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Best jokes of 2009

All 238 jokes rated strength 3 (the top of the 1–3 scale) in 2009 videos, in upload order: the setup (paraphrase), then the punchline as said, the kind of joke and who tells it.

Kinds this year: Absurd 107, Self-deprecation 33, Wordplay 39, Satire 24, Callback 3, Running bit 13, Visual gag 7, Comic / parody song 12.

← Humor overview · 2007 · 2008 · 2009 · 2010 · 2011 · 2012 · 2013 · 2014 · 2015 · 2016 · 2017 · 2018 · 2019 · 2020 · 2021 · 2022 · 2023 · 2024 · 2025 · 2026

2009-01

  • Asked "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" right after the giraffe urine facts, John says yes only if it is how unerotic that is. → “you disgust me.” — Absurd, John — Giraffe Love and Other Questions ANSWERED (2009-01-03, 00:01:09)
  • John mocks "Are you a banana?" until he notices he has a peelable pale exterior and edible insides. → “I am a banana.” — Absurd, John — Giraffe Love and Other Questions ANSWERED (2009-01-03, 00:02:22)
  • Defending his love of a defunct pizza-chain band, Hank reaches for a grand comparison. → “And just because John Lennon was shot doesn't mean I don't like the Beatles.” — Absurd, Hank — The Rock-Afire Explosion Controversy (2009-01-06, 00:01:48)
  • The narrator hails the internationally best-selling album, then admits So Jokes is not out yet. → “but it will be internationally best-selling, depending on how you define that term.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — Hank Green: Behind the Music (2009-01-07, 00:00:29)
  • Hank describes producer Schmidt as what would happen if Weird Al Yankovic and John Lennon had a baby. → “And it was BALD. Most babies are bald.” — Absurd, Hank — Hank Green: Behind the Music (2009-01-07, 00:01:03)
  • Quoting Wikipedia's 'The French first penetrated Chad in 1891', John interviews Chad about whether the French penetrated it again. → “Oh my yes, they penetrated me repeatedly.” — Wordplay, John — SOMALI PIRATES! France Penetrates Chad! (2009-01-11, 00:01:30)
  • John picks apart the Transitional Federal Government: nine years old, controls a third of the country. → “it has a funny way of being a government.” — Satire, John — SOMALI PIRATES! France Penetrates Chad! (2009-01-11, 00:02:35)
  • After copying out Ice Ice Baby lyrics in his diary, young John sums up his musical taste. → “I like rap. I like black nationalist rap.” — Absurd, John — Beanie John's Love Advice (2009-01-13, 00:00:58)
  • Reassuring eighth graders that he turned out all right, John offers his present life as proof. → “I mean, I'm a grown man wearing a beanie making videos on the internet.” — Self-deprecation, John — Beanie John's Love Advice (2009-01-13, 00:02:21)
  • The narrator describes his ideal car. → “all I want's a V8 Hemi weighing 8,000 pounds, if it weighs any, getting two or three gallons to the mile” — Satire, Hank — TIny Cars SUCK! (2009-01-14, 00:00:42)
  • The narrator explains what driving a tiny car would make him. → “I'd live in France I'd be a commie and my wife would be hairy and I'd wear ridiculous pants” — Satire, Hank — TIny Cars SUCK! (2009-01-14, 00:00:42)
  • Hank announces a big philosophical question the auto show has raised. → “which is why I haven't peed yet.” — Running bit, Hank — Hank Green from the Detroit Auto Show (2009-01-16, 00:01:57)
  • John asks whether two presidents who swore on law books were bad presidents. → “Actually, they were both really bad presidents.” — Absurd, John — PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA Inaugurated: Some Historical Background (2009-01-18, 00:00:54)
  • After recounting William Henry Harrison's coatless two-hour inaugural address and death 31 days later, John advises Obama. → “So keep it short, Barack, and wear a coat.” — Absurd, John — PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA Inaugurated: Some Historical Background (2009-01-18, 00:02:41)
  • Hank reads a teenage rap lyric about a Pentium CPU, viruses and skipping class. → “apparently I like to rap about hacking” — Self-deprecation, Hank — Hank's Journal!!! (2009-01-20, 00:02:04)
  • Hank imagines being a parent who finds this journal. → “I would also be concerned for the safety and well-being of children near him” — Self-deprecation, Hank — Hank's Journal!!! (2009-01-20, 00:02:04)
  • After the bacon-grease result, Hank insists he is not making these up. → “I hope Hank is not a person. I hope Hank is a dog.” — Absurd, Hank — Google Verb! A Meme. (2009-01-21, 00:01:02)
  • The 'Hank likes' search result. → “Hank likes to watch men pee on Flickr.” — Absurd, Hank — Google Verb! A Meme. (2009-01-21, 00:01:14)
  • As a child John believed stairs meant wealth, so he imagined the IRS asking how many stairs you have. → “And they were like, "That'll be $20,000."” — Absurd, John — Before Looking for Alaska… (2009-01-27, 00:00:51)
  • John apologizes to Mom and Dad for the book's insults and starts to reassure Hank. → “well, actually you could stand to take more showers.” — Absurd, John — Before Looking for Alaska… (2009-01-27, 00:01:52)
  • The chorus of the Britney Spears parody swaps in a financial word. → “Stock Advisor, you are my investment analyzer.” — Comic / parody song, Hank — Stock Adviser (Via Britney) (2009-01-28, 00:01:01)
  • The narrator sums up what the advisor's promises led to. → “I will not retire until I'm 85.” — Comic / parody song, Hank — Stock Adviser (Via Britney) (2009-01-28, 00:01:34)

