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Best jokes of 2011

All 169 jokes rated strength 3 (the top of the 1–3 scale) in 2011 videos, in upload order: the setup (paraphrase), then the punchline as said, the kind of joke and who tells it.

Kinds this year: Absurd 81, Self-deprecation 18, Wordplay 32, Satire 15, Callback 9, Running bit 8, Visual gag 4, Comic / parody song 2.

← Humor overview · 2007 · 2008 · 2009 · 2010 · 2011 · 2012 · 2013 · 2014 · 2015 · 2016 · 2017 · 2018 · 2019 · 2020 · 2021 · 2022 · 2023 · 2024 · 2025 · 2026

2011-01

  • John treats 'is Benjamin Franklin a president?' as a question from people who don't know Franklin is dead. → “American hero, patriot, non-president, has died” — Absurd, John — Is bronchitis contagious? Is black a color? (2011-01-03, 00:01:39)
  • John combines every 'is Bieber' autocomplete into one description of what Google thinks we want to know. → “deceased, imprisoned, fifty-one-year-old, gay, bisexual, female, german basketball” — Absurd, John — Is bronchitis contagious? Is black a color? (2011-01-03, 00:02:12)
  • After demonstrating a thumping headdesk, Hank scolds John for his quiet one. → “You headdesked and you couldn't even hear your head hit the desk! Pathetic.” — Running bit, Hank — Homeless Man with a Golden Voice Gets a Job (2011-01-05, 00:02:04)
  • Asked his take on the Oxford comma, John answers with a list that dictates its own commas. → “Lovely, comma space, unintrusive, comma space, and absolutely necessary.” — Wordplay, John — CONCUSSED Question Friday (2011-01-07, 00:00:10)
  • Asked how he is so cool for a nerd, John rejects the premise. → “I would like to present you with middle school me” — Self-deprecation, John — CONCUSSED Question Friday (2011-01-07, 00:00:53)
  • After an 'excessive headdesk' John answers 'What's your middle name?' as if concussed. → “I don't know, is today Tuesday? Did I hit my head earlier?” — Running bit, John — CONCUSSED Question Friday (2011-01-07, 00:02:41)
  • If the years from 614 to 900-something AD never happened, then it isn't really 2011. → “it’s 1714. Makes you feel young again.” — Absurd, Hank — Top 5 Ridiculous Conspiracy Theories (2011-01-10, 00:01:07)
  • Nazis hid their UFOs at a secret base in Antarctica, and ever since those UFOs have been rummaging around the earth. → “bothering country folk in their nightgowns” — Absurd, Hank — Top 5 Ridiculous Conspiracy Theories (2011-01-10, 00:01:26)
  • John's zit is enormous. → “my camcorder believes that my zit is a face” — Self-deprecation, John — Top Six Conjoined Twin Pairs in History (2011-01-12, 00:00:02)
  • The Biddenden Maids' charity is commemorated forever on disgusting biscuits; John draws Hank a lesson. → “if you leave your money to your brother, he will spend it” — Absurd, John — Top Six Conjoined Twin Pairs in History (2011-01-12, 00:00:57)
  • Conjoined twins are all identical, and John's zit has been threatening self-consciousness. → “like an autonomous region of John Green” — Callback, John — Top Six Conjoined Twin Pairs in History (2011-01-12, 00:01:43)
  • Hank voices General Smedley Butler, asked to lead a coup against his friend Roosevelt. → “Why would I lead a coup against my man Frankie D?” — Absurd, Hank — Top 5 Actual Conspiracies (2011-01-14, 00:03:09)
  • John paraphrases Brazil's 2002 WTO complaint about US cotton subsidies. → “Americans are a bunch of cheating cheaters of cheatery” — Wordplay, John — Cheating Cheaters of Cheatery: The Amazing Story of Brazil's Cotton War with the U.S. (2011-01-17, 00:01:16)
  • Hank lists the simple stories we want: the untainted love of Edward and Bella, perfect and immortal. → “and it can be, because it's fake” — Satire, Hank — YOU ARE WRONG! (2011-01-19, 00:02:30)
  • John tells Hank and Nerdfighters that the conversations through his books are the most fulfilling thing in his life. → “Just kidding! It's Henry and Sarah!” — Self-deprecation, John — Looking for Alaska Five Years After the Printz Award (2011-01-21, 00:03:06)
  • John explains why the drug company is ruining Hank's life: its CEO doesn't work for patients with ulcerative colitis. → “He works for me!” — Satire, John — I OWN WARNER CHILCOTT! (2011-01-26, 00:00:30)
  • Speaking as an owner, John says if Warner Chilcott can't deliver real drugs at fair prices... → “then it can go Warner-Chilcot itself” — Running bit, John — I OWN WARNER CHILCOTT! (2011-01-26, 00:03:24)
  • People Google whether Hank is Batman, so he puts on a Batman mask; nobody is seeing it. → “Maybe I should talk like this.” — Visual gag, Hank — Is Hank Green Batman? (2011-01-28, 00:01:05)
  • Egypt's 10,000 political prisoners are a drop in the bucket next to China, yet nobody is fomenting revolution in China. → “unless you define fomenting as purchasing and revolution as iPods.” — Wordplay, John — Revolution in Egypt: A 4-Minute Introduction (2011-01-31, 00:01:39)
  • The next shiny story will hopefully be puppy-sized elephants; John will name one Louis and it will play with Willy in the snow. → “Were we talking about something? Egypt, right.” — Absurd, John — Revolution in Egypt: A 4-Minute Introduction (2011-01-31, 00:03:27)

