teens' favourite until a voice corrects him. (00:00:29)
• 2009-10-20 · The Bella Twins Like Paper Towns — John marvels that in a popularity contest his book about Walt Whitman beat Stephenie Meyer's book about hot vampires. (00:00:58)
• 2009-10-20 · The Bella Twins Like Paper Towns — John thanks the American Library Association and the WWE for supporting teen reading, especially the Bella Twins, who are strong and might beat him up. (00:01:27)
• 2009-10-25 · Fame: The Road Trip — John and the Yeti drove two and a half hours to the Container Store in Cincinnati for their new bedroom closets; John says this is why he's old. (00:00:01)
• 2009-10-25 · Fame: The Road Trip — John asks why, if Real World cast members got wealthy, they must do the Real World/Road Rules Challenge every year to support themselves. (00:02:07)
• 2009-10-25 · Fame: The Road Trip — John asks whose respect you want, the 'silverback gorilla' of your life's jungle: Ellen DeGeneres, Shakespeare or Jay-Z is fine; Lindsay Lohan calls for a hard look at yourself. (00:03:05)
• 2009-10-30 · Truth or Fail: Halloween! — John explains Truth or Fail: he gives two purported facts and viewers click the truth or fail, i.e. a treat or a trick. (00:00:00)
• 2009-10-30 · Truth or Fail: Halloween! — Option one: the mask Michael Myers wore in the film Halloween was a William Shatner mask painted white (one option is false). — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:00:00)
• 2009-10-30 · Truth or Fail: Halloween! — Option two: magician Harry Houdini died on Halloween 1926 as a result of being punched in the stomach by a college student (one option is false). — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:00:00)
• 2009-11-01 · NaNoWriMo!!! — John says his puff has grown so big that, as Sarah pointed out, it is now three puffs: baby puff, baby puff, mommy puff. (00:00:00)
• 2009-11-01 · NaNoWriMo!!! — In a comic dialogue with himself, John says that contrary to popular legend On the Road was not written in a month but in seven years. (00:00:30)
• 2009-11-01 · NaNoWriMo!!! — John likens drafting to digging clay and revision to building with it, calls that metaphor a first-draft failure, then stalls revising it into a chair metaphor. (00:01:58)
• 2009-11-01 · NaNoWriMo!!! — John adds that novelists also need an adequate supply of snacks and recommends Cub Scout popcorn. (00:02:45)
• 2009-11-03 · This Machine Pwns n00bs! — John jokes that he used his connections to obtain a leaked copy of the album. (00:00:00)
• 2009-11-03 · This Machine Pwns n00bs! — John calls Hank's anglerfish song incontestably the greatest song ever written about an anglerfish. (00:01:08)
• 2009-11-03 · This Machine Pwns n00bs! — John says the pinup poster proves Hank is the pinup brother and John the puffy brother. (00:03:19)
• 2009-11-08 · H1N1 Vaccine Fears — John says it is Sunday and announces 'no more puff'. (00:00:00)
• 2009-11-08 · H1N1 Vaccine Fears — John is 9,000 words behind on NaNoWriMo but says he is doing fantastic in 'Neanderthal November'. (00:00:00)
• 2009-11-08 · H1N1 Vaccine Fears — John says the doctor credited with curing her, Dr. Rashid Buttar, believes in urine injection therapy (filtered urine reinjected to boost immunity), which doesn't work. (00:01:49)
• 2009-11-08 · H1N1 Vaccine Fears — John says Buttar also cons late-stage cancer patients out of their money with promises of miracle cures that never come. (00:01:49)
• 2009-11-08 · H1N1 Vaccine Fears — John says that if Buttar's treatments did cure dystonia, he is a jerk for never allowing a clinical trial — as if he knows he's full of crap. (00:01:49)
• 2009-11-08 · H1N1 Vaccine Fears — John says he is not trying to enter the vaccine debate, because he fears the 'giant squids of anger'. (00:02:18)
• 2009-11-15 · Gus Is A Bug — John recalls thinking Gus Is a Bug the greatest accomplishment in literature, judging Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar good but no Gus Is a Bug. (00:00:41)
• 2009-11-15 · Gus Is A Bug — John reads the full text of Gus Is a Bug aloud as the text to illustrate: Gus has fuzz, runs, naps, tugs, and ends with no fuzz. (00:02:09)
• 2009-11-17 · Question Tuesday: The Free Money Edition — John says he is 10,000 words behind on NaNoWriMo because of the Paper Towns screenplay revision, and behind on the screenplay because of NaNoWriMo. (00:00:00)
• 2009-11-17 · Question Tuesday: The Free Money Edition — John says his books are published in Serbian and jokes that his Serbian name reads like 'Jean Green' or 'Dijon Grin'. (00:02:03)
• 2009-11-17 · Question Tuesday: The Free Money Edition — John congratulates Nerdfighters: they now get to punish him, and an official thread for discussing punishments is linked. (00:02:33)
• 2009-11-22 · Hank in FAMY — John declares November 22nd a day that will live in 'fummy' (famy), which he explains as the opposite of infamy. (00:00:00)
• 2009-11-22 · Hank in FAMY — John says Nerdfighteria has long wanted to punish Hank, but Hank keeps the rules: a video every Wednesday, a song every other Wednesday, never more than four minutes. (00:00:29)
• 2009-11-22 · Hank in FAMY — John says that when Hank does break the rules, as when he briefly uploaded a seven-minute version of his Severed Hands of Star Wars video, he argues he broke the letter but not the spirit of the law. (00:00:59)
• 2009-11-22 · Hank in FAMY — After Hank posted a video of four minutes and two seconds last week (week of 9 November 2009), he called John saying the overrun was only the subscription screen and that he is on tour. (00:00:59)
• 2009-11-22 · Hank in FAMY — John says that is what happens in a world without enforced rules; he may have to live with it in real life but will not stand for it in Nerdfighteria, and is still mad about the handball. — hedged: “might” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:28)
• 2009-11-22 · Hank in FAMY — John announces that Hank is getting punished, and says he doesn't mind his own punishment since Hank is being punished too. (00:01:57)
• 2009-11-22 · Hank in FAMY — In a coda John says his beard has become very beardy but still cannot grow over one area. (00:02:27)
• 2009-11-29 · John Reviews Twilight and New Moon — John comically summarises Twilight: Edward Cullen looks 17 but is a 107-year-old sparkly vampire who dates a 16-year-old girl, "which for some reason isn't wrong". (00:00:15)
• 2009-11-29 · John Reviews Twilight and New Moon — John's verdict: the books are insanely fun to read, the movie was pretty stupid, though Jacob Black is "insanely V-shaped in his torso". (00:03:08)
• 2009-12-01 · Shaving for Pakistan — John compares feeling like 'a failed state of a person' who doesn't know where to start making changes with Pakistan: the same problem times 180 million. (00:00:16)
• 2009-12-01 · Shaving for Pakistan — John says many families' only real schooling is madrasas, where pupils read the Quran but apparently skip its condemnation of killing women and children; Saudi oil money ('used to be our money') funds them. (00:00:42)
• 2009-12-01 · Shaving for Pakistan — John says Pakistan lacks political leadership: its president, Bhutto's widower, is qualified mainly by having been married to her, and no one good is waiting in the wings. (00:02:00)
• 2009-12-01 · Shaving for Pakistan — John says Benazir Bhutto, controversial but politically talented, was assassinated in late 2007, blaming the Pakistani Taliban, who he says keep killing talented politicians. (00:02:04)
• 2009-12-01 · Shaving for Pakistan — John reports a Nerdfighter's calculation that the extra two seconds of Hank's punished video, watched about 55,000 times, cost Nerdfighteria 26 hours; 'we want our 26 hours back'. (00:03:03)
• 2009-12-01 · Shaving for Pakistan — John sets Hank's punishment: be at the Missoula, Montana Target when it opens at 8 a.m. and stay, without leaving, until it closes 15 hours later. (00:03:17)
• 2009-12-01 · Shaving for Pakistan — Because the store closes, John adds a second punishment for the missing 11 hours: Hank buys a blender there and publicly blends and eats (or drinks) a meal of his choice in the Target restaurant. (00:03:30)
• 2009-12-01 · Shaving for Pakistan — Shaved down to a mustache by the end of the video, John signs off with a drawn-out 'Mustache!' (00:03:54)
• 2009-12-06 · LOSERS!!!! — John claims MIT's team had nerdy friends in Michigan put up a fake balloon with a fake DARPA representative to trick Nerdfighteria, which worked. (00:00:59)
• 2009-12-06 · LOSERS!!!! — John thinks Nerdfighteria would still have won except that MIT was willing to pay people for information and Nerdfighteria was not. — hedged: “I still think” [opinion marker] (00:00:59)
• 2009-12-06 · LOSERS!!!! — John thanks everyone who called the 66069 DFTBA line, from helpful sightings (Scottsdale, Union Square in San Francisco, Portland) to insane prank calls. (00:02:23)
• 2009-12-13 · Eyelash Malaria — John says he perseveres mainly for fear of further punishment, and takes off his Paisley shirt so Hank isn't punished by looking at it. (00:00:01)
• 2009-12-13 · Eyelash Malaria — John mockingly presents a new drug, Latisse, and many other eyelash products as treatments for the 'public health problem' of unluscious eyelashes. (00:00:01)
• 2009-12-13 · Eyelash Malaria — John says the 2000s were a great decade for eyelash research but not good at researching drugs for malaria. (00:00:44)
• 2009-12-13 · Eyelash Malaria — John says that as long as corporations are flush with eyelash money, we should take it from them. (00:02:05)
• 2009-12-13 · Eyelash Malaria — John declares that 'win kitty' should be a word and asks Nerdfighters what it should mean. (00:02:35)
• 2009-12-15 · In Which A Secret Is Revealed — Asked how to get an ex-girlfriend back, John recommends reading up on Buddhist non-attachment, linked in the description. (00:02:09)
• 2009-12-15 · In Which A Secret Is Revealed — In a message for a friend a viewer is in nerdfighter-like with, John says: don't freak out, think it through; it is an 'I like you if you like me' thing that needn't jeopardise the friendship. (00:02:50)
• 2009-12-15 · In Which A Secret Is Revealed — John 'discovers' a crib in his new filming spot and reveals that the Yeti, his wife, is going to have a baby. (00:03:36)
• 2009-12-17 · THE 2009 PROJECT FOR AWESOME!!! — John says coordinating in the chat lets a roving band of nerds take over the largest entertainment website in the world. (00:00:48)
• 2009-12-17 · THE 2009 PROJECT FOR AWESOME!!! — John says he and his wife are about to have their first baby (joking that she will have it and he will stand there and faint). (00:00:48)
• 2009-12-17 · THE 2009 PROJECT FOR AWESOME!!! — John says people offered baby presents, but the unborn baby already has everything; the one thing it desperately wants is an end to malaria. (00:01:17)
• 2009-12-17 · THE 2009 PROJECT FOR AWESOME!!! — John says that unlike his unborn child, viewers and he are not stuck inside amniotic sacs, so they can do something about malaria. (00:02:03)
• 2009-12-20 · Awesome Project Is Awesome — John says he is scheduled to have a baby in exactly one month, correcting as last time that Sarah will have it while he annoys her. (00:00:00)
• 2009-12-20 · Awesome Project Is Awesome — John credits WheezyWaiter with inventing the "dooblydoo", like so much else that is good and beautiful. (video description)
• 2009-12-20 · Awesome Project Is Awesome — John says the 2009 Project for Awesome was the awesomest ever, putting three years worth of awesome into 48 hours. (00:00:27)
• 2009-12-20 · Awesome Project Is Awesome — John says #P4A trended above the movie Avatar for most of the P4A; Avatar cost $250 million to make, the P4A zero dollars. (00:00:27)
• 2009-12-20 · Awesome Project Is Awesome — John explains 'French the llama': he kept seeing 'world suck FTL' in comments; FTL means 'for the lose', but a nerdfighter told him it means 'French the llama'. (00:02:21)
• 2009-12-20 · Awesome Project Is Awesome — John thinks 'French the llama' should be an exclamation of amazement. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:21)
• 2009-12-22 · John and Hank Take on X-Scape! — John asks Hank to say 'Good morning, John' so he can reply 'Good morning'; Hank notes they have had that idea before, John says it is still funny. (00:00:00)
• 2009-12-22 · John and Hank Take on X-Scape! — Hank and John are filming together ('We're together!'). (00:00:11)
• 2009-12-22 · John and Hank Take on X-Scape! — John refuses the ride: he literally wouldn't do it for a thousand dollars, and might not for ten thousand. (00:03:04)
• 2009-12-27 · How To Be a Nerdfighter: A Vlogbrothers FAQ — John defines a Nerdfighter as a person made entirely of awesome instead of bones, skin and tissue; Nerdfighters don't fight nerds but are pro-nerd. (00:00:14)
• 2009-12-27 · How To Be a Nerdfighter: A Vlogbrothers FAQ — John says they asked natural selection for puppy-sized elephants, adorable enough to have an evolutionary advantage, and are waiting. (00:01:41)
• 2009-12-27 · How To Be a Nerdfighter: A Vlogbrothers FAQ — John says his puff level is the height of the puff in his hair, which rises as he gets more stressed. (00:02:09)
• 2009-12-27 · How To Be a Nerdfighter: A Vlogbrothers FAQ — John says 'in your pants' was discovered by Maureen Johnson: adding it to book titles makes them funnier, e.g. The Sun Also Rises and A Spot of Bother. (00:02:38)
• 2009-12-29 · Adorable Puppy Explains Health Care Bill — John says Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson sold his vote, shown wearing an 'asshat'. (00:02:40)

Hank

890 statements · sincere 62% · playful 33% · other bits 4% · hedged or unsure 14%

Sincere but hedged (87)

Split by hedge type (derived from the quoted hedge words with a fixed word list — see the overview): epistemic doubt 30 · wish / hope 9 · opinion marker 31 · other hedge 17.