2009-02

  • John wants a team name that celebrates tenacity, reminding opponents they can't stop you, only hope to contain you. → “Like the Arizona herpes.” — Absurd, John — Super Bowl Analysis from an Idiot (2009-02-01, 00:01:38)
  • John shows a 'professionally produced' Venn diagram of NFL fans and Twilighters with very limited overlap; the only place the circles touch... → “is me.” — Self-deprecation, John — Super Bowl Analysis from an Idiot (2009-02-01, 00:02:34)
  • Hank relays a Nerdfighter's marriage proposal and explains why he votes yes. → “my theory is that he will stop emailing me about it.” — Absurd, Hank — Five Parts (2009-02-03, 00:00:50)
  • Darth Vader pulls Luke close and says he knows what Luke is getting for Christmas; Luke asks how. → “I felt your presence” — Wordplay, Hank — 51 Jokes (in Four Minutes) (2009-02-04, 00:01:55)
  • Mary Poppins becomes a Beverly Hills fortune teller who reads your future by smelling your breath. → “They call her the Supercaliforniamysticexperthalitosis.” — Wordplay, Hank — 51 Jokes (in Four Minutes) (2009-02-04, 00:02:42)
  • A sad friend is told ten jokes meant to cheer him up. → “Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.” — Wordplay, Hank — 51 Jokes (in Four Minutes) (2009-02-04, 00:03:13)
  • Williamson agreed to 'reconsider the historical evidence' of the Holocaust. → “Which is like reconsidering the historic evidence that America had a president called Ronald Reagan.” — Satire, John — All Aboard the Fail Boat (2009-02-08, 00:01:06)
  • John contrasts the funny 'in your pants' book title with a not-funny hoopskirt designed to rob women of power. → “And Richard Williamson, you, bishop or no, will NOT take away my in-your-pants-jokes.” — Callback, John — All Aboard the Fail Boat (2009-02-08, 00:01:56)
  • Second reason Song of Myself is central to Paper Towns: Walt Whitman is hot. → “that guy could sound his barbaric yelp over the roofs of my world anytime.” — Wordplay, John — Paper Towns Tastic Question Tuesday (2009-02-10, 00:00:00)
  • After explaining the colour symbolism, John stages a cow fighting a Black Santa. → “That is the first time in the history of YouTube that a cow has had a fight with a Black Santa.” — Visual gag, John — Paper Towns Tastic Question Tuesday (2009-02-10, 00:01:51)
  • Hank sings that the anglerfish, which never feels love's pain, has found happiness: the male just fuses to the female. → “becomes a sperm-producing parasite” — Comic / parody song, Hank — A Song About an Anglerfish (2009-02-11, 00:01:07)
  • John's economic credential: a 1994 Academic Decathlon bronze, making him the third-best economist... → “among high school students with grade point averages of under 3.0 in the state of Alabama.” — Self-deprecation, John — Stimulus Plan Explained (2009-02-15, 00:00:20)
  • Next on the list of improvable movies is Paul Blart: Mall Cop. → “Paul Blart Small Cop, and he was a diminutive detective” — Wordplay, Hank — Fake Movie Talk With A Sock (2009-02-18, 00:01:02)
  • The winning joke: today I changed a light bulb, crossed the street and walked into a bar. → “It was then that I realized my life is a joke.” — Absurd, Hank — Winners and Winners and Ningmasters (2009-02-18, 00:00:27)
  • People assumed John avoided the name Wikipedia for fear of being sued. → “no one in all of human history has less standing to sue anyone for anything than Wikipedia” — Satire, John — Paper Towns and PUPPY (2009-02-21, 00:01:00)
  • Oil must be mined, shipped, refined and trucked, yet gasoline is cheaper than Fierce Grape Gatorade. → “to produce fierce grape Gatorade, I believe all you have to do is milk purple alligators” — Absurd, John — Big Oil RIPS YOU OFF — via Unfair Mathematics (2009-02-22, 00:00:29)
  • John quotes Lincoln: you can't fool all the people all the time. → “Unless it's a question of math, then you can, in fact, fool all the people all the time.” — Satire, John — Big Oil RIPS YOU OFF — via Unfair Mathematics (2009-02-22, 00:01:56)
  • John reads Wikipedia's supposed origin of the term Dutch rounding from the Dutch Golden Age's opulent feasts. → “feasts where many prominent Dutchmen grew round” — Wordplay, John — Big Oil RIPS YOU OFF — via Unfair Mathematics (2009-02-22, 00:02:25)
  • Since only giraffe-sex videos draw more men than women, John's first advice for getting boys to like you. → “you should become a giraffe.” — Absurd, John — How to Make Guys Like You (2009-02-24, 00:00:43)
  • John imagines asking an 18th-century boy whether he'd marry a woman with plastic bags inserted into her breasts. → “"What's plastic?"” — Absurd, John — How to Make Guys Like You (2009-02-24, 00:01:23)
  • After a full love song of tangled 'I know / you think / baby' lines, Hank reveals the constraint. → “That song only has ten words in it” — Wordplay, Hank — I Know (A Song in Ten Words) (2009-02-25, 00:01:27)

2009-03

  • John reminds Hank of the famous axiom 'gentlemen prefer blondes'. → “philosophers prefer cross-eyed women.” — Wordplay, John — Free Will Fetish (2009-03-01, 00:00:38)
  • John notes he played with Star Wars figures as a kid but didn't grow up with a figurine fetish. → “That would be crazy, you know, like when Princess Leia and Han Solo... I mean, that'd be... That'd be nuts.” — Self-deprecation, John — Free Will Fetish (2009-03-01, 00:01:07)
  • Hank says America needs some new non-profit organizations. → “the Coalition to Never Allow Beverly Hills Chihuahua to be the only option for an in-flight movie” — Absurd, Hank — Eating Man Meat (2009-03-03, 00:02:15)
  • Hank will laugh at the Peeps video and cry at the school video. → “Nerdfighting is a full-service emotional operation. We take you to all the possible feelings.” — Absurd, John — PEEPS for Bangladesh (2009-03-08, 00:02:15)
  • Girls like Willy because he is a puppy. → “my first piece of advise about getting girls to like you: become a puppy.” — Absurd, John — How to Get Girls to Like You (2009-03-10, 00:01:22)
  • Asked why he never sings while Hank has Song Wednesday. → “that gift was me not singing anymore.” — Self-deprecation, John — How to Get Girls to Like You (2009-03-10, 00:02:46)
  • Katherine lists Edward's virtues: protection, century-old investments. → “For a century he saved his virginity for me.” — Comic / parody song, Katherine Green — I'm Not Edward Cullen: A Song (2009-03-11, 00:01:07)
  • Hank sings that loving Edward for his fancy cars is superficial. → “but Edward Cullen also never ever has to fart.” — Comic / parody song, John and Hank — I'm Not Edward Cullen: A Song (2009-03-11, 00:01:58)
  • In the bridge, Hank answers Katherine's praise of Edward with a jab at Twilight's vampire pregnancy. → “I hope someday his child will rip its way outta your womb.” — Comic / parody song, John and Hank — I'm Not Edward Cullen: A Song (2009-03-11, 00:02:03)
  • buttfires.com: an e-greeting card you send when someone is late with their proposal. → “which would basically be the internet version of lighting a fire under someone's ass.” — Wordplay, Hank — Dr. Manhattan's Dangle and Brain Crack (2009-03-18, 00:02:33)
  • Stuff on my cat works, babies are as cute as cats, so stuffonbabies.com would do well. → “that is a domain name I actually own.” — Absurd, Hank — Dr. Manhattan's Dangle and Brain Crack (2009-03-18, 00:03:02)
  • A Dutch journalist says Paper Towns was much better in Dutch; John asks why. → “and she said "much funnier"” — Self-deprecation, John — John Loves Amsterdam (2009-03-22, 00:02:40)
  • John predicts viewers will laugh at his pain when he eats the Peeps. → “if it weren't for schadenfreude, there would be no Freude at all.” — Wordplay, John — Peeps! Prom! Puppy! (2009-03-24, 00:00:53)
  • After Miles agrees to go to prom with the viewer, John reflects on his own record. → “That went much better than the last time I asked someone to prom.” — Self-deprecation, John — Peeps! Prom! Puppy! (2009-03-24, 00:01:47)
  • Squirrel names have a vocal part and a tail-movement part; Hank names the song's squirrel. → “And this song is about a squirrel named Scuzzy Kizoozle ... Curl.” — Absurd, Hank — Squirrel Attack! (2009-03-25, 00:00:54)
  • The ballad builds up the most dreaded way to die under Ireland's skies. → “Oh, she's a six-ounce ball of blood, muscle, and fur,” — Absurd, Hank — Squirrel Attack! (2009-03-25, 00:01:30)
  • John stages a one-man boycott protest demanding Hank's Carrie Bradshaw punishment, marching and chanting. → “Hey, hey! Ho, ho! Into a skirt Hank's gotta go!” — Absurd, John — Tiny Chickens Cause Epic Fail (2009-03-29, 00:01:09)