2011-02

  • Asked who the eff Hank is, John gives Batman's description with Hank's name in it. → “Hank is also known as "The Caped Crusader" and "The Hank."” — Callback, John — QUESTION FRIDAY: Spelling is Hard Edition (2011-02-04, 00:00:59)
  • Asked why we have eyelids, John admits he doesn't know. → “blinking is for COWARDS.” — Absurd, John — QUESTION FRIDAY: Spelling is Hard Edition (2011-02-04, 00:02:21)
  • Hank marvels that the cancer dog smells your breath rather than your butt. → “Though it is a dog, so it's probably gonna sniff your butt anyway.” — Absurd, Hank — Cancer Sniffing Dog (2011-02-07, 00:02:58)
  • John compares the returning Pizza John mustache to herpes and the Transformers franchise. → “you can never be quite sure that it's gone away for good.” — Running bit, John — NERDFIGHTERS UNITE! (in your pants) (2011-02-09, 00:00:12)
  • To satisfy demands for more inside jokes, John stacks old in-jokes into one walk. → “while wearing a book called Tender Morsels in your pants on my head.” — Callback, John — NERDFIGHTERS UNITE! (in your pants) (2011-02-09, 00:00:28)
  • The Facebook app's 'remove Your Pants' messages sound like a bad text-based romance simulator, so Hank types a reply. → “You are touching the boob.” — Absurd, Hank — 200 People in Your Pants (2011-02-11, 00:00:23)
  • Hank's Jar Jar Binks figure seems to have been in some kind of accident. → “as if someone was not a big fan of him when that movie first came out.” — Visual gag, Hank — 200 People in Your Pants (2011-02-11, 00:02:17)
  • Hank explains why he is so tired after a night of work on the forum. → “I've been doing lots of things to Your Pants, all night long.” — Running bit, Hank — 200 People in Your Pants (2011-02-11, 00:03:34)
  • John buys his wife shampoo for Valentine's Day instead of a necklace. → “Good Lord, Hank, I've purchased cars that cost less than that shampoo.” — Absurd, John — CHUBBY BUNNY...blergh! (2011-02-14, 00:01:04)
  • John congratulates Hank on launching the Your Pants forum. → “great job with Your Pants! ...is a sentence I never thought I'd say.” — Running bit, John — CHUBBY BUNNY...blergh! (2011-02-14, 00:02:10)
  • Hank's fever dream, repeated all night: building a satellite out of Lego pieces. → “with an incompetent team of jerks who didn’t know how to build a satellite.” — Absurd, Hank — This Video Brought to you by Nyquil (2011-02-16, 00:00:28)
  • Israeli and Palestinian forum members merged their threads on Your Pants. → “Middle East peace in Your Pants.” — Running bit, Hank — This Video Brought to you by Nyquil (2011-02-16, 00:02:02)
  • Engen says he doesn't like to be around that much corn and isn't allowed in bouncy things... → “there's a restraining order.” — Absurd, Hank — Hank Interviews His Mayor (2011-02-21, 00:01:49)
  • Many viewers don't watch whole videos, particularly the giraffe sex ones, where they find only a guy talking. → “I hate this guy! Click!” — Callback, John — WE ARE 812 YEARS OLD (2011-02-23, 00:00:43)
  • Nerdfighteria has emitted more carbon in four years than an average Swede will in a lifetime. → “Nerdfighteria is already... a Swede.” — Absurd, John — WE ARE 812 YEARS OLD (2011-02-23, 00:02:17)
  • Gussie was 16 when 28-year-old boarder Charles Gowen lived with her family. → “Don't stand so close to Gussie...” — Comic / parody song, Hank — Gussie Manlove UNCOVERED! (2011-02-25, 00:00:42)
  • Gussie keeps changing her name, now going by Audrey G Manlove: 'It's like she's messing with us!' → “They call me Gussie, say I'm a Horsey, Manlove, or Gowen; always the same. That's not my name...” — Comic / parody song, Hank — Gussie Manlove UNCOVERED! (2011-02-25, 00:01:55)
  • John imagines Indiana talk radio defending naming the Harry Baals Government Center against East Coast critics. → “what this town needs is more Harry Baals.” — Wordplay, John — Harry Baals & Dick Trickle: The Funniest Names in History (2011-02-28, 00:01:52)