Epistemic doubt (30)

real uncertainty about whether it is true

• 2009-01-01 · Brotherhood 2.0.0.9 — Later in the week there may be a surprise video, so viewers who like surprise and those who like structure both get what they want. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:48)
• 2009-01-06 · The Rock-Afire Explosion Controversy — Hank points to the band's version of 'They Say It's Your Birthday', though he is not sure it was the song on the LP he owned; he wishes he still had that LP. — hedged: “I'm not sure” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:39)
• 2009-01-07 · Hank Green: Behind the Music — From tomorrow So Jokes can be ordered at DFTBA.com and ships immediately; Hank asks viewers to check it out, saying he worked hard on it and is proud of it. — hedged: “might” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:31)
• 2009-01-20 · Hank's Journal!!! — Hank goes through a gigantic journal from high school, including fancy drawings of organic compounds, one maybe the first step of the Krebs cycle. — hedged: “I think it may be” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
• 2009-01-21 · Google Verb! A Meme. — Hank says he is a big fan of old Myspace memes, wishes they had not gone away and brings one into Brotherhood 2.0. — hedged: “kinda” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:11)
• 2009-02-03 · Five Parts — Hank says viewers are split on the new intro (too impersonal, music sucks, love it) and asks what they think, as the brothers are considering maybe a new intro or song. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:23)
• 2009-02-04 · 51 Jokes (in Four Minutes) — Hank says he might make another joke video like this. — hedged: “might” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:43)
• 2009-02-18 · Winners and Winners and Ningmasters — Hank expects everyone will probably just call it the Anglerfish Song, though the long version will be its full title. — hedged: “I think we'll probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:19)
• 2009-04-08 · Become a Time Traveller TODAY! — Hank names the first problem with time travel: the grandfather paradox, which might unravel the universe and seems a loophole the universe wouldn't allow. — hedged: “might” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:18)
• 2009-04-08 · Become a Time Traveller TODAY! — Hank says on a near-light-speed interstellar journey perhaps only a couple of years pass for the traveller while tens to thousands pass for the universe. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:34)
• 2009-05-20 · Ulcerative Colitis: A Song — Asked about another album, Hank says he will put one out, but does not know when. — hedged: “I don't know when it's going to be out” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:20)
• 2009-06-10 · WIDE ANGLE LENS! And Not Eating Fat Sandwiches — Hank says the audio and video of John's video won't sync; they are pretty sure it is a YouTube problem because the video is fine on John's computer. — hedged: “we're pretty sure” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:21)
• 2009-07-07 · Too Much Love will KILL YOU — Hank says that when tragedies happen we feel obliged to care and assume the only way to care is the way we care for spouses, cats, kids and dads. — hedged: “I imagine” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:58)
• 2009-07-17 · Selling Out, Chewbacca and Taking Leave — Hank says the brothers far prefer selling stuff to advertisements, which he feels are a little dirty. — hedged: “I kind of feel like” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:25)
• 2009-08-19 · The Political Situation at the County Fair — Hank suggests tying money to a doctor's duty makes it hard to separate profit from best advice, since patients trust doctors and don't price-shop procedures. — hedged: “I imagine” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:00)
• 2009-09-15 · Internetless in Maine — Hank says long stretches without the internet leave him with colossal amounts of brain crack, since when not doing things he thinks about things to do. — hedged: “I guess” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:45)
• 2009-09-25 · Fake John Green : New Album : Shirts — Hank says the fake John Green DailyBooth has been consistently hilarious for weeks and he is impressed; signing up for it would 'probably' be a good idea. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:58)
• 2009-10-21 · Balloon Boy: A Short Song — Hank says there's probably no reason to be surprised, since such hoaxes have happened hundreds of times since news media began. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:09)
• 2009-10-21 · Balloon Boy: A Short Song — Hank will probably post the track list on Twitter (twitter.com/hankgreen) and says viewers can also follow him on DailyBooth. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:15)
• 2009-10-22 · The Top 10 Greatest Hoaxes of All Time — Hank says Edgar Allan Poe convinced a newspaper reporter that a man had flown across the Atlantic in a balloon in three days, apparently just to prove he could. — hedged: “Apparently” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:58)
• 2009-10-22 · The Top 10 Greatest Hoaxes of All Time — Hank calls The War of the Worlds broadcast, which he credits to H. G. Wells, possibly the greatest hoax and probably accidental; listeners believed Martians attacked, and an Ecuadorian rebroadcast killed 20 people. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:12)
• 2009-10-28 · We Win When Everyone Wins — Hank tells John that Nerdfighters are a tribe, a very advanced one: on average probably about a level-four tribe. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
• 2009-10-29 · EMBARASSMENT: The Live Show — Hank says he may also play some songs in the live show. — hedged: “may” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:24)
• 2009-10-31 · Vegas Baby...It's like...well. Hrmm — Hank says he will probably be in Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Diego or Phoenix soon, so people there need not drive far to see him this once. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:27)
• 2009-11-07 · The TOUR DE HANK!!! — Hank says he may review the phone later. — hedged: “Maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:32)
• 2009-11-07 · The TOUR DE HANK!!! — Hank says small and medium album bundles are sold out, large to extra-extra-large remain, and they may reprint the shirts but have not decided. — hedged: “which we may do, but we haven't decided yet” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:31)
• 2009-11-07 · The TOUR DE HANK!!! — Hank says people coming to his tour stops (San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego, Phoenix, Portland, Seattle) probably should not order the CD, since he will reach them first; they can buy it there. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:00)
• 2009-12-09 · ANNOUNCING! VidCon: Online Video IRL — Hank says he and John decided a couple of months ago to create a real-life online video conference bringing the best online video creators and their communities together for an epic weekend. — hedged: “I guess” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
• 2009-12-09 · ANNOUNCING! VidCon: Online Video IRL — Hank says probably about 100,000 people will watch this video. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:04)
• 2009-12-30 · The STUPIDEST NEWS STORIES of 2009 (a song) — Hank thanks John and Nerdfighteria for making 2009 an amazing year, more than he expected, and hopes 2010 can be even better. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:03:45)

Wish / hope (9)

a wish about the future, not a claim about what is true

• 2009-01-01 · Brotherhood 2.0.0.9 — Hank hopes viewers will accept the brothers doing whatever they want, since nothing beats doing it with John. — hedged: “I hope” [wish / hope] (00:02:41)
• 2009-01-16 · Hank Green from the Detroit Auto Show — Hank says the Toyota FT-EV is like a smart car but cheaper and fully electric, and that Toyota may make it around 2012 if it ever exists. — hedged: “hopefully” [wish / hope] (00:00:58)
• 2009-05-06 · Dead Boy's Girlfriend — Hank hopes even the non-Harry Potter Nerdfighters enjoyed the song. — hedged: “I hope” [wish / hope] (00:03:46)
• 2009-05-08 · Star Trek: The Movie, Review — Overall Hank found the film very fun and well done, a little less cerebral than he likes Star Trek to be, and hopes it begins a new franchise. — hedged: “I honestly hope” [wish / hope] (00:02:03)
• 2009-06-23 · Fighting the Flame War! — Hank thanks viewers for considering the Video Volunteers program and hopes to see them making video volunteer videos soon. — hedged: “I hope” [wish / hope] (00:03:38)
• 2009-07-30 · Mules are so Half-Ass — Hank hopes Canon will honor the warranty on his non-functioning camcorder. — hedged: “Hopefully” [wish / hope] (00:00:00)
• 2009-08-04 · Twitter Games and Truth or Fail — Hank hopes to fit all the sentences in, maybe not given his four minutes, and muses about working them into a song 'written by Twitter'. — hedged: “Hopefully” [wish / hope] (00:01:22)
• 2009-08-19 · The Political Situation at the County Fair — Hank recommends a long New Yorker article linked in the sidebar on why US health spending is so large, hopes all Nerdfighters read it and wants to discuss it with John. — hedged: “I hope” [wish / hope] (00:03:30)
• 2009-11-07 · The TOUR DE HANK!!! — Hank hopes everyone near the tour stops will come and share the experience with him. — hedged: “I hope” [wish / hope] (00:02:29)

Opinion marker (31)

marks a view as the speaker's own; not doubt

• 2009-01-07 · Hank Green: Behind the Music — On the stream Hank will play music and talk about the album, Song Wednesdays, the future of Brotherhood 2.0 and DFTBA Records, starting around 5 pm Eastern. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:31)
• 2009-01-14 · TIny Cars SUCK! — Hank plans to follow John's lead next Tuesday (20 January 2009) and go through his own old journals, and reads two sample entries. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:42)
• 2009-01-16 · Hank Green from the Detroit Auto Show — Hank praises a fuel-efficient, cheap hybrid he expects at about $18,500 base price, opening hybrids to more buyers, himself included. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:33)
• 2009-02-03 · Five Parts — Hank says he thinks the book has a lot to say about nerdfighting, in several different ways. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:01:20)
• 2009-03-03 · Eating Man Meat — Hank argues that splitting people into non-meat-eaters and full meat-eaters leaves perhaps 5% eating none and 95% eating as much as ever, which is not what is needed. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:15)
• 2009-03-03 · Eating Man Meat — Hank proposes a coalition of meat eaters for eating less meat. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:44)
• 2009-03-18 · Dr. Manhattan's Dangle and Brain Crack — Hank calls brain crack one of the fundamental gifts Ze Frank has given the world and links Ze Frank's brain crack video. — hedged: “I believe” [opinion marker] (00:00:00)
• 2009-03-18 · Dr. Manhattan's Dangle and Brain Crack — Idea two: since a death over 80 is less tragic than at 40 or 20, Hank wants a death index ranking causes by years of life lost, raising car accidents and lowering heart disease and cancer. — hedged: “i think” [opinion marker] (00:01:19)
• 2009-03-18 · Dr. Manhattan's Dangle and Brain Crack — Idea four: a supermarket recipe kiosk joining recipes to store inventory, giving recipe, calories, cost and a grocery list with item locations; Hank likes it because he never knows what to cook. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:33)
• 2009-03-18 · Lighting Candles for Rwanda — Hank thinks everyone can be ashamed of the world's inaction, and that humanity requires us to be ashamed of it. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:57)
• 2009-04-01 · A Few Of My Favorite Things — Hank argues people dwell on what they dislike and take what they like for granted; dwelling as intensely on life's great things would be fantastic. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:29)
• 2009-04-01 · A Few Of My Favorite Things — Hank apologises for not yet being dressed as Carrie Bradshaw and says he thinks he will make up for it tomorrow. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:03:38)
• 2009-04-28 · 10 Book Reviews in 4 Minutes — A self-declared Le Guin fan, Hank says her Powers trilogy makes us imagine worlds as they have been or could be and the people in them, showing amazing people come from all circumstances. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:29)
• 2009-05-08 · Star Trek: The Movie, Review — Hank loved Bones and the Bones-Kirk friendship, and thinks the Kirk-Spock relationship built on opposing views was very well done. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:03)
• 2009-05-08 · Star Trek: The Movie, Review — Hank says time travel in movies generally annoys him as a kind of cheating, admitting the irony for a lover of the Evil Baby Orphanage. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:38)
• 2009-05-13 · My Birthday Rocks — The first item Hank opened shows what he thinks is a Raving Rabbid and has a corn dog with a candle in it; he thanks the sender. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:00)
• 2009-05-26 · A Message to the Class of 2009 — Hank's main message: do not trust anyone who tells graduates how the world is going to be for them. — hedged: “I think mostly” [opinion marker] (00:00:26)
• 2009-05-26 · A Message to the Class of 2009 — Hank says the days of being satisfied as an expert in one field are over; graduates will have to be the men and women of the new Renaissance. — hedged: “I think you know this” [opinion marker] (00:01:22)
• 2009-06-23 · Fighting the Flame War! — Answering why someone who thinks the world sucks lives on it, Hank says one of the great things about being on the world is getting to make it suck less. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:53)
• 2009-07-15 · This Isn't Hogwarts! A Harry Potter Song — Hank says he wrote the song partly because he truly believes the US school system is degrading quickly and thinks it could learn from Hogwarts. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:03:02)
• 2009-08-19 · The Political Situation at the County Fair — Hank calls this the real problem of US health care: doctors' responsibility to patients must be decoupled from the money they make from them. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:03:00)
• 2009-09-09 · Television Crime Shows Suck — Hank asks viewers to submit clips of themselves doing a gesture he demonstrates, to be used to end the show; he will add the noise. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:03:31)
• 2009-09-16 · #@$%#!!! From Maine — Brain crack: Hank wants a wristwatch or head clamp that tracks his sleep cycle and wakes him at the right moment, coming out of REM sleep. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:14)
• 2009-10-21 · Balloon Boy: A Short Song — Hank says he'll save what Balloon Boy tells us about America for tomorrow, when he thinks he'll talk about hoaxes being nothing new. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:09)
• 2009-10-22 · The Top 10 Greatest Hoaxes of All Time — Hank concludes that we're not that hard to fool, and that we should probably just accept that and trust people anyway. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:03:41)
• 2009-10-28 · We Win When Everyone Wins — Hank thinks Nerdfighteria is level four: it operates on the assumption 'we are great', which lets it do awesome things like happy dance projects and yearly charity gatherings on YouTube. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:51)
• 2009-10-28 · We Win When Everyone Wins — Hank concludes that if 60,000 people watch this, a Michelangelo, a Da Vinci, a Machiavelli and a Raphael are watching right now; it's about what you think you can do and your community. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:01:21)
• 2009-11-04 · Please Buy My Album (A Song / Medley) — Hank thanks everyone supporting YouTube musicians and says he thinks all Nerdfighters will enjoy the album. — hedged: “I really think” [opinion marker] (00:03:19)
• 2009-12-08 · Announcing the 2009 Project for Awesome!!! — Hank thinks DARPA wanted to learn how easily a group can be rapidly mobilised for a task, whether finding balloons, a missing child or blowing up strategic targets. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:29)
• 2009-12-08 · Announcing the 2009 Project for Awesome!!! — Hank says all is fair in love, war and balloon challenges: MIT did a fantastic job, MIT students are among Nerdfighteria, and nerds can't turn on other nerds; it was a well-played game. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:01:36)
• 2009-12-09 · ANNOUNCING! VidCon: Online Video IRL — Hank says these creators' success rests not on marketing budgets or beauty but on the raw ability to entertain and to bring people into communities that watch every new video, not just viral moments. — hedged: “what I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:06)