2009-04

  • Hank notes Northwest Airlines shares its acronym NWA (with the rap group, implied). → “So every time I'm at the airport and I walk up to the NWA counter, I'm like...” — Wordplay, Hank — A Few Of My Favorite Things (2009-04-01, 00:02:40)
  • Viewers expecting Hank's Carrie Bradshaw punishment get a 'Hankroll': he sings the Rick Astley song (costume per the description). → “I'm never gonna give you up” — Visual gag, Hank — HANKROLL'd (2009-04-01, 00:00:17)
  • John says he isn't run by a crazy 68-year-old Korean grandmother named Kim Jong-il, then is corrected off-camera. → “Kim Jong-Il is apparently a dude.” — Absurd, John — The EVIL BABY ORPHANAGE Returns for North Korea (2009-04-05, 00:01:23)
  • China, North Korea's one crazy friend, writes a letter praising its totalitarianism and cult of personality, then objects. → “But come on! WTF? Best wishes, China.” — Satire, John — The EVIL BABY ORPHANAGE Returns for North Korea (2009-04-05, 00:01:48)
  • To go forward in time faster you just have to move really fast; Hank runs around. → “Unfortunately I don't think that that was fast enough and now I have a little bit of a headache.” — Visual gag, Hank — Become a Time Traveller TODAY! (2009-04-08, 00:02:15)
  • The narrator lists years spent chewing and wooing, then addresses the listener's curiosity. → “And, I'm sure you're curious, almost three years pooing” — Absurd, Hank — It All Makes Sense at the End (2009-04-08, 00:00:39)
  • He spent nearly a full year masturbating. → “Second only to the year we spent copulating” — Absurd, Hank — It All Makes Sense at the End (2009-04-08, 00:01:05)
  • His pitch ends up describing an unhealthy long-term relationship with the cereal. → “That's...awesome, that's a great way to...get diabetes.” — Absurd, John — The Death of Youtube?? Redesign Coming (2009-04-12, 00:02:32)
  • The boys of Boys Town made a ball of more than four million stamps. → “what you can accomplish if you're bored And orphaned.” — Absurd, John — The World's Largest Balls (2009-04-14, 00:01:10)
  • After reading Aristotle's three precepts from Joel's MySpace. → “fourth, don't make that end a rubber band ball.” — Absurd, John — The World's Largest Balls (2009-04-14, 00:01:45)
  • The 'American Pie' lament retitled for the rumoured YouTube redesign. → “♪ the YouTubes died. ♪” — Comic / parody song, Hank — The Day the YouTubes Died (2009-04-16, 00:01:00)
  • Hank keeps slipping into other parody lyrics of the same song while recording. → “Yes, there can be too many parodies for one song.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — The Day the YouTubes Died (2009-04-16, 00:03:34)
  • John clarifies that his $1,000 would not go 'to malaria' and acts out handing the disease money. → “You are the scourge of our species. Here's a thousand dollars.” — Absurd, John — Weekend of Surreality (2009-04-19, 00:00:48)
  • John's second piece of wedding advice for Nerdfighters. → “if it is at all possible, get married inside of an elephant.” — Absurd, John — Weekend of Surreality (2009-04-19, 00:01:47)
  • Asked about a Nerdfighter initiation, John describes a 'small one'. → “You have to ride a puppy-sized elephant around the circumference of winter South Dakota while holding an abundance of catherines in your pants” — Running bit, John — Question Tuesday (2009-04-21, 00:00:40)
  • Asked 'who the F is Hank?', John answers as if Hank were a dog breed while Willy appears. → “Hank is a breed of dog known for its distinctive white coat.” — Running bit, John — Question Tuesday (2009-04-21, 00:03:02)
  • A DFTBA backronym verse starts 'It's so damn fine to be alive,' then turns on John. → “Until your dorky, farting, turdface brother arrives.” — Wordplay, Hank — DFTBA (2009-04-23, 00:01:28)
  • Asked whether the world will end in 2012. → “Oh come on, eschatological anxiety is so 1999.” — Absurd, John — Saturday Video?!?!?! (2009-04-25, 00:01:34)
  • Among the news stories he follows, John lists the breakup of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha. → “I-don't-know-your-last-name-and-wish-I-didn't-know-your-first-name.” — Satire, John — Peanut Butter Face Discusses Sri Lanka (2009-04-26, 00:00:24)
  • John says he knows how to get people to pay attention to serious international news. → “Peanut Butter Face!” — Running bit, John — Peanut Butter Face Discusses Sri Lanka (2009-04-26, 00:00:52)
  • Hank prepares viewers for the sound of the goat birth. → “In my opinion, what you're about to hear sounds like a velociraptor puking.” — Absurd, Hank — A GOAT GIVING BIRTH (2009-04-30, 00:00:45)
  • Over the birth footage Hank sings a solemn-sounding ballad about what he is seeing. → “It was a goat giving birth, oh god, that's really, really gross” — Comic / parody song, Hank — A GOAT GIVING BIRTH (2009-04-30, 00:01:10)

