Best jokes of 2019

All 49 jokes rated strength 3 (the top of the 1–3 scale) in 2019 videos, in upload order: the setup (paraphrase), then the punchline as said, the kind of joke and who tells it.

Kinds this year: Absurd 29, Self-deprecation 8, Wordplay 5, Satire 2, Callback 2, Running bit 2, Visual gag 1.

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2019-01

A livestream voice announces, twice, the line that gives the recap its title → “Big Daddy likes pork rinds. Big Daddy likes pork rinds.” — Running bit, Hank — Bid Daddy Likes Pork Rinds - P4A Recap 2018! (2019-01-04, 00:02:05)
Everyone told Hank the secret to cold was layers. → “Like, oh, I never would have guessed that wearing more clothes would help.” — Satire, Hank — A Floridian's Guide to Living Someplace Very Very Cold (2019-01-25, 00:00:30)
Nobody warned him not to touch metal with bare hands because no one would do that. → “I'm from Florida; pretend I'm a baby.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — A Floridian's Guide to Living Someplace Very Very Cold (2019-01-25, 00:00:39)

2019-02

A stock photo is captioned as a disappointing Tinder date at the beach. → “Look, Steven, I'm just gonna say it. You really don't look, uh, very much like your Tinder profile pic.” — Absurd, Hank — The Most Bizarre Stock Photos I Could Find Brought to Life by Your Captions (2019-02-15, 00:00:25)
A strange stock photo gets a travel-regret caption about the island of Dr. Moreau. → “we probably should have checked out the Yelp reviews before visiting the island of Dr. Moreau.” — Absurd, Hank — The Most Bizarre Stock Photos I Could Find Brought to Life by Your Captions (2019-02-15, 00:01:13)
Hank closes with a twist on 'the real treasure was the friends we made along the way'. → “You know, I think the real pregnant dancing men were the stock photos we captioned along the way.” — Wordplay, Hank — The Most Bizarre Stock Photos I Could Find Brought to Life by Your Captions (2019-02-15, 00:02:49)
Answering whether liberal arts degrees are worth it, John points to himself. → “look at me, sitting here in a basement, talking to a camera.” — Self-deprecation, John — Battling Apathy and Searching for Meaning on Question Tuesday (2019-02-19, 00:01:56)
Defending his watery cereal, John turns the shaming back on milk drinkers. → “I think it's weird that all of you people drink your cereal with cow juice.” — Callback, John — Battling Apathy and Searching for Meaning on Question Tuesday (2019-02-19, 00:02:26)

2019-03

Every colonoscopy ends in massive farts because they inflate your colon. → “I am one with the wind in the sky.” — Absurd, Hank — How to Get a Colonoscopy (2019-03-22, 00:04:39)
Hank signs off to viewers who are doing their prep right now. → “I hope everything comes out okay.” — Wordplay, Hank — How to Get a Colonoscopy (2019-03-22, 00:06:55)
A viewer's parents have no sympathy for the spiders in their room. → “So I think the most likely underlying issue here is that your parents may be human-shaped conglomerations of spiders.” — Absurd, John — Optimism and Spider People: Question Tuesday from the Looking for Alaska Set (2019-03-26, 00:01:27)

2019-04

Hank admits DFTBA Brewing was an April Fools' joke while still selling its merch. → “Not a real, never gonna be a real thing, but the merch is real! The merch is always real.” — Absurd, Hank — TOO MANY MILKS (2019-04-05, 00:01:05)
Hank deleted a made-up character from his sequel because they didn't work. → “That's my job! I decide whether you exist.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — TOO MANY MILKS (2019-04-05, 00:03:05)
Hank describes a tender father-son moment, his son looking him in the eyes → “as he sneezed into my mouth” — Absurd, Hank — Making your Nothings into Somethings (2019-04-19, 00:00:00)
After signing off, John rushes back with title ideas for Hank's sequel → “Have you considered calling it the sequel? I mean, it is a sequel. Another idea, just gonna throw this one out, more light than heat.” — Callback, John — untitled (2019-04-23, 00:02:55)