Other hedge (17)

a hedge that matches none of the word lists

• 2009-01-16 · Hank Green from the Detroit Auto Show — Hank advises car buyers that the 2010 Prius looks like a good choice, the Honda Insight saves money (though less gas), and the Volt is coming soon. — hedged: “it looks like” [other hedge] (00:03:02)
• 2009-01-20 · Hank's Journal!!! — Hank tells John he appears in the journal at least twice, though Hank was never in John's journal; one entry is about John and Marie, apparently discussing phenomenology or something. — hedged: “or something” [other hedge] (00:02:52)
• 2009-03-18 · Dr. Manhattan's Dangle and Brain Crack — Hank says he is addicted to brain crack: he feels he lacks the time or resources to realise many ideas, though admits this may be a rationalisation, so he will share them instead. — hedged: “it is possible” [other hedge] (00:00:50)
• 2009-03-18 · Dr. Manhattan's Dangle and Brain Crack — Hank thinks decisions should weigh not just how many people things kill but at what age, even if the picture might not change much. — hedged: “I don't even know if” [other hedge] (00:02:03)
• 2009-03-18 · Lighting Candles for Rwanda — Hank has heard John's screenplay is finished and going over well with his 'Hollywood overlord'; he is excited about it and about seeing Netherlands footage. — hedged: “I've heard” [other hedge] (00:02:14)
• 2009-06-20 · Neck Beards and Fitness Challenges — Hank says the world isn't fair, and if it were their lives would be worse: most viewers likely live far better than the average person, with clean water, a roof and hot showers. — hedged: “chances are” [other hedge] (00:00:58)
• 2009-07-07 · Too Much Love will KILL YOU — Prompted by a Nerdfighter's YouTube message, Hank says he mostly reacts to tragedies by feeling bad or feeling bad for not feeling bad, and this helps no one. — hedged: “I just don't think” [other hedge] (00:00:00)
• 2009-07-17 · Selling Out, Chewbacca and Taking Leave — Hank says he is happy to be part of the CD, hopes some viewers will buy it, and points to a music video for one of its songs at the end of his video. — hedged: “hoping” [other hedge] (00:02:31)
• 2009-08-04 · Twitter Games and Truth or Fail — Hank says Twitter is, as he gathers, for saying things in 140 characters or less. — hedged: “I gather” [other hedge] (00:00:53)
• 2009-09-25 · Fake John Green : New Album : Shirts — Hank says the track list is not final but it looks like at least 15 studio tracks; the cover design is under way and a 'super secret surprise' may be involved. — hedged: “it's looking like” [other hedge] (00:01:27)
• 2009-09-25 · Fake John Green : New Album : Shirts — Hank says there is a chance he will tour the western US with the new album, though it comes out soon and he is not guaranteeing anything; the Tour de Nerdfighting covered the east. — hedged: “There is also a chance” [other hedge] (00:01:56)
• 2009-10-21 · Balloon Boy: A Short Song — Hank hopes to release the album on November 16, about a month away; it has 17 songs, none duplicates or talking tracks. — hedged: “hoping” [other hedge] (00:03:15)
• 2009-10-22 · The Top 10 Greatest Hoaxes of All Time — Hank recalls a hoax from around 1995 that Mars would look as big as the moon in that night's sky. — hedged: “like 1995” [other hedge] (00:00:29)
• 2009-10-22 · The Top 10 Greatest Hoaxes of All Time — Hank says that around 1917 some girls photographed themselves with fairy cutouts, and people, new to photographs, believed in fairies. — hedged: “around 1917” [other hedge] (00:00:29)
• 2009-10-22 · The Top 10 Greatest Hoaxes of All Time — Hank says that in 1835 the New York Sun ran a six-part series, by astronomer John Herschel, about people and beasts on the moon; people believed it for six weeks and the Sun's subscriptions rose for good. — hedged: “like six straight weeks” [other hedge] (00:02:43)
• 2009-12-03 · $40,000 of Red Balloons — Hank expects lots of misinformation, so team members must be ready to check that a reported nearby balloon is a real DARPA balloon where people said. — hedged: “we expect” [other hedge] (00:01:53)
• 2009-12-08 · Announcing the 2009 Project for Awesome!!! — Hank says John's punishment is still undecided; he floats John watching every Vlogbrothers video in order without sleeping (about 26 hours) and asks for suggestions in comments. — hedged: “I was thinking” [other hedge] (00:03:04)

Satire (7)

a mock position (e.g. a fake moral panic) — the opposite of what is meant

• 2009-01-14 · TIny Cars SUCK! — In the song Hank voices a driver who wants a huge V8 Hemi getting two or three gallons to the mile and finds the show's small cars not worth his time. (00:00:42)
• 2009-01-14 · TIny Cars SUCK! — The song's narrator links tiny cars with living in France and being a commie, says the Mini Cooper makes him ill and consigns the smart car to hell. (00:00:42)
• 2009-10-13 · Nine Die in Georgia Floods - Kanye is a Jackass — Hank sarcastically says he missed the flood news because some supposedly bigger national story (per the title and description, Kanye West) overshadowed it. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:34)
• 2009-10-21 · Balloon Boy: A Short Song — Singing as the Balloon Boy, Hank has him say everyone thought he was in the balloon while he hid in a box; his dad 'needs a shrink', and now he's famous too. (00:00:00)
• 2009-10-21 · Balloon Boy: A Short Song — The song says the dad cut the balloon loose and called the Colorado local news; viewers feared the boy might die while he was in the attic, and he puked on national news. (00:00:58)
• 2009-10-21 · Balloon Boy: A Short Song — In the song the boy notes everyone wants his dad taken away for contributing to his delinquency, and asks whether they'll ever get another TV show. (00:01:40)
• 2009-10-24 · Truth or Fail: HOAXES! — Hank mocks the idea that being on a reality TV show is 'the one certain path to true and final happiness'. (00:00:00)

Parody (4)

imitating a genre or a person (mock documentary, mock critic)

• 2009-01-07 · Hank Green: Behind the Music — In mock-documentary narration, Hank's fame has taken him everywhere worth being, from YouTube's front page to Ames, Iowa. (00:00:00)
• 2009-01-28 · Stock Adviser (Via Britney) — In the song 'Stock Advisor', the narrator trusts an advisor who said stocks always go up; after a market crash half their savings are gone and they cannot retire until 85. (00:01:01)
• 2009-03-11 · I'm Not Edward Cullen: A Song — In song, Hank plays a boyfriend whose girlfriend won't love him because he isn't Edward Cullen, though he can wear sparkly makeup and golden contacts. (00:00:32)
• 2009-05-26 · A Message to the Class of 2009 — Hank recites graduation clichés (you're about to change the world, you have more learning to do, welcome to the real world) and says graduation speeches all sound like this. (00:00:13)

Fiction (9)

a story or novel read aloud; the words belong to characters

• 2009-03-25 · Squirrel Attack! — In an Irish-accented song, the narrator tells how Scuzzy Kizoozle Curl, a six-ounce homicidal squirrel, cut through a county fair crowd and bit him; he alone survived. (00:01:10)
• 2009-04-08 · It All Makes Sense at the End — In the song, a narrator near the end of his life does calculations to figure out how his life was spent. (00:00:15)
• 2009-04-08 · It All Makes Sense at the End — The narrator's tally: 27 years in bed, two chewing, six months wooing, almost three pooing, 25 working for a hated boss, but 57 loving 'you', so it all makes sense. (00:00:32)
• 2009-04-08 · It All Makes Sense at the End — The narrator regrets over seven years of watching television but says he will never know how long he spent looking into the beloved's eyes. (00:01:19)
• 2009-04-08 · It All Makes Sense at the End — The narrator has understood life only through numbers: 80 years alive, 57 with 'you', yet it somehow is never quite enough time. (00:02:12)
• 2009-06-24 · LOLCat with a Ball Bat — The narrator tells a rhyming story: a lolcat with a ball bat sees a small gnat in a tall hat on the hall wall and swats it, and is left alone. (00:00:03)
• 2009-07-15 · This Isn't Hogwarts! A Harry Potter Song — In the song, a student hates public school, a 'concrete box' where pictures never talk and teachers don't care, and wishes it were Hogwarts. (00:00:51)
• 2009-07-15 · This Isn't Hogwarts! A Harry Potter Song — The narrator sings he is proud to be a nerd, but public school is no place for a wizard. (00:00:51)
• 2009-09-23 · Where's Margo! A Nerdfighter Event! — The song retells Paper Towns: Margo disappears, the searchers follow her tracks, and in searching for her you find yourself instead. (00:00:34)

Joke (19)

a gag; not a claim

• 2009-02-18 · Fake Movie Talk With A Sock — Hank and Hank Sock list current movies that would be better with one title word changed (Gorilla Wars, Rise of the Ligers, Hotel for Ligers, Paul Blart Small Cop, Anything Else-aholic). (00:00:27)
• 2009-02-25 · I Know (A Song in Ten Words) — Hank says the tiny chicken, remembered by long-time viewers, has returned and is laying tiny eggs in his brain that come out of his nose. (00:01:34)
• 2009-02-25 · I Know (A Song in Ten Words) — Hank claims no ventriloquist can do what he does - he sings while a puppet 'sings' harmony - then admits he is not actually a ventriloquist. (00:02:02)
• 2009-03-25 · Squirrel Attack! — Hank jokingly claims squirrels have names made of a vocal component and a tail movement. (00:00:48)
• 2009-04-30 · A GOAT GIVING BIRTH — In song, Hank calls the goat birth the miracle of life but really gross; all he wants is to turn the camera off and hide. (00:01:05)
• 2009-06-23 · Fighting the Flame War! — Hank jokes that John's bookshelf holds lame books like the Norton Anthology of English Literature while his own holds awesome ones. (00:01:29)
• 2009-07-01 · Most Subscribed: A Song — Hank sings that KevJumba stole the brothers' giraffe-sex thumbnail. (00:00:27)
• 2009-07-07 · Too Much Love will KILL YOU — Hank jokes that one fun way to fix the world is to vote Chewbacca and Solo in 2012. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:03:10)
• 2009-07-17 · Selling Out, Chewbacca and Taking Leave — Hank adds a reason Chewbacca can't be president: he owes Han Solo a life debt, so the president would jump in front of a blaster bolt to save his vice president. (00:00:00)
• 2009-07-30 · Mules are so Half-Ass — Hank performs a pun song whose chorus is 'I really hate mules, 'cause they're so half-assed'. (00:00:29)
• 2009-08-12 · Vegetables that look like Penises — Hank sings a song dedicated to vegetables that look like penises, listing several of them and lamenting that they were meant as food but became a source of juvenile laughter. (00:00:11)
• 2009-08-18 · So Jokes: Video EP — The song lists stories Hank wants told (Harry's sons, Grindelwald and Dumbledore, the veil, Hagrid's parents) and proposes joke titles such as 'Harry Potter and the Nerdfighters'. (00:00:10)
• 2009-08-18 · So Jokes: Video EP — In the song 'Helen Hunt', Hank comically declares a crush on Helen Hunt dating from puberty, punning on her film and TV titles and on sharing the name Hank with her husband. (00:03:19)
• 2009-08-18 · So Jokes: Video EP — In a comic rant song, Hank threatens to kill everyday offenders, a rude express-lane customer, an SUV-buying neighbour and a noisy upstairs neighbour, while calling himself 'usually a very peaceful person'. (00:13:16)
• 2009-08-19 · The Political Situation at the County Fair — Hank jokes that demolition derbies are the original Cash for Clunkers and would remove far more cars with a $4,500 prize to each winner. (00:02:02)
• 2009-08-26 · DEMOLITION DERBY! — The song jokes that old cars shouldn't let a 'death panel' choose how they die; Cash for Clunkers pays four thousand bucks, but the demolition derby is a more exciting way to ditch them. (00:01:23)
• 2009-10-28 · Mad Science with Dr. Horrible (Hank) — Hank says (as a prank pretext) that Dr. Suzanne Martin contacted him about using Nerdfighters in an experiment on how hearing interacts with seeing, tracked by eye-motion software. (00:00:26)
• 2009-12-22 · John and Hank Take on X-Scape! — Hank jokingly declares a punishment: making John ride the Frog Hopper. (00:03:00)
• 2009-12-30 · The STUPIDEST NEWS STORIES of 2009 (a song) — The song mocks a protester proudly holding a sign calling himself a Teabagger and says, whatever the revolution means, the news was an illusion. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:01:54)

