Skip to content

Best jokes of 2013

All 103 jokes rated strength 3 (the top of the 1–3 scale) in 2013 videos, in upload order: the setup (paraphrase), then the punchline as said, the kind of joke and who tells it.

Kinds this year: Absurd 60, Self-deprecation 14, Wordplay 10, Satire 9, Callback 5, Running bit 3, Visual gag 1, Comic / parody song 1.

← Humor overview · 2007 · 2008 · 2009 · 2010 · 2011 · 2012 · 2013 · 2014 · 2015 · 2016 · 2017 · 2018 · 2019 · 2020 · 2021 · 2022 · 2023 · 2024 · 2025 · 2026

2013-01

  • John says the last two years saw the least effective Congress since at least the 1850s, 'which as you might remember' → “led to a Ken Burns documentary.” — Absurd, John — Why Does Congress Suck? (2013-01-01, 00:00:36)
  • Explaining the two chambers of Congress → “like a lot of rich people, lives in two houses.” — Wordplay, John — Why Does Congress Suck? (2013-01-01, 00:01:17)
  • What do you call a five-foot psychic that's escaped from jail? → “A small medium at large.” — Wordplay, Hank — 53 Terrible Jokes! (2013-01-04, 00:00:10)
  • Why was six afraid of seven? → “Because seven has cold, dead eyes.” — Absurd, Hank — 53 Terrible Jokes! (2013-01-04, 00:02:01)
  • A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks 'Why the long face?' → “I'm finally realizing that my alcoholism is driving my family apart.” — Absurd, Hank — 53 Terrible Jokes! (2013-01-04, 00:02:25)
  • Two whales walk into a bar; one of them makes drunken whale noises. → “Man, Steve, go home. You are drunk!” — Absurd, Hank — 53 Terrible Jokes! (2013-01-04, 00:03:40)
  • John says the break is good for his mental health 'particularly in advance of Carnegie HALLLLL' (drawn-out scream) → “Which is the sound that my anxiety makes.” — Self-deprecation, John — Addicted to the Internet (2013-01-08, 00:01:52)
  • John dreamt Chick-fil-A opened four restaurants in North Korea and, in the dream, decided to make a video about it; then he woke up. → “God, Chick-fil-A, why don't you get in bed with Kim Jong-un so I have something to make a video about?” — Absurd, John — North Korean Chicken, Stagecoach Travel, and other Thoughts from before Carnegie Hall (2013-01-15, 00:00:32)
  • John spent years writing bad stories about a 22-year-old hospital chaplain who was very much like him. → “only, you know, better looking and wittier and more charismatic and a magnet for beautiful female doctors. I wish I were kidding.” — Self-deprecation, John — An Evening of Awesome at Carnegie Hall (2013-01-15, 00:52:21)
  • Tracing the '50s progression through the decades, Hank reaches 2011's biggest hit (Rebecca Black's 'Friday'). → “depending on your definition of year, also depending on your definition of song.” — Satire, Hank — An Evening of Awesome at Carnegie Hall (2013-01-15, 02:11:02)
  • In the Paper Towns reading Neil Gaiman, as Radar, delivers a line about skipping government class. → “That Neil Gaiman said I would actually literally suck donkey balls.” — Absurd, John — An Evening of Awesome at Carnegie Hall (2013-01-15, 02:34:11)
  • Instead of asking someone to be 'more than friends', John says you should say what you mean. → “Do you want to be monogamous face licking partners?” — Absurd, John — How to Be More Than Friends: Question Tuesday (2013-01-22, 00:01:38)
  • Tip for a scared parent-to-be: you only have to trick the baby into thinking you're qualified. → “In some cases, they were literally born yesterday.” — Absurd, John — How to Be More Than Friends: Question Tuesday (2013-01-22, 00:02:27)