2009-05

  • Listing names for H1N1 flu, John adds his own coinage. → “I think oinkbarf is its technical name.” — Wordplay, John — Oinkbarf Pandemic! An Intellectual Response to Swine Flu (2009-05-04, 00:01:20)
  • After arguing pandemics make us afraid of oblivion, not death, John adds another reason. → “Also, they make us barf, which isn't fun either.” — Absurd, John — Oinkbarf Pandemic! An Intellectual Response to Swine Flu (2009-05-04, 00:03:07)
  • John says his 11-year-old self would have held 8-year-old Hank down under the ball-pit balls. → “A, I'm not sorry, and B, I think having a deep fear of fun balls is actually quite healthy.” — Absurd, John — HANKO DE MAYO! Happy Birthday Hank! (2009-05-05, 00:02:19)
  • John claims it is now believed swine flu started inside ball-pit 'fun balls'. → “The scientists are actually thinking about renaming it fun ball flu.” — Absurd, John — HANKO DE MAYO! Happy Birthday Hank! (2009-05-05, 00:02:49)
  • The song opens like a standard heartbreak ballad about how love hurts and stories end sadly. → “But what do you do when her boyfriend's dead?” — Comic / parody song, Hank — Dead Boy's Girlfriend (2009-05-06, 00:00:00)
  • Harry swallows Gillyweed and dives into the lake hoping to find his crush among the girls held hostage. → “But it was freakin' Ron Weasley who was waiting for me” — Absurd, Hank — Dead Boy's Girlfriend (2009-05-06, 00:00:56)
  • Harry recalls finishing the maze with Cedric and grabbing the cup together, hoping to share more. → “I thought maybe he could share something else with me But a minute later he was dead” — Absurd, Hank — Dead Boy's Girlfriend (2009-05-06, 00:01:55)
  • Hank recasts the Star Trek opening narration as the voyages of the ship Nerdfighteria on YouTube, then stops at the split infinitive. → “to go boldly. We do not split infinitives here.” — Wordplay, Hank — Star Trek: The Movie, Review (2009-05-08, 00:00:00)
  • Hank recalls spotting the random crewman with the bombs in the drill jump scene. → “Yep, random crewman. He's gonna die.” — Absurd, Hank — Star Trek: The Movie, Review (2009-05-08, 00:03:08)
  • John plays Wii with the Poe bust and beats him. → “Oh! You just got Edgar Allan Pwned!” — Wordplay, John — What Could You Do with a Poe Bust?! (2009-05-10, 00:00:31)
  • Suggesting you could waterboard the bust, John interrogates Poe as if he were a suspect. → “I'm gonna ask you one last time, Edgar. What does the raven symbolize?” — Absurd, John — What Could You Do with a Poe Bust?! (2009-05-10, 00:01:08)
  • A card says he will frustrate his enemies by showing them indifference. → “Which is generally how I handle my enemies, since I didn't realize I had any.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — My Birthday Rocks (2009-05-13, 00:00:32)
  • Hank calls out background colours on the green screen, ending with green. → “Black! Red! Green! Oh, right.” — Visual gag, Hank — GREEN SCREEN!!!! (2009-05-13, 00:00:00)
  • To explain why he will not say Myanmar, John imagines a US military junta renaming America. → “the Democratic Socialist Republic of Poopyface Funnypants,” — Absurd, John — Burma! Myanmar? BURMA! (2009-05-17, 00:01:11)
  • John asks Hank if he knows what Burma's government gives you for winning the Nobel Peace Prize. → “House arrest.” — Satire, John — Burma! Myanmar? BURMA! (2009-05-17, 00:02:19)
  • Asked for what's in the basket behind him, John says it holds only the job of separating his books on Islam from those on Christianity. → “No offense, but the wicker basket is doing a fantastic job. Why would I replace it with a human being?” — Absurd, John — Question Tuesday! (2009-05-19, 00:01:19)
  • Waking after the colonoscopy while the doctor reads his chart, Hank gets his attention. → “I called his attention to me with a 15 minute fart” — Absurd, Hank — Ulcerative Colitis: A Song (2009-05-20, 00:00:34)
  • John says someone dressed as Dumbledore put a hand on his shoulder at the bar. → “I've been waiting my whole life for Dumbledore to buy me a drink.” — Absurd, John — WROCK! (2009-05-24, 00:00:29)
  • Hank rattles off stock commencement lines about changing the world and the real world. → “Graduation speeches, they all sound like this!” — Satire, Hank — A Message to the Class of 2009 (2009-05-26, 00:00:13)
  • Hank cites his own degree as proof that nobody can predict your future. → “I graduated from college with a major in biochemistry, and now I'm professional internet moron.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — A Message to the Class of 2009 (2009-05-26, 00:00:33)
  • Hank complains to downtown Boston that its streets defeated his GPS. → “The GPS machine, I think, actually killed itself. It gave up on life because of you.” — Absurd, Hank — Open Letters (2009-05-27, 00:00:21)
  • Hank tells Howie Mandel how he should have answered the people who pitched Deal or No Deal. → “you should have taken a rubber band and slapped it on each of their faces and then walked out of the room.” — Absurd, Hank — Open Letters (2009-05-27, 00:00:50)
  • Hank thanks everyone who ever wanted to puke but didn't, especially the people in his car. → “Not puking despite wanting to puke is one of those ordinary everyday acts of heroism that often go unnoticed.” — Absurd, Hank — Open Letters (2009-05-27, 00:01:20)

2009-06

  • Maureen ends her story of how the 'in your pants' game started over John's dropped bagel. → “and that's how a movement starts all because John Green doesn't know how to eat” — Absurd, Maureen Johnson — DFTBA Street Team In Your Pants (2009-06-01, 00:02:23)
  • Having given blood, they use blood-mobile supplies as drink mixers. → “it's for a good cause we're gonna get drunk for charity” — Absurd, Hank — LeakyCon Fun! (2009-06-03, 00:02:07)
  • John wonders why a dugong is so fat when it eats only lettuce. → “Maybe it's because he also has a brother who comes up with crazily fatty punishments.” — Self-deprecation, John — I Will Call Him Louis: Australia Rocks! (2009-06-07, 00:01:33)
  • Sarah's new fear is that John will like the fat sandwich. → “Baby, make me a fat sandwich! Strawberry flavored, please!” — Absurd, John — Eating a FAT SANDWICH (2009-06-10, 00:01:47)
  • A voiceover freezes the footage because young people watch the videos. → “having what is known in competitive eating circles as a reversal of fortune.” — Wordplay, John — Eating a FAT SANDWICH (2009-06-10, 00:03:11)
  • Hank quotes John: the first two bites of the fat sandwich were delicious, then he puked. → “which frankly is how we all should respond to Charles jr. burgers” — Satire, Hank — WIDE ANGLE LENS! And Not Eating Fat Sandwiches (2009-06-10, 00:00:58)
  • Hank challenges listeners to name famous men whose dads were even more awesome than them. → “try to think of more than Jesus and Hank Williams Jr.” — Absurd, Hank — The Fathers of the Founding Fathers (2009-06-17, 00:00:39)
  • Hank sings that we only talk about a famous man's dad when the parenting went bad. → “the kid ends up murdering half of Leningrad” — Absurd, Hank — The Fathers of the Founding Fathers (2009-06-17, 00:01:24)
  • The Nerdfighter beard vote came out for keeping it, but John forgot to mention one rule. → “the Yeti always has 10,000 votes” — Absurd, John — Half a Beard (2009-06-17, 00:00:00)
  • John shares the Nerdfighter chant he found most convincing in the great beard debate. → “John Green won't get no play until it's beard sha-” — Wordplay, John — Half a Beard (2009-06-17, 00:02:35)
  • Hank explains why neck beards always look bad: like a swallowed weasel that got stuck. → “then it died trying to claw its way out of your neck” — Absurd, Hank — Neck Beards and Fitness Challenges (2009-06-20, 00:00:00)
  • Hank reports his fitness progress to John. → “my Wii Fit age has already changed from 28 the first day to 45 the second day.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — Neck Beards and Fitness Challenges (2009-06-20, 00:02:31)
  • John summarises their charity stunts, like drinking a blenderized Happy Meal. → “In fact, Hank, that's what YouTube is about. It's about drinking meat.” — Absurd, Hank — The World Sucks: Help it Suck Less (2009-06-21, 00:00:33)
  • John says real-world volunteering matters, but now there are opportunities for a new kind of volunteer. → “obsessive agoraphobes who love to edit video. Like us.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — The World Sucks: Help it Suck Less (2009-06-21, 00:01:31)
  • A commenter asks why John never blinks; Hank, wearing the commenter's duck head, turns it around. → “How come this duck never blinks?” — Absurd, Hank — Fighting the Flame War! (2009-06-23, 00:00:53)
  • A commenter calls Hank a MILF. → “None of any of the letters in that acronym could possibly apply to me.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — Fighting the Flame War! (2009-06-23, 00:01:29)
  • After the swat, the poem lists everything left in the hall. → “sat a lolcat with a ball bat. Alone.” — Absurd, Hank — LOLCat with a Ball Bat (2009-06-24, 00:00:30)
  • John reads a hateful comment, replacing its curse word with a famous American poet's name. → “Go Emily Dickinson your mom!” — Wordplay, John — GAY is NOT an INSULT (2009-06-29, 00:00:36)
  • A commenter says John needs fresh air 'into you. Or a girlfriend.' → “I need to get a girlfriend into me?” — Absurd, John — GAY is NOT an INSULT (2009-06-29, 00:00:55)
  • A viewer asks whether the thing behind John is a polar bear with a top hat. → “Do you mean the My Little Pony with a hand-painted black Santa on its bottom?” — Absurd, John — Nerdfighter MARRIAGE PROPOSAL (2009-06-30, 00:00:39)
  • A viewer asks John to propose to his girlfriend for him. → “I don't know if I'm prepared to propose to someone other than my wife.” — Absurd, John — Nerdfighter MARRIAGE PROPOSAL (2009-06-30, 00:00:39)