2011-03

  • Andrew Peacock's parents never tested his name out loud; Hank notices his story is turning into a limerick. → “Anyway, punchline: Droopycock.” — Wordplay, Hank — How to Name Your Baby Properly (2011-03-02, 00:00:46)
  • John will translate Gaddafi's quotations from Arabic to make the game challenging. → “"Is it in Arabic?" would be the primary question you would be asking.” — Absurd, John — SHEEN or GADDAFI? (2011-03-04, 00:00:24)
  • Asked 'dandy lions or dandelions?', John picks dandy lions, then asks what happens if you wish on one. → “He eats you.” — Wordplay, John — DANDY LIONS! It's Question Day (2011-03-09, 00:00:43)
  • John says Libba Bray broke both elbows and he isn't surprised; told a friend had done so, he would guess. → “I bet it was Libba!” — Absurd, John — DANDY LIONS! It's Question Day (2011-03-09, 00:01:48)
  • Asked his favorite old-school video game, John picks Pong because he likes games that are like life. → “Pong just keeps getting harder until you die.” — Absurd, John — DANDY LIONS! It's Question Day (2011-03-09, 00:02:31)
  • After Ivan marries the beautiful Anastasia, John offers Hank a lesson from history. → “Never be Russian and named Anastasia.” — Absurd, John — TERRIBLE (2011-03-18, 00:01:38)
  • After Ivan's massacres and the killing of his son, John tells Hank that is not even the worst thing Ivan ever did. → “427 years ago you died! In the middle of a chess game! Without telling anyone where your incredibly fancy library is!” — Absurd, John — TERRIBLE (2011-03-18, 00:02:17)
  • Cats believe all organisms are cats, John explains, so when your cat licks you he's thinking: → “I love you gigantic hairless cat, and to show you, I will lick you.” — Absurd, John — Why Does My Dog Eat Poop? (2011-03-23, 00:00:37)
  • Maple syrup urine disease has four main symptoms; the first is urine that smells like maple syrup. → “The other three are coma, brain damage, and death.” — Absurd, John — Why Does My Dog Eat Poop? (2011-03-23, 00:00:54)
  • 'Why does my cat bite me?' is a question wrongly put, John says, the real question being when the cat became a vampire. → “Make your peace with your friends and with your enemies, because your time is short, owner of vampire cat.” — Absurd, John — Why Does My Dog Eat Poop? (2011-03-23, 00:02:05)
  • Hank repeats Geico's offer of 'up to 15% or more' off car insurance, stressing each word. → “You could not create a more non-specific statement!” — Absurd, Hank — Hank is an Adorable, Drunk Princess (2011-03-25, 00:02:36)
  • After impersonating Toyota's guilt-tripping kid, Hank tells the carmaker off and points somewhere off camera. → “Y'know what Toyota? Eat it! And I'm pointing to a corndog” — Absurd, Hank — Hank is an Adorable, Drunk Princess (2011-03-25, 00:03:07)
  • John offers to define basketball for Nerdfighters who might not know it: two hollow cylinders, one sphere. → “It's essentially participatory geometry.” — Absurd, John — Participatory Geometry (2011-03-28, 00:00:53)
  • In an imaginary chat, LeBron James says he inserts spheres into cylinders, and it is incredibly fun and pays millions. → “Huh. I wouldn't have thought that job pays well.” — Absurd, John — Participatory Geometry (2011-03-28, 00:01:43)
  • After singing Slipknot's angry lyrics and greeting any Slipknot fans watching, Hank lands the comparison. → “They used the same chords as Justin Bieber.” — Absurd, Hank — The Ice Cream Changes (2011-03-30, 00:03:07)
  • Hank introduces Friday as the most popular song of the year, depending on your definition of popular and of year… → “and also on your definition of song” — Satire, Hank — The Ice Cream Changes (2011-03-30, 00:03:09)