2013-02

  • Hank says that in the UK, where he's headed, people care little about American football. → “they care about as much about hand egg as they do about spices other than salt.” — Satire, Hank — Football For Nerds (2013-02-01, 00:00:00)
  • In the British Museum John sees statue after statue of decapitated women. → “which I guess is where YA book publishers got the idea for the headless girl cover trend.” — Satire, John — Headless Statues and Elton John's Piano: Seeing Sights in London (Thoughts from Places) (2013-02-05, 00:00:58)
  • John's first prepared question for the President, after nervously introducing himself. → “OH MY GOD WHAT IS AIR?!” — Self-deprecation, John — Talking to the President (2013-02-12, 00:01:30)
  • Declining to name John's unborn child, the President gives the vlogbrothers' sign-off as advice; Hank reacts 'What?!'. → “to not to forget to be awesome.” — Callback, Hank — Baby, Harlem, Obama, Dance Crazes, Big Week (2013-02-15, 00:02:49)
  • After TFIOS returning to No. 1 and a second child on the way, John says 'but most importantly' a sitting President... → “acknowledged that pennies are a terrible idea.” — Absurd, John — Doing Things, On the Importance of (2013-02-19, 00:00:17)
  • Noting that the real Swindon Town Football Club needs a manager, John makes a formal offer. → “and I just wanna state for the record - I am available!” — Absurd, John — Doing Things, On the Importance of (2013-02-19, 00:02:22)
  • Hank recounts the Macarena's unheard verse: boyfriend drafted, she sleeps with two of his friends, then wants to go shopping. → “and it turns out that she's just a terrible person.” — Absurd, Hank — Translating Dance Songs (2013-02-22, 00:01:47)
  • After translating Soulja Boy's dance hit, Hank reflects. → “Yeah. So. I never wanna dance to that song again.” — Absurd, Hank — Translating Dance Songs (2013-02-22, 00:03:27)
  • His son refuses peanut butter on his celery; John asks if he's a communist and the boy says yes. → “But you know what, I'm just happy that you're politically engaged at your age” — Absurd, John — Cooking with a 3-Year-Old: The Mac & Cheese and Communist Celery Edition (2013-02-26, 00:02:29)

2013-03

2013-04

2013-05

2013-06

  • Told his only role in the birth was telling Sarah to push, John sings a beer-commercial-style tribute to himself → “'Real American heroes, telling their partners when to push'” — Comic / parody song, John — A New Nerdfighter Baby (2013-06-04, 00:00:14)
  • Back from the post-birth insert, present John makes a "prediction" about his exhausted future self → “That guys looks tired! I'm a psychic.” — Self-deprecation, John — A New Nerdfighter Baby (2013-06-04, 00:01:53)
  • Hank advises Alice to sleep in two-and-a-half-hour stretches so her parents never quite reach REM sleep → “Which is going to be hilarious when they start having hallucinations.” — Absurd, Hank — How To Be a Baby Properly (2013-06-07, 00:01:48)
  • After declaring Alice the next, hopefully better, step in the process of humanity → “I hope that's not too much pressure.” — Absurd, Hank — How To Be a Baby Properly (2013-06-07, 00:03:16)
  • Answering his own question 'Who the eff is Hank?', Craig defines Hank as a flippered Arctic marine mammal and a movement → “See? I'm hanking right now. Hank you very much.” — Wordplay, Craig Benzine — How To Be John Green (2013-06-11, 00:02:34)
  • Asked to do John's Sharpie face, Craig has no Sharpies → “But I do have crackers, so I will smash one my forehead.” — Callback, Craig Benzine — How To Be John Green (2013-06-11, 00:02:47)
  • Craig introduces a passage exemplifying Oscar Wilde's critique of false manners and hypocrisy, reads a line about a Catherine wheel → “Probably should have planned that out a little better.” — Absurd, Craig Benzine — How To Be John Green (2013-06-11, 00:03:26)
  • Hank builds to the force that keeps humans together, feeding children and coupling: 'It's love. It's love, isn't it?' → “It's really- it's sex.” — Absurd, Hank — What is the Strongest Force on Earth? (2013-06-14, 00:02:16)
  • Specific cheese knives would blow cavemen's tiny minds; they cut cheese with rocks → “You know what they didn't have? Cheese.” — Absurd, Grace Helbig — 50 Ways to Pretend to Be Smarter (2013-06-18, 00:02:35)
  • Signing off to Hank, Grace says she worked hard on the video while John's wife just gave birth → “I labored over this, but not like John's wife. Hey-oh!” — Wordplay, Grace Helbig — 50 Ways to Pretend to Be Smarter (2013-06-18, 00:04:49)
  • Hannah ends her poetic sunset thought by stopping the recording early. → “So I stopped recording, because I didn't want to go for four minutes like Grace did.” — Callback, Hannah Hart — Thoughts from Places: Dog Days of Summer (2013-06-25, 00:03:24)
  • Hank explains a plane's auxiliary power unit and where it vents its exhaust. → “and it vents out its exhaust through a port that is called, in my head, the planus.” — Wordplay, Hank — Plane Butts, Fish Farts, LeakyCon, and Marriage Equality (2013-06-28, 00:00:32)
  • Devon Murray, who played Seamus, tells Hank he blew up a brand-new microwave. → “But still...hashtag, eh, Seamus.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — Plane Butts, Fish Farts, LeakyCon, and Marriage Equality (2013-06-28, 00:02:26)