2009-07

  • Hank notes he left Universal Music Group out of his song about the most-subscribed channels. → “Because as far as I'm concerned, they can all just go eat poop.” — Satire, Hank — Most Subscribed: A Song (2009-07-01, 00:00:27)
  • John says there are only about three things he wouldn't do to earn his annual salary in five days: kill anyone, hurt anyone, and... → “and I wouldn't get above the third rung on a ladder.” — Self-deprecation, John — Sarah Palin Resigning! Four Possible Reasons Why (2009-07-05, 00:01:44)
  • A politician resigns 'to spend more time with his family', and a week later the real reason comes out. → “because they owned like a kitten killing factory in Indonesia.” — Absurd, John — Sarah Palin Resigning! Four Possible Reasons Why (2009-07-05, 00:02:43)
  • Chewbacca fails the Constitution's natural-born-citizen requirement. → “because he lived a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.” — Absurd, John — Chewbacca for President! Let the Wookie Win! (2009-07-11, 00:00:45)
  • After listing that Chewbacca is foreign, dead in a Star Wars novel and fictional, John admits the obstacles. → “Being a deceased, non-human, non-American fictional character does make it hard for you to become President of the United States.” — Absurd, John — Chewbacca for President! Let the Wookie Win! (2009-07-11, 00:00:45)
  • John wears a suit to appeal to advertisers but insists he hasn't sold out. → “You can tell because I'm not wearing any pants.” — Visual gag, John — Sell Outs! (2009-07-14, 00:00:00)
  • Calling John's book promotion selling out is like telling Derek Jeter he sells out by hitting balls hard. → “Or telling your mom she's selling out if she hits balls hard.” — Wordplay, John — Sell Outs! (2009-07-14, 00:01:30)
  • You never have to buy anything to be a nerdfighter, especially not a wife. → “if you click on a mail order bride ad and then don't order a bride, the company loses money.” — Absurd, John — Sell Outs! (2009-07-14, 00:03:36)
  • Public school versus Hogwarts: no talking portraits, teachers who don't care. → “The most magical thing we have is fluorescent lights” — Comic / parody song, Hank — This Isn't Hogwarts! A Harry Potter Song (2009-07-15, 00:00:51)
  • They don't put you in Hufflepuff if you're not cool. → “Instead they sort you in the parking lot after school” — Comic / parody song, Hank — This Isn't Hogwarts! A Harry Potter Song (2009-07-15, 00:00:51)
  • The narrator would do almost anything to go to wizard school. → “I'd even call Dolores Umbridge my friend If it meant I never had to go to gym again” — Comic / parody song, Hank — This Isn't Hogwarts! A Harry Potter Song (2009-07-15, 00:01:56)
  • Chewbacca owes Han Solo a life debt, so a Chewie-Solo administration has a problem if anyone tries to kill Han. → “then you would have the president jumping in front of the bullet, or the blaster bolt, to save the vice president's life” — Running bit, Hank — Selling Out, Chewbacca and Taking Leave (2009-07-17, 00:00:21)
  • Hank says he saved lunch money for CDs by eating other kids' cafeteria leftovers, then warns kids. → “Do not risk getting a disease to buy my CD.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — Selling Out, Chewbacca and Taking Leave (2009-07-17, 00:01:49)
  • John tries 20Q with puppy-sized elephants, 'the most outrageously wonderful creature not currently in existence'. → “it guessed unicorns, which everyone knows were left off the ark for a reason.” — Running bit, John — Harry Potter Nerds Win at Life (2009-07-19, 00:02:08)
  • John asks Hank to imagine the one guy he least wants the AI to think he is. → “They guessed you were Perez Hilton.” — Absurd, John — Harry Potter Nerds Win at Life (2009-07-19, 00:02:43)
  • Hank, already guessed as Perez Hilton, plays 20Q as himself. → “I just play it as me and it thinks I'm Joe Jonas.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — Twenty Questions and Michael Collins (2009-07-21, 00:01:38)
  • Playing as Michael Collins, 20Q's first guess is Neil Armstrong; Hank answers as Collins. → “No, I'm not Neil Armstrong! I will never be Neil Armstrong!” — Absurd, Hank — Twenty Questions and Michael Collins (2009-07-21, 00:02:22)
  • Hank congratulates John on 20Q knowing him. → “You are officially more famous than the dude who went to the moon but didn't get out of the boat.” — Absurd, Hank — Twenty Questions and Michael Collins (2009-07-21, 00:02:53)
  • Hank changed a light bulb, crossed the road and walked into a bar in one day. → “and I realized that my entire life is a joke.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — 50 MORE JOKES in FOUR MINUTES (2009-07-23, 00:01:07)
  • A rubber band pistol was confiscated in algebra class. → “It was a weapon of math disruption.” — Wordplay, Hank — 50 MORE JOKES in FOUR MINUTES (2009-07-23, 00:01:14)
  • Celebrities die in threes: Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson. → “Leave it to Billy Mays to throw in the fourth for free.” — Absurd, Hank — 50 MORE JOKES in FOUR MINUTES (2009-07-23, 00:01:19)
  • How do you get two whales in a Mini Cooper? → “same way you get to Wales in any other car; you get on the M4 and you go across the Severn Bridge.” — Wordplay, Hank — 50 MORE JOKES in FOUR MINUTES (2009-07-23, 00:01:42)
  • John adds 'in your pants' to the title The Sun Also Rises. → “Which, come to think of it, is in fact what The Sun Also Rises is about.” — Wordplay, John — Volunteering (In Your Pants) (2009-07-26, 00:00:37)
  • Imagining a portable Dorothy Parker in his pants, John asks his pants what they said and approves their observation. → “Brevity is the soul of lingerie.” — Wordplay, John — Volunteering (In Your Pants) (2009-07-26, 00:01:26)
  • Reading a question about a boyfriend who is 'about to porpoise', John lists the signs of turning into a porpoise. → “He may also start to look increasingly less human and more dolphin shaped,” — Wordplay, John — Love and Romance Questions ANSWERED (2009-07-28, 00:00:26)
  • Asked whether guys really dislike girls smarter than them, John describes a Venn diagram. → “is a circle.” — Absurd, John — Love and Romance Questions ANSWERED (2009-07-28, 00:03:32)
  • The chorus of Hank's pun song explains why he hates mules. → “And I really hate mules, cause they're so half-assed.” — Wordplay, Hank — Mules are so Half-Ass (2009-07-30, 00:00:29)
  • Hank sings that he forgot how to throw a boomerang. → “but then it came back to me” — Wordplay, Hank — Mules are so Half-Ass (2009-07-30, 00:01:40)