2011-04

  • After naming Marie Curie's sister Bronislawa, John riffs on a rap song title. → “It’s hard out there for a Bronislawa.” — Wordplay, John — Many Truths, 1 Lie! (2011-04-01, 00:01:26)
  • Overexcited at news of the couple's baby, John has an accident with the champagne. → “And now I am seated in a pool of cheap champagne. What’s new?” — Visual gag, John — Tales of Nerd Love! (2011-04-06, 00:00:32)
  • John claims he is drunk because the champagne in his chair went into his pants and through his skin. → “I’m not a scientist, but I believe that’s called osmosis.” — Absurd, John — Tales of Nerd Love! (2011-04-06, 00:01:30)
  • The top autocompleted questions men ask about their wives are whether they are cheating and what their tax status is. → “And people say men aren’t romantic, Hank.” — Satire, John — Is My Boyfriend Gay? Is He Cheating? (2011-04-11, 00:00:24)
  • John says you want your blood pressure in the green or the yellow, not in the orange or the red. → “Yet another example, Hank, of why it’s good to be green.” — Wordplay, John — Is My Boyfriend Gay? Is He Cheating? (2011-04-11, 00:02:24)
  • Answering 'Is my baby sleeping too much?', John first reassures parents that a baby eating and gaining weight is fine. → “Second off, don’t take this personally, but I hate you.” — Absurd, John — Is My Boyfriend Gay? Is He Cheating? (2011-04-11, 00:02:34)
  • The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar at the same time. → “It was tense.” — Wordplay, Hank — 31 Jokes for NERDS! (2011-04-13, 00:00:34)
  • How many ears does Spock have? → “Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.” — Wordplay, Hank — 31 Jokes for NERDS! (2011-04-13, 00:01:32)
  • René Descartes is drinking beer in a bar and the bartender asks if he would like another. → “Rene Descartes said, “I think not.”” — Wordplay, Hank — 31 Jokes for NERDS! (2011-04-13, 00:02:15)
  • Heisenberg and Schrödinger are pulled over; Heisenberg knows exactly where he was, and the officer finds a dead cat in the trunk. → “and Schrodinger says, “Well, I do now!”” — Wordplay, Hank — 31 Jokes for NERDS! (2011-04-13, 00:02:57)
  • Calling it a historical moment, John is reminded of the great poet William Butler Yeats, who famously wrote: → “And what rough Humpy Hank, his hour come round at last, slouches towards Youtube, to be born?” — Wordplay, John — Humpy Hank (2011-04-15, 00:01:48)
  • Told that same-polarization lenses would ruin the 3D effect, Hank checks that this means a crisp, clear 2D image. → “Excellent. I will take 5000.” — Absurd, Hank — 2D Glasses! Take the Headache out of 3D (2011-04-18, 00:01:19)
  • After twelve minutes of John's monologue praising his work, the man finally speaks. → “Thank you, but I'm not Greg Mortenson.” — Absurd, John — Meeting Greg Mortenson (2011-04-25, 00:02:00)
  • John offers what he can add to the national Greg Mortenson discussion, echoing his mistaken-identity story. → “he looks like a lot of other white guys.” — Callback, John — Meeting Greg Mortenson (2011-04-25, 00:02:23)
  • Asked who the eff Hank is, John answers as if describing a dwarf planet. → “Hank is a Trans-Neptunian object 27 percent more massive than Pluto.” — Absurd, John — Peanut Butter Face Question Tuesday (2011-04-29, 00:00:51)

2011-05

2011-06

  • Right after the bit about every day being Friday, John signs off with 'I'll see you on Friday' without meaning to. → “it’s like I have calendrically specific dementia” — Self-deprecation, John — Men Running on Tanks and the Truth about Book Editors (2011-06-06, 00:03:43)
  • Hank traces pink's switch from boys to girls to Hitler's pink triangles. → “And that is why pink ribbons are for boobies.” — Absurd, Hank — Punishments, Floods, and Pink Hitler Babies (2011-06-08, 00:00:54)
  • To show shopping to unedited gangster rap, John replaces the curse words with the names of British Romantic poets. → “I'm a William Blake gangster, so of course you want my Samuel Taylor Coleridge” — Wordplay, John — Then I Took Off My Bra (2011-06-10, 00:01:06)
  • John wonders whether to read the audiobook of a novel narrated by a young woman, in his own voice. → “And then I took off my bra.” — Self-deprecation, John — Then I Took Off My Bra (2011-06-10, 00:03:00)
  • John reads the question 'What is the name of the hospital you were born in?' → “...asked the identity thief.” — Absurd, John — Question Tuesday! Paula Deen Riding Me (and critical reading) (2011-06-15, 00:02:06)
  • Asked his thoughts on Tumblr. → “the number one destination on the internet for images of Paula Dean riding” — Absurd, John — Question Tuesday! Paula Deen Riding Me (and critical reading) (2011-06-15, 00:02:34)
  • After promising to make urination quieter and reduce marital strife, Hank sits off-camera ('Yup yup yup yup'). → “Oh yeah, that's right. I just peed sitting down.” — Absurd, Hank — Top 7 Tips for LIFE (2011-06-17, 00:03:19)
  • Delegating the Sharpie colour choice, John links a poll on the Your Pants forum. → “There is a link in the doobly-doo to a pole in your pants. That sounds dirty.” — Wordplay, John — THE FAULT IN OUR STARS (2011-06-29, 00:01:10)