2013-07

  • Among her normal duties she ghostwrites fan mail from John to Steven Gerrard. → “and by fan mail, I mean love letters.” — Absurd, Rosianna Halse Rojas — The Perks of Being John's Assistant (2013-07-02, 00:02:08)
  • Citing Sarah Addison Allen's magical-realism novels, he appends the vlogbrothers 'in your pants' suffix to their titles. → “The Girl Who Chased the Moon in Your Pants” — Running bit, MagicTurtle643 — The World Needs More Magic (2013-07-09, 00:00:58)
  • Hank gives Rowling absolute creative freedom, but after careful thought begs her not to make an MMORPG. → “'Cause that would totally destroy my productivity!” — Self-deprecation, Hank — Oh, JK Rowling - A Harry Potter Song (2013-07-12, 00:01:56)
  • John proudly reports that Henry just laughed at a joke for the first time; Hank asks what he was watching. → “Annoying Orange.” — Absurd, Hank — Oh, JK Rowling - A Harry Potter Song (2013-07-12, 00:03:22)
  • Proud of pulling a metaphor out of a list of teen habits, she is told it was a stretch. → “Excuse you, who do you think I am? John Green?” — Self-deprecation, Sabrina Cruz — The Ghost of Teenaged Future (2013-07-16, 00:02:15)
  • John asks Hank his favorite game of all time. → “The game of thrones.” — Wordplay, John and Hank — TFiOS Movie, Bees, Babies, and More! (2013-07-19, 00:01:56)
  • Admitting discourse isn't always high, she recalls the comments on her first fill-in video for John. → “oh my god, John has boobs.” — Satire, Maureen Johnson — Watermelon Internet Trolls (2013-07-23, 00:01:00)
  • No one knows how to internet; if anyone says they do: → “Just go tell them to go eat some watermelon,” — Absurd, Maureen Johnson — Watermelon Internet Trolls (2013-07-23, 00:03:32)
  • John gushes about being home with his family after paternity leave, then looks around → “Am I in an airport?! Dang it!” — Running bit, John — Paternity Leave Ends! And I Find Myself… (2013-07-30, 00:00:12)
  • Digging holes on the beach, Henry asks John if he knows who likes digging holes → “he looked at me and he said, "Germans".” — Absurd, John — Paternity Leave Ends! And I Find Myself… (2013-07-30, 00:01:31)