2009-08

  • A tiger shark was found with chickens in its stomach, which Hank says is not the strange part. → “The strange part is that they were still in their chicken coop.” — Absurd, Hank — Twitter Games and Truth or Fail (2009-08-04, 00:02:55)
  • Listening to an interview with Robert Pattinson spoils John's image of him. → “I was like, dude, shut up. You're ruining it.” — Absurd, John — Robert Pattinson and DJ Railstone (2009-08-06, 00:00:40)
  • John imagines the 20Q questions that could confuse Flava Flav with Holden Caulfield. → “Do you wear an accessory that is meant to be cool but actually just exposes your insecurity? Yes!” — Satire, John — Robert Pattinson and DJ Railstone (2009-08-06, 00:01:08)
  • John cannot show the footage because the Yeti is in all of it. → “if I show any of the Yeti then the very foundations of Nerdfighteria will collapse” — Running bit, John — HipPOTATOmus (2009-08-10, 00:00:23)
  • John calls a hippo-shaped potato the hippotato. → “it should be called the hippotatamus.” — Wordplay, John — HipPOTATOmus (2009-08-10, 00:01:15)
  • A viewer tries to trick John into saying 'I love unicorns'; he catches himself mid-word. → “there could be a million unicorn lovers in Nerdfighteria, and still, I would say, I hate unicorns!” — Running bit, John — The Island of Nerdfighteria? (2009-08-11, 00:01:39)
  • Viewers demand a picture of the Yeti after three years; John explains why he can't. → “Because if I do, the cute will break your computers” — Running bit, John — The Island of Nerdfighteria? (2009-08-11, 00:01:39)
  • Hank wonders whether the song was his gift to Nerdfighteria for 100,000 subscribers. → “Or possibly it was my punishment to Nerdfighteria for helping us get 100,000 subscribers” — Self-deprecation, Hank — Vegetables that look like Penises (2009-08-12, 00:01:57)
  • Hank thanks Helen Hunt for a film scene, punning on her film As Good as It Gets. → “It was as good as it gets in my pants” — Wordplay, Hank — So Jokes: Video EP (2009-08-18, 00:03:43)
  • A friend asks how an old, ugly actress could mean so much to Hank. → “Well, a minute later, looking down at him bleeding in the snow” — Absurd, Hank — So Jokes: Video EP (2009-08-18, 00:04:33)
  • Hank threatens the woman holding up the grocery express lane. → “I'll do a scorpion's fatality and rip out your spine” — Absurd, Hank — So Jokes: Video EP (2009-08-18, 00:13:16)
  • The Democratic Party is a llama with a big head and atrophied body that only acts every four years. → “the frickin' Republican llama is going crazy with its huge body and its tiny head” — Satire, Hank — The Political Situation at the County Fair (2009-08-19, 00:01:37)
  • After the serious part, Hank adds one more fair analogy. → “Political pundits are like fare rides, because just looking at them makes me want to puke.” — Satire, Hank — The Political Situation at the County Fair (2009-08-19, 00:03:30)
  • Hank reveals that Nerdfighters have turned John into a bobblehead. → “Your lifelong dream of becoming a plastic figurine with a head that wobbles back and forth has finally been realized.” — Absurd, Hank — HAPPY JOHN DAY!!! (2009-08-24, 00:09:42)
  • Singing that old cars are ready to say goodbye, Hank borrows the 2009 health-care catchphrase. → “But we can't let a death panel choose how they die” — Satire, Hank — DEMOLITION DERBY! (2009-08-26, 00:01:23)
  • Asked the running question 'Who the eff is Hank?' → “He's a massive, incandescent gas.” — Callback, John — 100 QUESTIONS ANSWERED!!!!!!! (2009-08-30, 00:00:32)
  • A chain of who/what/where questions answered 'Monkeys', until 'Where?' → “In your pants!” — Running bit, John — 100 QUESTIONS ANSWERED!!!!!!! (2009-08-30, 00:01:44)