Playful (296)

a real point made in a joking way; the paraphrase records the meant core

• 2009-01-01 · Brotherhood 2.0.0.9 — Hank reads 'Auld Lang Syne' as asking whether Hank and John should make more videos in 2009, and answers yes. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:00)
• 2009-01-01 · Brotherhood 2.0.0.9 — Hank restages his first Brotherhood 2.0 video from two years ago, including the camera glitch and the eye reflection, admitting he then did not know how to make videos. (00:00:37)
• 2009-01-01 · Brotherhood 2.0.0.9 — Restaging his first video, Hank reverses its no-textual-communication line: this time the brothers will be communicating through textual means. (00:00:37)
• 2009-01-01 · Brotherhood 2.0.0.9 — Hank says John's news videos were one of the coolest things they did in Brotherhood 2.0: blissful ignorance is nothing compared to the crushing weight of the truth. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:01:19)
• 2009-01-01 · Brotherhood 2.0.0.9 — Hank wants John's Sunday news videos to be good, comprehensive and in-depth, though John may also eat toilet paper or smear peanut butter on his face. (00:01:48)
• 2009-01-06 · The Rock-Afire Explosion Controversy — Hank says the brothers' brotherhood very likely will not survive John's slander of Showbiz Pizza's Rock-afire Explosion band. — hedged: “I think it's very likely” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
• 2009-01-06 · The Rock-Afire Explosion Controversy — Hank explains that the Rock-afire Explosion was an animatronic band, likely the premier new media of its decade, something never seen again except in YouTube clips. — hedged: “likely” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
• 2009-01-06 · The Rock-Afire Explosion Controversy — Hank says he honestly believes the Rock-afire Explosion created great music and will not rescind his love. (00:00:39)
• 2009-01-06 · The Rock-Afire Explosion Controversy — Reopening Firefox with all his old tabs made every YouTube clip play at once and overheated his processor; Hank thinks he needs a new computer. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:39)
• 2009-01-06 · The Rock-Afire Explosion Controversy — Hank introduces the band: keyboard gorilla Fatz Geronimo, drummer Dook LaRue (his favourite), Mitzi Mozzarella, Beach Bear, Looney Bird and Billy Bob Brockali. (00:01:12)
• 2009-01-06 · The Rock-Afire Explosion Controversy — Hank reminds John that last night, after Hank showed him Rock-afire videos, John said he could hardly believe it and that it was so beautiful. (00:01:48)
• 2009-01-06 · The Rock-Afire Explosion Controversy — Hank refuses to take it back: Showbiz Pizza no longer existing doesn't stop him liking the band, just as John Lennon's shooting doesn't stop him liking the Beatles. (00:01:48)
• 2009-01-07 · Hank Green: Behind the Music — The narration says Hank's relationship with his Rock-afire-hating brother John is at its limit; Hank asks whether John has even heard the band's Beatles medley. (00:00:00)
• 2009-01-07 · Hank Green: Behind the Music — Hank notes So Jokes isn't out yet but jokes it will be internationally best-selling, depending on the definition. (00:00:29)
• 2009-01-07 · Hank Green: Behind the Music — Hank recorded many of his YouTube hits with Schmidt, who he says owns THE music studio in Missoula, played on Weezer albums and made music for That '70s Show. (00:01:03)
• 2009-01-16 · Hank Green from the Detroit Auto Show — Hank says the Tesla Roadster is beyond his budget; the show displays both its Lotus-designed shell and its internals, which he likens to a powerful, expensive go-kart. (00:02:33)
• 2009-01-20 · Hank's Journal!!! — After rewatching many old Brotherhood 2.0 videos, Hank says he is very certain he is getting better at vlogging. (00:00:00)
• 2009-01-20 · Hank's Journal!!! — Hank reads an embarrassing teenage rap about working on viruses at his computer, and concludes he apparently liked to rap about hacking. (00:02:04)
• 2009-01-21 · Google Verb! A Meme. — Hank opens by noting he has a new haircut but is wearing the same clothes as yesterday. (00:00:00)
• 2009-01-21 · Google Verb! A Meme. — Hank reads results such as 'Hank looks like a pretty princess', which he says really was about him: a video title referring to his 'World Wide Web Girl' video with pigtails. (00:00:40)
• 2009-01-21 · Google Verb! A Meme. — Other results have Hank preparing a body for shipping, watching men pee on Flickr, eating bacon grease, rafting the Zambezi and robbing a Greek bank; he insists he isn't making them up. (00:01:07)
• 2009-01-31 · There's a Solar Farm in My HANDS!!! — Hank says the augmented-reality hologram technology itself won't obviously save the world, but solar panels will. (00:00:00)
• 2009-02-03 · Five Parts — Hank says he can never do parts videos because he forgets his parts and adds new ones midway; he miscounts throughout, calling the last part 'part four' before guessing it is five. (00:00:00)
• 2009-02-03 · Five Parts — Hank votes for a short intro: a 30-minute sitcom suits a 30-second intro, so a three-minute video should have a three-second intro. (00:00:23)
• 2009-02-03 · Five Parts — Hank relays a Nerdfighter's request to ask a named Nerdfighter to marry him, votes yes (partly so he'll stop emailing), while stressing her free choice. (00:00:50)
• 2009-02-04 · 51 Jokes (in Four Minutes) — Hank sets out to fit 51 jokes into one four-minute video. (00:00:01)
• 2009-02-11 · A Song About an Anglerfish — The description admits the song sounds like They Might Be Giants, adding that all songs should. (video description)
• 2009-02-11 · A Song About an Anglerfish — In the song, Hank says that after being burned in love he found an animal that doesn't feel this pain: the deep-sea anglerfish. (00:00:33)
• 2009-02-11 · A Song About an Anglerfish — The song says the male deep-sea anglerfish becomes a sperm-producing parasite that never leaves the female's side until she dies. (00:01:07)
• 2009-02-18 · Fake Movie Talk With A Sock — Hank reintroduces his Hank Sock, which can now talk; the two are going on the road as a ventriloquist act. (00:00:00)
• 2009-02-18 · Fake Movie Talk With A Sock — Instead, she came up to the attic to put away her Christmas tree stand, found him there, he proposed and she said yes; Hank and the sock congratulate the couple. (00:02:19)
• 2009-02-18 · Fake Movie Talk With A Sock — Asked where the sidebar is, Hank admits he is never totally sure which side it is on. (00:02:48)
• 2009-02-18 · Winners and Winners and Ningmasters — Hank says Ningmaster Benny Boo Boo has a banana suit and will do whatever they ask while wearing it, and asks viewers for suggestions in the comments. (00:03:26)
• 2009-02-25 · I Know (A Song in Ten Words) — Hank performs a song that he says uses only ten words. (00:00:03)
• 2009-02-25 · I Know (A Song in Ten Words) — Hank says he has been struck down by the flu ('the evil goddess Influenza'). (00:01:27)
• 2009-02-25 · I Know (A Song in Ten Words) — Hank advises against working on the riddles while on NyQuil, which makes things more difficult. (00:02:47)
• 2009-02-25 · I Know (A Song in Ten Words) — Hank has to go to sleep and do his taxes, and will try to do both at once. (00:02:52)
• 2009-03-03 · Eating Man Meat — Hank, wearing short sleeves because he is in Florida, says the tiny chickens have nearly left his system and remain only in his larynx; otherwise he feels well. (00:00:00)
• 2009-03-03 · Eating Man Meat — Hank reports that PETA's president has rewritten her will, asking that her body's meat be used as meat, her hide for purses, her legs for umbrella stands and an eye sent to the EPA. — hedged: “apparently” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
• 2009-03-03 · Eating Man Meat — Hank says he thinks the PETA president's wish to have her body used as meat is a fine idea. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:00)
• 2009-03-03 · Eating Man Meat — Hank tries a meatless corn dog, cooked in the microwave, and finds it surprisingly good, though he wouldn't call it a corn dog. (00:00:45)
• 2009-03-03 · Eating Man Meat — Hank says a meatless corn dog has 67% less fat than a real one, so he can eat about three. (00:01:16)
• 2009-03-04 · Truth or Fail! START HERE — Question one: either John won his first writing award at age eight, or 'Helen Hunt' is the oldest Hank Green song viewers have heard. (00:00:00)
• 2009-03-05 · TRUTH OR FAIL!!! (START HERE) (re-try...with more info) — 'Hank from the future' explains the opening was recorded long ago and he is now away from home, stumbling over the word for a baby mobile. (00:00:00)
• 2009-03-05 · TRUTH OR FAIL!!! (START HERE) (re-try...with more info) — Question one is repeated: John's first writing award at age eight, or 'Helen Hunt' as the oldest Hank Green song viewers have heard. (00:00:45)
• 2009-03-18 · Dr. Manhattan's Dangle and Brain Crack — Hank admits he created a Facebook fan page for Dr. Manhattan's dong yesterday, became a fan, and sings a short ditty about it. (00:00:00)
• 2009-03-18 · Dr. Manhattan's Dangle and Brain Crack — Idea one: a charity database like match.com where a survey matches you with charities aligned with your interests, so you can be a good person more quickly and with less effort. (00:01:19)
• 2009-03-18 · Dr. Manhattan's Dangle and Brain Crack — Idea three: buttfires.com, an e-greeting service for nudging someone you've been expecting to send something, like a proposal - an online fire under their backside. (00:02:03)
• 2009-03-18 · Dr. Manhattan's Dangle and Brain Crack — Idea five: since Stuff on My Cat works, stuffonbabies.com should too; Hank owns the domain and asks anyone interested in developing it to tell him. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:03:02)
• 2009-03-25 · Squirrel Attack! — Hank says squirrels communicate with little noises and also with tail movements, which play the role of facial expressions and are very important. (00:00:33)
• 2009-04-01 · A Few Of My Favorite Things — Hank says a community of people made him buy, or rather borrow from a friend, an item he holds up (unnamed): 'step one completed', more tomorrow. (00:00:00)
• 2009-04-01 · A Few Of My Favorite Things — Hank is working on his taxes, which he says make him want to die. (00:00:29)
• 2009-04-01 · A Few Of My Favorite Things — Hank loves three-legged dogs: unlike a person who would complain, they embrace it and are exactly as happy as four-legged dogs. (00:00:58)
• 2009-04-01 · A Few Of My Favorite Things — Hank likes people who make funny bikes (one seen in Portland, Oregon) and humorous taxidermy, which Montana is full of. (00:01:42)
• 2009-04-01 · A Few Of My Favorite Things — Showing taxidermy of a sharp-shinned hawk killing a starling, Hank says starlings are an invasive species. (00:01:42)
• 2009-04-01 · A Few Of My Favorite Things — Hank enjoys unrelated organisations sharing an acronym, like NWA (Northwest Airlines) and the two WWFs (wildlife and wrestling). (00:02:40)
• 2009-04-01 · A Few Of My Favorite Things — Hank says John is still battling his 'tiny chickens' illness and does not seem to be feeling better. (00:03:15)
• 2009-04-01 · HANKROLL'd — Hank sings a cover of 'Never Gonna Give You Up', rickrolling viewers; the description says he does it dressed as Carrie Bradshaw. (00:00:17)
• 2009-04-08 · Become a Time Traveller TODAY! — Hank says the brothers disagree on the orphanage as a story: John wants well-known evil babies like Stalin and Hitler, but then why does the world still suck? (00:00:40)
• 2009-04-08 · Become a Time Traveller TODAY! — Hank prefers the idea that an Evil Baby Orphanage already exists and its overworked creator's best effort is the world we live in now. (00:00:58)
• 2009-04-08 · Become a Time Traveller TODAY! — For the orphanage, Hank says every day without a time machine is another day evil babies are free to do evil. (00:03:27)
• 2009-04-16 · The Day the YouTubes Died — In song, Hank remembers hoping friendly editors would feature him on the front page, a dream that may now be dead as YouTube tries to please the corporate mass. — hedged: “might” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:01)
• 2009-04-16 · The Day the YouTubes Died — The chorus says maybe YouTube can become like Hulu and avoid its demise, but if it costs the little guys, Hank might say his goodbyes. — hedged: “Maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:10)
• 2009-04-16 · The Day the YouTubes Died — The song recalls community YouTube pastimes, the Five Facts thing and the Google Verb meme, a first comment and Captcha codes, which Hank will miss behind a 'content wall'. (00:01:32)
• 2009-04-16 · The Day the YouTubes Died — The song says Hank will still have his subscriptions, wanting Kevjumba, Smosh and Buck over 'high-budget junk'. (00:02:06)
• 2009-04-16 · The Day the YouTubes Died — Hank says the song was hilariously difficult: he taped the chords to his camera and so didn't notice a reflection in his eye, and he kept singing other parody lyrics. (00:03:14)
• 2009-04-23 · DFTBA — Hank raps a song, performed with Michael Aranda, made of Nerdfighter-suggested alternative expansions of DFTBA, framed by the refrain asking what DFTBA means. (video description)
• 2009-04-28 · 10 Book Reviews in 4 Minutes — Hank finally read Les Misérables, knowing only one song from the musical, and thinks it will be a classic for decades or centuries. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:00)
• 2009-04-28 · 10 Book Reviews in 4 Minutes — Hank warns people who like how they see the world not to read Hyperion, joking that it warped the minds of 37% of the warped people he knows. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:00:00)
• 2009-04-28 · 10 Book Reviews in 4 Minutes — Hank says a joke book he bought while thinking of another jokes video sucks; the jokes Nerdfighters leave in comments are far better. (00:01:00)
• 2009-04-28 · 10 Book Reviews in 4 Minutes — Hank calls Sorcery and Cecilia adorable, like Harry Potter meets Pride and Prejudice: two young women in a dangerous magical mystery, really about infuriating boys in marvelous outfits. (00:01:29)
• 2009-04-30 · A GOAT GIVING BIRTH — Hank presents footage of a goat giving birth to a baby goat, warning that it is graphic and a little disturbing and telling squeamish viewers to stop. (00:00:25)
• 2009-04-30 · A GOAT GIVING BIRTH — Hank invites viewers to pause and film themselves watching the goat birth, because he wants to see their reactions and couldn't see his own. (00:00:32)
• 2009-04-30 · A GOAT GIVING BIRTH — Hank thanks Christie the goat for giving birth to four baby goats that day. (00:02:52)
• 2009-05-08 · Star Trek: The Movie, Review — Hank notes the new film, called Star Trek or Star Trek 11, continues a long-lived franchise; there have been eleven films. (00:00:00)
• 2009-05-08 · Star Trek: The Movie, Review — Hank says the original Star Trek series can be watched free on YouTube, though it is 'kind of hilariously bad'. (00:00:49)