2011-07

  • Hank vows to put their best foot forward for the important Wall Street Journal readers arriving at the channel, then stops himself and cuts to the humping. → “no, I'm not.” — Absurd, Hank — Humping the Town (2011-07-01, 00:00:56)
  • After a long montage of humping things around town to a dance track, Hank checks on the newcomers. → “Are the Wall Street Journal viewers gone yet?” — Running bit, Hank — Humping the Town (2011-07-01, 00:02:11)
  • Describing his high-school warehouse job as 'manual labor Tetris', John adds the real conditions. → “manual labor Tetris in an un-air-conditioned, 110 degree warehouse with a lot of people yelling at you about how much you suck at Tetris” — Absurd, John — How to Turn Your Dumb Summer Job Into $162,000 (2011-07-04, 00:00:37)
  • Illustrating anchoring bias, Hank imagines John meeting a hot, nice, funny, socially active, awesome girl. → “if she hated the Mountain Goats, you would not care about any of that other stuff.” — Absurd, Hank — John Green is an IDIOT! And so are you. (2011-07-06, 00:01:41)
  • Insisting that the Mountain Goats being great is a fact, John's voice breaks mid-rant. → “And *yes* my voice cracked; I'm angry!” — Absurd, John — Kill the Dollar Bill! (2011-07-08, 00:00:16)
  • Insisting the Sharpie colour vote is serious business, John gives the link. → “There is a link in the doobly-doo to a poll in your pants” — Wordplay, John — Kill the Dollar Bill! (2011-07-08, 00:02:55)
  • John praises Strange Charm as the best song ever written about quarks. → “Admittedly low bar, but it exceeds it by a lot.” — Absurd, John — ELLEN HARDCASTLE IS HERE! A Reunion Video (2011-07-13, 00:02:11)
  • John garbles praise of Hank's dominance of little-known scientific-phenomena songs; Hank wants it on a t-shirt. → “Hank Green, dominating little-known scientific phenomena, comma, songs about.” — Wordplay, John — ELLEN HARDCASTLE IS HERE! A Reunion Video (2011-07-13, 00:02:33)
  • Hank makes two toy giraffes from LeakyCon 'go at it'. → “Really, it should be two dudes from what we've learned about giraffe love.” — Callback, Hank — HARDCASTLED! (2011-07-20, 00:00:54)
  • John blames the British for the lawn. → “we threw off their colonial yoke and said no to taxation without representation, but they got us on the lawns!” — Satire, John — Your Yard Is EVIL (2011-07-22, 00:01:44)
  • In the vegetable-garden world, neighbors ask how to cook your new turf grass. → “"no, you don't eat it."” — Absurd, John — Your Yard Is EVIL (2011-07-22, 00:02:43)
  • John recalls insisting to Sarah he would love mowing a huge Indianapolis lawn. → “so long story short, the heat index is 114 degrees, and I have to go mow the lawn.” — Self-deprecation, John — Your Yard Is EVIL (2011-07-22, 00:03:24)
  • Hank compares the truck's steel and safety equipment with his bicycle's protection. → “the most advanced safety equipment I've got is a frickin' foam hat.” — Absurd, Hank — I Am Not a P#$$Y - this video contains mild swear words. (2011-07-25, 00:01:27)
  • John finds a clone of himself signing books in the frame and orders him out. → “You can't live with them, and you can't sign a crap ton of books without them.” — Absurd, John — 150,000 Autographs (2011-07-27, 00:00:07)
  • Green won the Nerdfighters' Sharpie-colour poll, but John doesn't believe in winner-take-all. → “so I'm gonna do it like a German federal parliament,” — Absurd, John — 150,000 Autographs (2011-07-27, 00:03:10)