2013-08

  • Hank advises against joking with security staff → “also don't joke with them about your pocket rocket launcher unless you want to eat the carpet.” — Callback, Hank — 17 Air Travel Tips (2013-08-02, 00:01:39)
  • Hank tells boarding passengers to get out of the aisle → “This is one artery and if you're clogging it, everyone's dying.” — Absurd, Hank — 17 Air Travel Tips (2013-08-02, 00:02:13)
  • Hank says he sold his first CDs ever at LeakyCon 2009; John admires how far he has come → “Still selling CDs outta the back of your trunk.” — Absurd, John — Esther Day 2013 (2013-08-03, 00:00:57)
  • The phone baby keeps waking for months, just like a newborn → “you'll have to spend hours pushing buttons trying to figure out, what is it? How do I solve you?” — Absurd, John — Million Dollar Ideas (2013-08-06, 00:02:30)
  • John refused to give Hank $1,000 to start the 2D glasses company → “And now, Hank, here you are two years later, lone king of a 2D glasses empire.” — Callback, John — Million Dollar Ideas (2013-08-06, 00:02:59)
  • Hank learned that internet creators who seem weird are normal in real life → “Aside from WheezyWaiter, who is legit weird,” — Absurd, Hank — What I Learned at VidCon (2013-08-09, 00:00:55)
  • After lessons from Josh Sundquist and Ze Frank, a lesson from Freddie Wong → “you can revive a dead YouTuber if you get enough people to sing to their corpse.” — Absurd, Hank — What I Learned at VidCon (2013-08-09, 00:01:38)
  • After praising the museum's German Romanesque architecture at length, Hank gives the round to the fictional castle anyway → “Hogwarts wins because Hogwarts!” — Absurd, Hank — Harry Potter vs. Science! (2013-08-16, 00:02:06)
  • Hank ranks Darwin above Rowling for care, independence and fortitude, then adds one more reason → “Also, he had severe digestive problems, which I can sympathize with.” — Self-deprecation, Hank — Harry Potter vs. Science! (2013-08-16, 00:02:18)
  • Hank notes that UNESCO declared the whole city of Bath, all 80,000 people of it, a World Heritage Site → “I guess it's a World Heritage Build-A-Bear there, and a World Heritage Pizza hut.” — Absurd, Hank — Thoughts from Bath: The Legacy of Wealth (2013-08-23, 00:00:22)
  • Romans inscribed curses on pewter and threw them into the baths, with notes like 'I think Jeff stole my gloves' → “could you please burn his eyes out of his head please?” — Absurd, Hank — Thoughts from Bath: The Legacy of Wealth (2013-08-23, 00:01:45)
  • John keeps saying the internet exclamation 'Oh my God, what is air?' and director Josh Boone explains that air is mostly nitrogen and oxygen → “clearly Josh you are not spending enough time on the internet.” — Absurd, John — On the TFIOS Movie Set (2013-08-27, 00:01:49)
  • Wearing the Speech Jammer, Hank tries to explain how it works and his own delayed voice derails him. → “It interferes with the cog-cognitive cognitive cog-” — Absurd, Hank — Raw Onion, Twerking, and Speech Jam (2013-08-30, 00:02:26)

2013-09

2013-10

2013-11

  • Learning that hard vomiting can rarely pop your eyes out is useful for a hypochondriac like John. → “because it ensures that for the rest of my life I will be puking with my eyes closed.” — Self-deprecation, John — But Is Worm Pizza Poisonous? (2013-11-12, 00:02:09)
  • Rob Scallon says he rules Giza, so the pyramids are his; Hank asks how he feels about slavery there. → “Obviously heavily pro.” — Absurd, Hank — I Have a Band? (2013-11-15, 00:01:28)
  • Illustrating a fartbag: someone steps on your toe, you say 'ow', and they respond by blaming you. → “God, stop standing everywhere” — Absurd, Hank — How to Apologize like a Fartbag (2013-11-22, 00:00:50)
  • There is only one pumpkin pie this Thanksgiving and both brothers want it, John says, almost like The Hunger Games. → “in that one of us is gonna be hungry and the other of us is gonna be dead.” — Wordplay, John and Hank — REUNION! Arm Wrestling, Drawing, and Questions with Hank and John! (2013-11-29, 00:01:44)

2013-12