• 2009-05-08 · Star Trek: The Movie, Review — Hank calls Star Trek one of his primary formative influences, alongside his parents and Jean-Luc Picard, and notes he wrote a song about it. (00:01:18)
• 2009-05-08 · Star Trek: The Movie, Review — Hank tells Heroes fans they need not fear seeing Sylar in Spock; he moved past it immediately. (00:02:03)
• 2009-05-13 · My Birthday Rocks — Among birthday-mail superlatives Hank shows the largest birthday card he has ever received, a card with Katherine, John and the Yeti, and one saying he could have gone to Hogwarts had it not been stuck in time. (00:02:06)
• 2009-05-13 · My Birthday Rocks — Hank shows a hand-made lift-the-flap 'ABCs of Nerdfighting' from two Nerdfighters, e.g. B for Bubbles the Nerdfighting Puppy and G for Golden Parachute. (00:02:36)
• 2009-05-13 · GREEN SCREEN!!!! — Hank shows off the green screen with a rapid montage of shouted backgrounds, from Superman and Wolverine to Margo Roth Spiegelman, animals, Neil Gaiman, Jean-Luc Picard and Hundertwasser. (00:00:45)
• 2009-05-13 · GREEN SCREEN!!!! — Hank says green screens are fun, viewers should get one, and he has many things planned with his. (00:01:17)
• 2009-05-13 · GREEN SCREEN!!!! — Hank points to the subscribe button on the EcoGeek channel page, suggests viewers click it, and asks them to tell him what they think of the channel. — hedged: “Maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:49)
• 2009-05-13 · GREEN SCREEN!!!! — Unsure what else to do with the green screen, Hank asks Nerdfighters to leave ideas in the comments for what he should do with it. (00:01:49)
• 2009-05-20 · Ulcerative Colitis: A Song — Hank sings that he began feeling ill at 23, with pain worsening for weeks, until a doctor ordered a stool sample and then a colonoscopy. (00:00:00)
• 2009-05-20 · Ulcerative Colitis: A Song — In the song, the doctor tells Hank that what he has is ulcerative colitis. (00:00:34)
• 2009-05-20 · Ulcerative Colitis: A Song — The song calls ulcerative colitis road rash on the colon: bleeding, pain, unknown cause, no cure and a raised cancer risk, though colon cancer is curable if watched. (00:00:34)
• 2009-05-20 · Ulcerative Colitis: A Song — In Hank's song the doctor says insurers shun sick people, the pills will cost an arm and a leg, and prices here are as high as the market can bear. (00:01:04)
• 2009-05-20 · Ulcerative Colitis: A Song — In the song, the doctor tells Hank he is not insured and will probably stay that way. (00:01:04)
• 2009-05-20 · Ulcerative Colitis: A Song — In the song the doctor says the only cure is removing the whole colon and installing 'a little spout'; Hank says he would rather take costly pills. (00:01:33)
• 2009-05-20 · Ulcerative Colitis: A Song — The song closes that besides the importance of fibre, Hank has learned the health-care system is badly 'screwed up' (the comparison is unclear). (00:01:33)
• 2009-05-26 · A Message to the Class of 2009 — Hank says he has graduated five times (elementary through graduate school), so he is 'a bit of an expert' on graduation. (00:00:07)
• 2009-05-26 · A Message to the Class of 2009 — Hank says he graduated from college with a major in biochemistry and is now a 'professional internet moron'. (00:00:33)
• 2009-05-27 · Open Letters — Hank thanks his knees for not giving up on him, though he bangs them while dancing and they are 'disgustingly purple'. (00:00:21)
• 2009-05-27 · Open Letters — Hank calls downtown Boston the most confusing place he has ever been, says his GPS gave up, and suggests rebuilding it or outlawing cars. (00:00:21)
• 2009-05-27 · Open Letters — Hank tells Howie Mandel that whatever his financial problems, Deal or No Deal is not okay; he should have slapped its pitchers with a rubber band and walked out. (00:00:50)
• 2009-05-27 · Open Letters — Hank thanks everyone who wanted to puke but didn't, especially those in his car, calling it an ordinary everyday act of heroism that makes the world better. (00:01:20)
• 2009-05-27 · Open Letters — Hank tells J. K. Rowling her work is the best, but not even she deserves a fan community as awesome as Harry Potter nerds, and she should know how lucky she is. (00:02:01)
• 2009-05-27 · Open Letters — Hank tells North Korea that if it starts thinking about using its nuclear weapons, the world will combine to turn the country into glass, so it should give up now. (00:02:22)
• 2009-05-27 · Open Letters — Hank tells lilacs they are awesome but don't yet smell as good as iris. (00:02:22)
• 2009-06-01 · DFTBA Street Team In Your Pants — Hank tells John that, whatever his excuse, he should have made his video and is being punished, which Hank says is overdue and he looks forward to. (00:00:00)
• 2009-06-01 · DFTBA Street Team In Your Pants — Rather than only plug his label in the gap John left, Hank shares a clip he took at LeakyCon of Maureen Johnson explaining where the 'in your pants' phenomenon began. (00:00:44)
• 2009-06-05 · JOHN'S PUNISHMENT! Eating Carl's Jr John's Way — Hank reports finding many Carl's Jr. ads on YouTube, some by his favorite YouTubers, all on the theme of how you eat the chain's portobello mushroom burger. (00:00:29)
• 2009-06-05 · JOHN'S PUNISHMENT! Eating Carl's Jr John's Way — Hank sets John's punishment for not making a video on Sunday: eat the Carl's Jr. burger 'the way only John Green can' - not blenderized, but as its constituent parts. (00:00:29)
• 2009-06-10 · WIDE ANGLE LENS! And Not Eating Fat Sandwiches — Hank says John is currently unable to make a YouTube video: he is switching from iMovie to Final Cut Express, which Hank recently did too and calls a big pain, and it is taking John a long time. (00:00:00)
• 2009-06-10 · WIDE ANGLE LENS! And Not Eating Fat Sandwiches — Hank says he has been helping John use computers for more than word processing and web surfing since the project began. (00:00:00)
• 2009-06-10 · WIDE ANGLE LENS! And Not Eating Fat Sandwiches — Hank announces the chosen punishment: strawberry-flavored protein powder dissolved into melted Crisco and made into a fat sandwich, like a Carl's Jr. burger eaten 'John's way'. (00:00:29)
• 2009-06-10 · WIDE ANGLE LENS! And Not Eating Fat Sandwiches — Hank says Carl's Jr. burgers taste delicious but should make you want to puke. (00:00:58)
• 2009-06-10 · WIDE ANGLE LENS! And Not Eating Fat Sandwiches — Hank shows a new wide-angle lens he got today and says he has plans for it but nothing prepared yet; he calls this video a teaser for John's fat-sandwich video. (00:00:58)
• 2009-06-10 · WIDE ANGLE LENS! And Not Eating Fat Sandwiches — Hank ends with a clip of himself playing Dance Dance Revolution on a High School Musical 3 dance pad, the cheapest he could get. (00:01:51)
• 2009-06-17 · The Fathers of the Founding Fathers — Hank sings that on every Father's Day we hear about great sons, but the fathers of great men are quickly forgotten. (00:00:12)
• 2009-06-17 · The Fathers of the Founding Fathers — Hank lists Rockefeller, Washington and Bell and their achievements, but says he knows none of the men who called them sons. (00:00:12)
• 2009-06-17 · The Fathers of the Founding Fathers — Hank sings that great women - Earhart, Nightingale, Curie, Tubman - were polished by their fathers into 'powerful pearls'. (00:00:39)
• 2009-06-17 · The Fathers of the Founding Fathers — Hank sings that dads are only talked about when parenting goes bad, so good dads are underrated and need a day to be appreciated. (00:01:24)
• 2009-06-17 · The Fathers of the Founding Fathers — Hank thanks dads, especially his own, who 'created the vlog brothers', and wishes everyone a happy Father's Day. (00:02:12)
• 2009-06-20 · Neck Beards and Fitness Challenges — Hank thanks the Yeti for vetoing at least half of John's beard and says Green men were not meant to wear beards. (00:00:00)
• 2009-06-20 · Neck Beards and Fitness Challenges — Hank says he can't grow a real beard, only neck, chin and moustache hair, and neck beards always look bad; he has to shave about once a week, which annoys him. — hedged: “like” [other hedge] (00:00:00)
• 2009-06-20 · Neck Beards and Fitness Challenges — Hank got a Wii Fit, which will give him his body mass index; he doubts it will do more for his health than his $20 High School Musical 3 DDR dance pad. (00:01:27)
• 2009-06-20 · Neck Beards and Fitness Challenges — Hank tells John he is ready to take him on in the fitness challenge, though he can't recall its name; he did six push-ups, his Wii Fit age went from 28 to 45, and his BMI went down. (00:02:31)
• 2009-06-20 · Neck Beards and Fitness Challenges — Hank boasts he will beat John in body mass index: he started at 24 and says he only has to get to 22; he tells John to start doing push-ups. (00:02:31)
• 2009-06-23 · Fighting the Flame War! — Hank records on Monday, June 22, rather than Tuesday because their parents come to town the next day and will want him to spend time with them. — hedged: “probably” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
• 2009-06-23 · Fighting the Flame War! — Hank says whenever a vlogbrothers video reaches YouTube's front page there is confusion and meanness, so he answers comments to explain what they do and relieve the weight of the haters. (00:00:00)
• 2009-06-23 · Fighting the Flame War! — Hank disagrees with a commenter who says the world sucks and so should be destroyed, offering no complicated philosophical reason. (00:00:53)
• 2009-06-23 · Fighting the Flame War! — Asked why John never blinks, Hank jokes it is because Ze Frank, a pioneering video blogger, never blinked and 'everything we do is stolen' from him; he urges viewers to watch Ze Frank. (00:00:53)
• 2009-07-01 · Most Subscribed: A Song — Hank sings that YouTube's most-subscribed users, the most popular people on the world's biggest video site, are a couple of girls and a couple dozen guys. (00:00:00)
• 2009-07-01 · Most Subscribed: A Song — In the chorus Hank sings that everyone wants to be like the top subscribed, except Fred, whom he does not want to be like. (00:00:00)
• 2009-07-01 · Most Subscribed: A Song — Hank sings one-line takes on top channels: Nigahiga has multiple personalities, Smosh is hilariously dumb, Machinima is where he gets video-game news, Buck has superior sass. (00:00:27)
• 2009-07-01 · Most Subscribed: A Song — Hank says he didn't even mention Universal Music Group in the song because, as far as he is concerned, they can go eat poop. (00:00:27)
• 2009-07-01 · Most Subscribed: A Song — Hank sings that sxePhil has figured out what works on YouTube: talking about douchebags and hot girls. (00:01:22)
• 2009-07-03 · TRUTH OR FAIL!!! Episode 2 (New and Improved) — Hank says viewers may remember the original Truth or Fail as a great big fail, but he liked the idea and has refined it. (00:00:00)
• 2009-07-03 · TRUTH OR FAIL!!! Episode 2 (New and Improved) — Hank poses the episode's question: either strippers earn more while ovulating than while menstruating, or Albert Einstein loved playing Scrabble; viewers pick the truth. (00:01:31)
• 2009-07-07 · Too Much Love will KILL YOU — Hank says he is the most important person to himself, insisting he is not kidding: he has only seen the world from his own view; everyone overvalues themselves. (00:00:29)
• 2009-07-09 · The Katherine is a Master of Science! — Asked what she wants to do now, someone (probably Hank) answers that they are going to get a dog. (00:01:03)
• 2009-07-17 · Selling Out, Chewbacca and Taking Leave — Hank asks viewers to pause and leave a comment saying which advertisements they see, so the brothers know what is going on. (00:01:25)
• 2009-07-17 · Selling Out, Chewbacca and Taking Leave — Hank says that as a young, poor kid he saved lunch money for CDs by eating other kids' cafeteria leftovers, and tells kids not to do that to buy his CD. (00:01:49)
• 2009-07-21 · Twenty Questions and Michael Collins — Hank says he played 20Q.net thinking of John; it asked off-base questions and guessed Neil Armstrong and Rodney Mullen. (00:00:00)
• 2009-07-21 · Twenty Questions and Michael Collins — Hank reports 20Q then guessed 'John Green, author', and declares this the definition of famous: John is now officially famous. (00:00:29)
• 2009-07-21 · Twenty Questions and Michael Collins — Hank says 20Q noted other users said John isn't part of a team, which Hank disputes. (00:00:56)
• 2009-07-21 · Twenty Questions and Michael Collins — Hank finds Rodney Mullen is a super awesome skateboarder, accepts the Perez Hilton guess for himself, and reports 20Q thinks he is Joe Jonas when he plays as himself. (00:01:38)
• 2009-07-21 · Twenty Questions and Michael Collins — Hank pities Michael Collins: people at least know Buzz Aldrin, but nobody knows Collins, who didn't even get to walk on the moon. (00:01:38)
• 2009-07-21 · Twenty Questions and Michael Collins — Hank plays 20Q as Michael Collins: it first guesses Neil Armstrong at question 17 and Buzz Aldrin at question 20, which he calls Collins's whole life summed up. (00:02:22)
• 2009-07-21 · Twenty Questions and Michael Collins — Hank objects that other 20Q users said Collins died an untimely death: he is not dead, though Hank admits he hasn't heard much about him lately. — hedged: “Maybe I...” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:22)
• 2009-07-21 · Twenty Questions and Michael Collins — Hank concludes he shouldn't be upset if 20Q doesn't know him, since he hasn't been to the moon, and congratulates John on being more famous than the astronaut who stayed in the craft. (00:02:53)
• 2009-07-23 · 50 MORE JOKES in FOUR MINUTES — To celebrate how wonderful the world is, Hank tells fifty more jokes in four minutes, a follow-up to his earlier joke videos. (00:00:04)
• 2009-07-23 · 50 MORE JOKES in FOUR MINUTES — Hank points viewers to the two other videos of this kind and says his closing tune is Charlie's song, taken from Charlie's Truth or Fail. (00:03:51)
• 2009-07-30 · Mules are so Half-Ass — Hank shows a rap in which every line is an acronym for DFTBA, which people who were not at LeakyCon have never heard in acoustic version. (00:03:13)
• 2009-08-02 · ANNOUNCING: Global Geek Week!!! — Hank opens 'It's Sunday. It's Newsday', notes that John, not he, does Newsday, and says he is taking over Sunday because he is a geek for good. (00:00:00)
• 2009-08-02 · ANNOUNCING: Global Geek Week!!! — Hank guesses it is because they would rather talk about the world's problems than celebrity gossip such as the Jonas Brothers' marital status. — hedged: “I guess maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:00)
• 2009-08-02 · ANNOUNCING: Global Geek Week!!! — Hank says what excites him is people using their brains to save the planet, and that is what he wants to see in People magazine. (00:00:29)
• 2009-08-04 · Twitter Games and Truth or Fail — Hank says he isn't sure how Twitter works yet; John told him he needs work on his 'Twittikit' (Twitter etiquette). (00:00:53)