2011-08

  • Claiming to be on a green screen in Hank's office, John wishes he could remove the annoying GLaDOS, then reveals he really is there. → “Oh, wait, it's not. Goodbye GLaDOS.” — Visual gag, John — HANKLERFISH! (2011-08-15, 00:00:15)
  • John offers a haiku written for his gallbladder surgery. → “Stupid gall bladder. Not performing properly. I will kill you now!” — Absurd, John — HANKLERFISH! (2011-08-15, 00:01:57)
  • John says he keeps an image of Padre Pio, a Roman Catholic saint, where Hank keeps Kermit. → “I figured Padre Pio was a soccer player.” — Absurd, Hank — Hank's Question Tuesday DEBUT! (2011-08-17, 00:01:41)
  • After saying they never rewatch old videos, Hank admits he likes his own. → “I'm like that guy is so funny oh my god!” — Self-deprecation, Hank — Hank's Question Tuesday DEBUT! (2011-08-17, 00:02:30)
  • Working out what share of the signature sheets Hank must Hanklerfish, the brothers guess half a percent, then trust Hank's calculator. → “It's 20% according to Hank's calculator. We're so good at math.” — Self-deprecation, John — Outtake Insanity and NERD FACTOR (2011-08-19, 00:01:11)
  • Told gallbladder surgery leaves you feeling like you did a thousand crunches, the brothers wish it made you look like it too. → “They remove your gallbladder and install an eight pack.” — Absurd, John — Outtake Insanity and NERD FACTOR (2011-08-19, 00:01:11)
  • John tells Hank the last reason they came to Montana is that Hank is his brother and he... likes him. → “Oh, man. That was scary. I can barely even look you in the eyes.” — Callback, John — Outtake Insanity and NERD FACTOR (2011-08-19, 00:02:02)
  • Hank explained butterfly scales to a grade-school classmate, who punched him; Hank draws the moral. → “Some people punch in response to intimidation, so let that be a lesson to us all. Stop being smart.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — Thoughts from a Butterfly Hatch (2011-08-22, 00:00:59)
  • Lepidopterists can only reliably tell butterfly species apart by their genitalia, Hank warns prospective career-switchers. → “A lot of butterfly genitalia in your future.” — Absurd, Hank — Thoughts from a Butterfly Hatch (2011-08-22, 00:01:28)
  • John insists Scotland's national animal is the bagpipes, argues it is an animal, then googles the real answer → “Unicorns?! I hate them!” — Absurd, John — Will He Kiss You? Am I a Muggle? It's Question Friday. (2011-08-26, 00:02:47)
  • John says he kept a diary from 1984 to 1988 and quotes a memorable entry → “Today was a good day. My brother got sick.” — Absurd, John — Will He Kiss You? Am I a Muggle? It's Question Friday. (2011-08-26, 00:03:35)
  • Hank clinically describes human reproduction to the aliens → “This is one of our very favorite things to do - we enjoy this process” — Absurd, Hank — A Letter to the Aliens (2011-08-29, 00:01:42)

2011-09

  • Hank builds up the one profession in America that must know grammar, ruling out NYT editors, novelists and copy editors → “that cannot, will not, should not, ever, yes, tattoo artists!” — Absurd, Hank — Tattoo Typos, Senses, Posters and Bad Movies (2011-09-02, 00:01:22)
  • Hank's advice for the Shark Night 3D protagonists after their skiing friend is eaten by a shark in the lake → “Don't go back in the water! Done! You're safe!” — Absurd, Hank — Tattoo Typos, Senses, Posters and Bad Movies (2011-09-02, 00:02:48)
  • A police officer asks why John is filming a monument to a dead sheep; after a long stare John asks → “"Is it illegal?" and he said, "I don't know!"” — Absurd, John — Narrowly Avoiding Arrest: Some Airport Insanity (2011-09-16, 00:02:27)
  • A fog horn sounds; both shout 'A ferry!' and Hank asks Katherine what she thinks about ferries; she says she doesn't believe. → “She doesn't believe in fairies!” — Wordplay, Hank — Fifth Anniversary with The Katherine (2011-09-20, 00:02:31)
  • A nerdfighter found that Hank will age into popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher; John addresses Katherine. → “Catherine, enjoy it now because you will one day be married to Hankville Greenenbacher.” — Wordplay, John — NERD FACTOR (2011-09-21, 00:00:00)
  • John phones Mom, demands an immediate answer, and asks whether she ever had a romantic relationship with Orville Redenbacher. → “That was a pause!” — Callback, John — NERD FACTOR (2011-09-21, 00:02:35)
  • The bank refuses the ruggedly handsome poster guy a second loan. → “Do I need to unbutton a button for you?” — Self-deprecation, John — Awesome Bankers? (2011-09-26, 00:01:27)
  • At the candlelight ceremony John wraps his arms around Tiffany and starts licking her face. → “I start to smell the fact that my hair is on fire” — Self-deprecation, John — YouTube Survey: Balls and First Kisses (2011-09-30, 00:01:13)