2019-06

Told Keanu is like Jesus to him, John corrects that Jesus is like Jesus to him → “He's more like John the Baptist.” — Absurd, John — Question Tuesday with Miles and the Colonel: Manolo! (2019-06-18, 00:02:29)
Why North Americans call the common starling the European starling → “in much the same way that the French called syphilis the Italian disease and the Italians called it the French disease” — Wordplay, John — Seemed Like a Good Idea: Eugene Schieffelin and the European Starlings (2019-06-25, 00:00:58)
Wikipedia calls the starling's call unmusical but varied → “which incidentally is how I'm going to describe my singing voice from now on” — Self-deprecation, John — Seemed Like a Good Idea: Eugene Schieffelin and the European Starlings (2019-06-25, 00:01:27)

2019-07

Hank drags out a female sunfish's egg count of up to 300 million → “For clarity, that is more than the entire world population of adult sunfish.” — Absurd, Hank — You Need to Know About This Ridiculous Fish (2019-07-05, 00:02:36)
Hank lists the sunfish's ugly traits, then addresses all of them directly → “I love you. You're doing great. Keep being lumpy and magnificent.” — Absurd, Hank — You Need to Know About This Ridiculous Fish (2019-07-05, 00:03:36)
Sarah opens honeymoon beers with her two-day-old wedding ring → “True love.” — Absurd, John — Life Hacks My Wife Taught Me (2019-07-09, 00:02:55)
VidCon closed all balconies after one kid peed off one → “One person pees off a balcony and nobody else gets a balcony ever again.” — Absurd, Hank — Why Are We Still Doing This? - Reunion Video! (2019-07-12, 00:00:29)
Hank describes his salivary glands responding to the sour gush juice. → “It was like jacuzzi jets of saliva.” — Absurd, Hank — In Which Hank Consumes the Juice of Over 400 Gushers (2019-07-19, 00:01:47)

2019-08

Hank voices a male Dumbo octopus handing over sperm → “Hey! Use this whenever it works for you. Bye.” — Absurd, Hank — The Cutest Octopus (2019-08-02, 00:02:35)
Hank reveals a Dumbo octopus pin on his lapel → “It was there the whole time. No, it wasn't. I wasn't wearing this before.” — Visual gag, Hank — The Cutest Octopus (2019-08-02, 00:03:13)
Hank finds a fart noise machine in his nightstand. → “John, I'm a 39-year-old man and I can't bring myself to throw away a fart noise machine. It doesn't even have batteries.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — Decluttering the Somewhat Embarrassing Nightstand of a 39 Year-Old Best-Selling Author (2019-08-09, 00:01:18)
Having named their co-written novel 'Space prison love', John gives its release date → “Based on my current writing pace, look for it in 2031.” — Self-deprecation, John — Hank and John's Smooth Airport Reunion (2019-08-20, 00:02:04)
Someone left an inflatable crayon at the security checkpoint, which John calls cause for a full airport alarm → “100% some mom somewhere was like, oh, thank God we left that inflatable crayon.” — Absurd, John — Hank and John's Smooth Airport Reunion (2019-08-20, 00:03:03)

2019-09

Asked how he feels about the sunset period of his career, John insists he's fine. → “No worries, he said, staring into the middle distance as the fact of his irrelevance washed over him.” — Self-deprecation, John — Death, Love, and John's Religion: The Big Questions Take Over Question Tuesday (2019-09-03, 00:02:55)
After his sincere wish for Amy Krouse Rosenthal's farewell, John predicts his real last words. → “there's a pretty good chance my actual last words will be, Hank, I'll see you on Friday.” — Self-deprecation, John — Death, Love, and John's Religion: The Big Questions Take Over Question Tuesday (2019-09-03, 00:03:24)
'Butterfly' spoonerizes to 'flutter by'; then there is 'moth'. → “Sounds like the noise you make when a moth flies into your mouth.” — Wordplay, Hank — You Need to Know About This Caterpillar (2019-09-13, 00:00:28)
Hank assumes 'the fairies' are ferries, then finds the children's franchise → “oh my god it's not a boat this is way better than psych rock” — Absurd, Hank — Why Does Australia... (this video is bad, I'm sorry) (2019-09-20, 00:02:36)