• 2009-08-04 · Twitter Games and Truth or Fail — Hank describes Shark Week as Discovery Channel packing all its shark footage into one week to scare viewers who cannot stop watching. (00:01:51)
• 2009-08-04 · Twitter Games and Truth or Fail — Hank says Discovery Channel exploits our deepest fears in the name of conservation and selling airtime, but sharks are unquestionably awesome creatures. (00:02:25)
• 2009-08-04 · Twitter Games and Truth or Fail — Truth or Fail candidate fact one (one of the two is false): the whale shark is the biggest fish that has ever existed. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:02:55)
• 2009-08-04 · Twitter Games and Truth or Fail — Truth or Fail candidate fact two: tiger sharks eat almost anything, including humans; one was found with chickens, still in their coop, in its stomach. — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:02:55)
• 2009-08-12 · Vegetables that look like Penises — Hank says the song was maybe his gift to Nerdfighteria for helping the channel reach 100,000 subscribers, or possibly his punishment, depending on perspective. — hedged: “maybe” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:57)
• 2009-08-12 · Vegetables that look like Penises — Hank asks commenters what to do with the cucumber-or-zucchini he bought for the video but did not use, and which it is, insisting on nothing dirty. (00:03:11)
• 2009-08-18 · So Jokes: Video EP — In the song 'Book Eight', Hank sings that he wants J.K. Rowling to write an eighth Harry Potter book; he thinks there is an unwritten story to tell. — hedged: “I really do think” [other hedge] (00:00:31)
• 2009-08-18 · So Jokes: Video EP — The 'Book Eight' song wants Rowling to say the Deathly Hallows epilogue was crap, 'cause we all know it was crap'. (00:00:31)
• 2009-08-18 · So Jokes: Video EP — The Helen Hunt song says she was best comedy actress four years in a row. (00:04:33)
• 2009-08-18 · So Jokes: Video EP — In 'Accio Deathly Hallows', Hank sings of needing the final Harry Potter book as its release approaches, and of being sad that the series has to end at all. (00:07:37)
• 2009-08-18 · So Jokes: Video EP — The song's SUV verse mocks a man down the street who bought a giant SUV (an H2): 'we're fighting a war' so he can drive it home from the grocery store; Hank urges a Honda Fit instead. (00:13:44)
• 2009-08-19 · The Political Situation at the County Fair — Hank got home from the fair on Sunday with fair footage, then saw John's video comparing the world's largest boar to US health care and felt he had to match it. (00:00:00)
• 2009-08-19 · The Political Situation at the County Fair — Hank jokingly likens the Democratic Party to a llama with a huge head and an atrophied body that acts only every four years and must get involved. (00:00:53)
• 2009-08-26 · DEMOLITION DERBY! — In the song Hank says the demolition derby, with its mangled metal and flaming exhaust, is the reason he goes to the county fair. (00:00:57)
• 2009-08-26 · DEMOLITION DERBY! — Hank judges his performance not very good, but maybe just good enough. (00:02:53)
• 2009-09-01 · I AM COMPUTER MAN!!! — Hank recorded a cover of a song called 'Can't' (credited to 'Alan and Tom', unclear), which he jokes sounds like David Bowie singing through him. (00:00:00)
• 2009-09-01 · I AM COMPUTER MAN!!! — Hank also got HotForWords' book, joking that it is great because it is 'extremely educational' and that viewers were surely looking at the words. (00:00:47)
• 2009-09-01 · I AM COMPUTER MAN!!! — Hank jokes that John has enough books now not to mention his anthology appearances; so far Hank has read only John's story and says it is very good. (00:01:35)
• 2009-09-01 · I AM COMPUTER MAN!!! — Hank says he has one computer and a second monitor; the photographer brought another computer to look more epic, making him 'Computer Man'. (00:02:04)
• 2009-09-01 · I AM COMPUTER MAN!!! — Hank says his friends in Montana think he 'works on computers' and barely know what YouTube is, which he does not mind. (00:03:06)
• 2009-09-03 · WTF IS GOING ON!!! — Hank says he paid nine dollars at a party store for a set of clown hands, and puts duct tape on his face for viewers because he likes it. (00:00:58)
• 2009-09-03 · WTF IS GOING ON!!! — Hank says he wants to make viewers' lives better, joking that his toucan nose already has, because viewers are making his life better. (00:01:47)
• 2009-09-03 · WTF IS GOING ON!!! — Hank jokes he is now the instigator of one of the world's largest databases of random sentences, conceding it may not be true. — hedged: “That may not actually be true, but maybe it is.” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:16)
• 2009-09-09 · Television Crime Shows Suck — Hank's song claims every television crime show, from CSI to Columbo, follows the same plot, in which the guy met in the first 15 minutes did it. (00:00:44)
• 2009-09-09 · Television Crime Shows Suck — The song lists the clichés: preposterous deaths, a DNA-database hit, a final piece of evidence, and the culprit breaking down to explain exactly how it was done. (00:01:05)
• 2009-09-09 · Television Crime Shows Suck — Hank says the shows aren't even trying anymore and he is getting bored. (00:01:35)
• 2009-09-09 · Television Crime Shows Suck — By mid first season, the song says, murder is eclipsed by sexual tension between the attractive investigators, ending with a kidnapped colleague saved two seconds before death. (00:01:43)
• 2009-09-09 · Television Crime Shows Suck — Hank mocks David Caruso: it doesn't matter what he says as long as he takes off his glasses first. (00:02:27)
• 2009-09-09 · Television Crime Shows Suck — Hank lists things better than TV crime shows: John Green's books, all books, odd objects like fake hands, video games, and YouTube. (00:02:43)
• 2009-09-15 · Internetless in Maine — Hank contrasts Montana (movie theaters, galleries, demolition derbies, internet cafés) with the place, which has plumbing and hot water; his phone gets great reception but is not a smartphone. (00:00:00)
• 2009-09-15 · Internetless in Maine — Hank forgot his FireWire cable, so he filmed on the iSight camera, 'proving' a good vlog can be made with it. (00:03:34)
• 2009-09-16 · #@$%#!!! From Maine — Playing up very bad news that he says affects only him, Hank shows what 'ruined' his life and says he is angry enough to deface his MacBook. (00:00:00)
• 2009-09-16 · #@$%#!!! From Maine — Hank says one iSight video can pass as a statement about his disconnect from normal life, but two is ridiculously unprofessional, and apologizes. (00:01:02)
• 2009-09-16 · #@$%#!!! From Maine — Hank tells how his three-year-old nephew Jesse's balloon toy popped on a cactus, and Hank, who likes talking to toddlers that way, told him all things are ephemeral. (00:01:02)
• 2009-09-16 · #@$%#!!! From Maine — Hank says that when his own video vanished he wanted neither a lesson on ephemerality nor a cookie, but to throw the hotel microwave out of the window. (00:01:48)
• 2009-09-16 · #@$%#!!! From Maine — Hank also wants an alarm clock that wakes him with cooing pigeons instead of the 'meep' every alarm he has owned makes. (00:02:44)
• 2009-09-23 · Where's Margo! A Nerdfighter Event! — Hank jokes that Margo Roth Spiegelman escaped John's head, and says he asked Nerdfighters to photograph her wherever they saw her, and they complied. (00:00:00)
• 2009-09-23 · Where's Margo! A Nerdfighter Event! — In the song's chorus, Hank sings that Margo, the 'manic pixie dream girl', is more complex than she seems. (00:00:34)
• 2009-09-23 · Where's Margo! A Nerdfighter Event! — The song says to learn what happens you must buy the book, and hopes the paperback yields a Margo one can understand and love complexly. (00:02:15)
• 2009-09-23 · Where's Margo! A Nerdfighter Event! — The song lists places where Margo was photographed, from Hawaii, Pisa and Disneyland to Kyoto, '19th century Croatia' and Florence. (00:02:15)
• 2009-09-25 · Fake John Green : New Album : Shirts — Hank lists the pictures: John loving unicorns, dressed as Edward Cullen, kissed by the Poe bust, swapped with Willy, admitting the puff is a wig; others, like a John Green cereal, are 'ridiculously awesome'. (00:00:29)
• 2009-09-25 · Fake John Green : New Album : Shirts — That day's fake post was a So Jokes back cover listing only versions of Accio Deathly Hallows; Hank says he takes the criticism at face value. (00:00:58)
• 2009-09-25 · Fake John Green : New Album : Shirts — Hank says when he showed Katherine the shirt, she suspiciously asked who sent it to him, until she realized it was not from some random girl. (00:02:55)
• 2009-09-29 · DFTBA TAKEOVER!!! — Hank says DFTBA Records is on the front page of YouTube as he makes the video: 'we own the front page of YouTube'. (00:00:00)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (1) — Hank says watching John's video from a couple of weeks ago, where Willy chewed the arm off Chewbacca, reminded him that he used to be a connoisseur of Star Wars hand removal. (00:00:01)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (1) — Hank says there are a lot of hands removed in Star Wars: characters with only two hands have their hands chopped off three times. (00:00:20)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (1) — Hank calls The Phantom Menace arguably the worst live-action Star Wars movie ever; no hands are removed in it. — hedged: “arguably” [other hedge] (00:00:58)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (1) — Hank says Attack of the Clones, a much better movie, opens with Obi-Wan Kenobi cutting off the hand of a jerk with a gun in a bar, and later Count Dooku cuts off Anakin Skywalker's hand. (00:01:07)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (1) — Hank points out a theme: in Star Wars, whoever cuts off someone's hand has a good chance of getting their own hand chopped off too. (00:01:24)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (1) — Hank says Revenge of the Sith, a very good movie, is the peak of hand removal: Count Dooku loses both hands, and four-handed General Grievous loses only two. (00:01:30)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (1) — Hank says Anakin Skywalker cuts off Mace Windu's arm, having chopped off three hands in that one movie while losing only one himself. (00:01:58)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (1) — Hank says that when Anakin turns evil, Obi-Wan Kenobi cuts off both his legs and one of his hands, leaving Anakin with one hand, a robotic one. (00:02:09)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (1) — Hank says in The Empire Strikes Back Luke cuts off the arm of the giant snow beast that captured him, then Luke loses his own hand, one of the most memorable scenes in film history. (00:02:32)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (1) — Hank says Return of the Jedi has one hand removal: Luke cuts off Darth Vader's third hand, then sees its wires and feels his own bionic hand. (00:03:00)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (1) — Hank concludes that being a Jedi sounds cool but is far too dangerous a line of work for him. (00:03:28)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (2) — Watching John's video from a couple of weeks ago, in which Willy chewed the arm off Chewbacca, reminded Hank that he used to be a connoisseur of Star Wars hand removal. (00:00:00)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (2) — Hank says a lot of hands are removed in Star Wars: some characters with only two hands have their hands chopped off three times. (00:00:20)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (2) — Hank calls The Phantom Menace arguably the worst live-action Star Wars movie ever; no hands are removed in it. — hedged: “arguably” [other hedge] (00:00:58)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (2) — Hank says Attack of the Clones, a much better movie, opens with Obi-Wan Kenobi cutting off the hand of a jerk with a gun in a bar, and later Count Dooku cuts off Anakin Skywalker's hand. (00:01:05)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (2) — Hank points out a theme of the Star Wars films: whoever cuts off someone's hand has a good chance of getting their own hand chopped off too. (00:01:27)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (2) — Hank says Revenge of the Sith, a very good movie, is the peak of Star Wars hand removal: it opens with Count Dooku losing both hands shortly before he is killed. (00:01:30)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (2) — Hank says General Grievous has four hands but loses only two of them in Revenge of the Sith, which always made Hank angry. (00:01:45)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (2) — Hank says Anakin Skywalker cuts off Mace Windu's arm, so in Revenge of the Sith Anakin has chopped off three hands while losing only one himself. (00:01:58)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (2) — Hank says that when Anakin Skywalker turns evil, Obi-Wan Kenobi cuts off both his legs and one of his hands, leaving Anakin with one hand, a robotic one. (00:02:09)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (2) — Hank says that in The Empire Strikes Back the giant snow beast captures Luke Skywalker and hangs him upside down in a cave, and Luke chops its arm off. (00:02:33)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (2) — Hank says Luke Skywalker losing his hand in The Empire Strikes Back is one of the most memorable scenes in science fiction; Luke gets a bionic hand like his father's. (00:02:44)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (2) — Hank says Return of the Jedi has only one hand removal: Luke Skywalker cuts off Darth Vader's third hand, sees its wires and feels his own bionic hand. (00:02:58)
• 2009-09-30 · 13 SEVERED HANDS! (2) — Hank concludes that being a Jedi sounds cool but is far too dangerous a line of work for him. (00:03:26)
• 2009-10-02 · Truth or Fail: DRUGS! — Hank explains Truth or Fail: he gives two statements about the history of drugs and drug culture, and viewers click the true one or fail. (00:00:00)
• 2009-10-02 · Truth or Fail: DRUGS! — Round one, option one: when an organization tested hundreds of thousands of random US one-dollar bills, four out of five had traces of cocaine (one option is false). — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:00:25)
• 2009-10-02 · Truth or Fail: DRUGS! — Round one, option two: Kinder eggs are illegal in America because the government fears people will smuggle drugs inside them (one option is false). — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:00:25)
• 2009-10-13 · Nine Die in Georgia Floods - Kanye is a Jackass — Hank, in Georgia, says that just as John's basement flooded (as in John's last video), the whole state of Georgia has flooded too. (00:00:00)
• 2009-10-14 · Customer Service A$$H()¦3s!!!! — Hank says it is a bad morning because he is tired of getting pushed around by customer service. (00:00:00)