2009-09

  • The photographer brought in an extra computer so the photos would look more epic. → “I am Computer Man!” — Self-deprecation, Hank — I AM COMPUTER MAN!!! (2009-09-01, 00:02:04)
  • Hank, wearing a toucan nose, claims to be improving viewers' lives. → “right now your life is a little bit better than it was before I put the toucan nose on.” — Absurd, Hank — WTF IS GOING ON!!! (2009-09-03, 00:01:47)
  • Step one: John throws himself against the wall to test, once again, whether he is an octopus. → “Still not an octopus.” — Callback, John — How To (Not) Demolish a Wall (2009-09-06, 00:01:13)
  • Step two of tearing down the wall: phoning former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev. → “Oh, hi Mr. Gorbachev? Tear down that wall!” — Absurd, John — How To (Not) Demolish a Wall (2009-09-06, 00:01:19)
  • Step six, best saved for the very end: check for live wiring where you've been swinging the steel crowbar. → “Which as it turns out, there is.” — Absurd, John — How To (Not) Demolish a Wall (2009-09-06, 00:02:33)
  • John reveals Willy's secret shame, an extra tailbone that bends his tail down. → “my beloved puppy can never achieve a full tail-rection. It's always a little limp at the end.” — Wordplay, John — My Puppy's SECRET SHAME (and Paper Towns) (2009-09-08, 00:00:52)
  • The song illustrates crime shows' preposterous, never-normal deaths. → “When your drug dealer's aunt killed your mom in a duel by chopping off her head with a scythe in the pool.” — Absurd, Hank — Television Crime Shows Suck (2009-09-09, 00:00:35)
  • John imitates a CSI one-liner from David Caruso: 'I don't think you were playing the marimba.' → “I think you were playing the murderer, Imba.” — Wordplay, John — Special Friday Video! (On Saturday) (2009-09-12, 00:00:40)
  • John says Nerdfighters seeking office can push forward the Nerdfighter political agenda. → “to mandate the addition of In Your Pants to the end of book titles and to increase funding for the re-evolving of puppy-sized elephants.” — Running bit, John — Special Friday Video! (On Saturday) (2009-09-12, 00:02:51)
  • Hank tells his three-year-old nephew, whose balloon popped, that all things are ephemeral. → “What he wants to hear is cookie.” — Absurd, Hank — #@$%#!!! From Maine (2009-09-16, 00:01:48)
  • When his own video vanished, Hank wanted no lesson on ephemerality. → “I didn't even want a cookie. I wanted to throw that microwave oven right there out of the window of the hotel room.” — Absurd, Hank — #@$%#!!! From Maine (2009-09-16, 00:01:48)
  • John explains what ulcerative colitis is like without the details. → “it's like your whole body is on earth except for your intestines which are in hell” — Absurd, John — Health Care Reform: The Hank Factor (2009-09-20, 00:00:36)
  • John says not every Hank problem is his to fix, recalling Hank liked My Little Ponies as a kid. → “I don't want to have to pay for the therapy Hank needs to deal with the shame and humiliation of his My Little Pony fetish” — Absurd, John — Health Care Reform: The Hank Factor (2009-09-20, 00:01:35)
  • John tells Nerdfighters none of the book's success would have happened without them. → “Well, actually, I might have still won the Edgar” — Self-deprecation, John — Paper Towns in Paperback: A How-to Guide (2009-09-22, 00:00:47)
  • John imagines viewers not wanting to spend $10 on a book. → “I'm not asking you to spend $10. I'm asking you to spend $9.99. plus applicable sales tax.” — Wordplay, John — Paper Towns in Paperback: A How-to Guide (2009-09-22, 00:01:45)
  • Hank tells John that Margo, his fictional character, has been busy since the book. → “I understand that you thought she was fictional, being that you made her up in your head, but she got out” — Absurd, Hank — Where's Margo! A Nerdfighter Event! (2009-09-23, 00:00:00)
  • The song warns what searching for the disappeared Margo does to you. → “you'll spend the next six months with your head up in your ass” — Absurd, Hank — Where's Margo! A Nerdfighter Event! (2009-09-23, 00:00:34)
  • TV makes chickens passive and less murderous; John thinks of angry YouTube commenters. → “dude, you need to watch more TV. It'll wash that homicidal aggression right off you.” — Satire, John — TV For Chickens (2009-09-27, 00:01:38)
  • John asked the Yeti whether to unbutton his second button to bring sex appeal to Nerdfighteria. → “sweetie, you know I love you, but you're just not a two buttons kind of guy.” — Self-deprecation, John — TV For Chickens (2009-09-27, 00:02:37)
  • A winning comment asks where Willy will hide his victims once the wall is gone. → “Willy, where do you keep the bodies? He's not talking.” — Absurd, John — Paper Towns Winners and Ningmasters (2009-09-28, 00:01:40)
  • A winning comment: going naked under your graduation robe can never end well. → “Which is really one of the main lessons I was trying to impart when writing paper towns.” — Self-deprecation, John — Paper Towns Winners and Ningmasters (2009-09-28, 00:01:40)
  • Hank shrugs off the reconciliation of Luke and Vader at the end of Return of the Jedi. → “no more hands get chopped off, so as far as I'm concerned, that's the end” — Absurd, Hank — 13 SEVERED HANDS! (1) (2009-09-30, 00:03:24)
  • Hank shrugs off Luke and Vader's reconciliation at the end of Return of the Jedi. → “but no more hands get chopped off, so as far as I'm concerned, that's the end of the movie.” — Absurd, Hank — 13 SEVERED HANDS! (2) (2009-09-30, 00:03:24)

2009-10

  • Jefferson's last words resign his daughter to his country; John imagines her asking if he believes humans can own other humans. → “Oh. Right, you do.” — Satire, John — NERD ALERT: Presidential Last Words (2009-10-04, 00:00:59)
  • Garfield's last words call out to Swain; John proposes 'Swain' as a substitute for 'dang'. → “Like, aw swainit, I stubbed my toe.” — Wordplay, John — NERD ALERT: Presidential Last Words (2009-10-04, 00:02:22)
  • Recalling Victoria Beckham's girl group, John acts out their song promising to say what they really, really want. → “they just wanted to zig a zig ah, which is not even a thing.” — Absurd, John — Victoria Beckham In Your Pants (2009-10-06, 00:00:32)
  • The subtitle of Victoria Beckham's 'That Extra Half an Inch' is 'Hair, Heels, and Everything in Between'. → “a lot of what occurs between your hair and your heels is, in fact, in your pants.” — Running bit, John — Victoria Beckham In Your Pants (2009-10-06, 00:01:01)
  • Explaining appearances: instead of a rectangle inside your computer, John becomes a full-fledged person. → “Arguably too much full, not enough fledged.” — Self-deprecation, John — Victoria Beckham In Your Pants (2009-10-06, 00:01:01)
  • An unregulated market can reduce activity, e.g. people too transfixed by costumed puppies to go to work. → “which is basically why heroin is illegal, but that's another story.” — Absurd, John — Puppy Elephant Defends Capitalism (2009-10-11, 00:02:14)
  • Yelling and cursing, Hank tells the agent to go ask the manager for his money back because he's actually a nice guy. → “I hate that you made me yell at you! Go talk to your manager!” — Absurd, Hank — Customer Service A$$H()¦3s!!!! (2009-10-14, 00:02:16)
  • Who can blame the boy for vomiting after being forced onto the Today Show? → “I mean, I vomit sometimes just watching the Today Show.” — Satire, John — The Balloon Boy Hoax (2009-10-18, 00:02:33)
  • A voice corrects John's wrestler persona: the award was for his book, and he isn't a wrestler. → “And third, you do not have an impressive physique.” — Self-deprecation, John — The Bella Twins Like Paper Towns (2009-10-20, 00:00:58)
  • Sung as the boy: the kids at school keep telling him a tale about his dad... → “About how wife swap has a different meaning in jail” — Wordplay, Hank — Balloon Boy: A Short Song (2009-10-21, 00:01:40)
  • Hoaxers showed an actual image of an actual alien being actually cut open by actual doctors... → “All of those actuals are actually fakes.” — Wordplay, Hank — The Top 10 Greatest Hoaxes of All Time (2009-10-22, 00:00:58)
  • Ellen DeGeneres, Shakespeare or Jay-Z as the silverback gorilla of your jungle is fine. → “But if the silverback gorilla of your jungle is Lindsay Lohan, you need to take a long... hard look at yourself.” — Absurd, John — Fame: The Road Trip (2009-10-25, 00:03:05)
  • Viewers told to follow a red dot for an eye-tracking study are hit with a jump-scare cat; Hank then apologises that he tricked them. → “Happy Halloween.” — Visual gag, Hank — Mad Science with Dr. Horrible (Hank) (2009-10-28, 00:01:54)