2011-10

  • Hank explains his high-school group The Posse had five members and he was the only boy; a second Hank voice heckles him. → “Well, that explains a lot.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — The LHC and Alex's Survey (2011-10-03, 00:01:14)
  • Asked about the faster-than-light neutrino, Hank says he is reserving judgment and that it makes him want to make a noise, which he makes. → “That actually was probably the most articulate thing I've ever said about particle physics in my life.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — The LHC and Alex's Survey (2011-10-03, 00:03:36)
  • John explains sunlight, pollen, bees and the magic of it all to Henry in the garden. → “and then he looked at me, and he said, TV on?” — Absurd, John — SIGNING MADNESS (2011-10-05, 00:00:25)
  • John calls a Ulysses line 'arguably the first eight words of postmodernism'. → “Pro tip: insert 'arguably' into a sentence, and it becomes true!” — Absurd, John — Defying Wadsworth! (2011-10-14, 00:00:39)
  • Asked 'who the F is Hank?', John answers as if Hank were the island of Elba. → “Hank may be the largest island in the Tuscan archipelago, but Hank wasn't big enough for Napoleon.” — Absurd, John — Question Wed — THE COVER OF THE FAULT IN OUR STARS! (2011-10-19, 00:02:30)
  • In the Nerdfighters' iOS game, killing a poop-shooting Nintendo with a wind turbine triggers Hank's recorded voice. → “that is actually my voice screaming, holy giraffe sex!” — Absurd, Hank — Signing Psychosis, BlizzCon, TFiOS, Awesome Adventures, and URLatron (2011-10-21, 00:00:58)
  • John wonders whether the Sharpie chemicals are making him crazy and asks whether he is the sanest person in the room. → “I'm the only person in the room.” — Self-deprecation, John — Signing Psychosis Takes Over (2011-10-24, 00:00:25)
  • Hank praises the zombie-weapon makers as a small business, the lifeblood of America. → “These guys are the embodiment of the American dream, and also the embodiment of some other much weirder dreams.” — Satire, Hank — Pumpkin Slashing, Sexy Watermelons, and Zombie Tools with Jayne (2011-10-31, 00:00:42)

2011-11

  • John says calling it 'the fund' may make rich people think it is a hedge fund and invest. → “sorry, instead of getting a return on your investment, we're going to decrease world suck.” — Satire, John — LECTROJOG! (2011-11-02, 00:00:37)
  • John praises his paper jogger beyond reason. → “the single greatest gift that electricity gave us? The electrojog.” — Absurd, John — LECTROJOG! (2011-11-02, 00:01:47)
  • John imagines how a new viewer sees the channel: married to a yeti, riding smoky llamas. → “he's trying to steal our money through some Ponzi scheme involving t-shirts. It's all true, that and more” — Self-deprecation, John — LECTROJOG! (2011-11-02, 00:02:15)
  • After the hair-whorl statistic about gay men, Hank had Katherine check his own. → “I'm clockwise. So now we know for sure.” — Absurd, Hank — You CAN Judge a Book by its Cover! (2011-11-04, 00:01:23)
  • Promising to explain world history in 40 videos, John addresses the globe and a tiny nation on it. → “I am going to explain you in just 40 videos. Even you, Tuvalu.” — Absurd, John — IS THIS HEAVEN? (2011-11-07, 00:01:19)
  • After a $100 donation decided the facial-hair vote, Hank says every vote counts. → “And when I say vote, of course I mean dollar, because that's how America works.” — Satire, Hank — 27 Part Video (2011-11-09, 00:03:39)
  • John describes Hank's goatee. → “distant descendant of a Tribble attacked your face.” — Absurd, John — The Bank of Nerdfighteria (2011-11-11, 00:01:23)
  • John boasts he has never not been paid back on his Kiva loans. → “Said the novelist using a double negative.” — Wordplay, John — The Bank of Nerdfighteria (2011-11-11, 00:02:17)
  • Listing the life milestones he passed in his T-shirt-and-jeans uniform. → “when I touched my first boob and the first time I read Thoreau” — Absurd, Hank — T-Shirt and Jeans - A Song (2011-11-14, 00:00:46)
  • After calling meteor apocalypses boring and admitting he may be inviting one, John addresses the world directly. → “World, if you end that way, it's super cliche.” — Absurd, John — Top 5 Zombie Apocalypses OF ALL TIME (2011-11-16, 00:03:21)
  • Mocking the PROTECT IP Act's contrived acronym name, Hank says it makes him want to co-sponsor a bill of his own. → “the Anti Contrived Representations of Name Yielding Mnemonics Seriously Shut Up Congress Act” — Wordplay, Hank — Top 5 Reasons ████ ██ ██████ (2011-11-18, 00:01:45)
  • John agrees with Hank that the bills before Congress are a steaming hot slice of crazy. → “which is now apparently a vegetable” — Satire, John — Old Man Narrates Young Girl (2011-11-21, 00:01:27)
  • Answering why the Kardashians are famous, Hank says we decide who's famous and he has decided they aren't. → “Cardassians are famous” — Wordplay, Hank — Why are Barns Red and Kardashians Famous (2011-11-23, 00:02:11)
  • Hank gives two real reasons manhole covers are round, then a third. → “To give douchebags an annoying and meaningless question to ask in job interviews.” — Satire, Hank — Why are Barns Red and Kardashians Famous (2011-11-23, 00:02:27)
  • After explaining that honey badgers drive bees off with foul anal-gland scent, John spells out the weapon. → “They use a fart attack!” — Absurd, John — Honey Badgers: The Crazy Truth (2011-11-30, 00:00:58)
  • Explaining why no predator wants to attack a honey badger, John reaches for a comparison, then defends its obscurity. → “because honey badgers are harder to kill than 19th century Russian monks!” — Absurd, John — Honey Badgers: The Crazy Truth (2011-11-30, 00:01:33)