• 2009-10-14 · Customer Service A$$H()¦3s!!!! — Hank coins 'asshole propagation program' (APP): any societal program that ignores kindness, openness and coolness and rewards general douchebaggery; customer service is engaging in it. (00:00:08)
• 2009-10-14 · Customer Service A$$H()¦3s!!!! — Hank reenacts a call: after his credit card was defrauded and cancelled, a company charged him an extra $30 because his automatic payment failed, and its agent called the fee legal policy. (00:00:34)
• 2009-10-14 · Customer Service A$$H()¦3s!!!! — Hank says none of the other half dozen companies with that card on automatic payment charged him anything. (00:01:08)
• 2009-10-14 · Customer Service A$$H()¦3s!!!! — Hank admits, ashamed, that he gave in to the APP: he yelled and cursed, saying the company was making him act like a jerk so the agent could go to the manager. (00:01:47)
• 2009-10-14 · Customer Service A$$H()¦3s!!!! — After a hold, the company credited the $30 back to Hank's account. (00:02:35)
• 2009-10-14 · Customer Service A$$H()¦3s!!!! — Hank tells all APPs that their policies might decrease costs for now, but in the long run they only create more assholes. (00:02:48)
• 2009-10-14 · Customer Service A$$H()¦3s!!!! — Hank says it is not just customer service but every societal program that punishes kindness and rewards douchebaggery, and it needs to stop. (00:02:57)
• 2009-10-14 · Customer Service A$$H()¦3s!!!! — Hank urges his audience not to give in and to end the APPs ('Viva la revolution!'). (00:03:11)
• 2009-10-21 · Balloon Boy: A Short Song — Hank says the title rips off Woody Guthrie's 'This Machine Kills Fascists' and a YouTube commenter who wrote 'That machine pones noobs', whom he thanks for naming the album. (00:02:45)
• 2009-10-24 · Truth or Fail: HOAXES! — Hank recaps the Balloon Boy story: the dad pretended his son was in the balloon while the boy was in the attic, wanting a big story to land a reality TV show. (00:00:00)
• 2009-10-24 · Truth or Fail: HOAXES! — Round one, option one: Poe not only convinced the world a man had flown a gas balloon over the Atlantic, but was a serial hoaxer who tried to fool the news media at least six times (one option is false). — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:00:37)
• 2009-10-24 · Truth or Fail: HOAXES! — Round one, option two: at the Statue of Liberty's 25th anniversary a little girl claimed to have lost her monkey there, and it was closed two days before she admitted making it up (one option is false). — explicitly uncertain (hedge words not recorded) (00:00:37)
• 2009-10-28 · We Win When Everyone Wins — Hank asks viewers to spend 10 minutes watching Dan Brown's new video, linked in the video. (00:00:00)
• 2009-10-28 · We Win When Everyone Wins — Hank thanks viewers in advance for donating equipment and does his dance, as Dan Brown asked. (00:03:37)
• 2009-10-28 · Mad Science with Dr. Horrible (Hank) — Hank is dressed as the mad scientist Dr. Horrible for Halloween. (00:00:00)
• 2009-10-28 · Mad Science with Dr. Horrible (Hank) — Hank asks viewers to film their eyes while watching the rest of the video a foot from the screen and post it as a video response (at least 200, ideally a thousand). (00:01:24)
• 2009-10-28 · Mad Science with Dr. Horrible (Hank) — Hank reveals the experiment was a Halloween trick: not officially science, but hopefully a large database of people getting scared by a cat. — hedged: “hopefully” [wish / hope] (00:03:17)
• 2009-10-28 · Mad Science with Dr. Horrible (Hank) — Hank says he looks forward to downloading the response videos and writing a song about how he scared viewers. (00:03:17)
• 2009-10-28 · Mad Science with Dr. Horrible (Hank) — Hank says that while they are not really doing science, they are using the power of community to do something awesome. (00:03:17)
• 2009-10-29 · EMBARASSMENT: The Live Show — Hank announces the most embarrassing live show of the year, happening today. (00:00:00)
• 2009-10-29 · EMBARASSMENT: The Live Show — Hank reads a random diary page as a teaser: his child self apologises for not writing and blames a 'bad finger' for the handwriting. (00:00:00)
• 2009-10-29 · EMBARASSMENT: The Live Show — Hank says the show will reveal what he loved at nine and embarrassing pictures of both him and John. (00:00:24)
• 2009-10-31 · Vegas Baby...It's like...well. Hrmm — Hank describes passing a nightclub with two lines, a short one for scantily dressed 'pretty girls' picked by a doorman and a long one for everyone else. (00:00:29)
• 2009-11-04 · Please Buy My Album (A Song / Medley) — Hank asks viewers to buy his album, saying he really worked on it a lot, that it is done, and that it has 17 tracks, which he will sing as a medley. (00:00:00)
• 2009-11-04 · Please Buy My Album (A Song / Medley) — Hank sings a medley of the album's tracks, including songs about Hogwarts, the anglerfish, a homicidal squirrel, the demolition derby, the founding fathers' fathers, his colitis and Edward Cullen. (00:00:22)
• 2009-11-07 · The TOUR DE HANK!!! — Asked whether they ship to a viewer's country, Hank says they ship everywhere there are people. (00:01:01)
• 2009-11-07 · The TOUR DE HANK!!! — In a song Hank apologises to Canada: the tour is not going there because the forms and taxes make it hard; Vancouver was close but did not happen. (00:02:58)
• 2009-11-12 · On a Plane - On the Ground — Hank vlogs while travelling, cutting repeatedly between being on a plane and on the ground in airports. (00:00:00)
• 2009-11-12 · On a Plane - On the Ground — Hank says you can't get away from the news in an airport, one of the fundamental laws of travelling. (00:00:28)
• 2009-11-12 · On a Plane - On the Ground — Hank relays a news item he watched in the airport: it is apparently okay for quadriplegics to own guns. — hedged: “Apparently” [epistemic doubt] (00:00:28)
• 2009-11-12 · On a Plane - On the Ground — Hank expects his own tour to go about the same way. — hedged: “I'm expecting” [other hedge] (00:01:44)
• 2009-11-12 · On a Plane - On the Ground — Hank marvels that he sits down in Missoula and stands up in Seattle after going about 300 mph through the sky, yet he manages to hate flying. (00:01:44)
• 2009-11-18 · Crazy Man is Crazy (with SEATTLE INFO!!) — For the Wednesday song, Hank sings a short road-trip song listing things he'd be screwed without: computer, camera, chargers, guitar, phone, keys. (00:00:54)
• 2009-11-18 · Crazy Man is Crazy (with SEATTLE INFO!!) — Hank says he lost his keys that day; a group of Nerdfighters ordered pizza and ate with him on a street corner while he waited for a locksmith. (00:01:24)
• 2009-11-18 · Crazy Man is Crazy (with SEATTLE INFO!!) — Hank tries to make a 'best wishes' balloon he can't take on the plane more interesting (by inhaling it) but is only very slightly squeaky. (00:01:53)
• 2009-11-18 · Crazy Man is Crazy (with SEATTLE INFO!!) — Hank shows the physical This Machine Pwns n00bs CD for the first time on the vlog: track list, poster, artwork and printed lyrics. (00:02:56)
• 2009-11-24 · 50 THINGS!! That I'm Thankful For — Hank says he likes the idea of a national anthem but not the US one, which he jokingly sums up as bombs and war; there are things about America he likes more than explosions and war. (00:00:00)
• 2009-11-24 · 50 THINGS!! That I'm Thankful For — Hank loves that everyone knows a shared Happy Birthday song but thinks the song itself is bad and just wants to get to the cake. (00:00:00)
• 2009-11-24 · 50 THINGS!! That I'm Thankful For — Hank likes the idea of a day for saying what we are thankful for, but says Thanksgiving mixes it with gorging on food and beer, which confuses what we are thankful for. (00:00:30)
• 2009-11-24 · 50 THINGS!! That I'm Thankful For — Hank says he is a little ashamed to be thankful for video games with adorable main characters and more ashamed of games where he kills people with guns. (00:00:58)
• 2009-11-24 · 50 THINGS!! That I'm Thankful For — Hank is thankful for personal things: being his age and still finding farts funny, a wife who does too, friends, his bed, his cat, his guitar, Nerdfighters and Nerdfighteria, and his wife. (00:02:43)
• 2009-11-25 · Things I'm Not Thankful For — After listing 50 thankful things the day before, Hank declares the day before Thanksgiving 'Hanks-[giving]', the opposite of Thanksgiving, for listing what annoys him. (00:00:00)
• 2009-11-25 · Things I'm Not Thankful For — Hank says his fingertips constantly hurt, hard like little rocks, after playing guitar for two weeks straight. (00:00:29)
• 2009-11-25 · Things I'm Not Thankful For — Hank complains that too many TV characters are named Hank, claiming three current main characters (in Californication, a show called Hank, and a concierge doctor) plus Hanks on Bones and House. (00:01:11)
• 2009-11-25 · Things I'm Not Thankful For — Hank says South Park's Mr. Hanky arrived when he was in middle school, a bad time to have a poop named after you. (00:01:11)
• 2009-11-25 · Things I'm Not Thankful For — Hank is annoyed that talking about evolution always sparks a gigantic, uninteresting debate in the comments, pointing to the one below this video. (00:01:44)
• 2009-11-25 · Things I'm Not Thankful For — Hank says John has 1 million Twitter followers and he has 10,000; he is really happy with his 10,000, which seems ridiculous to him. (00:02:17)
• 2009-11-25 · Things I'm Not Thankful For — Hank complains there were about 2,000 comments on how to punish him but only about two on how to punish John. — hedged: “like” [other hedge] (00:02:38)
• 2009-11-25 · Things I'm Not Thankful For — Hank is annoyed that part of him can still be annoyed when he has "50 million" things to be thankful for. (00:02:38)
• 2009-12-02 · This Machine Pwns n00bs: A Song — In the song Hank sings that he doesn't want to be a big star, but likes playing guitar and writing 'stupid songs in rental cars'. (00:00:00)
• 2009-12-02 · This Machine Pwns n00bs: A Song — The song tells of Hank rushing, late and needing the bathroom, to a show in Los Angeles, arriving with five minutes to spare to an indifferent crowd. (00:00:29)
• 2009-12-02 · This Machine Pwns n00bs: A Song — In the chorus Hank sings that his guitar ('this machine') pwns n00bs: like a headshot, a Mario star, the Pac-Man power dot or the Konami code, it makes him feel invincible on stage. (00:00:56)
• 2009-12-02 · This Machine Pwns n00bs: A Song — The song recounts losing his keys after the Phoenix, AZ show and eating pizza on the sidewalk with Nerdfighters, who wanted Yogurtland and In-N-Out, and 'First Officer Spock'. (00:01:37)
• 2009-12-02 · This Machine Pwns n00bs: A Song — Hank opens, on video, a note found in gift cupcakes promising a $15 donation to children in need if he opened it on his video. (00:02:44)
• 2009-12-03 · $40,000 of Red Balloons — Hank thought $40,000 would make the Project for Awesome a little more awesome. (00:00:30)
• 2009-12-08 · Announcing the 2009 Project for Awesome!!! — Hank says MIT still did certain dirty things, but Nerdfighteria did dirty things too. (00:00:29)
• 2009-12-08 · Announcing the 2009 Project for Awesome!!! — Hank says, as he said on Twitter, the team may have found only nine of the ten balloons in the real world. — hedged: “may have” [epistemic doubt] (00:01:36)
• 2009-12-08 · Announcing the 2009 Project for Awesome!!! — As his 'weird' part, Hank shows off his pill container, the lamest thing to be excited about, and sings a line wishing he had more time for video games. (00:01:36)
• 2009-12-16 · Project for Awesome: The Nature Conservancy — Hank says it is Song Wednesday, but he expected John's announcement tomorrow rather than yesterday, so he has no song about John's baby, only a line: 'John Green loves John Green's baby.' (00:00:00)
• 2009-12-16 · Project for Awesome: The Nature Conservancy — In his song, Hank says that though happy, he is mad most people can't do eighth-grade math and that reading is treated as uncool: 'since when did being smart start being a disgrace?' (00:01:54)
• 2009-12-16 · Project for Awesome: The Nature Conservancy — Hank's song argues that hating the world's problems is good: there is nothing like hate to motivate us to make the world better, so viewers should hate it with him. (00:02:28)
• 2009-12-27 · How To Be a Nerdfighter: A Vlogbrothers FAQ — Hank says putting stuff on your head makes you feel better about life. (00:01:50)
• 2009-12-27 · How To Be a Nerdfighter: A Vlogbrothers FAQ — Hank says 'French the llama' is something John is trying to make into an exclamation and it won't work; John insists he will make it happen. (00:01:58)
• 2009-12-27 · How To Be a Nerdfighter: A Vlogbrothers FAQ — Hank describes tiny chicken disease as tiny chickens laying eggs in your head that come out your nose; John explains it is a common cold. (00:02:22)
• 2009-12-30 · The STUPIDEST NEWS STORIES of 2009 (a song) — The song says a Georgia flood left thousands homeless and seven dead, while the news was about Kanye West and Taylor Swift. (00:00:27)
• 2009-12-30 · The STUPIDEST NEWS STORIES of 2009 (a song) — The song says the news media fail by sending a dozen camera crews whenever Sarah Palin is mentioned, though she is not news. (00:00:36)
• 2009-12-30 · The STUPIDEST NEWS STORIES of 2009 (a song) — The song says swine flu, killing 4,000 people, got more attention than it needed, while ordinary flu kills 60,000 a year unheeded; people like something to freak out about. (00:00:48)
• 2009-12-30 · The STUPIDEST NEWS STORIES of 2009 (a song) — The song says the media flew off the handle over one picture in the Michael Phelps marijuana scandal, though he did what the last three presidents did; priorities make little sense. — hedged: “I don't think” [opinion marker] (00:00:59)
• 2009-12-30 · The STUPIDEST NEWS STORIES of 2009 (a song) — The song's refrain: many important things happened in 2009 (Iran's election, the recession, Obama's inauguration), yet what cable news covered seemed dumb. (00:01:09)
• 2009-12-30 · The STUPIDEST NEWS STORIES of 2009 (a song) — The song says the Tiger Woods and David Letterman scandals were crappy news: rich men cheating on their wives is nothing new. — hedged: “I don't think” [opinion marker] (00:01:33)
• 2009-12-30 · The STUPIDEST NEWS STORIES of 2009 (a song) — The song says one of the year's biggest stories was that Susan Boyle could sing, reminding a public used to autotuned pretty people that talent needn't be hot. (00:01:43)
• 2009-12-30 · The STUPIDEST NEWS STORIES of 2009 (a song) — The song calls the Balloon Boy story, with Falcon not in the balloon, the year's biggest load of poo. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:02:28)
• 2009-12-30 · The STUPIDEST NEWS STORIES of 2009 (a song) — The song says 2009 was another year where we kept the world alive without paying attention; since the news still reports these stories, its singers just might be alone in their view. — hedged: “might” [epistemic doubt] (00:02:33)