2009-11

  • John keeps cutting off an imagined interlocutor who cited On the Road; the interlocutor insists on finishing his point. → “hold on pretentious mc asshat let me finish my point” — Self-deprecation, John — NaNoWriMo!!! (2009-11-01, 00:00:59)
  • After a clumsy clay metaphor, John tries to revise it live into a chair metaphor and stalls mid-sentence. → “This is why my books take three years to write.” — Self-deprecation, John — NaNoWriMo!!! (2009-11-01, 00:01:58)
  • The pre-order bundle includes a Hank pinup poster, which John says settles which brother is which. → “you are the pinup brother, and I am the puffy brother” — Self-deprecation, John — This Machine Pwns n00bs! (2009-11-03, 00:03:19)
  • In the medley Hank introduces the topic of one of his songs. → “This is a song For all the vegetables that look like penises” — Absurd, Hank — Please Buy My Album (A Song / Medley) (2009-11-04, 00:02:18)
  • John offers two explanations for Jennings' recovery: a psychogenic component, or her doctor's treatment. → “Or maybe it's because she saw a doctor who injects people with pee.” — Satire, John — H1N1 Vaccine Fears (2009-11-08, 00:02:18)
  • Hank works out where the gerbil smell on the plane comes from. → “the parents behind me are using the the smell of cedar to overwhelm the smell of baby poop it's not working anymore” — Absurd, Hank — On a Plane - On the Ground (2009-11-12, 00:00:28)
  • A passenger reads a story about Octomom losing 145 pounds. → “yeah, she lost 145 pounds when she gave birth to eight children.” — Wordplay, Hank — On a Plane - On the Ground (2009-11-12, 00:01:14)
  • Child John reads Eric Carle's classic The Very Hungry Caterpillar after loving Gus Is a Bug. → “this is good, but it's no Gus is a Bug.” — Absurd, John — Gus Is A Bug (2009-11-15, 00:00:41)
  • John reads the climax of Gus Is a Bug, the caterpillar emerging as a butterfly: 'It is Gus! Gus has no fuzz!' → “God, I just love that revelatory moment at the end. No fuzz!” — Absurd, John — Gus Is A Bug (2009-11-15, 00:02:34)
  • Asked 'who the F is Hank', John answers with a dictionary-style definition of a CD. → “Hank is an optical disc originally created to store sound recordings.” — Absurd, John — Question Tuesday: The Free Money Edition (2009-11-17, 00:00:35)
  • Asked why he dislikes unicorns, John treats the horn as a weapon. → “I don't like unicorns because they refuse to disarm and become horses.” — Absurd, John — Question Tuesday: The Free Money Edition (2009-11-17, 00:01:05)
  • Hank sings a song meant to help him remember not to lose his keys and other things. → “Funny thing about that is that today I lost my keys.” — Absurd, Hank — Crazy Man is Crazy (with SEATTLE INFO!!) (2009-11-18, 00:00:54)
  • Announcing Hank's punishment day, John inverts 'a day that will live in infamy'. → “is a day that will live in fummy.” — Wordplay, John — Hank in FAMY (2009-11-22, 00:00:00)
  • Hank says he was okay with South Park's Mr. Hanky even though it arrived when he was in middle school. → “which is not a good time to have a poop named after you.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — Things I'm Not Thankful For (2009-11-25, 00:01:11)
  • Hank complains that mentioning evolution always sparks a huge comment debate. → “For reference, see the gigantic and uninteresting debate going on below me right now.” — Absurd, Hank — Things I'm Not Thankful For (2009-11-25, 00:01:44)
  • Summarising Edward Cullen's appeal, John says what girls apparently want boys to be. → “Sparkly, non-farting, 107 year olds in 17 year old bodies.” — Satire, John — John Reviews Twilight and New Moon (2009-11-29, 00:00:46)
  • John calls Edward and Jacob 'well idealized romantic others' and then explains the phrase. → “And by well idealized romantic others I, of course, mean that they are hot.” — Absurd, John — John Reviews Twilight and New Moon (2009-11-29, 00:02:34)

2009-12

  • John says he has let things slip and one day looked up at his out-of-control life. → “oh, my goodness, I am a failed state of a person.” — Wordplay, John — Shaving for Pakistan (2009-12-01, 00:00:16)
  • After describing Benazir Bhutto's assassination, John turns to her widower, Pakistan's current president. → “So now Pakistan has a president who's primary qualification is that he was once married to someone.” — Satire, John — Shaving for Pakistan (2009-12-01, 00:02:04)
  • John vows Nerdfighteria will be the Parsbjerg to MIT's Brahe in a future nerd showdown. → “Oh, you don't know that reference, MIT? Maybe you're not so nerdy after all.” — Absurd, John — LOSERS!!!! (2009-12-06, 00:03:19)
  • Hank says success isn't based on the ungodly beauty of the people who started these projects; the sock agrees at once. → “No, that's for sure.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — ANNOUNCING! VidCon: Online Video IRL (2009-12-09, 00:02:06)
  • Asked for more conference ideas, the sock proposes a booth evoking the viral finger-biting video. → “How about a booth where Charlie McDonald sits and he bites people's fingers” — Absurd, Hank — ANNOUNCING! VidCon: Online Video IRL (2009-12-09, 00:02:53)
  • Listing drains on the world economy, John adds Tiger Woods' infidelity. → “which could actually single-handedly put golf into a recession” — Absurd, John — Eyelash Malaria (2009-12-13, 00:01:13)
  • Explaining his new filming spot, John 'notices' a crib behind him. → “the Yeti's gonna have a little Yeti!!” — Visual gag, John — In Which A Secret Is Revealed (2009-12-15, 00:03:43)
  • At the ultrasound the technician moves the wand to the baby's mouth so they can hear what the baby is saying. → “the first words I heard my unborn baby say were, I hate malaria” — Absurd, John — THE 2009 PROJECT FOR AWESOME!!! (2009-12-17, 00:01:17)
  • John proposes 'French the llama' as an exclamation of amazement and gives an example. → “French the llama the square root of negative one is a letter?” — Wordplay, John — Awesome Project Is Awesome (2009-12-20, 00:02:21)
  • John tries to show a trick with Willy by yelling 'Panic!' at the dog, who flees. → “You're gonna be a great father.” — Absurd, John and Hank — Amazing Christmas Facts With John and Hank (2009-12-23, 00:00:00)
  • Hank says secret siblings make video responses 'down here'; John points to where responses appear. → “Down here, in my pants.” — Running bit, John and Hank — How To Be a Nerdfighter: A Vlogbrothers FAQ (2009-12-27, 00:02:35)
  • Hank lists what their videos are about: Star Wars, giraffe love and making the world a better place through video. → “Those, those are three interconnected ideas.” — Absurd, John and Hank — How To Be a Nerdfighter: A Vlogbrothers FAQ (2009-12-27, 00:03:21)
  • The song complains that the media obsess over Sarah Palin. → “they dispatch a dozen camera crews every time she poos” — Satire, Hank — The STUPIDEST NEWS STORIES of 2009 (a song) (2009-12-30, 00:00:41)
  • On the Tiger Woods and David Letterman scandals: it turns out that rich guys cheat on their wives. → “That wasn't news in the year 25.” — Satire, Hank — The STUPIDEST NEWS STORIES of 2009 (a song) (2009-12-30, 00:01:38)