2019-10

Maryland ranked above Montana's flag, which makes Hank suspicious → “because do they want me to know what the flag looks like? Because I've looked at it and I can't tell.” — Absurd, Hank — In Defense of Bad Flags (2019-10-04, 00:00:29)
New readers see the book, with its payphones and → “pre-vaping nicotine distribution systems” — Absurd, John — Looking for Alaska (...with Alaska) (2019-10-08, 00:00:29)
Birds are smart but ravens are smarter; if only they had owl eyes. → “If ravens had eyes like owls, we would let them teach kindergarten.” — Absurd, Hank — Your Life Will be Better After you Know About Frogmouths (2019-10-11, 00:00:29)
A baby frogmouth ticks every cute-brain box, which reveals something about Furbies. → “Furbies are infringing on the frogmouth trademark.” — Absurd, Hank — Your Life Will be Better After you Know About Frogmouths (2019-10-11, 00:01:27)
John decides he needs a mustache for Pizzamas and grows one on camera. → “Oh, God, it's terrible. Somehow it's worse because it's subtle.” — Absurd, John — PIZZAMAS IS HERE!!!! (2019-10-28, 00:00:00)
The last shirt riffs on the 'None pizza with left beef' meme. → “it's none pizza with left John.” — Wordplay, John — PIZZAMAS IS HERE!!!! (2019-10-28, 00:01:15)
Hank imagines the worker on the other end of a screen order quietly giggling at the request. → “I guess I'm gonna make a cheese.” — Absurd, Hank — The Truth about None Pizza with Left Beef (2019-10-29, 00:02:19)
After signing off, Hank ranks his own novel against the meme. → “I mean, I hope the book's good, but it's not gonna be as good as non-pizza with left beef!” — Absurd, Hank — The Truth about None Pizza with Left Beef (2019-10-29, 00:03:46)

2019-11

Asked why we are here 'in the largest sense', a cast member explains their parents decided to procreate, like the parents before them. → “I didn't sign up for this.” — Absurd, John — Letting It Snow with Kiernan Shipka, Shameik Moore, Anna Akana, and Blogbrother John Green (2019-11-05, 00:00:00)
Asked who they'd want to be snowed in with, a cast member's hesitant answer draws mock outrage from a co-star. → “I gotta say, for an actor, you are a bad one.” — Absurd, John — Letting It Snow with Kiernan Shipka, Shameik Moore, Anna Akana, and Blogbrother John Green (2019-11-05, 00:01:00)
Hank's suspicion confirmed: John's history is full of vending machine business videos. → “First one, should I quit my vending machine business? I knew it! I knew it!” — Absurd, Hank — Trolling Through John's YouTube History...GUESS WHAT I FOUND!? (2019-11-08, 00:01:27)
After a video on laundromat running costs, Hank stages a brotherly intervention. → “but I do want to have a serious conversation before you go start a laundromat.” — Absurd, Hank — Trolling Through John's YouTube History...GUESS WHAT I FOUND!? (2019-11-08, 00:02:16)
The Gold Coast Bulletin published the false story. → “How come I only read one story in the Gold Coast Bulletin this year, and it was that one?” — Satire, John — Kylie Jenner Shows Me What's Wrong with Reddit (2019-11-19, 00:02:17)
After building the whole homo/hetero, phone/graph system, Hank seethes at the name it gives words spelled alike but sounding different. → “WHY AREN’T THEY CALLED HETEROPHONES?” — Absurd, Hank — I'm Just Really Mad About Heteronyms… (2019-11-22, 00:03:14)
Asked for a dumb controversial opinion, Hank finally offers one. → “Butt... is legs.” — Absurd, Hank — My Most Controversial Opinion (2019-11-29, 00:01:17)
Twitter, which demanded a controversial opinion, screams at Hank for having one. → “YOU TOLD ME TO HAVE A CONTROVERSIAL OPINION!!!” — Absurd, Hank — My Most Controversial Opinion (2019-11-29, 00:02:36)

2019-12

In the livestream debate over Hank's 'butt is legs' opinion, a participant gives the medical verdict → “From a medical standpoint, butt is definitely legs. Anatomically, butt is legs.” — Running bit, Hank — Project for Awesome 2019 Recap (BUTT IS LEGS) (2019-12-31, 00:00:32)