Other voices

31 statements · sincere 48% · playful 35% · other bits 16% · hedged or unsure 10%

Sincere but hedged (3)

Split by hedge type (derived from the quoted hedge words with a fixed word list — see the overview): opinion marker 2 · other hedge 1.

Opinion marker (2)

marks a view as the speaker's own; not doubt

• 2009-06-10 · Eating a FAT SANDWICH — Sarah Urist Green: Sarah predicts it will be better than the blenderized Happy Meal, consistency-wise, because the bun is a familiar element. — hedged: “I think” [opinion marker] (00:01:24)
• 2009-12-22 · John and Hank Take on X-Scape! — Katherine Green: Katherine says she doesn't think she would enjoy the ride either; it is a little too high. — hedged: “I don't think” [opinion marker] (00:02:53)

Other hedge (1)

a hedge that matches none of the word lists

• 2009-06-21 · The World Sucks: Help it Suck Less — both: The brothers tell YouTube this is a chance to use video-making skills to decrease worldwide suck, and hope viewers will take it. — hedged: “We hope” [other hedge] (00:02:29)

Parody (1)

imitating a genre or a person (mock documentary, mock critic)

• 2009-03-11 · I'm Not Edward Cullen: A Song — Katherine Green: Katherine's character answers that only Edward can protect her, citing his century of saved-up wealth and virginity, and says she can't love the boyfriend. (00:00:57)

Fiction (2)

a story or novel read aloud; the words belong to characters

• 2009-05-06 · Dead Boy's Girlfriend — Harry Potter (character): In the song, Harry laments that the first girl he fell for, whom he was too slow to ask to the Yule Ball, is dead Cedric Diggory's girlfriend. (00:00:56)
• 2009-08-18 · So Jokes: Video EP — Lianne Graham (quoted): Lianne Graham's song 'Looking for Alaska' addresses Alaska: the singer hopes she has escaped 'this labyrinth of suffering', recalls Thomas Edison's last words, and is still looking for her. (00:09:08)

Joke (2)

a gag; not a claim

• 2009-05-20 · Ulcerative Colitis: A Song — Hank Sock (character): Hank's sock puppet, 'Hank Sock', asks whether Hank is annoyed that John gets to answer questions every Question Tuesday and Hank never does. (00:02:20)
• 2009-12-09 · ANNOUNCING! VidCon: Online Video IRL — Hank Sock (character): Hank Sock dismisses the news as Hank and his nerdy friends drinking juicy juices, and says his ingrown toenail is a huge deal too but he isn't making a conference about it. (00:00:36)

Playful (11)

a real point made in a joking way; the paraphrase records the meant core

• 2009-02-18 · Fake Movie Talk With A Sock — both: Hank and Hank Sock agree movies this year (2009) mostly stink, with two exceptions: Coraline and Slumdog Millionaire. (00:00:00)
• 2009-06-01 · DFTBA Street Team In Your Pants — Maureen Johnson: Maureen says John, on Weight Watchers and complaining about points, flailed with his cream-cheese bagel and dropped it cream cheese down into his lap, filling his corduroy's grooves. (00:01:30)
• 2009-06-01 · DFTBA Street Team In Your Pants — Maureen Johnson: As E. Lockhart sought a title for what became The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks, Maureen, staring at John's cream cheese, proposed adding 'in your pants' to any title; Looking for Alaska and An Abundance of Katherines came first. (00:02:00)
• 2009-06-01 · DFTBA Street Team In Your Pants — Maureen Johnson: Maureen says they played the game for the rest of the day and got nothing else done, and that is how the movement started, because John doesn't know how to eat. (00:02:23)
• 2009-06-03 · LeakyCon Fun! — a guest: A guest says reaching the hot-dog stand by bus meant a long walk and a two-hour lunch break; the group reaches an industrial park where the vendor should be, but he is not there. (00:00:00)
• 2009-06-03 · LeakyCon Fun! — a guest: In banter, one person says he quit his day job (no longer a chemical engineer) to be a "full-time wizard"; another says he was a biochemistry undergrad. (00:00:00)
• 2009-06-03 · LeakyCon Fun! — a guest: The group ends up at a Vietnamese sandwich place described as having one of the dirtiest-looking doors of any place you would actually eat. (00:00:58)
• 2009-06-03 · LeakyCon Fun! — a guest: Someone says they got drink mixers from a blood mobile after giving blood, joking that they will get drunk for charity. (00:02:07)
• 2009-11-29 · John Reviews Twilight and New Moon — Sarah Urist Green: Asked by John whether she needs a man who can bench press her body weight to feel whole, Sarah (the Yeti) answers "Obviously not." (00:01:38)
• 2009-12-23 · Amazing Christmas Facts With John and Hank — both: The brothers close the facts by singing the playground parody 'Jingle Bells, Batman Smells'. (00:03:18)
• 2009-12-27 · How To Be a Nerdfighter: A Vlogbrothers FAQ — both: The brothers explain that 'the Yeti' is John's wife and 'the Katherine' is Hank's wife. (00:02:55)