2011-12

  • Building to his claim that language created humanity, Hank says it is 'just so' — and a bleep stands where the swear would be, before he finishes. → “And it's just so . Beautiful.” — Wordplay, Hank — F#*%? An Explanation of Curse Words (2011-12-02, 00:02:20)
  • The Pasta Bible's tagliatelle recipe calls for salt and ground black... → “People. They meant pepper, but they wrote people.” — Wordplay, John — 5 Worst Typos of History (2011-12-05, 00:00:51)
  • In 1631 printers of a new King James Bible left 'not' out of the seventh commandment, so it read 'thou shalt...' → “commit adultery.” — Absurd, John — 5 Worst Typos of History (2011-12-05, 00:02:40)
  • If Lemon were a 19th-century lawman... → “she'd be Wyatt Derp.” — Wordplay, Hank — World's Stupidest Dog (2011-12-07, 00:00:20)
  • John unbuttons again, having read that it makes people listen when he talks about charity. → “Oh, that only works for really pretty people? Why are you always so mean to me, off-screen figment of my imagination?” — Self-deprecation, John — Puppies and The Tour de Nerdfighting 2012 (2011-12-09, 00:03:06)
  • Hank answers John's 'Obelisks' with 'phallus'. → “It's just - all balls and phalluses today, here.” — Absurd, John — Greek Phallic Disco Golf Balls: A Free Association Game (2011-12-14, 00:02:20)
  • After 'corruption', Hank says 'Berlusconi'; John's association is the Italian prime minister's sex scandal. → “Sex with 17-year-old girls.” — Satire, John — Greek Phallic Disco Golf Balls: A Free Association Game (2011-12-14, 00:03:15)
  • John covered his face in Sharpie for P4A; right after, someone rang his doorbell and he panicked. → “I'm not trying to be the guy in the neighborhood with the Sharpie face, so I just hid.” — Self-deprecation, John — Sharpie Face and Little Hank: The Project for Awesome's Aftermath (2011-12-19, 00:01:13)
  • Rejecting 'not my merit', Hank picks an anagram for Mitt Romney. → “I think I'm gonna go with Yo, Mr. Mitten, because I've decided that I'm calling him Mr. Mitten from now on.” — Wordplay, Hank — 2011 Presidential Anagrams!! (2011-12-21, 00:01:40)
  • Hank introduces Rick Santorum, 'which anagrams...'. → “Amazingly enough, to Rick Santorum. You don't have to do anything to his name to make it funny anymore.” — Wordplay, Hank — 2011 Presidential Anagrams!! (2011-12-21, 00:02:06)
  • Gingrich's name holds 'right wing'; adding his middle name Leroy, Hank finds the rest. → “right wing Cylon with some other letters left over” — Wordplay, Hank — 2011 Presidential Anagrams!! (2011-12-21, 00:02:33)
  • John explains that the male goat pees on his beard to attract females. → “Lady goats, it turns out, love a good pee-stained goatee. Oh! Goatee! Just got that.” — Wordplay, John — Goats Mating (2011-12-28, 00:01:27)
  • After the long, misdirected goat courtship, the mating finally happens. → “success! Terrifying, horrible success!” — Absurd, John — Goats Mating (2011-12-28, 00:02:07)
  • From the American belief that the market should control everything, Hank jumps to the UK getting QI and Doctor Who while the US gets fictional-apocalypse documentaries. → “is why tipping kills Time Lords.” — Absurd, Hank — How to Tip Properly (2011-12-30, 00:03:25)